Can any mums of many boys help me with my feelings?

[Pravi987]

I’m expecting my 4th boy. It’s going to be my last child and I’m clear on that. I’m overwhelmed by huge sadness at the fact that I’ll never have a girl. I can’t stop crying.

My boys are all awesome and all different and I have no issues at all with having a 4th boy, I think he’ll be a great addition to the clan and I’m looking forward to having him. All my negative feelings are around what I won’t have rather than what I will have. I can’t seem to come to terms with it and accept it as the hand I’ve been dealt (or rather not been dealt). I keep seeing girls, everyone seems to have a daughter, it seems so easy for people, so natural, except for me it’s been impossible and now it is over and it will never happen and it’s hard to accept.

Has anyone managed similar feelings? How do I move past this?

Yes, I get this, and also what a pp said about 'raising another version of you'. I grew up with a sister so for me a female dominated family is my norm. I almost cried when I had my first scan and it was a boy, because I just felt like I had no idea what to do with boys - all I could see in our future was muddy football kits and lego, when I wanted ballet and gymnastics.

I've got 2 boys, and some days I feel outnumbered - I often think about getting a female dog to even things up!! When we are struggling to contain their energy or boisterous play, I think about other parents with girls who seem to be having a much easier time of it. But I think this is really grass is greener territory, because if I had a daughter with my raging teenage temper, I'd be an alcoholic and other Mums at our school who I think have lovely little daughters often complain about their moodiness!! In all honesty, my boys are good fun, and they keep me very active as an older parent, and I am just curious now to see how it all pans out. C'est la vie!

Thanks everyone, that’s really helpful. It’s not something I can admit to people in real life because it makes me seem really ungrateful for the amazing kids that I do have. And I’m not ungrateful for them, I’m just sad about what could have been right now and I keep thinking about how I would be feeling had we just received news that it was actually a girl. It’s like the possibility and hope is haunting me.

@NovemberR

Boys are fab. Boys are easy going, have a group of mates, and boys love you a lot more than anyone else. For a lot longer. When they are teens they are smelly and grunt at you - but when you ask if they are ok they look surprised and say Yeah. Why? Boys will grow up to tower over you and treat you as though you are delicate. And boys are much more loving.

Girls. Girls have one best friend they fall out with and come home weeping and devastated. Or furious and angry. Girls are drama queens. Girls can be bitchy. Girls make you feel old and fat and ancient. Girls lock themselves in the bathroom for hours and don't care if you're on the verge of wetting yourself. Their needs are far more important. Girls are HARD work. Girls do NOT want to go shopping with you - or if they do, it is only so you can buy them everything they demand and in shops you don't want to buy anything in. Any idea of 'shared' interests is a fallacy. Girls sneer at your choices/fashion sense/music.

I've got several kids of both sexes. Love them all - but the boys were a lot easier to raise!

I think it depends on the boys and girls in question PP....

@Pravi987 I did that too, imagining my reaction finding out it was a girl. Imagining going shopping & getting all the lovely clothes. Imagining how much her big brothers would dote on her. A part of me thought it might be a mistake so I was Googling ‘wrong baby scans’

I went to Asda afterwards & cried in the upstairs bit (clothing)! I felt so pathetic & so guilty with how I was feeling.

My 3rd boy isn’t born yet but I am beyond excited now, let yourself feel how you feel & then you will move on quickly

I had a thread on here with some support, some arsey comments but mostly support. It’s the thoughts of comments from other people that enraged me but due to lockdown I haven’t had any

Thanks @HastingsSpoon I feel the same about comments from others. I’m really over sensitive to it. I got a lot of sympathy and jokes that weren’t funny with my third son. I know that if I’d had 4 daughters I wouldn’t care what anyone thought.

Congratulations!!

I have 4 boys. And I love it. I did think I would have a daughter at some point, but it clearly wasn't meant to be (definitely not having any more now).

I did, if I'm honest, have that classic fantasy of playing with dolls houses (I got one for my boys and they do play with it, but in a very chaotic way) and buying little dresses and braiding hair... But simultaneously mocked myself for having those fantasies because I knew there was no guarantee that a daughter would necessarily want any of that (I was a determinedly short haired, dungaree wearing little girl myself). And hair and clothes is a stupid reason for wanting a child anyway!

I got round those feelings by wearing pretty dresses more myself... Whilst going for muddy walks and climbing trees of course.

And... I realised that, letting go of any expectation of what/who you child is going to turn out to be is a crucial lesson in parenthood, and it's good to learn it early on.

It's all fine now.

I think I understand your position, though I'm in the same and opposite position. I'm very lucky to have three daughters, but I always wanted a son. Since I was a kid I was sure I'd have a boy. It's almost like I can see him. I love my children more than anything on earth (as I'm sure we all do) but that feeling when we found out they were all girls - at the scans and I could see the quickly veiled disappointment on my husbands face- (he adores them all from the moment they are born!) I cried so much this last time.

Like you say, it's absolutely NOT that you don't want this baby, it's that you want that experience too. We know 6 families who all had 2 girls and all went on to have a third who was a boy, but not us. I struggled with it. It's mad really, I know we are so incredibly lucky to have children whether girl or boy.

I have a brilliant relationship with my Dad and a complicated one with my mum.
What helps I think is that your daughter might come in the form of a granddaughter - my best friend, her MIL had three sons and her granddaughter- my friends daughter looks just like her!! They are so close, it's so lovely to see.

My husband is one of three boys. The relationship I have with his mum is magic. In many ways I'm closer to her than my own mum, so again, as people have said your daughter in laws might fill that gap.

Sorry for the long post. As you can see I've spent a lot of time thinking about this subject (and feel very guilty for doing so. 😭).

I have two sons but would have loved a girl. My two sons are amazing dads
I now have a wonderful granddaughter i treasure her and my 2 grandsons. Life is what you make it

I have four boys 🙌 welcome to the club😀

My youngest was born very premature so the fact he was a boy wasn't a concern. Didn't have time to dwell as we were worried sick about him. We are not having any more after what we went through. He also needed major surgery at 15mo so our family is definitely complete.

I just enjoy what I do have. Haven't really considered it much about not having a daughter. It wasn't meant for me and that's that 🤷

Please enjoy your family, remember it's your family OP 💐

I sympathise. I did get a girl in the end and was happy, although ironically she is now my least favourite child, lol. So much more difficult and less affectionate. My cousin had three boys and I knew she really wanted a girl , she's much older than us and used to do our hair when we were little. So she is my daughter's godmother instead and seems absolutely delighted and I've assured her no amount of frilly pink shit is unacceptable

I can kind of understand how you feel. I have 2 DS's and I did want a girl when pregnant. As soon as both were born though all those feelings went away and I wouldn't change them for the world.
I don't want to be critical of girls but a lot of friends have found girls to be more difficult. A friend of mine said if she could choose her next baby she would definitely choose a boy.
I also think having 4 boys will be amazing as they grow up. 4 brothers all towering over you and looking out for you, I really do think that is so special.

We are going to try for DC3 soon and right now I'm 50/50 on what I would prefer, I quite like the idea of a little boy gang and not changing the dynamics in the house (I like being the only girl!)
But I know when I get pregnant the hope for a girl will probably reappear because it is definitely my last baby and I'll imagine all the girl clothes that I can buy etc. However, I KNOW once the child is born I won't care, so next time we've decided not to find out! Having 3 healthy children and one on the way is such a blessing you are so lucky.

Oh don’t worry about it three boys here and in what seemed like a blink of the eye I’m a gran to three girls ! Their lovely and it makes a change. But enjoy your lovely boys their fab too.

I have 3 grown up sons and honestly it’s wonderful . They appreciate me so much and I feel really special, it’s hard to explain. I too was sad when I
realised I’d never have a daughter, particularly because I don’t have a sister either but then as they became school age DC I could see how easy and enjoyable it was having all boys.

I have 4 dd and I think it is good to have a little bit of grieving now because when your last little one comes around you will probably get “trying for a daughter” comment. It would irritate me beyond belief that people were constantly saying (in front of my daughters) that we were unlucky not to get a son. Now they are aged between 9-14 and we don’t get the comments as much. As with a pp, I guess I more love the fact of having all of done sex - it feels pretty unique. At times I would have loved a mix, and I would have loved more, but I guess you have to make peace with what you have.

I was constantly surprised though when they were young about how many people would comment on all girls and how unlucky we were. My girls were ace though, they would say (and it is true) that Mum actually had 5 girls, but our oldest sister died. People would move on quickly, and indeed the fact that they were alive and healthy was my prime concern.

Enjoy the lovely little humans you have! I would love to raise a boy into a respectful young man.

I can't answer your question, but I had a friend at school was was adopted. Her adoptive parents had three sons of their own, all in their teens when they adopted Sarah, aged 4. They wanted a little girl, not a baby, and so adoption was not too difficult.
Obviously this is the last thing on your mind now, but maybe in years to come you could think of something like this? Or perhaps fostering, although you would obviously have to be open to boys too!
I'm not for one moment suggesting you do this now or in the near future with your brood, but there are ways you can keep up your dream of sortof having a daughter, without another pregnancy, all the baby muck, early childcare costs, and without the "risk" of a fifth son.
Whatever you decide, I'm sure when you see your son you'll just love him to bits. xx

I think you need to ask yourself what you think a girl would give you that a boy wouldn't? Is it dressing them up? Believing there is a bond that is different between a mother and daughter than a mother and son?

I have two sons who are teenagers, 18 and 15. They still hug and kiss me, Ds1 goes shopping with me, Ds2 goes reluctantly we watch tv shows together including what could be classed as "chick flicks". Ds1 just watched Mean Girls!

I was not close to my Mum growing up in fact we disliked each other immensely and I couldn't wait to leave home. I am much closer to my own children in comparison. She was an incredible Grandma to my sons, she only ever had daughters.

Some us can’t have any babies at all. I’ve been pregnant 8 times and no baby to show for it. Counting your lucky stars for what you have!

@Berkeys

Some us can’t have any babies at all. I’ve been pregnant 8 times and no baby to show for it. Counting your lucky stars for what you have!

Yes, this too.

My now young adult daughter is so unlike me,, if I’m honest we don’t have much in common. I get on with my son much better. Had I had two boys though, I would have dwelt on the fact I didn’t have a girl.. because one just doesn’t know!

Your boys will always have someone to play with, someone they can talk to. Congrats on your beautiful family.

Mum of 4 boys here. I found out the sex and let out a sigh of relief I knew what I was getting, I could handle another boy and then there was a little pang of what I might miss out on but then feelings didn’t hang around for long. Now 6 years later I’m happy out and it’s my OH who often laments about not having a girl. When I have my niece over or some of the boys girl friends I find them a bit more demanding and need lots of attention, I find the lads easier (I know not all girls are like that!, but that has been my experience), once they are fed often and get cuddles they are happy out.

I think the sadness will go and become a distant memory, accept it and be ok with it. I think being very positive about having a boy when people ask did you want a girl also helps, you start to reprogram. On hindsight now I’m so happy I have my little men

I had a neighbour tell me not to worry because one day I will have grand daughters and they are even more fun.
You will hopefully get to meet your girl, you just have to wait a little longer but it will be all the sweeter.
Just make sure your sons grow up to be lovely competent men!

I have two sons who I adore but even now they are grown up I still wonder what I’ve missed out on by not having a daughter. My 3 closest friends all have a daughter and son each and I’m often invited out on ‘girls’ days out with friends and daughters which I both enjoy and find quite painful at the same time.