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Original poster

Can any mums of many boys help me with my feelings?

48 replies

Pravi987 · 29/01/2021 15:27

I’m expecting my 4th boy. It’s going to be my last child and I’m clear on that. I’m overwhelmed by huge sadness at the fact that I’ll never have a girl. I can’t stop crying.

My boys are all awesome and all different and I have no issues at all with having a 4th boy, I think he’ll be a great addition to the clan and I’m looking forward to having him. All my negative feelings are around what I won’t have rather than what I will have. I can’t seem to come to terms with it and accept it as the hand I’ve been dealt (or rather not been dealt). I keep seeing girls, everyone seems to have a daughter, it seems so easy for people, so natural, except for me it’s been impossible and now it is over and it will never happen and it’s hard to accept.

Has anyone managed similar feelings? How do I move past this?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 29/01/2021 18:34

Perhaps look at what you think you will get from a relationship with a daughter, that you won't get from a son ?

then those of us who have raised both to adulthood can tell you the truth and reassure you that you really aren't missing out.

Crappyfridays7 · 29/01/2021 19:02

I have 4 boys too, they are awesome but I didn’t find out until he was born. I think sometimes finding out what you’re having gives you the chance to think about not having a girl and the things you’ll miss.

You can do loads with your boys, it’s not the same no. But as much as I’d have liked to have had a girl when my beautiful boy was passed to me in hospital I was just happy he was here and a lovely chubby wee man, adorable and a loving little boy (now 9).

Think about what you get from your boys, I have lovely kind, intelligent boys with lovely senses of humour and lots of fun and laughter in our house. I don’t miss that relationship with a girl because I’ve never had it. I may have granddaughters one day maybe though. I’m sure when you were trying for this baby you wanted a baby not a girl? Enjoy your pregnancy and your beautiful little boy when he comes along. I so miss the baby days, toddling in wee dungarees and singing Bob the builder and playing with trains. Focus on what you do have, 3 healthy lovely boys and one on the way. Lots of snuggly late night cuddles and that baby smell again. I do miss it. With my 4th I really took it all in as I knew that would be it. No more babies. Exhausting with 4 though so you might not have time to think about much. Take care of yourself and take time to process how you feel and why then look forward to the birth of your son and enjoy the chaos that is about to begin with 4 boys!!

StrikingMatches · 29/01/2021 19:17

I have one of each. The love and cuddles I receive from my DS are the best. He's the first to read your emotions, buoy me up and run for my slippers - he's 7. My DD has recently learned how to show affection but she is nowhere near as emotionally intelligent as my DS. What I'm trying to say is, all children are different and having a daughter will not automatically result in the mother/daughter bond you may think it will. I appreciate it's easy for me to say. Be kind to yourself, grieve for what you won't have and then enjoy what you have.

Original poster

Pravi987 · 29/01/2021 19:18

Thank you both. I do have many lovely pairs of dungarees in the attic that he will be able to wear!

OP posts:

HastingsSpoon · 29/01/2021 19:21

Hugs

I cried so much when I found out DS3’s sex. I looked at women on the street with their girls & I was so jealous, how come they had a girl? I know that sounds RIDICULOUS btw! I felt like this for a few weeks then I was fine & excited again.

I do also want 4 & I am thinking my 4th must be a girl after 3 boys but I don’t think I can ‘risk it’ mentally. Boys are amazing but like you say it’s missing what you don’t have, I wouldn’t change then BUT would also like a girl, it’s a complicated set of emotions.

I’m sure you will feel better soon xx

lateSeptember1964 · 29/01/2021 19:25

I have four grown up sons and their all fantastic and watching them grow has been a privilege and lots of fun. However, I think the saddest thing in my life was not having a daughter. I see other women out and about with theirs and it makes me sad for the daughter I never had. I would say just a acknowledge it as a grief. It doesn’t detract from my four amazing boys but it does cause sadness x

Emily639 · 29/01/2021 19:26

It’s okay to grieve. You are feeling loss, it’s a completely natural reaction. Trying to rationalise it (boys are just as loving / it will save on buying new clothes etc) probably won’t help, but a good cry does wonders. Give yourself permission to feel that sadness. Once you have felt the sadness and grieved you will be able to move on and celebrate the new little one coming. Don’t ever feel guilty for feeling grief, it’s human nature. Sending love xx

Standrewsschool · 29/01/2021 19:26

You’ve ‘grieving’ for the daughter that you won’t be having. I think it’s a natural reaction.

I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, and the hardest thing for me was knowing I wouldn’t be able to have any more children ( even though I was over forty five and not planning any!). Suddenly there were hundreds of forty -fifty year olds in the press all having children!

I haven’t got any practical advice except for time is a healer. There may always be a part of you that yearns for the girl. However, I know this won’t stopping you loving boy no. 4.

IEat · 29/01/2021 19:36

Boys girls they all give you grief, worry, sleepless nights and complete happiness

NancyDrawed · 29/01/2021 19:45

I have 3 boys and while in some ways I wish I'd had a daughter too, (well past it, now!) there is no guarantee that mothers and daughters will be close.
My sister did not get on with mother AT ALL, they always clashed terribly. I did, and miss her dreadfully now that she is dead, but I would not have described our relationship as 'close'.

LampLighterInn · 29/01/2021 19:47

I have boys, too and I love what @Crappyfridays7 wrote.

My teenage boys have grown up to be thoughtful and kind with fantastic senses of humour. I love spending time with them and hearing their outlook on everything.

I have 2 sisters and I always thought I'd be a mother of girls in the same way my mum was - going shopping and hanging out, chatting on the phone and popping in for cups of tea and catch-ups. I would've loved a little girl but seeing how my boys have turned out and how close I am to them, I don't know if I'd have the same relationship with a daughter as I do with my sons.

Enjoy your last little boy, OP, it's okay to grieve but I'm sure you will be so enchanted with your new baby that you will move forward.

emeraldcity2000 · 29/01/2021 20:07

My mil has 3 boys. I remember her very sheepishly asking if it would be okay to come wedding dress shopping with me and my mum as she didn't have daughters - I'd never have considered not asking her! She was very excited when a granddaughter came along 😂.

I think it's a natural reaction and that you'll forget it all the second he arrives.

Lelophants · 29/01/2021 20:11

I've always wanted a daughter but if I only have boys, I want 4 I'm jealous op! They will be such a mixed bunch. So exciting.

NovemberR · 29/01/2021 20:18

Boys are fab. Boys are easy going, have a group of mates, and boys love you a lot more than anyone else. For a lot longer. When they are teens they are smelly and grunt at you - but when you ask if they are ok they look surprised and say Yeah. Why? Boys will grow up to tower over you and treat you as though you are delicate. And boys are much more loving.

Girls. Girls have one best friend they fall out with and come home weeping and devastated. Or furious and angry. Girls are drama queens. Girls can be bitchy. Girls make you feel old and fat and ancient. Girls lock themselves in the bathroom for hours and don't care if you're on the verge of wetting yourself. Their needs are far more important. Girls are HARD work. Girls do NOT want to go shopping with you - or if they do, it is only so you can buy them everything they demand and in shops you don't want to buy anything in. Any idea of 'shared' interests is a fallacy. Girls sneer at your choices/fashion sense/music.

I've got several kids of both sexes. Love them all - but the boys were a lot easier to raise!

fedup2017 · 29/01/2021 20:20

I have 4 boys...... When we found out the youngest was a boy I did feel a bit sad.
I'm not really into dresses and pink and I wanted a girl initially as I wanted a kick ass feminist daughter. Essentially I wanted to raise a happy confident cooler version of me..... Which was a bit daft as anyone with older children knows they turn into their own people.

All I can say is now they are older teens I know that I've raised some kind , thoughtful kick-ass feminist men.... And that is really cool too.

ParkheadParadise · 29/01/2021 20:21

My sister had 3 boys, then had twin boys.
They are all grown up now but all of them have a great relationship with her and are very close to their mum.
She always wanted a girl but is more than happy to have all boys now. She's got 4 granddaughters no grandsons yet.

Mimilamore · 29/01/2021 20:25

I had 4 daughters..... didn't mind but was curious about what a boy may have been like. I now have 4 granddaughter and ..., 3 grandsons and curiosity had been met albiet once removed.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 29/01/2021 20:27

In response to the op:

I had 3 boys and I was fully expecting DC4 to be a boy. Like you, all my boys are awesome, all different, all fantastic in their own way. They are all my princes and I love them all dearly.
When preg with DC4 I was expecting another boy.
Because of this, I thought more of how unique we would be with 4 boys. Like families with all girls or all boys, probability says 4 of the same sex is rarer.
I knew what I was doing with (little) boys - not so much now they are teens but saying that I am blessed they are quite easy I believe compared to others.
DC4 was a girl. All I thought I'd ever wanted was a girl.
Now she is 10 but from the moment she was a toddler she has been much harder work than any of the boys were and I worry about how things will pan out as she enters secondary school and the world in general.
Overall, all 3 of the boys are much more loving towards me and either rightly or wrongly, I am generally much less worried about them growing up.
I'm a couple of glasses deep and this is just how I feel and honest. Maybe it will help.
Sometimes I feel sad that I didn't have 4 boys, other times I feel glad I had a girl too, but overall, I secretly think maybe another boy would have been lovely.

Mumtothelittlefella · 29/01/2021 20:30

You’re feelings are valid. Comparing yourself to others won’t help. I would have loved to have a large family as you do. I still ache for it although I adore the family I have and feel so blessed.

Hugs. It’ll take time but give yourself time and acknowledge and accept your feelings. It’s ok to say I would have loved a girl. It’s doesn’t take away from the love you have for your sons. I hope you find a away to find peace with it.

DareIask · 29/01/2021 20:32

I totally empathise. I could only have 2 children and when I found out my second was also a boy I was very sad. Not because I didn't want another son, but because I wanted a daughter.

Both are 30s now and I will always look back on life and wonder how different it would have been had I had a daughter. But I will never look back and regret my sons, who are my pride and joy.

AnotherEmma · 29/01/2021 20:38

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AnotherEmma · 29/01/2021 20:45

OP, I think it's perfectly natural and understandable to mourn the daughter you will never have

I have two DC and found out the sex during pregnancy both times; each time I mourned the girl/boy that could have been, despite also being happy about the baby I did have.

If it helps at all, my guess is that it could be quite hard for a girl to have three brothers (or for a boy to have three sisters) and to feel the odd one out to some extent. I certainly felt that way, although there were other factors at play for me (separated parents, resident v visiting children, half/step siblings etc).

thebestnamehere · 29/01/2021 20:50

Sarah Beeny has 4 boys - she always looks happy and look like they have great fun!!!

Boys always love their mums 1

You will have 4 daughter in laws at one point!

IndecentCakes · 29/01/2021 20:52

Mine are all boys (3). I accept it - they were the children I was meant to be a mother to. I hope I raise them well enough to be a good next generation!

AnotherEmma · 29/01/2021 20:54

"You will have 4 daughter in laws at one point!"

Maybe, maybe not!
One or more might be gay or just stay single

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