I did something Friday never thought I would need to do

[Trulywonderful]

As a British non religious Jew in the multi cultural city that is London I never thought I would have this conversation with my 11 year old son.

My son attends a very nice state school not a Jewish one. However as most the children that attended his primary know my family are Jewish latest events made me nervous. Not that those kids he has attended the primary school would be an issue but that they might innocently tell others he is Jewish. Potentially leading to at best him being questioned about his views on the conflict and at worse a physical assault.

So I had two options Friday morning. Keep him home when I was possibly overly worrying about kids in his nice school or have the one talk I never thought would happen.

So I decided to have the talk. Told him to make sure he didn't mention being Jewish at school from now on. That if anyone started asking to say no or walk away. In RS lessons don't mention it, even if the teacher is talking about Jews. I am gutted still I had to tell him this.

My father was very obviously Jewish and even if he hid it on occasion he still looked Egyptian or something. Therefore growing up I saw regular antisemitism and prejudice because of his middle eastern looks.

It is easy for myself and my children to blend in because we are fairer non religious. I thought a conversation like Fridays would never happen.

I am still very sad to have had the conversation I am sure many Jewish religious families or others abroad etc have all the time.

😯

@SurprisedWithAHorse I meant the other side of the situation where people's intentions are being wrongly misinterpreted. Similar thing happened during 9/11, Sikh men with turbans we're being attacked by people who thought they were the taliban. I didn't mean anything bad by what I said, maybe my turn of phrase wasn't correct. But maybe who knew what I meant and decided to deliberately ignore it. Who knows.

Why would anyone come on to a thread on the Jewish Mumsnetters section, about fear of rising antisemitism, purely to present a "flip side" in the form of a tale about a Jewish person displaying Islamophobia?

I mean, I know you were careful to add some stuff about how terrible it was that the poor Jewish lady was so frightened etc etc, but since nobody was going to be fooled by that even if you hadn't slipped up with "flip side" and "equally" in your mmm hmmm story, let's just cut to the chase. Why?

My great grandparents did exactly the same when they arrived here just over 120 years ago.

They were proven 'right' within their lifetimes.

It's sad that this will always happen. But it always does,

Teething pain until mumsnet put some restrictions in place. It will be a bit less once they do that and once the novelty of the new board and conflict is no longer in their social media. Give it time. Don't get put off by it. I am very robust and new the idiots would come out of the woodwork. However I wanted to tell people what I did and why. Plus hear from others in the same situation.

@SurprisedWithAHorse i see you didn't comment on the post above, just my one.

The reason why I posted it was it's sad that this situation so far away has seeped it's way here. That people like the op had to have a chat about hiding their identity with their son, that people are on high security alert and that people have to change their habits so their not misunderstood. That is why, I didn't mean any harm by it. I will leave this thread now as I don't want to derail it.

How you feeling about having to do that now?

I am sad I had too. Also feeling guilty because my children are not obviously Jewish or Muslim or Black, so they can hide their ethnicity in a way others cannot. I am also a bit angry at having to do it. Like I was when my father had to hide his Jewishness abroad in some countries or in situations here in the UK that were potentially dodgy.

Imagine that your brother started a thread on a board specifically for Asian-looking people about how frightened he was by the rising number of racist incidents against Asian-looking people and how he might hide his appearance.

I then blunder in and inform him that he needs to remember the "flip side" of this and relate a highly likely story all about how an Asian-looking person screamed at a black person due to a racist assumption. Obviously I caveat this with how terrible it is that the Asian person felt so frightened, but I still make a comment about remembering things "equally".

Are you seriously telling me you wouldn't see anything off with that, nor any ulterior motive?

I know you did not ask me. but I mentioned I have done the same.

I am sad and frightened and angry.

I will not go into my family story because it is the family story of many jews who escaped the pogroms and then the concentration camps. A story of hiding who you were. And being in a so called civilised, modern Europe and being thoroughly secular in the end was no protection against the camps.

My grandmother brought her children up as catholic but took them to synagogue and told them to 'never tell'.

When she died she asked for a Rabbi and a Jewish funeral.

I was brought up to 'never tell'.

I married a CofE and before we married I told him I was actually Jewish. he shrugged. His father was horrified and tried to prevent him from marrying a Jew.

I never talk about it. A few years ago I started to attend synagogue. Dh occasionally attends with me. Our children are baptised and DH says it is important for them to know their history on both sides. I was super anxious during the Corbyn years. But then thought that was dealt with and past. About a year ago I said that maybe I would start to bring the children into my part of history and DH said it was silly to think we might be afraid to do so in modern Britain. We have started to occasionally celbrate Shabbat and I really love passover and Purim.

My older son last year in RE studies piped up 'My mum is Jewish and we go to a jewish club sometimes'. When he told me this I was alarmed. Because my default- drummed into me is 'don't tell'.

And here we are.

Wow your story makes me so sad.
I was also brought up to 'not tell'.

However I met my OH. A confident person proud to be Jewish and this rubbed off on me.

I tell now if asked where I am from (even though I'm British with a British accent..I know what that means...the 'where are you from' question)

I would rather know up front if someone is an anti semite.

Oh boy that one is a cracker isn't it. Never been accused of indoctrination of a person before, so that is new.

As for 'them and us' I am literally laughing my head off considering my job and friends.

I will reference the Talmud for that poster. Seems fitting for such words and suggestions:

The chances are not nil though are they. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-67085625

Please stop minimising the OP's concerns. And if you are not Jewish, please carefully consider whether you should be posting on this board at all.

Gosh that's awful. I firmly believe the Jewish and Muslim communities are more alike than many would care to admit.

Sorry you had to do that @Trulywonderful

i has a similar conversation with my DS this week. I’m from a Jewish family and whole religious growing up lapsed once I left home and moving away etc married to a non Jewish man but I’ve always been so proud of my heritage and experiences as child raised in Judaism however this week I told my eldest not to mention we’re a Jewish family because I’m worried about what might happen to him.

Causal antisemitism has been rife throughout my life and I honestly cannot believe some of the stuff I’ve seen posted on here this week. Makes me sick and scared enough that if people really think that way and display so much blatant antisemitism so easily then it’s not sage in RL for my son to express his Jewish connections

I am very much the same as you husband . I am loud and proud about my Jewishness. I like people asking me questions about Jewish history or trying to help genuine people understand antisemitism.

Yes, yes, yes about rather knowing the type of person I am dealing with by their reaction to me being a Jew.

It was just this time it was not about tough old me. It was about my less verbally able and less resilient child. So I had no choice but to tell him to hide his Jewishness.

Anyway nice to meet someone with the same thought set on knowing peoples prejudices.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

As some posters have said generations before us have hid who they are to escape persecution and dead. I think some of us, especially older mothers like myself remember having relatives that still hid being Jewish many years later. Some Jews whose families fled various ethnic cleaning of Jews in the middle east and have not grandparents but parents that experienced this.

It is easy for non Jews to question why I spoke to my son about this. However if you haven't walked in someone elses shoes think twice about commenting negative stuff.

It's casual antisemitism, isn't it? Judging a Jewish mother for her actions when you've no idea what her heritage and experience has taught her. Gaslighting, minimising - then overt nastiness.

Totally understand OP why you felt the need.
I'm sorry if that wasn't clear in my initial post.
It's an urge to protect our children isn't it.
It makes me so very sad that world events mean you have had to do it.

Maybe have another conversation to reiterate what you've said about not advertising he is Jewish but at the same time it is not something to be ashamed of?

Do you really, really think the OP needs this advice?!

I'm raising my children to care about who a person is not what skin colour, sexuality, religion etc they are

And this is not necessarily the good approach you think it is. Not seeing colour, race etc means that we easily overlook the barriers and challenges faced by people of that colour.

Gosh this is awful, but I agree - do whatever you need to to keep your child safe.

I have really hated seeing antisemitism rear it's ugly head in the UK over the last week. It must be really scary for Jewish DC and parents ATM. Do whatever you need to do to keep your DC safe.

Yep

We talk to the teenagers at school about not doing this kind of thing to other minority groups. However as the vast majority of mumsnet users are parents it is easy to see where some of them get the idea they can judge other groups from. Though some I am sure have ok parents but pick it up online.

Maybe have another conversation to reiterate what you've said about not advertising he is Jewish but at the same time it is not something to be ashamed of?

• *Thank you for your concern but I can assure you have not lead my child to believe his ethnicity is something to be ashamed of. I am a very outspoken Jewish woman from a long line of similar. He isn't even going to be ashamed. In the world we live together curious but never ashamed.

He is fine after the initial oh I need to do this now moment when we first started talking. Once I explained it was just a sensible way of not getting into unnecessary arguments and avoiding being questioned by people that may be feeling emotional about the conflict, he was OK.

I didn't mention the fact that someone could make thing physical because that would have scared him. I just kept it simple and like it was just easier for him to do this. He doesn't have a phone yet because unlike his brothers at that age I don't think he is ready for our.

The school is very close to our house so he has no travelling and he talks to his friends on the Switch. This has made the whole situation easier with him. He isn't seeing upsetting images on social media like a lot of kids his age.

My great grandparents did exactly the same when they arrived here just over 120 years ago.

They were proven 'right' within their lifetimes.

It's sad that this will always happen. But it always does

My experience too. Both my DGPs and my DPs went to great lengths to hide his Jewishness out of absolute fear. My DF was worried when he saw my DC wearing Magen Dovid pendants growing up and couldn’t believe it was safe for them to make themselves more identifiable. Luckily they experienced no antisemitism as kids but when they were at uni they both stopped wearing their necklaces for good after DD experienced overt antisemitism. She also did in her first job.

In the shul I grew up in the men wore kippot at services, but the very MINUTE they left the grounds, they slipped them off and tucked them in their suit pockets. I was never told why, but I knew just by osmosis that it was better if we just looked like everyone else.