Help me, utterly overwhelmed by 4th child

[Undercooked]

I always knew baby number 4 would be hard as i have quite a spread of ages (9, 7, 3 and now baby). Also I hate pregnancy and my immune system is always v v weak for at least a year after each birth. However I have always loved the baby stage so I was looking forward to it.

I am not coping. I have never not coped before.

My eldest DC is in Y5 and studying for cello grade 4 and also 11+ exams. She needs lots of attention. I feel awful that I can't give her any.

The toddler resents the baby and is being really tantrummy.

DH works long hours and I ferry the older kids from club to club with the baby screaming in the car.

I get no sleep and feel physically ill a lot. Some mornings I wake up and cry at the thought of having to get up and be responsible for all these children while feeling so ill.

My two eldest are fantastic with the baby and I take advantage of that and let them look after her a lot which is wrong. I feel I have ruined their lives.

I am counting down the days until I go back to work but in the past I've loved maternity leave.

Did anyone else find the transition to four real hard? I though it would be really easy as I found two to three a doddle.

Tell me some good things about having four please! Right now I feel like it was the craziest decision ever.

Sorry to see you are ill in top of everything else. It obviously makes things a lot worse.

I have 4 with the same age gaps, now they are 12, almost 10, 6 & 3 (ignore the fact I am 35weeks pregnant)! I had very limited help post birth (no close family) and husband away a lot as he's in army. I didn't return to my job post number 4 but did have a cleaner for the 1st 3 months. If you can afford the help get it- outsourcing- it helps the economy too.

I have always 'worn' my babies instead of used buggies/prams think it helps a lot and then the baby gets all the cuddles it needs. I used a Moby in the early months which is not too expensive and easy to master.

It is tricky, it is exhausting but it gets better and mine all get along really well. Only last week the oldest was carting the baby (now toddler) on his back around being a human tank. They were in hysterics.
These early weeks are hard core, especially as you are still recovering post birth. Give yourself as much time to do that as you can. The zoo can wait for you, summer will be here soon and it will be easier then.

I found DS4 relatively easy but there was a huge knock on effect on my other kids. DS1 (12) and DS2 (8) don't get as much help with their schoolwork as they need. DS3 (3) watches more TV than I'm happy with. They all eat more McDonalds and other processed foods than is ideal. It has to be a compromise and balance between all your children's needs. It's tough to do but it will get easier as the baby gets older. Try not to have too high expectations of being able to do everything and concentrate on making all your children feel happy and loved. Your older ones will benefit from stepping up to help with the baby. It will give them more confidence with their own children, and you can reward their efforts and responsibility by recognising and acknowledging what they are doing.

Undercooked, you poor thing. I've got three dc, (18,13 and 7- wow, those age gaps look huge written down), and I became overwhelmed by my third. I thought that I would be able to carry on as normal when she came along but I just couldn't. I did get PND but had lots of symptoms that you don't mention, ( feeling disconnected, running on adrenalin, exhaustion to the point of wanting to run away from everything). It took me a few attempts but I found a great GP who was willing to help me.

If I were you, I would be getting the au pair ASAP. I understand your reluctance but another pair of hands will free yours up. Anything to give you some time to rest. My middle dd played up terribly when our youngest came along which contributed massively to feelings of guilt and the idea that I'd ruined everyone's life. An au pair would allow you to do things with your other dc. A blood test would be a good idea too just to rule anything out. A three month old is totally different from a two month old so hopefully things will improve for you soon.

Best of luck

What a great thread! I'm preg with my 4th. The others will be 2, 4 and 6 when this one arrives. I'm hoping for an easier transition as I agree with whoever said everyone has one transition which is really tough. I found 1-2 really hard.

The only thing I wanted to add was a comment about feeling guilty for not enjoying the baby. I completely recognise this feeling. For me it has been work which has voting the way of enjoying my babies. And then a bout of testicular cancer when number 3 was a few weeks old resulting in a terrible few early months.

Thing is, you'll NEVER have a first child again. You'll never feel that incredible newness of your first baby because you don't have the time or energy and the experience has already passed. You can't recreate it with the next baby. Each baby is its own new experience and they are all different.

What you will have is a lifetime of memories, chaos and fun, from a family you've created for reasons of your own. Surely that's why you had the 4th, not for the first few months of new babyness? Try and focus on that instead of feeling like you're missing out on something you can't recreate.

(I'll come and read my own advice in June when I've got a 2 week old and am spending 8 hours a day working!)

The baby slept through the night! DH gave her formula at 11pm and she didn't wake until 7am!! She normally wakes many times! It's a miracle and means I got 10 hours solid sleep. Plus I feel physically a lot better this morning and she is giving her first really winning smiles. The middle two have fevers now but in a way that's good as they are lying quietly on the sofa while I browse aupairoworld.

Suzie, I absolutely agree that you can never recreate the magic specialness of baby number one. Those hours of just sitting, cuddling and marvelling at this incredible thing you created. But of course there are many other great things about bigger families.

10 hours sleep - yay! Hope you get a few more unbroken sleeps, as it makes such a difference.

What a glorious sleep! Here's to a few more nights like that.

If I were you, I would try to find an answer as to why your health seems to plummet for about a year post-partum. I don't think that's a typical experience. The spirit breaking tiredness yes, unfortunately, but not illness in the way you describe.

And now we are in A&E :-(. The baby isn't breathing right. She has caught the fever from her siblings and her lungs are really sucking in with each breath. I have had to bring all four kids and the middle two are still feverish. I expect she caught this from them.

Please God give us a break.

Sorry to hear that Undercooked, hope baby is feeling much better soon (and the middle two).

Oh dear op, I am sorry...

Just remember, this too shall pass... ( I was in a&e for me yesterday, I got oven cleaner in my eye. Dh said it was a pretty dramatic move to try and get a couple of hours in my own).

Undercooked - really thinking you.

They think it's bronchilitis. She not doing badly but as she is so little they want to keep her in overnight just to keep monitoring her oxygen levels. I will stay with her. What a lovely place to recover from my own virus!

Oh poor things! Both of you. Hang in there. Just do what you need to.

Hang in there.

Omg- am in awe of all your managing. Hope there's plenty of for you there and even some when you're back.x

Thanks all.

This ward is actually not too loud and we have a room to ourselves at the moment. Baby holding her own with oxygen levels of about 94. She's feeding OK which was their main worry. I hope we can go home tomorrow.

Also a very kind husband of another mother took pity on me being here alone and surprised me with dinner from Marks and Spencer's simply food including cake He even refused payment in return. Some people are very kind.

My god it's no wonder you're feeling so low dealing with a baby, 3 other kids and constantly sick. It's clear you need to get to a doctor and I would defo get an au pair.

I also wanted to chime in on the guilt! We have 3 and youngest is now one but for a good while there between being really busy at work, then heavily pregnant, then post section with a baby that woke at least 5 times a night for 8 months (during which we also sold, bought & moved house), my kids were totally missing out on me. I felt massively guilty. We never got to the park or had play dates with their friends. Soooooooooooo much TV was watched I have tried to block it out! Homework for DS was very rushed and not properly attended to at all. My DD1 told me all I ever said was "in a minute"!

But here we are now, all settled in our new house with a toddler who sleeps, homework done properly, friends invited over, occasional(!) playground visits etc and all happy and healthy! You will get there, just keep swimming!

I have four children and between the eldest and the youngest there is a 15 year age gap. DS1 is 20 and DD2 is 5. I know she will be my last child and DS1 has fled the nest but DD1 and DS2 are still in the house.

For the record, my two boys are 20 and 13 and my girls are 17 and 5 so it's quite the age gap between them all. I think it was very hard for everyone when DD2 was born because they didn't quite know how to react. DH is always out working too and is only around for the good moments so it's been quite the one woman mission.

It's very hard to give all the kids the attention they need especially since youngest seems to crave it so I can completely sympathise with how overwhelmed you're feeling.

But, I have always wanted a large family and so love to have all my children around me. I have always felt guilty about deciding that because I have been afraid that I wouldn't be able to give all my children the attention and time they needed, like you I am often worried that I have failed my children in some way.

But I think it has been good for them in many more ways. When DD2 was first born she was doted on by the others and the same with DS2, when we do all spend time together after the tantrums and the arguments it's lovely.

But it doesn't stop me feeling anxious and tired because as you know, four kids are fking hard work. I have a slipped disc so it's hard for me to be as mobile as i'd like sometimes and with young kids you really need to be. Stay on top of your health OP, for yourself and your kids. Oh, and don't forget your support network. Good luck :)

I don't have much advice op I have 3 dc's 9,7,4 and 4th on way..

Dc3 was in hospital for over a week with bronchiolitis when she was 2 months it was so hard..

Did you say your mil lives too far away? Is there anyway she could come and stay for a couple of weeks?

You are surviving and that's amazing! You sound like a lovely person and a lovely mum. You have indeed enriched your children's lives as said up thread. I'm an only child and I still feel the 'void'.

Why did you need a transfusion? Are you taking a good multi vitamin? And a supplement? Metatone? It's really important you boost your immunity.. Big hugs! X