Are we the only ones with useless grandparents?
workingonitagain · 16/05/2015 20:19
We have 3 ds and have 3 grandparents . Dp's mum&dad are divorced so they see them seperately. They are happy to come over but none of them actually makes any efforts to have fun with them. They are 1,3,5 and we are struggling with them too ( lots of physical fights). We are out a lot and they are doing lots of sports. I know it will eventually get easier but wanted to know if anyone is left to themselves when it comes to granparents or is perhaps because they are boys?
MoreBeta · 16/05/2015 20:29
My mother and father never bothered with our DCs ever. I don't speak to them anymore.
My DWs parents cared but didn't do much either.
I think we have been on one night out away from home without DCs in 15 years and we begged DWs parents to come and stay months ahead for that!
It will get better. Zero tolerance on fighting. Absolutely zero tolerance. Its the only way. We have two boys and extreme exercise is the solution.
Chickenandpenguin · 16/05/2015 21:03
We have two ds- 22mths and 3.5 years and another on the way. 2.5 sets of grandparents here and not one could care sadly. My parents say they love them Etc but we rarely see them (10 mins down the road) and they never have them. If they do visit they ignore the kids. Dhs parents even less interested. My dad and his partner even less than them. We're exhausted and would love a night out! They're too young for a random babysitter yet. Once they're older I plan on finding a good babysitter. I find t really upsetting and think on my parents side it's partly to do with us and our chn. My sis has 3 girls and my parents have them for full weekends/cover school hols etc
I was very bitter but am really trying to move past it. And plan on being a hands on grandparent should we get the chance.
workingonitagain · 16/05/2015 21:14
Chickenandpenguin i wonder sometimes that as boys they are just too physically exhausting even just to look at and just imagine that with girls they could just sit and colour and do a lot more calm stuff but then we are very lucky to know a lady who is about 70 and absolutely adores kids and every now and then she invites us and other friends to her house and creates the most simple yet so entertaining fun or them. Thats when i feel so sad that my dc don't have a really fun grandparent they would remember forever. Well it is their loss. I will definitely want to be the most fun granny out there one day
Chickenandpenguin · 16/05/2015 21:20
That's what makes me most sad I think, aside from how much we'd love some time off. I have a fantastic relationship with my mums parents as we practically lived with them when growing up. It saddens me that my boys will never have that with an older person. They are more energetic than my nieces and slightly younger too which makes things harder. I can't imagine that once they're older my parents will be jumping in to help. They're even moving closer to my sis no which is about 1.5 hours from us.
It's great you've found an adoptive grandmother though :)
Jenijena · 16/05/2015 21:21
Workingonit Sone of my best childhood memories are about 'aunty anne' who lived round the corner between the ages of 5 and 7, and spoiled us rotten, and played with us amazingly. She would have been in her seventies at the time and was the grandparent of dreams. Unfortunately neither set of my grandparents were particularly engaged (interestingly, however, my remaining grandparent is a better/ more hands on great grandad to DS than grandad to me, I think).
beepbeep · 16/05/2015 21:22
I had 3 under 3, struggled with PND and am now off work with PTSD, no help from either set. More sad for the children that one set really are not interested (but put on a big show when other people are around!!)
TheBitterBoy · 16/05/2015 21:24
Useless is a bit unfair. Do you not think, well they've done their parenting time and although it might be nice if they wanted to help you out, they are under no obligation. As you get older you will realise how much more tiring very small children are.
mrsdavidbowie · 16/05/2015 21:28
I will be a crap grandparent.
Chickenandpenguin · 16/05/2015 21:29
It's not su much about the childcare - though obviously that's what we've discussed here - but the lack of desire to engage with grandchildren on any level. It's surely not that tiring to engage with them whilst visiting? Or actually bothering to visit? I don't think anyone has said their parents are useless, just disinterested. Which is sad.
Chickenandpenguin · 16/05/2015 21:30
Ha sorry just clocked useless in the title.
workingonitagain · 16/05/2015 21:34
Thebitterboy it might sound a bit unfair but i still think they are. To me when i hear the word "grandparent" the first thing that comes into my head is fun. That is what i think grandparents should be about. I never mentioned that i wanted a rest from my kids or that they look after them. All we ever wanted was to see them engaging with their grandchildren and show interest towards them.
workingonitagain · 16/05/2015 21:37
Chickenandpenguin just cross posted and pretty much agreed
RandomMess · 16/05/2015 21:39
Yeah, I'm nearly estranged from my parents so they can't squash my dc spirits after the did a complete number on me. In laws lived up the road but were never interested in having a relationship with our dcs. My dds were all well behaved (which they admit) but well erm they're just not interested!
Hurts like hell, feels like a rejection but it's got much easier since we moved away...
Jynxed · 16/05/2015 21:41
My parents were never interested in my kids when they were small, and now that they are teenagers / young adults they seem surprised that my kids aren't interested in them. You respect what you sow.
Jynxed · 16/05/2015 21:42
You reap what you sow . . .
workingonitagain · 16/05/2015 21:43
TheBitterBoy sorry i don't mean to annoy you with this but when you said they did their parts as parents. They were pretty useless as parents too that's my dp's parents only tho
reddaisy · 16/05/2015 21:45
We only have two DC but ours are just not interested either. DP's parents are in their seventies and help a lot with his sister's children and they only live 40 mins from them and we are three hours away so they don't know ours as well and find them more tiring as they are younger. They will literally hide behind a broadsheet newspaper every time they visit (1-2 a year) and DP's mum once walked out half way through the little show the DC's had put on for them because she wanted to make a cup of tea - which she did and remained in the kitchen with it.
My DP's pretend to be interested by posting photos on Facebook every time they see them but do nothing to support us.
Chickenandpenguin · 16/05/2015 21:46
From what both our sets of parents have said jynxed, I think they're going to find that an unpleasant surprise too. It's rubbish really, but their loss ultimately. Well, that's what I think I should think. It's really our children's loss too isn't it :(
workingonitagain · 16/05/2015 21:48
I also think a lot of them have the right intentions in their heads and they do actually love their grandkids but just don't know how to have fun or when it comes to making an effort they realise that shit it is hard work and honestly i'm not that bothered and lose interest...
loveandsmiles · 21/05/2015 17:04
My DH is from abroad - parents no longer alive - rest of family keep in touch via phone but too far away to visit.
I am NC with my mum. She is ultimately interested in no one but herself.
Ultimately there is just DH and myself responsible for the 5DC with DC6 due in the summertime. It would be lovely to have a loving, fun grandparent around and to have someone to help out now and again but unfortunately we don't - I envy those that do though.
My mum will die a sad, lonely, bitter old lady - her loss.........
LiarsRcursedAndashamedForTheRe · 28/05/2018 16:22
Parents, if you choose to have children...it is solely on you. Your babies are your responsibility not the grandparents. Grandparents have done their job of raising you. It is not the grandparents job to take care of grandkids and it should not be expected of them to do so. Grandparents are retired for a reason, they have done their job and they deserve peace and quiet and to enjoy the rest of their old age comfortably and without tiresomeness. How dare anyone thunk that it's the grandparents obligation to either spend time or babysit or take care, or anything else for that matter. When parents start to think their babies are someone else's responsibility even if it's for one day with the excuse that you are tire and need a day out that the baby is too young for anyone else to babysit....then don't have kids! Your kids your sole responsibility regardless. Grow up! Dont be so selfish. Wether grandparents are healthy or not, it is never the grandparents' obligation nor responsibility to care for a young child or babies. Haven't you ever thought of how much trouble and a headache you were as a child to your parents??? To a point where you tired them out...so maybe it dramatized them and now in their grandparent years, their mental and physical just can't match the grandkids. Grandparents love their grandkids whether they see them or not. If you, as parents, want your kids to have close relationship with the grandparents, it is your responsibility to bring your kids to visit the grandparents not the grandparents go visit you. How dare you disrespect and think how grandparents should be and act or should cater after your responsibility. So the minute you feel exhausted you expect grandparents to take you kids so you can have a night out? Get a sitter. No? Your excuse...baby too young? You don't trust anyone, bla bla bla....heres my advice, dont have anymore children and learn to trust others. Before becoming a parent, grow up first, learn to be a responsible person, develope a trustworthy network of friends, build trust and stability within this group...this way you r in a circle of trust and friends whom have similiar ideology as you and you can take turns to babysit each other's kids....mommy circles of friends who are also mommies. Last but not least, when you are expected to care for your elder parents where you have to bathe them, wipe the ends and change their depends diapers and deal with their roller coaster days...will you do that for your aging parents whom you expect to cater after your kids????????? I didnt think so. Dont be selfish, grow up, handle your own responsibility, dont expect others to coming running when you are tired. All human beings get tire for one reason or another....an infant is no excuse ..it is your sole responsibility!
Mumof3cheeky · 29/05/2018 17:36
Again you might just be one of those posters who want to vent for one reason or another! Weather it be you fell out with your child or you are a grandparent but not much of what you are preeching about is in the original post. Nobody was talking about visiting and babysitting their grandchild. Purely engaging and wanting to be part of their grandchildren’s life and putting a smile on their faces. That’s all. Hope you have a better day tomorrow!
LiarsRcursedAndashamedForTheRe · 30/05/2018 04:26
You didn't graduate from high school, did you? There is something called Adult school to help you understand what you read and also, learn to look at the whole picture not just partial....meaning you need to read every post in order to know and understand and not jump to conclusions. Uneducated people like you always open your mouth and judge without knowledge or details...you only make assumptions based on your very little know how.
Mumof3cheeky · 30/05/2018 08:03
Oh no, not another miserable day for you, is it? I’m sorry about that. Must be the early mornings!
GrannyGarden · 30/05/2018 09:47
I do think that a lot of GPS don’t know how to play with GCs. I am a GP to a whole horde . My DH and I come from families where the GPS never played with our parents and our parents never played with us.
When our parents visited it never occurred to them to play with the Children. They were expected to sit quietly while the adults spoke. I love kids, so have always played with mine but my DH was much slower to realise that he needed to interact.
With the older ones he did not really engage with them until they were at primary age. Now we are on number 8 he is totally hands on. Taking them out on his own, changing nappies the full works. The eldest 4 are adults now and he spends as much time with them as with the younger ones.
I think you can tell the difference between GPs who are out of their depth and those that just don’t care. I think that the ‘don’t care’ ones should be avoided.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.