One and done (and heartbroken)

[Njay3]

Hi ladies,
I’m writing for a little support. I’m currently undergoing treatment for a suspected ectopic pregnancy. It’s my ninth (I think) miscarriage and the third Christmas in a row I’ve been miscarrying. I think I’m coming to the realisation that I can’t do this any more. It’s not that I don’t want to or I wouldn’t but after so many miscarriages it just doesn’t feel like it’ll ever work (plus, this has been the absolute worst, it’s been going in for weeks, I’ve had keyhole surgery and somehow my pregnancy hormones are still rising, I basically live at the hospital right now).
I know I’m so lucky to have my daughter and many don’t ever get that but I’m finding it so hard that I’ll never give her a sibling and never have another baby. I always wanted a big family and my heartbreaks that my daughter doesn’t get that. I worry she’ll always be lonely and as she gets older (she’s 5 now), she’ll find home a really boring place to be as it’s just her and us. She also talks a lot about how all her friends have siblings and she’s the only one alone.
I can’t really see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and I just wanted to know if anyone had been through this and found happiness or “got over it”.
thank you for reading x

Hello,
Just came across your post and wanted to offer my support as in a similar situation. I’m pretty sure I’m miscarrying now after having undergone fertility treatment with our last embryo. It has been a journey- this will be miscarriage number 2 and we’ve also had 2 failed attempts. It is emotionally and physically draining and I’m so sorry you have had to go through this so many times. I also have one amazing son and am so grateful for him, but like you really wanted him to have a sibling and wanted a bigger family like I did growing up.

I went to a fertility counsellor who said something that stuck with me about grieving the life or family you thought you’d end up with. So I think it’s okay to just let yourself feel sad about it, and hopefully over time it will be less painful. Prioritise looking after yourself right now and make sure you have support. When you are feeling better maybe plan a weekend away as a family or girls weekend with friends.

I don’t know how I’m going to bring myself to get rid of all the baby stuff I’ve been holding onto for so long in hopes. Makes me very sad but I’m some ways it might be a bit of a relief to draw a line under the sand so I can move on and not live in this constant cycle of hope and disappointment, as I’m sure your very familiar with.

This may or may not be helpful but I’ve found quite a bit of research that says only children aren’t any unhappier than children with siblings, in fact in some cases even happier. The same is the case with parents of only children. Life with one child is significantly easier in lots of ways. Less stress with logistics, better off financially so can do more with them, holidays etc and they get more of your time and attention. You also have more time to pursue your own interests. So I think you can reassure yourself that your daughter won’t be any worse off.

Sending hugs xx

Hi there,

In solidarity here! One and done and heartbroken, no issues conceiving my daughter and then nothing for 9 years :(

@Njay3 i was just about to start a post very similar to yours. We have a DC and have been trying for a number of years also on our 9th pregnancy. We think it might be a blighted ovum but have to wait the 10days for a rescan.

I just feel to mentally and physical done, it’s taking joy away from my child, I feel like I’m distracted instead of enjoying their childhood. I have had MMC, miscarriages, TFMR and honestly I have such PTSD around being pregnant that I get panick attacks

@Hotchocolates953 that is heartbreaking. Every loss is a trauma and I’m so sorry you’ve been through this so many times. having to wait for a rescan seems really stressful 😣

it was confirmed yesterday that I’ve miscarried our last embryo and I’m just heartbroken as this is the end of the road for us. I’m really struggling coming to terms with the fact my DS will be an only child. I can imagine it will be easier with time but I do wonder if I’m just going to be sad about it forever. I can’t help but feel bitter about it, it seems so easy for everyone else. Hope you’re okay x

Thanks for your replies Ladies. So sorry you’ve gone through that @Rosie86947 And so sorry this is happening to you again @Hotchocolates953,I really hope you get good news next week. @OneHeartyFox Same, my daughter now seems like a miracle baby and I had no idea at the time. I just don’t know if I’ll ever get over it or I’ll be sad forever. The decision to stop trying is so hard but I’m the same as you @Hotchocolates953 , I’ve been miscarrying for the last three christmasses and they’ve all felt sad as a result. I feel like I haven’t been able to fully enjoy Christmas with my daughter and I feel like it’s starting to be unfair on her. I should be enjoying her childhood not feeling sad about another baby I can’t have. But the decisions to stop and say goodbye to baby you badly wanted is so so hard. Sending you all loads of love.xxx

Totally relate to all the things mentioned on these posts 🥲. I miscarried my last frozen embryos a few months ago and I’m still really struggling with it. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have my healthy and happy DS via IVF (at age 40) in the first place. And that there would be no point trying again with a fresh cycle now at age 44 - statistically I’d be just taking valuable time/attention and especially £££ away from my son.

But as mentioned, letting go of all the baby things just brings back what you are “giving up” even though it needs to be done… and I do think I would have been a more relaxed mum and been able to enjoy the early days more the 2nd time around, with less of the “first time mum” panic. It feels like it just went in a blur.

I’m currently reading “One and Only” by Lauren Sadler - it’s quite helpful in terms of worrying less if my son will miss out on anything without a sibling. All the studies seem to suggest he won’t, in fact there seems to be a lot of benefits to being an only child. And luckily for me, he’s quite a self-absorbed 3 year old and has never asked for a sibling - he’s wants everyones attention to be on him 🤣

But obviously that doesn’t stop the emotional yearning to be a Mum for a second time or having the image in my head of siblings “being there” for each other as adults when I’m old or gone, even if they aren’t especially close as kids 😢

I’m trying to remind myself that it wasn’t meant to be, that I miscarried for a reason and that I’d likely have struggled to cope if the child was significantly disabled, which is supposedly more likely the older the parents (I’m a SMBC, although lucky to have a lot of family help). But it is hard - I hope more time helps heal things for all of us

Hello, also feeling heartbroken right now, as the reality of no second child starts to sink in.

We had years of IVF and of course are so fortunate to have DD, but I didn't enjoy the pregnancy as I was so anxious the whole time thinking it could go wrong. There are so many things I feel I've learned and would be a better more relaxed mum if I could have another go but our IVF journey has come to an end, no more embryos and no chance of a natural pregnancy. I keep crying randomly.
All the baby things so carefully stored. Not just the clothes but special toys or books, some maternity clothes I hoped to wear again.

I'm so sorry for the many losses some of you have experienced.

I don't know if the sadness will go away, I suspect not but will have to learn to live with it. It feels so unfair, I could scream and cry and stay in bed.

Sending love to all experiencing these feelings 💐

@Alexandrine and @bearinanightie im so sorry for both your losess. It’s so devastating and I think going through the gruellingness of IVF makes it seem even more unfair when things don’t work out. I resonate so much with both of your posts I could have written them myself. It’s such a mix of emotions, overwhelming loss and sadness, guilt and I will also admit a teeny tiny sense of relief. I keep breaking down in tears as well when I think about this part of my life being over, I’ll never get to experience all those magical moments of the early years again, looking at videos of my DS as a baby and just feeling heartbroken all over again.

Im also suddenly hyper aware of making sure he has the best childhood possible and all my shortcomings as a parent as this is the only shot I get. I’ve been waking up with a horrible sense of dread and anxiety. I worry about when he’s older and doesn’t want to be around me anymore in the teenage years, how devastated I will be and if something were to ever happen to him. which all feels a bit crazy but these are the thoughts going through my head.

i have supportive family and friends but it’s tough, as everyone else seems to have the family they want and it’s been so easy for them. Friends having their second and third babies never used to bother me before as in the back of my head I always just assumed it would happen for us one day too. Now that hope is gone it does sting seeing other families and pregnant women. My friend recently had her third and I honestly don’t think I can face seeing her.

Im sure it will get easier with time, but I think I’m always going to feel like someone is missing from our family and it breaks my heart. Thanks for listening it helps to know there are people out there going through the same thing and I’m not alone. Sending hugs x

Sending love to you all. Everything you’ve said is so true. Thanks for the book recommendation @Alexandrine, I’ll definitely get that. I feel so sad about the thought that our house will feel quiet and boring to her as she grows up. She doesn’t ask for a sibling but talks a lot about how her friends all have them and also says she wants a baby of her own 💔 I have loads of stuff on storage too @bearinanightie. I went to the loft to get something the other day and just had to come straight back out again as I couldn’t face all the clothes and toys I’ve been saving. And like you @Rosie86947 I’m struggling to look at baby pictures because I’m so gutted I won’t get to do it again. No idea how to get over it or if I ever will. Thanks for sharing your stories, it helps to know I’m not alone. Sending loads of love and strength to you all xxx

I’m so glad to have found this thread. Also facing being unwillingly one and done. Time slipped away and now it appears there are no eggs left at 42. DS is just the most wonderful beautiful boy and we are so blessed but I am an only child and I desperately didn’t want the same for him. We lost his brother to a TFMR last year which makes it all the more cruel. I am so sorry for all of you and especially the ladies currently experiencing losses xx

@Rosie86947 it stings so much seeing the families who just effortlessly have the number of children they want and don't seem to realise how lucky they are. I also feel like I shouldn't complain because we are lucky to have DD in the first place.
I feel like I can't do this, but there's no choice. Finding it very hard seeing lots of pregnant mums at school run time.
@EnnJoy it's so hard, I look at the clothes and have very vivid memories, it's like watching a film.
@SherlockHolmess a TFMR is such a cruel loss (they're all cruel aren't they).

Definitely finding Christmas a hard time and then feeling guilty about that when this is my one shot at this. DD plays with baby dolls constantly and runs to say hello to babies. So I often have to stand there saying how cute they are and making small talk with the mums (distraction not working).

I am feeling the same way @bearinanightie Yesterday was tough at my work Christmas lunch when all the parents got in a discussion around siblings and how tough having two was but how great when they got older etc. I’m just so sad I won’t have that and my DD won’t experience it. I also have this perception that you aren’t a proper mum/family until you have two kids (I know this is total nonsense but I can’t get it out of my head). I’m not particularly career driven or have any big passions/hobbies in life so feeling a bit lost. I did read on another thread about someone thinking millennials having one child was quite chic. Made me feel better for a second…

Trying to stay distracted but have had a few days this week where I just feel desperately miserable and just want to stay in bed and cry. I really hope this gets easier.

@SherlockHolmess im so incredibly sorry you had to go through that. It’s all so unfair. Hope you are okay xx

Hi all,

Happened on your post on the board. I don't have children... yet. We are in the midst of our first round of IVF. While I don't know how mine and my husband's journey will end, I am very hopeful for one child, but anything additional feels a bit foggy. I too had always envisioned two children, so having to manage my expectations does feel very sad.

However, I am an only child myself and like with any position in the birth order it has its pros and cons. The biggest con for me was always being seen by others as being 'lonely' and maybe the object of pity.

Both of these things in my life means I was encouraged to see an article on how 1-child families are going to become the norm in a few years, and it also lists the benefits of being an only child :) So hopefully your DCs won't feel like the odd one out in the same way I did 30ish years ago.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cwyv7211jljo

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all ok with everything you are facing. Sending hugs.

I am in the same position of likely being one and done, not through choice. We have the most wonderful DD, who is 4 now. After TTC for over 2 years, we have done the first few appointments for IVF, with the start date planned for Feb.

But....I just don't think my heart is in it. And I know my DH's definitely isn't and he would be relieved if I said let's cancel it all.

I don't think it will work. We can't afford more than one cycle (which would use up a good chunk of our savings) and the chances of success based on my age (almost 40) is only 18%. We had an appt today to get AMH/sperm test results and I was half hoping that we'd get told that they were bad and be recommended not to move forward. I feel like doing IVF would largely be for me to say 'we tried everything' and then we can move on with our lives.

I've not faced the trauma that a lot of you have with losses, but TTC has taken over my life and head for 2 years and I'm starting to feel 'ok' about moving on - something I really couldn't say 6 months ago.

On the flip side, the thought of clearing out all that baby stuff I've held onto is heartbreaking. Not getting to do it all again is heartbreaking. Seeing photos of my DD as a baby compared to now breaks my heart a bit. I also really can't get past the anger of how unfair it is how easy this journey is for some people to have their 2nd or 3rd.

Our life is good and we are happy. I do fear having a 2nd child with complex needs. My DD doesn't ask for a sibling and does seem to like our quieter house.

Will I regret not trying everything? How do you know when it is time to stop?

Much love to you all ❤️ I’m sorry so many of us are struggling with this. You never really think about it when you are trying for years to have your first (well, only child) with BFN after BFN - that in future you’d so desperately want a 2nd one too and have to accept that it’s never going to happen 😢

@HM2024 I do think the odds you were given were slightly pessimistic, but it is definitely more tricky when you are over 40 (or very close to it). I had no hesitation myself trying IVF when I was 39/40 in order to have a child the first time around, but it did take 2 IVF cycles for me (on top of lots of failed IUI’s). But obviously it’s much more difficult to make that choice when you have to consider the finances (and time) it will take away from a child you already have. Like you said, it not something people who can conceive naturally even think about - IVF is a tough road.

(At my age now (44) it would cost so much with the odds so bad (less than 5%) and the risks of more miscarriages so high that IVF is sadly not something I can do again, financially or emotionally - as much as I still often dream about a second child).

Personally I’ve been trying to lift my spirits by focusing on having more adventures with my son - taking him for big days out, going on his first holiday abroad and booking another one to look forward to next year, even looking at the various extra curricular activities he might want to do out of school in another year or two when he’s old enough etc. Basically things that would have been much more difficult financially or time/coordination wise if I’d been successful in having a second child. But yes, sometimes it’s harder to be positive and it still hurts ❤️

Thanks so much for your response @Alexandrine and so sorry to read about your recent loss. What a heartbreaking journey this is 💔

I keep flip-flopping back and forth on if we should go ahead with it. Two days ago I was adamant that our journey was done and we should try to move forward. And then yesterday I'm thinking maybe we give it a shot. We have another appt on Friday and think we have to pay the $$$ before that so it is decision time.

I started reading the book your recommended and ended up bawling about the prospect of my DD having to deal with us becoming old and dying on her own 😢

I feel guilty and stupid for not starting our family earlier. Now that I know how wonderful it is, why would I not want another 5 years with her. But also, if we had, DD wouldn't be the same fantastic little person.

Thank you @HM2024 ❤️ I too sometimes wish I had tried for a sibling earlier but realistically in my case I would have been 42 at the youngest (as I had a C section so was advised to wait at least a year) so even then, I might well have been too old. And the costs of more fresh cycles compared to the FETs…

Plus I really think my son benefited from having all my time and attention in his earliest years - I don’t regret that part. And tbh I think he still benefits from it now and always will, even to a lesser extent as he becomes older (plus the obvious extra financial resources). But yes, him being alone to deal with things when I am older/gone is a negative - I have to hope he will be lucky enough to have found a wonderful partner for emotional support and that I will be able to put into place the practical care side of things for myself far ahead of time (so that he doesn’t need to do as much).

I would say don’t do IVF for your daughters sake - I truly believe there are generally more positives than negatives to being an only child for the children themselves (and this seems to be supported by the things I have read). And obviously you can sometimes end up with siblings that can’t stand each other too, even into adulthood!

But knowing all that didn’t/doesn’t stop my own yearning to be a parent again 😢- so if you are only doing it because you desperately want a second child for yourselves and want to feel you tried everything, then it’s very different. Good luck, whatever you do decide ❤️

Hi OP! I understand exactly what youre going through.
We are going through unexplained secondary infertility (been ttc for 3 years and 2 months) - my DS is now 5.5years old and worried he may remain an only child. I feel super guilty for not being able to give him a sibling whereas his friends, cousins all have siblings. I often worry about the future and how he'll be and that breaks my heart even more. I too am an only child (parents got divorced) and had always wanted a sibling when I was younger, even now as an adult still wish I had one. Its a painful situation to be in. Im trying to remain positive but sometimes its okay to just stop and cry about it - to simply release the emotions

Feeling sad to be at the end of another year, with no hope of having another child, at least at the start of this year I did still have possibilities. Have found all of Christmas very difficult and I am aware how ungrateful that sounds but it's true.

I’m with you @bearinanightie and am finding this time of year difficult too. For years I’ve been holding on to the next thing with hope and now that’s gone it will take some time to come to terms with it. Make sure to take
some time to yourself to process everything - it is a grieving process so anger, guilt etc are completely normal and valid feelings. I think the reality is there may always be a bit of sadness there that just becomes less raw with time.

I am desperate to organise our house and clear everything out but I still can’t bring myself to get rid of all my DS’s old things. A friend just recently announced her pregnancy and would have been exactly the same timing as our last embryo that miscarried. It’s so tough.

I had a fertility counselling session earlier today which was useful. I would recommend it especially if your clinic offer them. She gave me some useful exercises and different ways to think about things which I think will help.

Sending hugs x

Just wanted to check in really and say I hope all those experiencing losses over Christmas are doing as well as can be expected.
HM2023 what have you decided? We have an appointment with a fertility specialist at the end of January but I don’t know whether to cancel it or not. My Mira monitor is basically bellowing at me GIVE UP NOW and I want to take HRT but I think given my FSH levels I’ll never ovulate again if I take oestrogen - but I just feel so shit all the time. But DS is just so heartbreakingly sweet with all the babies and toddlers he meets and I just think - miracles do happen. I don’t know how to finally accept this. Wishing peace to everyone on this thread this new year xx

@Rosie86947 Hope you're doing ok. Your friend's pregnancy is going to be a hard one to be on the sidelines of, thinking you should be at the same stage.

Glad the counselling helped you. I have a session booked in a couple of weeks.

@SherlockHolmess I was so on the fence that I delayed our third appt (when the $$ had to be paid) and had an extra 10 days to think things through. The short time scale (in the midst of Christmas prep) was panicking me so that helped. We have decided to go for it. I'm not all that hopeful and dreading the next few months. But whatever happens, I need this chapter to close and not drag on throughout 2026.

You saying you don't know how to finally accept it - for me, if we do IVF and it doesn't work, I can mentally close it and move on. (with some counselling!)

Maybe go to the specialist appointment and see what is advised?

@Rosie86947 I did have some counseling a few months ago but that was before latest failed IVF, there won't be any more treatment and I can't even say it out loud.

Sorry that your friend's pregnancy timeline so closely mirrors yours, it's heartbreaking. I've got a family member with an unplanned pregnancy which is difficult to hear about but they don't know what's going on with me so I can't say anything.

I bagged up maternity clothes and cried so much I put the box in the back of the wardrobe and will try again another time.

I have never felt so sad in my life, it's making me feel physically sick. I suppose it will have to get less raw at some point but I know this is it now for the rest of my life, it feels very heavy.

Again I know very many people have awful things going on but hoping I can use this as a space to vent some of these things, I don't have anyone to talk to IRL.

Sending big hugs @bearinanightie. You are grieving the life you thought you would have so take time so do that. Sometimes you just need to feel the feels. It is utterly shit and not fair. Did you find the counselling helpful before?

Leave the stuff in the back of your wardrobe/in the loft until you feel ready to deal with it, when it isn't so raw.