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Original poster

Help me, utterly overwhelmed by 4th child

70 replies

Undercooked · 26/03/2016 07:49

I always knew baby number 4 would be hard as i have quite a spread of ages (9, 7, 3 and now baby). Also I hate pregnancy and my immune system is always v v weak for at least a year after each birth. However I have always loved the baby stage so I was looking forward to it.

I am not coping. I have never not coped before.

My eldest DC is in Y5 and studying for cello grade 4 and also 11+ exams. She needs lots of attention. I feel awful that I can't give her any.

The toddler resents the baby and is being really tantrummy.

DH works long hours and I ferry the older kids from club to club with the baby screaming in the car.

I get no sleep and feel physically ill a lot. Some mornings I wake up and cry at the thought of having to get up and be responsible for all these children while feeling so ill.

My two eldest are fantastic with the baby and I take advantage of that and let them look after her a lot which is wrong. I feel I have ruined their lives.

I am counting down the days until I go back to work but in the past I've loved maternity leave.

Did anyone else find the transition to four real hard? I though it would be really easy as I found two to three a doddle.

Tell me some good things about having four please! Right now I feel like it was the craziest decision ever.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

2snugglets · 27/03/2016 10:06

It sounds like you have such a lovely family, two kind and caring older children a good dh and a gorgeous toddler and baby.
Take time to be thankful if you can for them all.
Put CBeebies on for toddler and get yourself a and snuggle your baby.

Artandco · 27/03/2016 10:25

A few things that might help:

get a good baby sling. Pop baby in when at home helping with homework, dinner, other kids stuff. That way you feel less guilty she is being put down, and she is likely to cry less if carried
get another au pair. You can swap over who does what so you spend time with older ones still. Just having them help 8am-9.30am, and 3-6pm daily will help with not having to get everyone in one place at once. Au pair can either do school run, or stay 30 mins with baby and toddler. Or can take eldest to activity one day, and again keep toddler occupied at home another even if you take baby with you. Just one less makes it easier. Someone who can watch toddler in bath whilst you feed baby, or make kids scrambled eggs for dinner whilst you take 30 mins out yourself
get your husband to help more. I know your breastfeeding but I would consider introducing one small bottle of formula now also. Means you can feed at 9pm, then go to sleep, and your Dh do the 11pm feed. So if baby wakes at 2am at least you have had 4-5 hours sleep or with him in charge.
Also ask him for more help in general. If he is home in the evening ask him to sort all kids stuff for school etc, batch make some food or similar.
do ask your children for help. Not making them do everything but getting them to tidy up after themselves more, or entertaining toddler 20 mins for you can be a great help and reduce the burden on you. In exchange they get you more relaxed and more free time to do fun things with them
if you have the spare money, get a cleaner. 2hrs a week means you don't have to do any deep cleaning, just daily basics

wallywobbles · 27/03/2016 10:29

Honestly with the 11+ if she doesn't get into the highest performing on her own merit she will suffer the whole way through.

I'm the youngest of 6. 9,7,3 when I was born. Then 2 steps added later on.

Completely ignored by my parents for all school activities. I never much minded it was more positive than negative. I did best of all my siblings at uni despite being not the brightest. I learnt organization a bit late.

But I also learnt to be fantastically independent and capable. And I love being part of a big family. DP and his 4 older siblings too. And they were 5 in 5 years.

Lightbulbon · 27/03/2016 10:48

Get another au pair ASAP!

PrimalLass · 27/03/2016 10:53

I had a tricky first baby and mix-feeding him was the only way I got through it. I would definitely move over to more bottles as then your older children can feed the baby.

And yes to an au pair.

wooflesgoestotown · 27/03/2016 10:54

I have 4 with similar age gaps, my youngest is now 16mo.

When he was 2mo I was still finding it very hard going.. I had a lot of moments in the first few months when I just thought what the hell have I done:-(

Buuuut as you know from your other dc, it does get easier, babies get easier as they get older, everyone adjusts, you get stronger, this is just a time to get through and try not to give yourself a hard time. You're doing your best and even if your other dc miss out on some things, they've gained a whole new sibling to love and bond and play with.

dizzytomato · 27/03/2016 11:23

Mine are 12, 10, 6 and 3.

I say get an au pair, give yourself a break.

My 4th was mix fed as well, no problem.

It does get easier I promise.

Sootica · 27/03/2016 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imip · 27/03/2016 12:20

When dc4 was born, I had a 5, 3 and 1 year old - what the fuck was I doing!

It was really tough going, I was back in hospital when dd as 10 days old as I was allergic to the cocktail of drugs I was on after my 4th section and I had an infection, wound had reopened. A couple of things that I did manage to do that helped were:
Not give a toss about the state of the house!
Cook easy dinners eg, chicken drumsticks and frozen veg
Finally got the knack of breast feeding in a sling - that was gold in the playground!
Write all 'important' things on a wall painted in blackboard paint (eg, swimming kits day, book bag,music etc - I still do this and they are 9, 7, 6 and 4).
Fit 'alone' time in with dd1. She was an early riser and we got a good half hour reading time in each morning when dd4 was having a breastfeed.

At the same time, dd2 was really beginning to show signs of autism. It was a long struggle to get her diagnosed, but this was the time that her behaviour was so challenging. She would never cuddle or hug me, I didn't know what was going on. Such difficult days, yet I still look back fondly!!! I'm nostalgic for their early days, especially as my youngest starts school in sept. It really goes in the blink of an eye!

There are lots of threads here about life hacks that may be useful. But looks after yourself. I've neglected myself and have ignored an ongoing health issue that really is affecting me massively. This is more in part due to the pushing I've had to do to get two dds with special needs diagnosed than the number of children, but I wished I had had time to pause for thought about my health.

Original poster

Undercooked · 27/03/2016 22:46

I am bowled over by all your kind advice on this thread. Thank you.

Today was good until I started running yet another fever. We had family over, we made a great lunch, the children were all really good and happy, the baby slept lots and cried little. I was just beginning to think it might all be ok when I started to shiver and shake and now I'm in bed with a 39 degree fever. DH has taken baby to the spare room and will feed her formula for her first feed tonight so I can rest but I am very sad as I am likely to be well enough to enjoy a nice day out that he and I planned with the kids tomorrow.

Following advice on this thread I'm going to order a sling tomorrow. We have an Ergo we used when others were older but I need something more newborn friendly. I am also going to introduce a regular formula feed that DH can give each night when she first wakes. Plus we are going to look for a new au pair to help with school and club runs and to allow me time alone with each child. DH also wants me to go to GP and look into antidepressants but I'm not sure about that right now.

OP posts:

Sootica · 27/03/2016 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pickofthepops · 28/03/2016 00:12

I understand your reluctance re a/d's. I was the same. But it was the best decision. I definitely had a skewed perception of things and was hard on myself. It's helped us as a family. Hope you feel better tomorrow - lots of grim bugs doing rounds.

Lettie12 · 28/03/2016 02:11

I just wanted to chime in that I am feeling very similarly with my third who is four months old. I have large-ish age gaps and I feel so overwhelmed by the different needs and being pulled in every direction. I wish I had advice but wanted you to know you're not alone. I often wonder what I have done! Love baby tremendously of course, but life is hard at the moment. I feel a lot of guilt that I'm missing out on things for the older ones and not being the mother they deserve. Sootica, if you don't mind me asking, how are things for you now and are you glad to have DC3 (obviously wouldn't send him/her back of course, but have family dynamics improved)? Our situations sound quite similar and I am honestly struggling. Thanks to all who have replied and given brilliant advice and encouragement.

ohforfoxsake · 28/03/2016 11:25

Could you have mastitis? Cabbage leaves absolutely work - though not for the fever obviously.

umiaisha · 28/03/2016 11:48

Please please don't be down on yourself. Some can't cope with the pressure of 1 child let alone 4! In some respects I think having 4 under 5 as opposed to your larger age span is harder as you have all the extra curricular stuff, homework and school runs to contend with.

I only have 3, but am a great believer in short cuts and making life easier. My oh works very long hours and so if I didn't I probably would have been on the edge. Order school dinners, make quick dinners/use the slow cooker/get take away, pay the older ones to help you and formula feed to give yourself a break!

Original poster

Undercooked · 28/03/2016 13:56

Having had a fever all night I am now throwing up. This is why I am struggling: I keep getting ill. This is my fifth fever or tummy bug in 8 weeks and each lasts a couple of days making it impossible to look after the kids.

I honestly don't think I'm depressed, I
just can't cope with being this weak :-(.

DH has taken all four kids to the zoo for the day. They keep sending my photos of the fun they are having. I haven't been able to do anything like that for two months yet DH can manage it without a second thought. That's all I want, the energy and health to do fun things with the kids.

OP posts:

imip · 28/03/2016 14:18

it's not mastitis???

After dd4 I ended up back in hospital with dd4 10 days later as I was vomiting(diarrhoea due to a cumulative reaction to the drugs antibiotics/wound infection, all the little bits combining into one big thing. I was ebf, so I was in hosp on a drip with th dd4. When I was released, dr was surprised to come in to discharge me in my side room while I was having an open door shower with the whole family watching and talking! It did take a really long time for me to feel normal...

Maybe going to the Drs just for your physical health concerns would be warranted? And let dh take them out as much as possible so you can spend the day recovering .

Original poster

Undercooked · 28/03/2016 15:40

DH back at work tomorrow and has used up all his paternity leave. So this is the last day of respite. I really need to fgo me an au pair as there is nothing body else who can step in.

I'm pretty sure it's not mastitis as my boobs don't hurt. It's like some odd post birth immune system response.

OP posts:

Original poster

Undercooked · 28/03/2016 15:41

Sorry, obviously I can't type at the moment!

OP posts:

PosieReturningParker · 28/03/2016 15:51

My fourth was a reflux baby but I never felt like you.
I think you should seek help from your GP xx

PosieReturningParker · 28/03/2016 15:53

Your bloods may be low... I was .1 away from a transfusion but I'm afraid even with a c section, reflux baby and no sleep I genuinely didn't find it hard.

I think you're starting from a low point, get yourself sorted X

Original poster

Undercooked · 28/03/2016 16:01

I had a transfusion after birth so I know I'm not anaemic.

OP posts:

doublechocchip · 28/03/2016 16:05

undercooked I don't blame you feeling like that I feel a little like it with 3 and it's how I knew I wouldn't go for fourth. I'm definitely a fan of short cuts here too, older kids have hot dinners at school so if we run out of time in evening with activities, homework etc I don't feel guilty giving them a sandwich/toastie type tea.

I'd say try and get the extra help you need before going down the anti depressant route.
You have 4 young children, 1 a toddler, I newborn and have been feeling ill I'd say the way you feel is totally justified.
Just keep replaying the mantra in your head 'this too shall pass'! I still do it now.

I would ask the GP about you feeling ill a lot though especially with fevers could you have an infection from the birth?

Hugs to you op life can be hard.

imip · 28/03/2016 16:11

Could it be a post-natal thyroid thing?? That be worth checking out. I've just discovered I have a thyroid problem. I suspect I've had it since dd4 - could be wrong. I'm not depressed, but I'd describe myself as having a low mood. Sorry, this was the thing I ignored on myself as fighting for dd2 to get her autism diagnosis took centre stage - worth considering?

outputgap · 28/03/2016 16:42

Good point imip, thyroid function is often knackered by pregnancy.

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