Coming to terms with not having another

[lucieloos]

Anybody really, desperately really want a 3rd, 4th etc but for whatever reason not able to? How do you come to terms with it? Does it get easier?

I don't know myself, but I have seen a lot of times people say they really wanted another at the time but in hindsight when their kid/s are older they are really glad they stuck at 1 or 2 for whatever reason it was. I know this is an incredibly hard area though, not sure how I'll manage it either.

I come from a large family but could only have two.
We had a group of dc's friends over together last week and I was grateful that we only had two by the time they left.
I can also appreciate the increased time and money we can put into our pair.
They will miss out on being part of a large family but they also gain a lot.
(Still a bit sad I only got to pick 2 names)

Yes this is kind of the way I feel. I'm so torn as I really want to be pregnant again and have a newborn again and I always liked the idea of 3 children but on the other hand sometimes when we are out with other friends with two I think how would we manage with another as well and think 2 is quite a nice number, one each for us to supervise. Also I worry that with another newborn I would be so tied up in looking after that one that I would miss out on a lot of things with the others like bedtime would probably fall to dh and if they wake in the night and aren't feeling well etc as I breastfeed so it's not something he could help with there.

It doesn't help that if we did have a third my other two would be around 3.5 and 2 but due to my age it really is now or never. I had thought we wouldn't have anymore but there is the option to try again although of course no guarantee it would work. I'm just so torn between 2 or 3??

Not myself but my very close friend desperately wanted a 5th child even though hubby didn't want another and her family were incredibly nasty because they were on benefits and I don't think either of them had any intention of finding a job.
Anyway I sat down with her and we wrote out the pros and cons for having another including the financial side and although she really was desperate to have another child seeing it all in black and white helped her gain some perspective, this may help you. All the best

@lucieloos Did you reach a decision in the end?

@Goostacean no not really! Need to talk to dh and make a decision soon.

3 in 4 years sounds like hell!

@Verily1 lol yes won't be easy!

I have 2 boys, I always wanted 3. My first thought after having DS2, was please god don't let this be my last baby.... hormones!

Anyway, DH only wanted 2 and we both have full time careers with no options of part time (overseas).

I asked him to let me come to terms with it in my own time. I didn't want to have any more babies after 38, and I didn't want to have too big of an age gap between the 2nd and 3rd.

Now here I am, with and 8 & 5 year old and I'm so glad we didn't have another. My boys are best friends, they love each other, and we can give them one on one time.

And the biggest thing for me is that I no longer feel like there's anyone missing.

It takes time I think. Some people never get over that yearning for another and I'm very glad that my feelings went away because they're agony. The eternal broodiness takes over everything else. But whilst my heart remains a little wistful for a newborn baby placed in my arms, the head knows the reality and it's not for me.

In fact, I'm pretty sure if I had a scare now (I'm 40), my immediate thought would be "fuck!!"

What did you decide @lucieloos?

My DC2 is 6 and I still fantasize about having a 3rd and I am now 42! I have good phases where I am fine with it and bad phases where I obsess about it. I do slightly regret not having just gone for it but there was always a reason or to, mostly worrying I wouldn't cope or would neglect the two I have. But also DH wasn't keen which was the deciding factor.

I mc my last much wanted pregnancy and GP said age was against me from being successful.. Very hard to take. Youngest was just under 3. Made myself embrace every second with him even more..
He is nearly 6 now and a great dc!!
We got a dpuppy recently - been a great distraction!!

I have three and I'd love a fourth. Fortunately, DH and I knew this would happen so he had the snip after ds3 was born! It draws a line under things, so to speak, because I think my desire for another would be endless and pays no regard for practical concerns. But, having three has been awesome - so much fun and I'd highly recommend it if you are still in two minds.

@Windyatthebeach I need a dog!

@FourTeaFallOut I think I would have found it easier if DH had had a vasectomy. He was unkeen on that too It's been very difficult actively preventing a pregnancy I would ideally like to happen!

I had my first two at 31 & 33 .. really thought that was it as we took 5 years and low sperm motility to get DC1... so never bothered with contraception.. low and behold, 7 years after No1 we had No3... I am so lucky . They adore each other and get so much 'backup' from different perspectives... DD1 now 25, DS 22 and DD2 18.

We just found out we are pregnant with number 3 a complete accident as I have a coil. I'm terrified as I'm heading on to 40 and were happy with the 2 we have

I've got two, my youngest is 5. I'm turning 40 this summer and although am glad in a way to leave the toddler years behind, I think I'll always have the 'what if' thoughts.

I think 3 would push me over the edge. I love my 2 kids but am an introvert and find the incessent talking hard! I think 3 might turn me into a very cranky, impatient parent.

Still, if there was an accident, we'd adjust, but for now I'll be happy with my 2.

I think it is more about wanting the pregnancy experience/newborn again for a lot of women, rather than actually wanting to raise another child. I think it is natural to miss the 'high' that birth and the early newborn days give you, but imagine when they get to toddler age and beyond - would you just want another after that?

Not for me, if I could skip right by the pregnancy and the first two years, so much the better. Job share, anyone?

@MaraScottie I know what you mean about the incessant talking, it makes my brain hurt! Love the cuddles though.

I have four but would love another. Can’t afford it though, so we’ll stick here.
It’s purely a financial decision, I love children at every stage so far.

Hi there, op here..@Emmapeeler1 we decided we would love to have a third but I'm 40 and dh has low sperm morphology so I doubt it will ever happen which was part of the reason for this post but we've just started trying anyway but I don't expect anything to come of it so just need to find a way to focus on something else I guess but I think I'll always feel someone is missing.

@Wolfgirrl this is 100% it for me. Pregnancy wasn't kind to me at all but I wish I could bottle that emotional feeling of a baby kicking away inside you. Giving birth to my second was the greatest experience of my life, and for me the newborn stage is amazing. It makes me sad to think I won't get that again, but do I want it all for the price of raising a third toddler and beyond... I'm not so sure 😂

Best of luck @lucieloos! Glad you have made a decision to go for it and see what happens.

I have two but one has very severe special needs which would make having a baby v difficult. I feel so bad for my other dc but just can't have another even though I wish I could.

I have 4 under 5 soon to be 5 im absolutely done financial is the main impact