Having another baby when existing children are teens?

[LouJ85]

Hi all. This is my first post - please be kind

I have DD13 from previous relationship and have been with DP for almost 5 years now. He has DSS13 and DSD11. We both had our kids in our early 20s and are now mid 30s and wanting a child of our own. Neither of our previous children were planned and we both went through the experience of separating from the other parent when the kids were young. I always say to DP that I'd love to know what it feels like to have a baby and raise that baby together with someone rather than co parenting separately. He wasn't overly keen on us having our own at first but after about 3 years of on/off discussions, we're now at a point where he wants to have our own and even at times looks almost excited about it. Another aspect to me wanting this for so long is my panic at the thought of having an adult daughter in 4 years time at the mere age of 39! I don't feel ready for that - I feel I should still be mummy to little ones too!

My question is ... have any of you done similar and had another little one when your existing child / children were in their teens? Pros and cons? Would you recommend? The first pro I can think of is that my DD is ridiculously excited about it (as 13/14 year old girls are) and has already offered her babysitting services . She'd be an excellent help and great big sister, so I feel the age gap in that respect might actually be an advantage?

Any thoughts welcomed

Currently pregnant with number 5. My eldest DD will be 19 when this one is born and I have 2 other teenagers and an 8 year old.

I'll let you know how it is in about 6 months 😩

I'm not sure having a child with someone who gets 'almost excited' would be good enough tbh. Are you sure about this op?

DP is just not really one to show his emotions, about anything really. He says he'll be very different when I'm actually pregnant and of course when the little one arrives. He didn't have the best experience with his 2 kids - his ex made things very difficult and he was also in the military so rarely saw them. He feels he missed out on a lot of the earlier years and "firsts" and wants to have the experience again where he's more hands on. I think these are the factors preventing him from appearing too excited when it's just a hypothetical plan at this stage. But I do know what you mean. I just worry it might change our relationship for the worse. We could potentially have a lot of freedom back in our 40s with 3 adult kids... Am I crazy ?!

@passthemustard - Wow good luck! I always wanted a big family and somehow have only had DD13. I adore my DD more than anything and couldn't ever imagine my life without her, but i just think because it was never the plan to have a baby at 21 and raise her by myself, I feel in my 30s is where I want to do it again but as a proper family unit, if that makes any sense? And I feel having DD at the age she is now would be a real advantage - she's a very mature 13 and extremely excited at the prospect of having a baby brother or sister

I'm in your situation and have 13 and 14 year old dds and a 1 year old son if I'm honest it's as if he has 3 mums they are amazing with him and love him to bits the only thing is to make time to leave your baby with grandma or someone else and spend quality time with your older children with no baby we have regular appointments at hair and nail salon and after baby goes to bed we have girl time they get on reasonably well with my dh and it's important for him to spend grown up time with them also. For us it us amazing to raise a child as a couple as I was very young single mum with my girls I'm only 30 now x

@Tiffany67 Aww that was so lovely to read. That's exactly how I picture it - he'll pretty much have a 2nd little mum. She has younger siblings at her Dad's house - 6 and 2 - and apparently she's fantastic with them. I think I just need to go for it and stop overthinking!

Just realised I said "he" as though I have any idea what the gender of my not yet conceived child will be! 🤣

Do you have room for all the children in your house, or will you have to make some of them share once the baby arrives?

@ineedaholidaynow Yes we have room in our house

My mum had all her children 10 years apart. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I.
I loved being much older as I could be much more involved. It worked for her.
Personally we won't be having another until our first is settled at school. He's starting in September so will be a few years yet.

I am your age and have just had my first - I think you need to be realistic about your own physical capabilities. I had fertility issues and so kept myself really physically fit over the last 10 years or so to keep on top of IVF. Similarly the one thing other women my age who have had babies naturally have had in common is peak fitness / diet. It’s the only way you will be able to cope with a teenager in your 50s. Suggest if you have let your health slide to focus on that first.

I have 18 years between my two...

Watching with interest as I have a 15 year old from a relationship in my teens, so I am only 33. Been with my dp for a couple of years, we’re newly living together - he has no dc and would love to be dad. I’m a mixture of excitement over doing it all over again, and scared of going back to the ‘start’

@LouJ85 @Tiffany67

he'll pretty much have a 2nd little mum

if I'm honest it's as if he has 3 mums

I'm sorry, but this is completely unacceptable. Your daughters are children, they are young teens, it is wildly inappropriate for you to be putting any parenting duties on them at all. They didn't choose to get pregnant, and they have a right to live their adolescence without picking up your responsibilities. This sort of thing is incredibly damaging, and surprise surprise, doesn't really happen to boys. You need to nip this sort of thinking in the bud. These are your babies, you are the parents. Don't go putting than on your daughters and then talking about it like it's a good thing.

Oh get a grip. As long as it doesn't interfere with school work, it does no harm for older siblings to help (yes help, not solely be responsible for) younger siblings.

I did it for my 9 years younger sister.

My DD 14 helps cook and clean in the home, and before lockdown had a very part time job in a family cafe to earn pocket money. Last year she used to get the train on school holidays to stay with and help my elderly grandmother. Had a great time, has skills. She decided to be vegetarian, I work, so to save cooking separate meals, she gives me a shopping list of Quorn, ingredients etc and makes her own meals. Still does extremely well at schoolwork.

It does them good to gradually be introduced to responsibility.

@woodpidgeons i completely agree with you, but OP and PP didn't say "help out here and there" they said their daughters were like extra mums. Which is completely different and absolutely inappropriate, imo.

Had DD2 when DD1 was 16 and DS was 13. Absolutely great dynamic, they have been very hands on since she was born. They're all very close. She's 9 now and they moved out last year, which means she has two fab siblings to go stay with for late night films and sneaky takeaways 😂

Honestly I'd go for it, it's been a fantastic experience for all of us and now my DS has a baby of his own he's already a dab hand at changing nappies!

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow
Woah. I don't think at any point I said I expect my daughter to be my baby's live in full time nanny?! I said it would be lovely for a teenage girl who is excited about helping out with a little brother or sister to do so, if her own choosing and volition. I was one of 7 growing up, at aged 12 my dad and step mum has the first of my half brothers. I changed his nappy, fed him, played with him... I loved it! And then when I wanted to stop "playing mummy" and go and be a teen girl with my mates, I handed my little brother back to my step mum and said see ya later I'm off. And that was fine and it worked for everyone. And that's what I'm referring to. There is a WORLD of difference between an expectation that your teenage child will be a stand in parent, and a willingness and excitement on the child's part to be in that role.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow
Also - as I mentioned previously I have almost single handedly raised my DD for much of her life, with limited input from her dad and little family support. And I did this at aged 21. Please don't suggest I'm not responsible or moral enough to bring a child into the world and then care for him or her myself without expecting anything from anyone. Because I have essentially done just that for the past 13 and half years.

@LouJ85 you literally said he'd pretty much have a second mum. Not that his sister could help out, but that she'd be a second mum. Those were your words, hence my response.

What about your financial position? Unless you are completely financially independent and solely own your home, I would want to be married first. You could find yourself a single mum with no financial support and no protection.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow
Yes - I used that phrase because that is the phrase my own daughter herself has used in excitement! Shock horror - she actually wants to be in that role! I actually find that phrase endearing. You've made a judgement about my values and perception of my own responsibilities as a parent based on that one phrase. Which I don't appreciate.

@CrowCat - that sounds fab

@GrumpyHoonMain - Yes I do worry about TTC at 35 onwards, but I know it's do able, just probably much harder than at 20/21! However the positive is that I'm actually far fitter and healthier now than I was at that age - I started running and using the gym in my late 20s so I'm hoping if anything I've gained in that area! But who knows... I'm under no illusion that TTC at my age will be harder

@LouJ85 funnily enough, as i don't know you, what you post online is all i have to go on!