One and done (and heartbroken)

[Njay3]

Hi ladies,
I’m writing for a little support. I’m currently undergoing treatment for a suspected ectopic pregnancy. It’s my ninth (I think) miscarriage and the third Christmas in a row I’ve been miscarrying. I think I’m coming to the realisation that I can’t do this any more. It’s not that I don’t want to or I wouldn’t but after so many miscarriages it just doesn’t feel like it’ll ever work (plus, this has been the absolute worst, it’s been going in for weeks, I’ve had keyhole surgery and somehow my pregnancy hormones are still rising, I basically live at the hospital right now).
I know I’m so lucky to have my daughter and many don’t ever get that but I’m finding it so hard that I’ll never give her a sibling and never have another baby. I always wanted a big family and my heartbreaks that my daughter doesn’t get that. I worry she’ll always be lonely and as she gets older (she’s 5 now), she’ll find home a really boring place to be as it’s just her and us. She also talks a lot about how all her friends have siblings and she’s the only one alone.
I can’t really see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and I just wanted to know if anyone had been through this and found happiness or “got over it”.
thank you for reading x

Hi @bearinanightie sending big hugs as well. Can you do counselling with your clinic after this latest round? While it’s all difficult, this time it’s much heavier I think as there is some finality to it, and is a grieving process (I’m in the same boat). I do feel better even if it’s just having someone to talk to that understands. It’s hard when other people don’t know what’s going on. I’m quite a private person but I have told a few close friends this time, even though they can never fully understand they can check in, and also so they won’t ask the dreaded question about when I’m having another (the worst!).

I agree, put your stuff away for now. If you can, would a close friends or family member be able to donate/sell them for you? Sending hugs xx

I’m a bit further along this unintended path than some of you. We had DD, now almost 6, after endo, infertility and two rounds of IVF. We tried for a sibling and had three rounds of IVF and three miscarriages. The final loss was after we had seen a heartbeat. It was devastating. That was three years ago and I will be 45 soon.

We looked into donor eggs but our heart wasn’t in it. Slowly, over time we made the decision to stop. I had some counselling sessions at the clinic, and going on the pill and then the coil helped. Not having periods made it less painful emotionally as well as physically. I wallowed and grieved. I put on 5kg.

After about a year I began playing sport again. I started to lose weight, re-engaged with my book group and met friends more regularly. I wanted to start living again and be present for DD. It slowly got easier, and by last year I’d lost all the weight. DH and I have planned a trip away each year. I also made connections with friends who experienced losses and have one child, including a good friend who also wanted more children. We still meet regularly and commiserate together. These friendships have really helped.

I’m more open about our circumstances now. It someone makes a thoughtless comment I’ll say ‘we’d have loved to have had another child, but it’s not that straightforward for everyone’ and watch them scuttle away in shame. We plan to do up our garden and will to scatter our babies ashes there and in another place special to us.

This is not the family I imagined, but it’s the family I have. I was even able to congratulate two friends recently who announced their third pregnancies. It still hurts (and I still marvel at how easy it is for some people) but it’s a dull ache rather than a knife to the heart. DD will occasionally ask about a sibling, although this is more curiosity I think. I’m honest with her and say we wanted to have another baby, but there was something wrong with mummy’s tummy.

She will be ok and we will be too. However, I accept it is different for everyone, and it has to be a loss processed at your own pace. We are coming out the other side and I feel more at peace with it now- and I never thought I’d get here. I hope you get here too.

Look after yourselves ❤️

@nightslugs Thank you for sharing. That was a really lovely post to read. I'm sorry you have been through so much heartache. It is very very unfair. I'm glad you are feeling more at peace. ❤

Just checking in really, still finding it very hard. I'm so fed up of being nice about other people's pregnancies and babies.
DD is asking fairly frequently for a sibling and I've tried to explain in an age appropriate way that it isn't possible. She knows we had treatment to have her and I've said the doctors have tried and tried but they could only make one baby for our family. I guess it's an early lesson for her that life doesn't always go as planned but it's a balance as don't want her to feel like she is not enough.

Also not feeling things getting any easier and having a hard week. Sorry that you are feeling the same @bearinanightie :(

We did a round of IVF and got one embryo which didn't stick. That was meant to be us saying we tried everything and moving on. Not that easy of course. DD told me she felt lonely because she didn't have a brother/sister like a lot of her friends and it just broke my heart and sent me into a spiral. It looks like we are going to do another round in the next few months. I don't feel hopeful, and I feel like it's just delaying the heartbreak of accepting that is us done.

My closest friend is pregnant and I have a girls trip away this weekend with her plus a few others. I'm slightly dreading it and worried about how I will cope.

I feel that any sympathy and understanding from friends/family that knew has dwindled and wonder if they expect me to have gotten over it by now.

@bearinanightie i think it’s completely acceptable to also tell your daughter that the talk of a sibling makes you sad. Children learning we aren’t these humans on pedestals, we are human and make mistakes / cry / have our own emotions etc. That you would have loved to had another baby but your body just won’t do it but it makes you so sad.

I’ve been open with my daughter about the baby that died and sometimes when I cry she will give me a cuddle and ask if it’s about baby brother.