Having another baby when existing children are teens?

[LouJ85]

Hi all. This is my first post - please be kind

I have DD13 from previous relationship and have been with DP for almost 5 years now. He has DSS13 and DSD11. We both had our kids in our early 20s and are now mid 30s and wanting a child of our own. Neither of our previous children were planned and we both went through the experience of separating from the other parent when the kids were young. I always say to DP that I'd love to know what it feels like to have a baby and raise that baby together with someone rather than co parenting separately. He wasn't overly keen on us having our own at first but after about 3 years of on/off discussions, we're now at a point where he wants to have our own and even at times looks almost excited about it. Another aspect to me wanting this for so long is my panic at the thought of having an adult daughter in 4 years time at the mere age of 39! I don't feel ready for that - I feel I should still be mummy to little ones too!

My question is ... have any of you done similar and had another little one when your existing child / children were in their teens? Pros and cons? Would you recommend? The first pro I can think of is that my DD is ridiculously excited about it (as 13/14 year old girls are) and has already offered her babysitting services . She'd be an excellent help and great big sister, so I feel the age gap in that respect might actually be an advantage?

Any thoughts welcomed

@passthemustard I just realised you were the first to comment on my post and said you were expecting your fifth! I couldn't keep up with all the comments and lost yours - my apologies! I love the idea of a big family but I guess it just never worked out that way for me as it took me until my 30s to find the man I want to create that with! 😢
I work with someone who has 6 children - she's 53 and her eldest is in his 30s and youngest is 3!

My sister was in her early teens when I had ds1.

She was thrilled and it gave her the excuse to do things ‘for ds1’ that she otherwise couldn’t have (but secretly enjoyed anyway).

She was more than eager to take him round massive outdoor playgrounds and big soft play places for instance - at 15 she was technically far too old for them but having to go on with a 2 year old gave her a great reason to take part with no shame 😂

She also used to come with us to local farms/petting zoos and similar kiddy events - again not something you’d typically take a 15 or 16 year old but she used to enjoy as much as ds1 and was thankful to have a ‘reason’ to go.

I kind of have the same as I have a 12,10 and 3 year old. There are so many things that ds1 is obviously far too cool for but he goes under the guise of looking after ds3 more than happily! It actually makes me feel sad for ds3 that when he’s a teen we won’t have the same reasons to do things like this and he’s likely to grow up a lot sooner as a result.

Do not worry! It was a popular post.

53 with a 3yr old! Wow. See - so much time! Mind you I'll be 46 with a 3yr old

I did spend about 12 months putting off getting pregnant. I agreed to start trying last October but only got my coil taken out in March! Then fell straight away the next month.

Do let us know when you get that BFP 😂

I am your age and have just had my first - I think you need to be realistic about your own physical capabilities.....Similarly the one thing other women my age who have had babies naturally have had in common is peak fitness / diet.

At 35?! You don’t need “peak fitness” to get pregnant or care for a baby at 35. It’s the norm to be fertile at 35. Less so at 40, maybe.

Jeez! I agree @ArriettyJones. I’m 33 and far from over the hill! 😂

Honestly the way that post is written you’d swear the op was 60!

I had a late baby in my 40's when DD was 13. Quite honestly it was a nightmare. She really resented him, he was a difficult baby and our lives were massively disrupted for a very long time. To top of off my "very excited" now ex husband decided that he wasn't that excited after all and left for an OW. It was fabulous . I'm sorry to sound negative but it's a perspective. As it happens, DS is now 9 (and autistic) and DD is nearly 22. They have a lovely close bond and she's a great sister.

IKR? I feel old just reading that.

Sorry that was to @InterestingIris

A little perspective from the kid's end, my brother is 12 years younger than me.

I was responsible for him a lot, which I didn't like at first but my mum had some MH struggle when he was younger so it is what it is. We soon became best friends.

It was a shock at first when she said that I would have another brother, and it was upsetting to me that I wouldn't be "the Youngest" any more, but that was just a silly kid worry.

I will say, in regards to your DD, hmmm, how to put this. People thought I was his mum. A lot. I used to take him to the playground a lot and out for walks on my own and I would get some mutters and some horrid looks. I've always felt some faint sense of solidarity with teen mums because people thought I was one. And they treated me terribly!
When my brother was 5 he even noticed it himself. He said "Did you see how that lady glared at us? It's because she thinks you're my mum".

Overall, though it's a little strange at first to have a big age gap, I wouldn't trade my brother for the world.

No personal experience but DH has siblings much younger than himself. He loves them and hasn't anything negative to say about the situation. They are technically half siblings but he doesn't see it that way.
You are still young (in my opinion), your dp is on board, in a good financial position so I'd say go for it.

My husband has a 17 and 14 yr old and we have a 2 ye old and one on the way. The older ones love their little brother.. they weren't bothered when I was pregnant or when he was really small and it worried me but now he's walking and talking they love him! None of them raised a eyebrow when we told them we were having another but I expect it'll be the same and they take an interest when he's older.. ours are all boys though.. girls would be different.
My sister is 13 years younger than me.. I was so excited to have a baby sister and we've always been really close.

Having a baby so you can raise this 1 with dad at home 🤦🏻‍♀️ God no! U do realise he may well do one and leave you holding the baby too

@passthemustard - I will let you know don't worry! 😬 I'm the same - I delayed coming off the pill for months as I was terrified! I've finally done it now though - as of next week I could theoretically fall pregnant any time. Eeek!

@ArriettyJones @InterestingIris
🤣🤣 I know!! I mean I'm not quite retiring just yet!

@Hormonecrazyhell I suppose I'm just choosing not to see it like that. Does anyone really know for sure when they marry or have a baby with someone that they'll stay blissfully happy together forever? No, they just trust / hope that it will be that way. And if it isn't? Then I raise my little one by myself the same way I did (and continue to do) with my DD.

Dh is the eldest and there is 15 and 18 years between him and his youngest siblings - and a big gap between them and the next eldest also. They are all adults now and get on very well. I'd say it was fairlly full-on for MIL for a while with 2 very small ones and several teens but she certainly doesn't regret it. From the point of view of the older children I would say:

Pros: They loved having babies and toddlers around in their teen years. They loved playing with them etc. And their college friends loved going to their house because the little ones were so cute. As adults the age difference doesn't seem so big - we all get on, spouses too so it works fine.

Cons: They got stuck with a lot more responsibility than most teens their age - don't think it bothered them that much though. The biggest con in my view is they did sometimes act as extra parents and that wasn't fair on the younger ones (I started dating dh when the younger once were very young). So every time someone said something like "don't stand on the chair" there would be what seemed like a chorus of "get off that chair"/"get down"/"for god's sake what are you doing". Dh was pretty good about not weighing in on everything but it was a pain and I would feel sorry for them. To this day my MIL will say the younger two are especially fond of me because I never tried to boss them around or tell them what to do.

I think you are very young and no reason not to have a baby - it will be lovely for everyone - but I think I would make it clear to the older children that they are siblings who help out - not extra parents.