Middle child syndrome?

[3AndStopping]

I’m pregnant with my third (& last) child, I know this isn’t really considered a ‘large’ family but it’s larger +1 than I’d imagined!

I’m really, really worried about middle child syndrome. We have all girls & I really don’t want our sweet middle daughter to feel less loved etc.

Anyone have experience? What can I do to avoid? It’s really the only thing I am genuinely worried about.

Thank you!

It is something I have only ever heard of on here.

Don't know if I count as I am 1 of 2 in the middle (ie 1 of 4)
dh is one of 3
I have 3
My sister has 3
My BiL has 3
Plenty of our friends have 3, and other friends grew up as one of 3.

I have never come across this supposed concept in real life.

@BackforGood that’s reassuring, thank you!

Hi OP! I’m a middle child of 3 and generally don’t feel it’s done me any harm at all. Hard to tell what impact birth order has but I’ve been a mediator all through life and find it easy to get on with anyone. I think some of that comes from swapping between older kids games with my older sibling and then younger stuff with my younger sibling my kids whole childhood. I love having two siblings and am close to both (I secretly have always felt I have a better bond with each of them than they have with each other as we are ‘next to each other’ in age. Maybe untrue but I always thought that as a child).

Negatives- I remember as a small child (maybe 3?) thinking my dad would play proper games with my older sibling (football, proper swimming, board games etc) and my mum was always with the baby and sometimes I felt a bit lost. My parents are lovely and really tried to give us all the same attention so whether this was true or my perception I don’t know. I also felt my whole childhood that I had to compromise what I wanted to do for either the older or younger and never got to choose myself (but perhaps that’s having siblings).

Ultimately I love having siblings and I don’t think it matters too much. As they’re all girls make the effort to individualise the middle one as the others will be 'the oldest' 'the baby' and theyll get lumped together as 'the girls'. good luck with the new baby!

I honestly don't think my middle son (of three) has experienced middle child syndrome. He's an adult now and seems to have grown up fairly unscathed

I’m a middle child and sad to say I hated it so much I swore I would only ever have two children myself.

My older sister is the golden child; my younger brother is the family baby. I am the inconvenience and it has been that way my whole life. I was extremely jealous of my younger sibling as there was a 7 year gap. My older sibling and younger sibling are very close . I rarely see my family . It bothers me hugely but it is what it is.

I would say make sure you listen to all your children, always make sure they are treated fairly and don’t just assume they’ll be happy to go along with whatever the oldest or youngest wants.

This is just my experience; not all families will be the same

We’ve got three. We do find our middle one expects us to notice he needs us whereas the other two demand our attention. So we do have to consciously work harder to make sure he feels he gets the same attention, as he would potter on independently indefinitely wanting us but not making any fuss. He’s very keen to have his own identify and be different to the other two and we support him with that. He is very good at playing with both the other two and it has given him unique skills and a relationship with them both, which the other two covet a little.

I am the middle child of 5 and honestly don't even know what middle child syndrome is so I can't say it's anything I ever experienced.
I've loved being in the middle, always felt like I had the best position in the family actually as I have an older brother and sister, and also a younger brother and sister. It felt like our family had a good balance with the age gaps between us all and a mix of both sexes.
Not sure if it would be different if it was 5 girls or 4 boys 1 girl for example. But we all had an amazing childhood, no 'power struggle' or rivalry, usual sibling bickering and winding each other up but we are still all so close now we are adults.

I have to add though, that my parents, and grandparents made a very clear point of always treating all 5 of us fairly and the same, and actually still do to this day so that may have played a big part in me not feeling any different by being in the middle.

My mother swears I haven’t but I do. Some stuff that I could suggest to avoid it:

You will be making a lot of allowances for each milestone of your eldest because whatever they are going through is new to your eldest child AND to you.

When the turn comes for the second child, you will be more relaxed, as you would have gone through Tim but do not forget that for your second child everything is new so she needs as much support (and fuss) as you provided to the eldest when she went through the same milestone.

Your younger kid, being the youngest, will require most of your attention, make sure you devote as much one to one time to your eldest kids as to your baby. You may think they do not need it as they are older and more independent but again, they go through their own different struggles at any age and the baby will always be the baby.

So it is pretty much about finding a balance on the attention each kid gets. Most middle children are more independent and often more social but IME that happened because with my mother being so busy supporting my elder sister through new challenges and trying to care for the baby I was ignored more often than the other 2, so I become more independent out of necessity and more social because I really needed to build some support around me.

Hope that helps at least a bit 🙂

Thank you so much everyone. Such a varied bunch of opinions & experiences. I’m so sorry to anyone that felt they suffered for being a middle child, it’s something I so badly want to avoid!

My youngest now, so will be middle girl... is quite laid back in general so I think it makes me worry even more about her being ‘left out.’

I think I will Try to have days where each of them gets one on one time with me or their dad, some where they choose.

& just keep a level playing field really... fairness all round. 🤞🏼

They are all close in age, 2 years between each of them. So hopefully no jealousy due to a big age difference...

I'm a middle child and here's my suggestion: obviously living in a family is all about compromise and no one can get exactly what they want all the time. But maybe consciously try to give everyone exactly what they want some of the time. Even if only once a year on their birthday. I felt growing up that every thing I ever wanted was so diluted by the time it had been adjusted for what would suit everyone else, from the baby brother to grandpa, that it was unrecognisable - I couldn't even choose my own birthday dinner. My two siblings were both much better at getting things their own way, partly through circumstance and partly through personality. Most people seem to think that children have to be taught that things aren't always about them - I was taught that things would never be about me and it's a problem to this day. The worst mistakes I have ever made at work have been letting things go because I was the only one who thought they were important and I am thoroughly trained that if it's only important to me, it's not important at all. I'm handicapped by this. Have conscious procedures, a spreadsheet if necessary (I'm serious) to make sure that sometimes it really is actually all about [middle child]

I agree with @KarmaNoMore about making sure their first experiences is treated as being as big a deal as when their older sibling did it, even though it is no longer your first time doing it as a parent. My parents often forgot to do this (I was the youngest of two). However, I got advantages too that my sister didn’t get.
There will always be good and bad sides to where you are in the birthing order. Our eldest gets practiced on because it is our first time too as parents, our youngest is a few years younger than the other two so feels left out sometimes & is expected I think to grow up a little quicker and our middle one likely feels missed sometimes in the general melee.
I feel that in families where the middle child feels bitterness owing to feeling they’ve suffered middle child syndrome, usually the other children feel equal but different angst.

I'm a middle, and I definitely felt overlooked and the one who was expected to compromise.

Since the dc were little, dh and I have made sure to each take one of them away for an overnight trip off at least one night. That way they each had one-to-one time with each parent, with no compromises to accommodate their siblings. Anything from a city break abroad to a camping trip an hour away from home.

It was also lovely for us, as parents, to be able to focus on just the one child at a time. I hope it helped.

My middle child is my favourite

I was a middle child and loved it. I didn’t even hear about middle child syndrome till I was grown up!. It’s total nonsense. Every position has its pluses and minuses.

@CointreauVersial 🤣🤣🤣

@SenselessUbiquity - definitely see that in our three. The eldest and youngest definitely are better at demanding what they want. Our middle one actively looks to disadvantaged himself often to appease the others and has in fact become annoyed with us for not letting him do it more. I’ve sat him down and said how whilst it is lovely he is caring, it’s important he and the others learn that he has an equal share - otherwise it’s going to impact their adulthoods. He will not prioritise his own needs and the others will expect more than their fair share as a matter of course. He’s taken that on board but still sometimes defaults to disadvantaging himself to please the others.

That’s great @5zeds I hope I can create a life where my middle says the same when she’s older!

Middle child here, and oldest and youngest definitely got more attention, I always felt like the odd one out.

@JustOneMoreRun bless him, he sounds absolutely lovely.

So Sorry @Mrstwiddle. In what way do you wish your parents had done things differently?

I am was the middle child and can honestly say it made absolutely no difference to my childhood. My son is the middle child and he has a lovely older sister who has always looked after him 💕She has probably been too protective. My younger son is actually having a great life and learning by his older siblings mistakes...basically it is a lottery...just don’t try too hard to micro manage their lives X

I think the fact you’re aware that it can be an issue is a good sign, and really just giving equal amounts of attention in as far as that’s possible. There was a fairly large age group between me and the youngest which I don’t think helped.

Photos! Please remember the middle child in photos alone or together just keep taking them.

I am a middle child of 3 girls, and absolutely have middle child syndrome. IMO it’s worse when the three children are all the same gender, as with mixed genders you can still be the ‘oldest girl’ if you are in the middle.

I just never felt loved enough. My parents all love us so much and have supported us financially and emotionally and in every way possible, but I just knew that I was third. That if the others wanted to do something (particular day out, particular meal for dinner, movie to watch out or on DVD - whatever we were picking) I wouldn’t get my choice. They might make a token effort to consult, but I always knew it would not end up as mine. Like others above, I guess after awhile I just accepted it and didn’t bother to speak up, but the resentment was still there.

Like others, I notice it impacts me at work. I will see something wrong and won’t speak up as I will think I can’t possibly be the only one to see it, or the only right one, and then it becomes a big issue and I kick myself for not backing myself, and speaking out and showing my worth to the company.

My parents deny it, they say they loved us all equally, and I believe they think that. It’s not about the loving, but I think about an easy life. If the eldest and youngest are the loudest, then you cater to them to keep the peace, and your middle one disappears.

What would I have wanted? More equity in the decisions. I guess like, Eldest gets to chose the family movie tonight, but it is middles turn next time (and stick to it). One on one time with each parent - days out etc. My siblings got one-on-one time with parents - the eldest before I was born and the youngest in the gap between me leaving for uni and them leaving. Both very different times, but my parents speak of both those periods fondly but have never realised that they don’t have a similar time for me. I was always in a crowd.