Unplanned fourth pregnancy and considering abortion

[Kirsty12341]

I’m not sure what response I’m looking for here but feel I just need to let out the way I am feeling as I dont want to talk to friends and family.

I have 3 children aged 7, 6 and 18months and 2 weeks ago found out I’m expecting my fourth. It was a complete shock especially as we had decided years ago that we only wanted 3 children, so after my son was born we just felt complete and totally contented with our family of 5. When finding out that I’m pregnant again I was overcome by so many negative feelings and instantly told my husband I didn’t want to keep it ( a situation I never thought I would find myself in, I never thought I would ever consider abortion even though I am pro choice ). I found out when I was 5 weeks and now I’m 7w3d and have still not came to a decision, I’m totally stuck on what is the right thing to do.

our living situation is not ideal as it is we live in a small bungalow which has two very small double bedrooms (fits double bed with bedside cabinets and just enough room for a wardrobe in each) my two daughters are in one bedroom and me and my husband in the other. We have an extremely small box room which my son is in but we are making it work. So I just don’t know how we are going to make another baby work. We don’t have the money to get a bigger home and won’t have for many years yet.

we have just taken a car out on higher purchase 2 months ago and put a lot of our savings into it so that is another problem we would have to figure out as we would need a bigger car.

My two girls have a lot of hobbies which they go to 5 days a week (would be less if they went to the same hobbies but they have totally different personalities). I have struggled to keep it up after having my son but have made it work as I dont want them missing out. Especially my middle child as she has a big confidence issue and her hobbies are starting to make a difference so I really wouldn’t want to cut back on hers. I worry that with 4 children I wouldn’t be able to give them the time and opportunities that they deserve and it kills me to think I can’t give that to them, I am managing now even though it’s hard work but seems like an impossibility with 4.

my husband works 8am-6pm 5 days a week so I am their main caregiver. I take them to and from school and hobbies and don’t think I can cope with 4 as I feel I’m barely getting by just now with 3.

I can think of a hundred reasons why not to go through with this pregnancy but don’t think I can live with myself having an abortion, I’m really struggling with the thought of it and haven’t slept in 2 weeks with worry. I feel like I’m being selfish because I like life the way it is just now we are getting by comfortably and I am able to give my children the life and opportunities I want to.

I have everything I need to have the abortion in a pack infront of me that I plan to do on Friday but I really don’t know if I can go through with it. I hate that I can’t give this baby the love and care I’m giving to my other 3 children.

if anyone has been in the same situation or anyone who can offer some advice I would be extremely grateful because I feel like my life is in turmoil and whatever I decide is going to be life changing and I dont think I’m ready for what’s to come for whatever choice I make.

Oh what a shock OP.

I think the key question is do you want to have this baby. To me it doesn’t sound like you do?

Abortions don’t have to be something you regret. I have no regrets about mine as it was the right choice for me, obviously it wasn’t a nice experience but I definitely did not want to have a baby at that time, so I felt relieved not regretful.

I don’t think abortion would be selfish at all, quite the opposite, you would be putting your existing family first.

However conversely if you do really feel you want this baby, then you shouldn’t feel pressured into having an abortion because of anyone else’s view, or because of circumstances. The most important thing is that it is your own choice.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

I feel like I’m being selfish because I like life the way it is just now we are getting by comfortably and I am able to give my children the life and opportunities I want to.

It is absolutely NOT selfish to put your existing children first.

From what you have written, your family will suffer if you have another child at this stage.

At 7weeks, it is not a baby. It’s tissue the size of a blueberry.

Hey I've name changed for this. I have 3 children, my youngest is older than yours - I became pregnant with number 4, unplanned. Financially we could afford another child - we have the space in the house and the big car, but I just didn't want another, at that point, due to a number of reasons.

I terminated privately extremely early, before 6 weeks, and the process was fine. I don't have any regret because I know it was the right thing for us. I'll never say never, I may decide I want a fourth in a couple of years but you have to do the right thing for you, right now.

Also maybe move this to pregancy choices - you may get softer replies in there.

It’s easy to think that abortions are something young women have because they made a mistake with their contraception (or they didn’t use any) and they feel they are too young for kids, but actually, a large proportion of abortions are requested by women in exactly your situation - women in happy, stable relationships who have completed their family and who don’t feel they can stretch their time, money and house space to accommodate another child in the way they like to parent.
If you feel this is best for you and for your family then that is a perfectly valid reason to go through with the termination. It’s ok and normal to have some conflicting feeling about it all too. If you had unlimited money and a huge house, perhaps you would choose differently, but very few of us are in that position in life.
If you change your mind and decide to keep the baby, you will make it work, but it will inevitably involve spreading your ressources thinner, and it’s ok that that’s not what you want.

You really don't sound like you want another child. You don't have to have one. It's OK

It’s fine to end the pregnancy, zero to feel any guilt about. Is your husband sorting a vasectomy?

@minipie thank for replying

you are right, I don’t want this baby but to have the abortion I really dont know if I will feel relief or regret and it scares me that it will be regret once it is too late.

I haven’t had any pressure to go either way, the only person I have spoke to is my husband and he hasn’t really said much TBH, he said he’s scared to say to much incase he sways my decision one way or another and he wants it to be my decision. I feel like I want him to tell me what to do but at the same time respect that he’s giving me space to decide.

I know that I am leaning more towards the abortion I’m just struggling with the thought of how I’m going to feel afterwards. My youngest is 16moths not 18months I made a mistake in my first post, what I’m scared of being a reoccurring trigger is that this baby will have the same birthday as my son to almost the exact day.

@Anon7744885 thanks for replying, it’s good to hear I’m not the only one with children already and considering an abortion. How did you feel straight after your abortion and did it take long to come to terms with it afterwards. This is my main worry, how I will feel after.

i just made the mumsnet account today and wasn’t sure how it worked or where best to post, thanks for the advice to maybe move my post to another subject.

I had 2 abortions after I already had four children . They were both around 5/6 weeks . Now I’m waiting to be sterilised. But anyway you don’t have to feel bad x

I feel like you might regret the abortion if you go through with it, the way you are struggling with the decision. Your youngest is still young and you are already in the baby stage, I would keep the baby. You will find a way to make it work.

I think the fact you are so unsure might mean you will regret it. I had an abortion 18 years ago and I still regret it. I regretted it from the moment I came home and I constantly wonder what he/she would have been like, it's a real problem for me. Thats me though, everyone is so different, but just wanted to share my experience. You are so busy with three children already you might find you handle it fine.

I have six children. When I fell pregnant with my youngest it was a massive shock as I had a coil fitted. I went for an abortion and couldn’t go through with it.

for various reasons my youngest needs 24/7 care and always will. It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life and the impact on my other children is the thing I feel most guilty about.

Its ok to not want another child. It’s ok to put your children, and your/their life, first.

@JustLyra thanks for sharing your experience, sorry to hear about your youngest it must be extremely hard 😔 I felt I had to reply back to you with something I didn’t mention in the original post that has also been a major factor in my decision. I have a very under active thyroid that is being treated but not under control yet, I have spoke to the doctor about it and they said that in my situation I am at higher risk of the baby being in some way mentally delayed as the hormone the baby needs to develop especially in the first trimester, I am not producing enough of. They did however say that I could go on to have a normal pregnancy and healthy baby but I can’t help but think what if it’s not

Maybe with this baby and your third being so close in age it will be a lot easier. Never guaranteed but they may play well together and form a bond that your third might not with the older two.

My brother and I were 18 months apart and were very close. When my unplanned younger brother came along he was very much alone and I do wonder if he ever felt like an only child.

I know someone who had two teenagers then a surprise baby. She then had a planned fourth baby and it worked perfectly for them.

In my experience there is never a perfect time or ideal situation to have a baby. You take what you get and deal with it one day at a time, good and bad.

When mine were really young I used to get so overwhelmed, I wish someone had told me just how quickly they grow and whatever situation you are in (good or bad) it won't last forever.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

I feel for you so much, and it really will be fine whatever you decide. As previous posters have said there are difficulties in whatever you choose, and that is what makes it so hard. I realise your OH is being really considerate, and wanting to give you space to decide, but this is probably a time to come down from the fence a bit, it would probably give you the strength to make a decision one way or the other. As others have said, it doesn't rule out the future either way, but at least you face it together. For reference, my first was stillborn, after that I refused to take any contraception "ever" and said I would have as many that would come, I had two a year apart then another two 15 months apart. Whereas I wouldn't have it any other way now, we've been though some lively times. Although I stubbornly batted away any discussion about going ahead (1 in 4 downs chance for the second 2) and both were OK, I do wonder what I was thinking at times, I probably didn't realise the impact on CH1-3 of the fourth had had problems. I hope you you can find your way through it. I wish you luck and love.

Why do you think you may regret an abortion OP? You’ve said you don’t want a baby, you are pro choice, you think it would affect your family negatively, you have medical reason to be concerned about developmental problems. I am not sure why you would regret it. You may feel sadness, yes, but why regret? Unless there is part of you that does want another baby?

@minipie hits the nail on the head. There is a difference between sadness and regret. Wondering what might have been isn't necessarily regret. Either decision would involve a lot of "what ifs".

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

🌹

Best wishes to you. If you have any doubt then don't go through with it

Hm, whilst ultimately the decision of course must be yours, I do feel like your husband could give a bit of input? Like surely there is some element of joint thinking here?

You’re not a one night stand that he knocked up. You’re a family.

But for what it’s worth, personally I’d find a way through with the baby. Most people don’t regret continuing with a pregnancy.

I had an abortion when I already had dd. I didn’t regret it for a second. Other things in my life took priority and adding another kid would’ve affected that priority. It was the best decision for me and my dd.

maybe you can get counseling to talk to someone now that may help you make your decision. And if you decide to abort maybe get counseling afterwards as well.

but I do feel that when most people are unsure they usually keep the baby.

What I'm reading and please correct me if I'm wrong is that you don't want a baby and you don't want an abortion. But not wanting an abortion isn't reason enough to bring a child into the world.

If you could snap your fingers, right now, and be pregnant or not pregnant, which would you be?

Thanks to everyone who has commented, I’ve still not made a final decision yet but there have been some comments that have made me think a little differently in each scenario. Hopefully with a few days to think about what each have you have said I will be more at ease with making a decision

@minipie i never really thought of my feelings being more sadness towards it rather than regret so thanks for pointing that out as I never thought of it that way. If it is sadness then it would make it easier to live with I think, I just have to figure out which.

@twinings2 you reminded me of what I have said to others that there is never a good time to have a baby and you just have to make it work around them

@ElenaSt its been 2 weeks of doubt on whether which decision is the right one, is the doubt really enough to let me know that I should keep the baby because I honestly don’t know

@Geneviev i know I wouldn’t regret the baby once it was here, I would love it just the same as my other kids but it would be the regret of feeling I can’t give them all what they deserve that would eat away at me most I think

@MrsTerryPratchett the answer to your question is no I would rather not be pregnant right now but it’s maybe because I already have 3 children that I am struggling with the idea of not giving this one a chance at life

@sjpkgp1 having another one who would be close in age to my youngest I know would be good in the long run as it turned out well with my girls who are 17months apart, it was very hard in the beginning but they are great together now. Like you mentioned there was a chance of downs in your kids I feel you are a stronger person than me because I’m not sure I could cope with my child having some sort of disability ( while not an extremely high chance there is a higher chance than average ) and like you said the impact on my other kids if this happened