Unplanned pregnancies and resentment
Lou280 · 22/09/2015 22:13
Hi, I am just following up to my previous post about an unplanned third (older two 7 and close to 4). I got some really lovely and encouraging replies, and I frequently read over them when I'm feeling really down, so thank you if you responded to my other thread.
I'm 30 weeks now and still feeling very low and depressed. My biggest worry is about long term resentment of this child. I am so worried that I will look at him as a burden, will hate going through the motions of caring for a baby/toddler again, and will constantly think about how much easier and calmer everything would have been with just the older two. If you have had an unplanned baby, especially with larger age gaps, has this been a problem for you? I know that you grow to love the child and can't exactly say you regret them, but I'm so afraid I'll always regret the disruption of our life plans and family makeup. Does that make sense? I'm trying so hard to find the joy in this, but I am a worrier by nature and this antenatal depression has basically killed my spirit over the last 7+ months. I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and still having trouble accepting my situation.
I guess I'm just looking for some hope, and trying to believe that I'll feel joy again, and that I won't always feel like things are just not right. I worry so much about balancing the diverse needs of all my children in their different ages and stages. I feel no child should have to grow up feeling resented, and that is my biggest fear. Any words of wisdom? If you initially felt resentful of an unplanned pregnancy, did your feelings change, and were you eventually able to accept, and even find joy in your new family dynamic? I wish I could stop the negative thinking and anxiety. Just need some support.
JillBYeats · 22/09/2015 22:32
Hi Lou, our 3rd child was very much so wanted - by me anyway and seemingly by DH, however there was a 7 year age gap, the recession decimated our income and DH began to suffer from depression in the early months. Half way through the pregnancy he decided he wanted nothing to do with it. He had virtually no involvement from then on til the baby was a few months old. It was a really tough time and I struggled with my feelings towards the baby too. I felt that I had pushed so much hope into having this baby that I had ruined everything by having him. He and I didn't bond as I had with my previous children. I felt quite detached from him but also felt guilty for the parents he had and so was a dutiful mother, I just felt there was something missing. He never looked for me and ironically only wanted his father. He is now 7 and so precious to us. To me he is the baby that might not have been and therefore all the more precious for it - I enjoy every moment of him now as I know I will not have another, there were times when we wished we had not gotten pregnant but in hindsight this was to do with mainly financial circumstances. I don't know, if I could zoom back in time, if I would chose to have had him in the first place because it was such awful timing but I am so glad we do and we have survived it and we have him and he's adorable - the first two years were hard - though not as bad as I anticipated, I think there is always some joy to be found in the miracle and perfection of new life - and I say that as someone who is not especially maternal. I hope that you will be okay.
Lou280 · 26/09/2015 15:18
Thank you, Jill, for sharing your experience. It is comforting to hear that things worked out for you despite some trying times. I wish I could see into the future and know how things would work out for me, instead of just seeing my current situation which seems so bleak. Thank you for giving me a little hope.
Babbafish · 26/09/2015 15:59
We had a 3 year old and 1 year old when I fell pregnant with DD1. Our DS2 has lots of disabilities and spent most of his first year in hospital. Just as we thought the hell was over we found out I was pregnant!
As time went on we found DS2's disabilities were worse than we thought. DD has been godsend... Literally. She bridges the gap between the kids.... She had lit up our world and she shows love and compassion to disable brother.
When we discuss this issue we say "she wasn't invited to the party... But we are very glad she came!!"
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