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Original poster

3rd boy - response from grandparents?

39 replies

ilovewinterpansies · 18/03/2017 20:16

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my DS3. My first two boys are 4 and 2.

Always thought I wanted one of each but can genuinely say I love having all boys and am delighted to be adding another. I'm sure I would have been happy with a girl too - either way I'm just grateful to be having another healthy child.

Just told my in laws and their response has pissed me off so much. I knew they'd be negative but even so - to get a "oh no another one" from my FIL and a "a daughter is good to talk to when you're older" from my MIL, along with almost disgusted faces is quite hurtful. It's their grandchild after all. I feel so protective of my unborn child and for this to be met with such obvious disappointment is horrible.

Please can someone tell me I'm being oversensitive and hormonal. I'm so cross. The irony is that they have 2 daughters and a son (my husband) and if I had daughters like my sisters in law I would want to throw myself off a cliff.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dozer · 18/03/2017 20:18

at the comment about your SILs!

Dozer · 18/03/2017 20:18

Very rude indeed of your in laws.

Original poster

ilovewinterpansies · 18/03/2017 21:59

Thanks Dozer. Not just me who thinks it's damn rude then!! So difficult to say something suitably rude in response as I was taken about but I will do next time. What a horrible response to news about your grandchild!!

OP posts:

Ding3kids · 19/03/2017 04:31

I've got 2 boys and just gave birth to a girl, it was a complete surprise as i was convinced it'll be another boy.
I'd be fuming if my kids grandparents said that to my face

ellesbellesxxx · 19/03/2017 04:34

How unbelievable.. you would think they would also be grateful to have a healthy grand baby on the way.. huge congratulations on a third beautiful boy on the way!!!

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 05:24

I got this from everyone - my DF was even disappointed.

It's fucking heartbreaking this baby did not ask to be born and had no control over the fact that he happens to have two older brothers. Yet somehow he is a disappointment?

I'm sure they will all love him once he is born but still

ButterflyFree · 19/03/2017 05:46

I'm in a similar situation so I completely feel your pain OP. I'm 21 weeks with my first baby and MIL had been pressuring for it to be a girl ever since we told her we are expecting.

From 12 weeks to 20 weeks, baby had its legs crossed at all scans so we couldn't see what it was. My MIL even went to 2 different palm readers who both told her it's a girl, and she started getting carried away and overexcited. She also duped us into visiting one of her 'friends' with her, who then whipped out an ultrasound machine in her own home to try and determine the sex! I was relieved that baby was still being shy and she couldn't confirm either way. Instinctively I just had a feeling that baby is a boy.

At our scan 2 days ago it was confirmed that baby is a boy, and both DH and I are over the moon. We had a 4D unexpectedly and I can already see baby's facial features are just like his father. My family are thrilled, but when DH told his mum on the phone all she said was "Hmmmm... we will pray harder for a girl next time." And changed the subject!

I'm so upset, like you I feel incredibly protective of my little one and can't stand the thought that anyone would be 'disappointed' by him, simply because biology made him a 'he'! I'm sure everyone will be happy once he arrives but I still feel it's so unfair to have this kind of reaction at all. I don't even think it's being overly hormonal for us to be upset by this - it's completely natural. Bless you and your little boys.

fatowl · 19/03/2017 05:55

I have three girls
MY PIL were disappointed when dd3 was born and actually said 'well that's the end of the family name' (dh is the last one with the family name, all his cousins are girls and he has one sister)
Wankers
The irony is my DDs are now 23, 18 and 15 and are pretty feminist and independent and unlikely to change their names if they get married anyway. FIL probably wouldnt approve of that either (except he passed away in 2008 so we'll be spared that lecture)

theothersideoftheworld · 19/03/2017 06:01

I think I would say to them that if they are so disappointed then there will be no need for them to visit.
I've got 2 boys and if I were to have another baby I would want another boy but I certainly wouldn't be disappointed if it was a girl.
Congratulations on your boy!

wineusuallyhelps · 19/03/2017 06:12

People (not PIL) made similar comments/hints to me. It was hurtful at the time so I understand how you feel.

There is this notion from some people that you need at least one of each sex, otherwise your family isn't as good?! As if I'd somehow failed by having three boys and boxes hadn't been ticked

If I had a pound every time someone asked, "oh dear, were you trying for a girl?", or "are you going to try again now?"...!

Congratulations and try to shrug it off. Having three the same is a lot easier in some ways!

LostQueen · 19/03/2017 06:14

I think its bizarre, exactly what do they want you to do? It's not exactly a "this isn't what we ordered, can I have an exhange/refund" type of situation.

Congrats on your baby, he is wanted by you and that's really all that matters

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 19/03/2017 06:17

I got this just for getting pregnant a third time. Still hurts a bit 8yrs later but I try to put it down to early pre clinical dementia. It hasn't been mentioned again and ds seems to be accepted as 'that little boy grandchild' which considering I am often her mother or my sister or a thieving distant relative I see as a small victory.

enjoy your little bundle and in my experience with a mixture, sex isn't the only (?main) factor in determining who they become. Ds was the only one who loved playing with dolls and didn't string them up on dodgy zip wires and traps he loves reading books and craft. With three boys they can all be who they want to be - they don't all need to be 'the son and heir' like your dh was possibly seen as. You can throw the gender stereotype book out of the window because the weight of expectations will fall on all of them. Had it been a girl she would have been the one expected to sit with Mummy and Granny while the others go off and do boys stuff. One of your older boys might prefer the opportunity to sit and chat with MIL while his sister got stuck up a cliff somewhere.

I fear that your in-laws probably have fixed ideas on gender roles generally, there is no reason why your DSs won't all grow up to be able to talk to you. She's probably partly thinking that because her daughters haven't fallen far from the tree are like her but your dh is nice quite different to the rest of the family. That's not to do with being male that is just lucky.

MadderRuse · 19/03/2017 06:33

They are ridiculous to think this way and rude and insensitive to express it to you. I have two boys and when I was discussing whether we would have a third child with my mum, and explaining our reasons for waiting, she said, "Yes, and it might just be another boy anyway", as though this were a reason for not even trying! I was but she seemed to think it was a completely normal thing to say. Enjoy the pregnancy and ignore your mad ILs

MollyHuaCha · 19/03/2017 06:55

If it's any consolation, many people get this with the 2nd pregnancy too! Put it down to 'stupid old people' syndrome and take no notice.
(Yes, I know there are plenty of stupid young people too )

Enjoy your plans and dreams for your lovely family.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 19/03/2017 06:59

I had this from certain family members when I was expecting boy number 3 - including my own mother! My reaction to their response means that they kept their gobs shut now that I am expecting boy number 4.

Windybobbin · 19/03/2017 07:05

The irony is that they have 2 daughters and a son (my husband) and if I had daughters like my sisters in law I would want to throw myself off a cliff.

I hate that these threads always resort to putting girls down in one way or another. It won't be long before someone trots out the tired: "boys may be more difficult at first but I wouldn't want to parent bitchy teenage girls."

It's sad and hypocritical to put one sex down just to elevate the other, just because that's what somebody did to you . It reads as if you are trying to convince yourself that you're happy. Just enjoy your children the way they are not the way you think their genitalia will effect them!

Original poster

ilovewinterpansies · 19/03/2017 07:10

Windybobbin I promise I'm not putting down having girls. It's totally down to personality. Like I said I'd be over the moon with a girl too. My comment about my SILs is down to them and my MIL thinking they are all that, and that DH isn't.

The truth is that it's all about how he's the black sheep of the family. Which is a good thing give the rest of them!!

OP posts:

Chottie · 19/03/2017 07:11

This is so sad.

OP congratulations on your new baby

Babies are a joy and gender is immaterial.

Marzipanmodelling · 19/03/2017 07:22

I can sympathise. I'm pregnant with dc3 and we haven't found out the sex but with 2ds I've been asked continuously if I've tried for a girl and if that's why I'm having a third child. It's not, I want a healthy third child boy or girl. My SIL told me I have to have a girl otherwise a third boy would feel left out as the others get on so well and that it's just weird to have all the same. She has one of each and can't understand anyone having three children! I was really upset but am insulating myself from negative comments as much as possible and am thinking if I have a boy then they won't want to come and maul my precious newborn will they and can just bugger off and leave us to it!

smilingsarahb · 19/03/2017 07:38

My MIL had to take herself to another room and have a sob, she was so upset to be getting another grandson. She loves him now but I was pissed off at the time.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 19/03/2017 07:45

I have boy, girl, boy, then when I told my mum I was pregnant with number four and it was a boy she said similar 'oh, not another one'. She has a fantastic relationship with all four of them so it made me quite cross at the time. I don't understand the need for a penis or no penis. Why does it matter as a mum/nan. It would only matter if you wanted to marry and find it did (or didn't whichever) have a penis. A child is a child and will love what it loves. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

mummydoc123 · 19/03/2017 07:50

People are weird about gender of babies. After i had my second and was different sex to my first seveal people said that I'd NOW be happy as I had one of each sex. Would have been happy with two of the same sex. Like i would have been less happy if my second child had been the opposite sex. Thankfully the people saying these things were not grand parents. Best wishes to you when the time comes to meet your little baby x

oklumberjack · 19/03/2017 13:57

I can only imagine how hurtful it is.

I have one of each. I didn't find out beforehand but when ds was born I got comments ranging from

"One of each! How clever of you!" (Clever??? 50/50 chance surely?)

"Oh what a shame. They won't be able to play together. Two the same is so nice to have them be close to each other"

When pg with ds, MIL continually 'ordered' a boy, saying that all girls were awful bitches (hello?? Looks sideways at her, me and my dd!)
It made me want a second girl just to spite her! Silly moo.

People are utterly mad about gender. Enjoy your gorgeous troop of boys. They'll be amazing x

Original poster

ilovewinterpansies · 19/03/2017 17:35

Thanks to everyone for their replies. It has all escalated (family lunch today, joy) and ended up with me in tears running out and DH telling them all what for. My FIL and SIL apologised but my MIL is so stubborn and wouldn't look at me. Even when I told her how upset I was she said "what? I never said I didn't want this grandchild. I just said I had four grandsons (2 from SIL) and it would be nice to have a granddaughter"

The fact that she can still say this to a crying pregnant woman carrying her 5th grandchild is literally beyond me. She's actually the stupidest person I've ever met. Can't reason with an idiot I suppose.

OP posts:

oklumberjack · 19/03/2017 20:00

That's so awful ilove. I'm so angry for you. I'm glad your DH stuck up for you. Your MIL does get that no-one can choose a gender? (Unless you've gone to very expensive clinic in the USA or the like!)

I really hope the madness calms down soon.

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