What's it like to be a child in a large family?

[Cloudminnow]

Has anyone been a DC within a large family? What's it like? Did it make you want to have lots of your own DCs or did it make you choose to have a smaller family?

Am 2nd of 4.
The constant lack of money was the over riding memory. And the shouting. Even though we all had our own bedroom, it wasn't comfortable or a nice place to grow up.
School was always about being x's sibling.
I have 3 dc but the finances are much better.

Gosh, this is makinv me rather depressed , having just had dc no 3&4 (twins).

So, not a huge family but enough of z challenge to provide attention to all of thdm. Seems to be the greatest issue here...

Still this thread can be useful in identifying what thd biggesg mistakes ard znc trying to address thdm.

I will be reading on with interest (snd hoping for more positivd stories).

Sorry I meant would notbe shaped by being a singleton.

I am the youngest of four, and my cousin (and best friend growing up) was the eldest of six. She always felt the lack of attention, whereas I felt I had too much attention (my siblings left home a long time before I did). We both love our siblings though, and it is nice to have a larger family network. I don't personally tend to think of families with four children as being particularly large, although I know it's relatively unusual now.

I have two children and my siblings have 3, 2 and 1 (plus step children) respectively. My cousins siblings are younger so although there are only two in the next generation there are probably more to come. When we were little my cousin and I planned very large families (I was going to have 11!), so we can't have thought it was that bad!

Eldest of five. Growing up was mostly fun, we played together a lot, but money was tight. Agree with poster who said 'only have as many as you can afford'. None of us ever got music lessons for instance. But I never felt that I wasn't getting enough attention from ma or pa.
As adults, we are still all very close and now that our parents are getting on, it's great to have each other's support in caring for them.
We've all stuck at one or two children ourselves though, mostly because we can't afford more.

I'm the eldest of 6 and the only girl.There were 4 of us in 4 years, it was fun and busy at times chaotic and noisy and my brothers fought like mad sometimes.
It made me very responsible I looked after all of them , i used to force them to play Schools great lesson in classroom management, I went on to become a teacher ( a special needs teacher, one of my brothers has downs syndrome)
A big negative which seems to have got worse as we getting older is how my brothers vie for my parents attention and approval. We are all in our 30s so this is getting rather old now.
I have 2 kids who I did have close together so they have each other without being responsible for each other.

I am the second generation of a huge family (although part of a small immediate one myself) and agree with a lot of the things slug says. Even though most of the first generation limited their children to 2, I still have LOTS of cousins, a large number of whom I wouldn't be able to put a name to if I met them in the street, although I would realise they looked familiar and were probably related. (which makes it extra embarrassing!)

With so many people, minor disagreements get elevated to feuds with dozens of people involved. From stories of what it was like as a child from the parent In question, it was a full-on "Lord of the Flies" situation. Parental discipline was either absent (as the parents weren't aware of the situation) or OTT ( as by the time the parents found out, the situation was out of control.

Most of the children didn't do anywhere near as well as they could have educationally, as there was no time for reading to the children or any type of parental help or support and of course no money at all for extra things to help.

And we could forget about a close relationship with our grandparents. With no time to give individual attention to their own kids, mine didn't even remember my name most of the time. We are very close to the GPs on the other side instead. I would never have a large family myself because of it.

I am number 7 of 7. My oldest sibling is 11 years older than me. My mum had the first 6 children in the space if 7 years, a 4.5 year gap and then me. I was born at the end if the 70's.

Overall my memories are very positive, lots if hustle and bustle. Always someone to talk to and learn about things from. My family were very well known in our area, someone would always say 'oh your x's sister!'.

You have immediate protection and back up if you are picked on. One if my sisters had a severe speech impediment and there was always someone to watch out for her.

But money was often tight (we'd go from having loads to having none due to my fathers type of job). I was never encouraged academically, even though I was very able and managed to get into the 'posh' school. University was never spoken about and I ended up doing this completely on my own. 3 other siblings went to uni in their 20's.

I don't really feel that I was ever played with by my mum. I would grab little moments when I could. I remember just lying next to her on her bed while she was reading a magazine (just to be close to her). She was obviously crazy busy most of the time with washing/cleaning/cooking.

Now we are all grown up it is lovely for us all to have each other. I am close to most if my siblings (there are 2 I dont regularly speak to - no problem between us though). One of my brothers and two of my sisters are very very close friends if mine.

I gave a good relationship with my mum.

I am pg with dc4 now. I will be stopping after this one

Its not about money. My folks were poorer when they started out but by the time numbers five and six arrived, were quite well off really. Its about time and love - we were 'poorer' off than small families in this respect.

I am the oldest of 5; me, three brothers and then my 'little' sister. On the whole my childhood was ok, chaotic, but ok. I did begin to feel a little 'pushed' aside by the time brother number 3 came along when I was 8, but at the same time, mum made me feel terribly important and grown up as I helped enormously with him when he was baby-toddler sort of age range.

We were forces children, and I went to boarding school at the age of 11/12, so was not so much around when my sister was born that school year. I was a crap teenager and suffered very much from 'woe is me' so I think that clouds my judgement during my teen years. I left home as soon as I had finished school and became very independent very quickly.

I married at 21, had three children in under three years, but as a pp said, motherhood was no shock at all as I'd helped out/done a fair bit of caring with my youngest two siblings. Many years later I have had a fourth, and actually would have loved another, but I am (imo) too old now really.

One brother has one, who is now 4 (Sil is one of 6), the next one has two and they won't have any more, brother number three and Sil are about to have their first, but I suspect that they won't have more than two. My sister is 30 this year and wants to have them soon - I think she, like me, will have at least 3 or 4. I do wonder whether my position in the family and that of my sister's has some bearing on the number of children - we can both definitely say that being first or last has been more positive than negative for each of us.

My experience related to being one of the oldest in a family of 12,slug said she was one of a family in double digits and there is a poster on this thread oneof14. I imagine our experience is very different to that of people with 4 or 5 siblings.

I wonder how much has to do with generational differences? Because parenting expectations are so different now compared to 30 yrs ago, and compared to 30-60 yrs before that... WELL. It's sad reading so much of this, but I don't know how much it's replicated now.

I identify with much said here, yet I only had 2 siblings, and they were 9 yrs older than me, so really, I should have been like an only child (?doted on?), but not a chance, because my parents' expectations of how they should parent was the over-riding factor, and so much of that had to do with how they were parented (they came from large families). Plus they worked full time, economically they had to, & they didn't expect to be that involved in my life & took a lot of time for themselves, too. Like most modern parents I made a conscious decision to be much more "there" for my kids.

I know one local family with 10+, my casual observations back up most of the negative stuff said here. :( But I wouldn't say same about other families (I know) with 5-7 kids.

I'm one of 4 - all born within 5 years so very small age gaps.

I basically brought myself up (I'm the oldest)

Was expected to be independent at a very young age. I was also expected to do things I didn't feel happy or comfortable about (eg. babysitting for my siblings when I was 11, walk myself to school age 5) and spent a lot of time feeling completely out of my depth.

I didn't get much attention or hugs.

It was very noisy, you don't get much privacy.

Your belongings are never your own - everything has to be shared. HATED this as a teenager.

Was very close to my sister who was 15 months younger than me, but there was a lot of (and still is) sibling rivalry.

I'm not particularly close to my siblings now - none of us even live the in same county!

I have one child (and would like one more). I wouldn't have a big family myself.
My sister has 3 children but with massive age gaps in between.

My other 2 siblings have no children (through choice).

I feel quite resentful of my parents for having more children than they could cope with especially with the very close age gaps, I do wonder WTF they were thinking

Well for the most part is incredibly depressing being as I am expecting my fifth baby. I have to say the problems people talk about here are not just related to being in a big family they are relate to bad parenting. I am an only child and can relate to a lot of the things mentioned here, clearly in my case it was not about numbers just poor parenting for whatever reason.

brandy Don't be depressed by this. A lot of it is to do with parenting.

I think being conscious that, whether you have 1 or 10, each child is an individual is key. Each child needs to be allowed to be themself and not prescribed a role or lumped in with everyone else.

In my case it was assumed we were all the same, like the same things, react the same to everything and it was incredibly frustrating particularly for the younger ones as myself and my oldest sibling were academic but some of the others weren't and they were never encouraged to develop skills of their own.

I think my parents were constantly fighting an uphill battle - they didn't have the time or the understanding to consider the future.

You can be a different kind of parent (and I have a feeling you already are )

We have 4 and I've found this thread really interesting. It's helpful to see the things I've already thought about as lack on 121 time with parents and lack of space being brought up. I hadn't thought about the noise level but will make more of an effort to control this. A lot of the noise comes from me and DH and we need to learn not to shout so much too.

Its about parenting style too. Some parents just really enjoy being parents and having fun with their kids. Some are just too focussed on the day to day and logistics of the whole thing that they lose focus of their kids.

My parents were good folk, but their parents was exccentric to say the least (for different reasons - mum was an only child, dad one of 5 boys). I make the extra effort to listen to DS, ask him what he is up to/how his day went/ what book he's reading, etc and mess about with him (something my parents never did). The very thought of my mum making up a song about farts or poos, or taking everyone off the the seaside 'just because', or making heart shaped pizzas on valentines day, or green pancakes for breakfast on St Patricks day...I make sure we have the time and money for him to go to. Clubs and classes - I never did, not because of money, but because of time. I was invited to joon the regional swimming squad but mum wouldn't let me as it was a drive away and no-one would be able to take me. E

They paid for me to go to uni, bought me whatever I needed but those are the things in life that don't last. However DH says that this has made me a patient, understanding and generous person - and a good mum (as I already knew what NOT to do!)

Actually, whilst I would hate to think anyone reading this saw it as depressing, I have to say blaming the issues on 'bad parenting' is incredibly unreasonable.

My parents were bloody brilliant. They loved us, cared about us and did their best.
The fact that they did not truly see that a child who was quiet, well behaved and seemingly happy may still need lots of one to one time with them is sad but hardly a terrible offense.
They would do it differently now I'm sure. They saw, with the benefit of hindsight that sometimes the child who shouted loudest got the attention but that they missed the 'quiet' problems.

Parenting eight children makes particular demands. Perhaps seeing this thread as a helpful signpost to potential problems rather than dismissing the negatives experienced as shit parenting would make it more productive.

I read all that I can about negative experiences of being the sibling of a child with severe disabilities in order to do that, avoid the possible pitfalls, not to just dismiss those parents as crap.

Things are different now parentwise - my parents were children in the war, so if you were alive and had enough to eat, you were lucky! They didn't have celebrity childcare experts in those days! My parents parents were not affectionate or particularly demonstrative - but their lives had been hard (and tragic - grandmas mum died in childbirth with her and she was brought up with stepsiblings and a stepmother who made snow white's one look like Mary Poppins!). Nowadays it is so different. Even my grandparemts used to say that we were indulged, spoiled etc. I did tell mum much later what I felt like (alone, lonely, ignored) and she did admit that as I was the 'sensible, self-contained one' I didn't need much looking after. I ended up looking after the sibling above me!

I have no doubt that our parents loved each one of us, but they didn't have the tools to show this - we never hugged or kissed, but all had extremely good relationships with our parents when we grew into adults, so they weren't exactly beating and abusing us as kids!

I would not swap being from a large family to being an only child.

My cousin is one of TEN. She has done the opposite and has only one.

My parents gave us what they could afford. We did not have all the fancy stuff that some kids had. I can give my own kids more than what I had. However I will not spoil my kids by buying them lots of material stuff.

I am only one of 3, but dh is the eldest of 7 and we have 5 dc.

On dh's behalf I identify with a lot on here.

He originally only wanted 2 dc...... he really didn't enjoy his childhood. it's interesting that a few of you have said your mums were not maternal. MIL certainly isn't.... actually i don't think she even likes children that much

anyway, he can't remember cuddles, kisses and says his mum has never told him she loves him when we had our dc it was almost like he had to learn to love them

money was tight and they ddin't have new clothes or much to eat sometimes.... took me ages to wean him off having bread with every meal

When we had more dc, he has always been adamant that we would not ask the elder ones to help look after them, or help around the house... he resented his younger siblings for having to do this, and feels this affected his relationship with them.

Also one or another of them were always kept home to help, and so none of them left home with much of an education, even though they are all fairly intelligent, and he has only really learned to spell since doing phonics with our littlies.

From our own perspective, we don't have much money, but we make an effort to spend one to one time with our dc, they all do some form of activity, football, dancing etc and i really think that all they suffer from is not having much space, but that is mainly due to us living in a tied house at the moment. I think that they have everything they need, and some of what they want, and think that it is healthy to have things to aspire to to make you want to work for things in life.

That being said, wanting things shouldn't be wanting more food, new shoes that fit, or a cuddle

I found it difficult.

Pros: I adore my siblings. Lots of people to love. People who understand our family dynamics.

Cons: lots I'm afraid. Dont want to be ungrateful but I won't be having a big family myself. Parents couldn't share themselves around enough. I was a babysitter from a very early age. Didn't get much attention or help with problems. Was left alone at a very early age. Never enough money for extra-curricular activities. My mother was always stressed and snappy.

I love my family but would never want the same upbringing for my dc.

Looking back it would have been nice to have grandparents around when I was growing up. My parents were not born in this country. I only ever met my grandmothers, great gran mother once when I was 21.

Its great having my mum and my father in law visiting us. Not local but in the uk.

It must have been tough for mum and dad to bring up 7 kids without much help from family.

I think my parents did the best they could so that we could have a better life than what they were able to have. Its interesting to hear from the children of large families, it would also be interesting to hear from the parents who have large families themselves.

What an interesting thread! I am an only child and so was my DS until a couple of years ago, when I moved in with my partner who has 4 kids.

I am constantly feeling that I am pulled in all directions and not one child gets proper attention from either myself or my DP when they are all around. A few snatched minutes in the car, running them to clubs etc. is the best they seem to get. Having had a really close and strong bond with my DS, I can really see a difference in the type of relationships you can have with the kids when there are lots of children.

I have (and still) really struggle with feeling as if my DS is pushed out because he has been used to me being available ALL the time.

It's nice to see him have siblings to play with and I am not having to be the playmate anymore, but if I'm honest, I don't think the positives outweigh the negatives. My DP is a high earner, yet I don't consider us to be wealthy and DC do have less than their friends. Holidays are horrendously expensive just to do something basic for example.

Interesting, my eldest DSD told me she wants a big family too, although I think she was just trying to frighten me into worrying about babysitting duty! And she also moans if she has to take her siblings along with her when she goes anywhere, so I'm not really convinced she likes the big family dynamic at all actually!