Please help. Should we have 3rd baby?

[Fatheroffun]

Hi. I am new to this but feel its the only place I can go to get an answer without being judged.

I am currently a father of 2 kids. DS aged 3 and DD aged 1. We have always said we wanted 3 children and started to try a few months ago.

Since then my wife and I talked it over and decided we were comfortable with the 2 and wouldnt pursue the 3rd. This is largely because we had kids early (one of each) and decided to devote all our time to them. However, last week we were shocked to find out she is 5weeks pregnant.

My wife is an absolutley dedicated mother and has done so much for our 2 kids - a lot single handedly due to my working patterns and hours. She has sacrificed her career and social life. She doesnt want a third and would prefer to terminate. To add she had a strict and basic upbringing and just as we are out of the baby phase and can spend more time together, go on holidays and enjoy our family, this has happened. HOWEVER she has said that she will have the 3rd if I absolutley want it. But i dont want her to resent me for it when things get tough.

I have always wanted 3, but dont want to burden her with all of the chores and work that go with raising the 3rd when she is not fully open to it. I am also quite religious and anti abortion which makes this so much harder for me. I dont know how i will cope going forward knowing I supported a decision to terminate.

I have tried talking to her, but she just says that 2 is all we need.

Financially we will be fine with three. But its the stories we have heard about the constant crying, sleep depravation, splitting of attention/ resource and struggle to educate three kids that has probably put my wife off.

We dont have any other kids in the wider family/ friends circle. Our kids would be happy with another playmate - but im unsure if they would like the split of attention they currently enjoy. We really want them to be bright and able to do whatever it is they aspire to - but again are confised about the time and effort it takes to educate and support children in leraning/ activities as they grow older.

The families we know of 3 always have at least one kid (usially the youngest) who has just drifted through and not done anything with their lives. Why is this the case? Whereas those of two we know seem to have done better and been more focussed.

Can anyone please help give me reasons to/ not to have the 3rd? And advice on how to cope with the termination as a father. I am so confused right now and have limited time before a decision needs to be finalised.

PLEASE HELP.

I can't help with coping with 3 but really sounds like you want this baby and would regret termination. I can't speak from experience but feel like the sleep deprivation etc is only short lived and in the long run you'd have a beautiful family of 5 which you have always wanted. It's not like it's an accident as you were trying? Good luck whatever you decide, it will be the best decision for your family.

She doesnt want a third and would prefer to terminate

That is your answer. Why are you asking anyone else? She has made her decision and that is all there is to it.

I agree with NotI. It is your DW who would have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, all whilst running after the older 2.

My DH really wants a 3rd and I have thought long and hard about it because I really love him and want to please him. But in the end I've had to say no because I'm the one who would suffer, and I don't want a 3rd (well, not enough).

Don't pressurise her, say you will support whatever she decides to do and mean it. Don't let her think you will resent her, otherwise you will be clouding her decision.

You've only just found out and it's very very early. I would take the time to think about it. As you say, your wife has had to make many sacrifices and maybe it is this pregnancy which is bringing that all into sharp relief - perhaps she was subconsciously thinking you wouldn't manage to conceive a 3rd time or not so quickly? You shouldn't try to talk your wife into keeping it as yes she will resent you if it's not what she wants. I would let her go to a family planning place to talk through her options and receive some counseling. Give her the space to think through what she wants.

If you stick to 2

-you'll have more money
-can watch your existing children grow up and then concentrate more on your relationship without starting the whole baby phase over again.
-you can put everything into the two you already have.

If you terminate

-you may regret it.
-you may always think what if.
-you'll have another little bundle of joy to add to your family.

I really don't know the answer, but I understand both yours and your wife's point of view.

We have 3 daughters, our 3rd was a complete shock and completely unplanned.
We went for the ultrasound and found out I was 15 1/2 weeks, so felt we couldn't terminate as she was already well on her way to be fully formed and morally it wasn't right for us.

She was born and was very ill as a newborn, we loved her immediately and any of the stress of a newborn didn't matter, because we loved her.
She completed our family and we wouldn't be without her.
However a year ago i discovered I was pregnant again. I had a coil in at the time so again it was a massive shock.
I couldn't go through with it, finances were pushed, time, stress everything was incompatible with a new baby.
We wanted to concentrate on our existing children, our relationship and moving on to the next phase in our family life.
So I had a termination.
I'm not happy about what I felt I had to do, but our youngest has special needs and it would have completely set us back and put us at square one.
I'm comfortable with the decision I made and we've moved forward and made progress.
Had I had not terminated, I'd have a baby now and have to start all over again, I wouldn't be able to work or put the care in that my youngest daughter needs.

You still have time to come to a decision, and if she decides to book an appointment for a termination, she'll receive counselling to help make the right one.

Thank you for all your messages. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. This is really hard.

Deep down i know my wife doesnt want a third. Its just harder for me because i am more religious and will always think what if..

Every time i look at my kids faces i keep thinking that i am depriving them of a sibling. Someone to play with. Someone to confide in. Someone to share their lives with.

This is such a disaster. The worst dilemma I have had in my pretty straight forward life so far.

It's not your dilemma. Neither is it your decision. You need to realise that and fast.

I understand that. But its difficult to live with the decision that i have knowingly supported this and not spoken to my wife about how i feel and the possibility of us sharing more responsibility etc this time around to make it easier on her.

I think we could handle 3 if we worked out a better system of sharing chores and looking after them. I also think the kids would be more fulfilled with 2 siblings each as apposed to one.

Does anyone have experience of how going from 2 to 3 changed things for the kids?

Not your decision, and you should fully support your wife whatever she decides.

Siblings often don't get on, and for each DC there is less parental attention.

You could adjust how you share the earning/parenting/domestics whatever your wife decides about the pregnancy. Sounds out of kilter at present.

I'm not sure why you're worried about depriving the kids. They already have each other.

We have two young dc, 3 and 5, and it's absolutely the right number for us. It's not about the money. We couldn't give enough time and attention to another child.

If your wife has made up her mind you have to work on accepting it. And if you're anti abortion you must be more careful with contraception in future - maybe have a vasectomy.

You both decided you wanted a third, started trying and then changed your minds so it's not like it's a shock pregnancy, it was planned!

With that in mind I'm not sure a termination is the right decision.

I'm really surprised by people saying it's not his decision because his wife has asked him for his opinion and even if she hadn't, he's entitled to one. In our family the number of children we have was absolutely a decision we came to together and if I got accidentally pregnant now it's another decision we would make together.

Op, if you do decide you want the baby and your wife agrees, can you step back your work so you are around more and can shoulder the burden of the early years?

We have three and it is hard work, but it's also amazing and the relationships the children have with each other are one of the biggest sources of joy that I have.

I think you need to talk this through with your wife and see if you can offer her the support she would need.

I think you're being a little harsh, NotI.
Of course it's his dilemma! It's not his final decision but you make it sound as though he should accept her decision and move on without a second thought which is ridiculous considering he is the baby's father.

His wife absolutely has the right to choose. It is absolutely her decision whether to carry this baby or to terminate but it's unreasonable to expect the OP to be emotionally detached and to expect him not to tell her how he feels. It's also unreasonable to demand that he never resents it.

If the op's wife does not want to have this baby then she should terminate. However, the OP is allowed to voice his opinions-not to exert pressure but to let her know how he feels. He is also allowed to feel sad about the fact that the child won't be born. A child he really wants. This is not a theoretical question on whether to have another. His wife is already pregnant. As I said, absolutely her choice to to expect him not to feel anything or say anything is ridiculous.

The OP's wife will know full well what OP's views are. Perhaps what she really wants to know is whether, should she terminate the pregnancy, he will support her.

Perhaps she does. But marriage is based on honesty and trust so it's ok for him to say he supports her and understands that it's ultimately her decision to make but that he disagrees with it and therefore cannot support the actual decision. Nor can he be sure how it will affect their marriage. (He doesn't need to say this to her at this time but not should he need to promise that it won't)

And just to be clear; I am wholeheartedly pro-choice but that doesn't mean we can pretend that those choices won't have any affect on those around us. Partners have no right to prevent us making that choice but of course we cannot demand they never think it speak if it again.

Thank you again. For all your input.

My wife has booked an assessmenr this week in advance of a surgical termination. I will discuss my views with her but dont think it will change the overall.decision/ outcome.

Hopefully we can support each other through this hard time and work it through.

Will keep you all posted on what we end up doing. Thank you again for your insight and advice - it has been extremely useful in helping me come to terms with what is happening and see some light at the end of this.

Drop the religious aspect. Not. Helpful.

Abortions are tough enough as pregnancy hormones stay around for a while and can cause unwanted emotions. The religious part of your objection will not help your wife.

However, having said that, I think that you would like to have a third but recognise that it is her body and her lifestyle that is more affected is definitely something you should communicate to her.

We have three children and the sibling relationships are a massive source of joy and learning (but also in the daily rub a massive source of irritation as bickering is plentiful!). When we visit our families (dh and I had one sibling each) I always imagine how much more fun it would be with another sibling and am hopefully for my children and our future family gatherings.

However I always wanted three for this very reason and had to work hard to persuade my dh to go for it!

I find that it is all less intense with three, chaos rules and the kids seem happier with less focus and regulation. We do have to work very hard to get one on one time in though as that is hard to fit in (and vital for kids imho).

I wish you both well however it turns out. I have been in this position, and went to my appointment to terminate, and then could not do it. You can support her, tell her how you feel, but that it's her body and so her decision. Hopefully you will be able to support each other as you come to terms with this.

My third is now three, and my husband is only here 50% of the time, it's really really tough, she did not sleep through until last November, but she has brought so much joy.

You also need to consider what the impact would be on the family were your next child to have additional needs. You'd cope, because that's what people have to do - but there would certainly be an impact on your two existing children in this scenario.

One on one time is one the aspects my wife has concerns with. She thinks it will be impossible with 3 kids under 4. I respect that - but dont know how marginally or majorly it will impact us.

Right now we have 2 kids screaming for attention. With 3 does it amplify? Or does it decrease as they become more understanding and aware they have to share and comprimise? Is it right for them to compromise? They are kids after all.

Schools these days are not great. How do you teach and educate three kids? Do they learn better together or individually?

Im willing to do the graft - whatever it is. But i think having 2 in quick succession has been tough on her and she can only see the potential downside, which is fair given the amount she has taken on over this period. Our relationship has been strained over the last year with DD not sleeping and eating right and my wife bearing the brunt of it. Maybe this is the opportunity she needs to finally have a break and rest up.

Just so many questions. Im so confused. I think this will all just happen and then hit me later on. Just hope i can live with the decision.

Having 3 children is harder then having 2 or 4 or 6 apparently.

I found going from 2 to 3 very hard.
Siblings don't always get along, and to be honest mine fight and bicker most of the time, which is common with a lot of children.

I wouldn't underestimate just how hard having a 3 rd will be, just make sure you're well prepared for it.

I'm not being harsh, I'm being realistic. It isn;t his decision to make, and his wife has ALREADY DECIDED. This canvassing of opinion about whether they should have a 3rd is pointless, she has already decided that she isn't having it.
End of story. His feelings about it are his own affair, but the decision is not his, and is already made anyway.