Is having a second child really that different to having just one?

[Sunshinemum12]

Hi there,
I'm 36 and DH is 44. 11 months ago we had our DD. DH has a very demanding job with very long days and normally travels throughout the year so feel lucky that DH was home this year to help out. We have no extended family here. I feel like I need to give DD a sibling soon (due to our age) as I worry she will be lonely on her own(though not sure if this is a myth)??? But also worry that by doing so it may break me, cause lots more stress and damage my relationship with DH (he is not fussed either way about having another but 'feels old'). Also aware that if I have a second DH won't be home in the way he was this year so it will be a totally different experience. Just wondering if any other mums out there have raised 2 with a partner who works away a lot and no family nearby? Are the tough times worth it for giving your child a sibling or would you suggest I stick with one? Sorry for the super long message, any insights much appreciated:)

Obviously everyone is different. I think the fact you're thinking about it means you want to go for a second. Sure there will be tough times but it's nice to have to two, especially close in age. They grow up very quickly, before you know it they'll be at school.

(I'm having my 5th next week, trust me 2 is magical.)

Go for 2. It’s harder for sure but more fun too. I think age 2/3 to 8 are the golden years and you haven’t hit that stage yet, you’re still in the very hard work stage

Have 2 because you want another child, not because you're worried about your child being lonely. Lots of siblings don't get on and for the first 18 months the baby won't actually be much company (by which time your child could be attending nursery or school for friends and company)

I have one, all my friends have 2- they all say a 2nd is easier than the first but it's undoubtedly much more work

I have 2 with a biggish age gap as couldn't bare to leave DC1 without a sibling

Agree that if you're thinking of a second then go for it, 2-8 is a brilliant age with kids.

However I cannot emphasize enough just how wearing bickering can be when they're older, they won't necessarily be close or have similar interests - but it's nothing a solid parenting strategy can't handle!

I’m an only child - I’m 33 and have always craved a sibling. None of my friends were only children and I have always felt that if something happens to my parents I’ll be all alone in this world in a sense.
Because of this, I’ll make sure that somehow I give my baby girl a sibling. She’s only 2 months but I intend to have another in the next 2/3 years. I appreciate they might not be best friends but just to know there’s someone else in the world that is your family your sibling, your same dna I think it’s special as I’ve missed out having it.

Having the 2nd baby has had a huge impact on our life quality for me and DH. Although my 2nd baby is no more demanding than my 1st child as a baby, having two children means DH and I have essentially no down time. With one child, we could take turns to rest. With two, it's impossible to give each child 100% attention while staying on top of the house chores. When I have to look after a baby and a 3 year old at the same time , I can't do crafts, or baking, or hand-on-hand drawing, or read a paper book, because the baby would want to grab and chew everything. For now at least, I would say having a sibling reduces the quality of my 1st child's life. Whether the long-run benefits will outweigh these, I don't know.
Also, I am an only child. I have never felt lonely or wanted a sibling. I am glad that because I am the only, I get all the help I need from my parents (e.g. childcare).

I don't regret having the 2nd baby, because I have always wanted two. But would I have the 2nd one for the sake of giving my 1st child a sibling? Definitely not.

I would say it's much harder with two young ones, yes.

If you are prepared to do it all on your own then go for it but personally I would not chose that situation.

If your dh was with to share the load then it would make a world of difference and I would definitely have another.

It could be the difference between enjoying their early childhood and enduring it.

We have 2 and I worked away a lot during the early years

The age gap is 2y9m and it's fine
Once you get past the baby stage, I would say it's much easier with 2 as they entertain each other, help one another and keep each other company

I had 2 mc between mine and was really glad I was lucky enough to have a second

Only you know for sure, but it sounds like you think it's the right thing for your family

@michellejj - you are definitely at the most difficult stage with 2!
It gets easier I promise

Thank you for your kind words.
I agree that an adult should be able to look after two kids. I can definitely keep my 7 month old and my 3 year old safe and fed and clean by myself. That's not a problem. But I do think that the 3 year old gets less of my attention and help as a result of the baby. If we didn't have a second, I would be able to do a lot more with DC1. I would have the mental energy and both hands to do activities particularly for his development, like teaching him to write. And I would be able to attend to his needs immediately rather than say after I finish the nappy change.
He is not unhappy or neglected, but would be happier if he had mummy all to himself.

Oh wow, overwhelmed that so many of you took the time to respond, thank you all so much for sharing your insights/experiences, really, really appreciate it as haven't been sure who to talk to about it all. @passthemustard best wishes for the birth of your 5th! Amazing! @michellejj thank you for your honesty, really hope things improve for you soon, I have such respect for all parents now, it's a tough gig! @MrsBrunch thank you also for your advice, yes this is my biggest fear as it would mainly be me on my own with the two children and I worry how I'd cope and that my marriage may suffer for it. @jackstini that's reassuring though, maybe it's a case of mindset, that I know it will be hard for the first few years but then it will get easier, I think if I had family here (not saying I'd depend on them but just knowing they were there if I needed) I wouldn't hesitate but this is a very real concern for me due to DH job. Anyway, lots to think about and I am truly grateful for all your responses. Thank you againxx

@michellejj I feel the same way as you.

@Sunshinemum12 what is your plan for putting both children to bed on your own? My partner may have to go back to working away from home each week again next year (after a break thanks to Covid) and I am worrying about how to do bedtime now I have two. The baby currently takes about 45 minutes to feed to sleep, and she gets extremely cranky if this is delayed. I don’t know how to brush my eldest’s teeth, wipe his bum and change his clothes while feeding her. All I can think of is leaving him alone to watch TV for up to an hour while I get her to sleep. But he often gets upset if he’s left alone too long and wants a hug/water/snacks. Like you I’d also like tips on doing it alone!

@Handsoffstrikesagain thank you - that is what I keep telling myself, millions of others do two or more alone. It will just be much more tiring.

The baby is nearly one and my eldest is four. My husband does a huge bedtime routine with him, reading books, looking at stars, making up a story for him each night. I feed the baby to sleep in her room. I suppose I need to stop feeding to sleep and get them in more of a routine together if I’m on my own.

Yes I was in your situation when DC1 was born, in terms of DH working away a lot and no family close by.

However, there was never any doubt in either of our minds as to whether we would have a second - we definitely wanted another one, and we wanted them close in age.

I won’t lie - a baby and a toddler is Hard Work for the first few years. And probably the fact that it was definitely what we wanted never had me regretting it, not for a moment.

But they’re tweens now, and it’s a breeze! They get on, they’re much more independent, and having two has totally come into its own. They occupy themselves, as there’s always a friend on stand-by.

Wouldn’t change a thing, as I knew I wouldn’t want to (I’ve the same age gap with my DB as my DS and DD do).

@Handsoffstrikesagain the baby goes to nursery 3 full days a week, she’s absolutely pooped when she gets home as she only often only sleeps about half an hour there (she’s not much of a daytime napper). So I tend to get her to bed about 5.45-6 those days. My eldest goes up to bed around 6.45. His bedtime routine takes about 30-45 mins, depending how cooperative he’s being. I do think it could be cut down a bit, but they both love it and he does seem to be benefiting from his dad’s attention - this is the only 1-2-1 time he regularly gets. But you are probably right that it will cause trouble if it’s taken away from him. Anyway I don’t want to take over the OP’s thread - thank you for your advice 😊

I feel like it’s easier to have more than one in the long run, as they are company for each other and (hopefully) get on and play together. Although the bickering does drive me demented by now! But the early stage of having a baby and toddler is undeniably tough. You figure out what works as you go along and as the baby is at different stages in terms of naps etc. and before you know it the ‘baby’ is a toddler and on vaguely the same schedule as your older child. My DD’s best friend is an only child and it is a lot for her parents to keep her entertained and happy. Of course that is just one child I know not a sweeping judgment of all only children. But she always says how much she wishes she had a sibling.

Thank you @debradoyourecall, please don't worry about overtaking post, this is really interesting and relevant too! It's all those practicalities that need to be considered! Currently it takes me 2.5 hrs to feed baby to sleep so that would definitely need to change! I've really got used to having DH around this year and do wonder how I'd cope on my own with 2. Wishing you all the very best next year, I'm sure you'll find a routine that works best for you, really like the tips from @Handsoffstrikesagain, I'm taking notes! @MerchantOfVenom @Himawarigirl thank you, that's so reassuring to know and perhaps if I keep that in mind it will get me through those challenging early years! Lots to ponder xx

It's MUCH harder!

We have two, DD is 3 and DS is 10 months.

From our perspective, neither myself or DH get any downtime at all anymore. We literally don't have time to ourselves at the moment which is really hard.

We either seem to be working, with the children or doing housework.....

Thanks @Sunshinemum12, and hope next year goes well for you and your family too, whatever you decide :)

I think a lot depends on the personality of the dc.
I was knocked sideways when dc1 was born / was little, but dc2 fitted right in. Others say that dc2 was harder than dc1.

I also think you expand the tasks to fit the time you have available sometimes. The fact that two of you have been around most of the year means you've had that luxury. I remember my friend who had triplets was so efficient with every thing she did with her 3 little ones - she could pop all 3 in their high chairs, feed them, clean up and let them out in less time than friends could feed one child. She said that she didn't have the luxury of choice. It was what it was, and much of the time she was alone with 3 babies (then toddlers etc) so she had to get on with it.

If you have two little ones, then you just get on with it.
You also have to think about the fact that it might be hard for a couple of years, it means they will have each other for the next 90. This isn't just about 12 months or 24 months.