Having another baby when existing children are teens?

[LouJ85]

Hi all. This is my first post - please be kind

I have DD13 from previous relationship and have been with DP for almost 5 years now. He has DSS13 and DSD11. We both had our kids in our early 20s and are now mid 30s and wanting a child of our own. Neither of our previous children were planned and we both went through the experience of separating from the other parent when the kids were young. I always say to DP that I'd love to know what it feels like to have a baby and raise that baby together with someone rather than co parenting separately. He wasn't overly keen on us having our own at first but after about 3 years of on/off discussions, we're now at a point where he wants to have our own and even at times looks almost excited about it. Another aspect to me wanting this for so long is my panic at the thought of having an adult daughter in 4 years time at the mere age of 39! I don't feel ready for that - I feel I should still be mummy to little ones too!

My question is ... have any of you done similar and had another little one when your existing child / children were in their teens? Pros and cons? Would you recommend? The first pro I can think of is that my DD is ridiculously excited about it (as 13/14 year old girls are) and has already offered her babysitting services . She'd be an excellent help and great big sister, so I feel the age gap in that respect might actually be an advantage?

Any thoughts welcomed

@Aquamarine1029
I am completely financially independent - always have been. I completed 3 university degrees after my DD was born and now have a very well paid job and am in fact the bread winner in our home. So if for whatever it reason i ended up a single mum again, I'd be ok at least financially speaking. But of course I'd hope I wouldn't end up alone!

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow
Funnily enough, no one else read into my post what you did! But I'll just wish you well and step out of this argument as i posted this for views from those who've been there in terms of the age gap and "doing it all over again" when your kids are closer to adults than kids. That's what I'm looking for views on. Not to debate a silly phrase and be criticised based on others' misconceptions.

@BubbleBoop - that's exactly how I feel! A mixture of terrified to go back to the start of the parenting journey and ridiculously excited at the same time!! I literally change my mind back and forth every day

@LouJ85 I loved starting again with a new baby, it never really occurred to me to be scared. But everyone is different.

It sounds to me like you've got your ducks in a row tbh.

My parents had 3 of us in their late teens/early 20’s and then another 2 children when we were 17, 15 and 13.

To be honest it has been really nice the whole time.
When we were younger, we were very excited to have the babies and toddlers around and enjoyed playing with them and looking after them occasionally. All of our friends were also very keen to come round so it kind of bumped up our popularity

As we got older and started going to Uni or leaving home and having our own children they were great fun to have around and help out with babysitting or just coming to stay over for a weekend.

Now they are both in their early 20’s themselves and I think the older 3 of us all have a soft spot for them and enjoy bunging them the odd £20 for petrol etc.

Having them around while I was in my teens was also a great time to learn that babies weren’t all just cuteness and fun and also meant that when I knew I was ready to have my own children, I had held, bathed, changed and dressed a baby plenty of times so it wasn’t so alien.

Nothing but a positive experience from the teenagers point of view.

I have 4 DC, there's 12 years between my youngest and oldest.
It was incredibly difficult at times dealing with a hormonal teenager and a newborn/toddler.
Don't underestimate how much emotional support some teenagers can need. It might be that your DD sails through her teenage years, my second DC is 16 and incredibly laid back but this was not the case for my eldest.

Forgot to say they are also now both very cool Uncles and Aunties to my DC and those of my older siblings children. When my older sister comes to visit we have a cup of tea and a chat, when my younger brother comes over he plays nerf wars with my DC

@Malteserdiet Thank you - what a lovely balanced view which also captures the teen's point of view. I also had younger half brothers when I was a teen and I remember the novelty of (shock - that phrase again) - "playing mum" to them. I loved it! And I think I must have internalised some of those skills for when I had my own daughter only 8 years later. And I still feel very protective over my younger siblings now even though they're in their early 20s.

My oldest was 13 when our youngest was born (with three more children in between). The two older children were like a pair of nannies - one would change her and the other would get her off to sleep. Now my baby is 18 and talks to the three siblings who are not at home most weeks. They are closer than I ever hoped they would be now that they are adults and they choose to spend time together.

My DSD is seventeen now and DS is one. She's having a ball with him, and he adores her - if she goes on sleepovers we have all kinds of moping and dramatics every time he notices she's gone until she gets back.

Husband raised her pretty much alone and he is really enjoying having the chance to do it again with a both of us and some financial stability.

@CrowCat - I love that you had no doubts and just went with it. I so wish I could do that but I often think and overthink huge life decisions to the point I annoy myself and then do nothing for fear of the unknown! It's silly really. When I imagine being 45 in 10 years time and looking back, I just know there'd be an element of "what if" and regret if I didn't get to do the mummy thing just one more time. That's what's driving me tbh - it's my heart saying you're not done yet! I think part of me worries that it will change the dynamic with DP in a bad way, if that makes sense. We're used to always having some form of child free time, like when my DD is sleeping out at friends houses and his kids are with their mum. I know that would be gone, and we've never experienced that before. But I have faith we're a good team and could navigate the challenges... just scares me a bit!

@Notso - that does sound challenging! Are your younger 3 close in age? I do think I'd struggle with anymore than just 1 DC under the age of 5 - I feel that the age gap is helpful in that respect as DD needs me of course but in a totally different way. She understands for example the concept of needing to wait for an hour or so to have a chat with mum if I was busy with a little one, as opposed to a younger child who'd struggle with the waiting part and would need different things I suppose that couldn't necessarily wait.. But yes I hear what you're saying, the combination of teen and newborn might still present other challenges!

@LouJ85 I change my mind back and forth every day too. I think for me it’s mainly that I now have an element of freedom in my life because DS can look after himself so I can do a lot of what I want. With a young child they are tethered to you unless you have a raft of family and close friends to babysit. It’d be a huge change. But on the flip side I love dp so much that I have a hugely strong urge to have a baby with him. So confusing!

@BubbleBoop I totally get this! DD is so independent (scarily so for an almost 14 year old!) and I have a lot of freedom. I know this would change beyond recognition. But same as you, I want a baby with the man I love. So hard isn't it!

Different side, my dad and his wife had a baby when I was 15 and it pretty much destroyed our relationship. I’m now 26 and he’s just had another one and I’ve gone completely no contact. He was a pretty shitty dad though, but it was very much him “starting again” which a PP had said like that’s supposed to be a good thing.

We have a 10 year gap between 2 and 3

There are a million joys from having a little one and I am sure it has made my teen boys more caring and empathetic. I adore my 3 year old and would not wish her away.

Yet, there is this alternative, tantalising life that is just out of reach where my kids are almost grown and I can sleep in, read novels, and do whatever I want. Lockdown has been hard.

Others will tell you to worry about days out. My teens don't want days out anyway. For holidays, we give them more independence and they love it. They adore her and would not change anything.

@LouJ85 gosh there’s a lot of negatives on this thread!!

You are still young and could definitely have another baby with your DP. You’ve got plenty of time in fact. I know this because I’m 42 😂

I’m a bit concerned about going back to the beginning as in sleepless nights, weaning and the terrible twos. I’ve enjoyed relative freedom this last few years with my now 8 year old being more self sufficient but I love my partner and he doesn’t have any of his own (married for 20 years But his wife didn’t want any) I know he’ll be an excellent dad and I’m looking forward to being a little (well quite big!) family. I can even see us giving this little one a sibling.

Life is for living, will it be hard - probably, will it be worth it - definitely.

@StarScream22 that sounds tough for you. When I said starting all over again I'm referring to being mummy to a little one. I take it as a given that this will naturally include older teen siblings being very much a part of the picture (this includes my own daughter and DP's children). It must be awful when it's about "replacing" the older children though. I can't imagine in a million years ever replacing my DD and DP feels the same about his kids - we will be very much extending our family instead of replacing.

My children now are 20,16,9 and 8. I was 18 when I got pregnant with the oldest and 30 with the youngest. I had much more energy with my first two, they always say I'm much less strict with the younger two but I'm not sure I agree!

I understand what you mean on that older children understand to wait you deal with younger ones. Teenagers aren't always rational though and there were times with DD when she was upset and needed me and I had to choose between her and a hungry baby or a tantrumming toddler. I know she felt second best at times no matter how hard I tried to make time for her.
Other times it felt we had no time together, we would be up at the crack of dawn with the little ones then waiting up until late o'clock to pick the bigger ones up from gigs, parties etc 😴

Things are really good now, they all get on pretty well and it's been lovely to have them all together in lockdown. The age gaps have meant we pretty much gave up on family days out and holidays for a while so we've all got really good at entertaining ourselves and each other at home which is lovely.

@passthemustard - I read a number of other threads before posting so I honestly expected some judgement and negativity on here!

Wow your story definitely fills me with hope. Are you currently pregnant?

Just earlier this evening my DD came into my room all excited as she does saying "mum let's do a Tik Tok" (bane of my life currently but part of the mum to a teen daughter duties! 🤣). Then she started talking about how fun it would be to include her not yet conceived brother or sister in the Tik Toks. I had the most wonderful image in my mind of the two of them. And I think that was decision made

@LouJ85 yes currently 12 weeks! Lockdown baby!! 😂

TikTok! Omg don't get me started. 😂 my DP is just as bad though, he's always sending me TikToks and he's 45!

I love having a busy house. Good luck 😍

@passthemustard Oh wow congratulations! Hope the pregnancy is going well. 😊 That's another thing that scares me - I've forgotten what it's like to be pregnant since it was almost 14 years ago. I remember horrendous acid reflux towards the latter months and sciatica but otherwise I think I got off lightly with few symptoms! It'd be just my luck in my 30s I'd be sick as a dog or something but... need to try and think positive!! 🤣

I've literally forgotten everything about pregnancy 😂 my last one was nearly 9 years ago.

I've got screening this week which I'm nervous about (being in a high risk age group) I was 33/34 last pregnancy and 23 with my first so this definitely feels different but I've been very fortunate with minimal sickness.

Our bodies were made for this though. 😂

@Notso - yes the doing things together as a family thing does make me wonder how we'll satisfy all ages! DP has been going on about taking the little one to Disneyland as it's something he never got to do with his kids - he was getting all excited saying we can take them all. I had to remind him by the time our baby was old enough to appreciate a holiday like that, our other kids will be roughly 14, 17 & 18 (depending on how long it takes us to conceive). I'm not sure the elder 2 would be up for that?! But who knows. Maybe we can find things that work for us all

@passthemustard Is this a screening that us "older mums" (I hate that phrase!) have to have as routine? I wonder if I'd be classed as high risk at 35/36? My sister had my nephew 2 weeks after her 35th birthday so they told her she had just narrowly missed the high risk category and didn't need to monitor her etc. I hate feeling old at 35!!

Yes true - we are apparently designed to produce babies. 🤣