I’m a bit further along this unintended path than some of you. We had DD, now almost 6, after endo, infertility and two rounds of IVF. We tried for a sibling and had three rounds of IVF and three miscarriages. The final loss was after we had seen a heartbeat. It was devastating. That was three years ago and I will be 45 soon.
We looked into donor eggs but our heart wasn’t in it. Slowly, over time we made the decision to stop. I had some counselling sessions at the clinic, and going on the pill and then the coil helped. Not having periods made it less painful emotionally as well as physically. I wallowed and grieved. I put on 5kg.
After about a year I began playing sport again. I started to lose weight, re-engaged with my book group and met friends more regularly. I wanted to start living again and be present for DD. It slowly got easier, and by last year I’d lost all the weight. DH and I have planned a trip away each year. I also made connections with friends who experienced losses and have one child, including a good friend who also wanted more children. We still meet regularly and commiserate together. These friendships have really helped.
I’m more open about our circumstances now. It someone makes a thoughtless comment I’ll say ‘we’d have loved to have had another child, but it’s not that straightforward for everyone’ and watch them scuttle away in shame. We plan to do up our garden and will to scatter our babies ashes there and in another place special to us.
This is not the family I imagined, but it’s the family I have. I was even able to congratulate two friends recently who announced their third pregnancies. It still hurts (and I still marvel at how easy it is for some people) but it’s a dull ache rather than a knife to the heart. DD will occasionally ask about a sibling, although this is more curiosity I think. I’m honest with her and say we wanted to have another baby, but there was something wrong with mummy’s tummy.
She will be ok and we will be too. However, I accept it is different for everyone, and it has to be a loss processed at your own pace. We are coming out the other side and I feel more at peace with it now- and I never thought I’d get here. I hope you get here too.
Look after yourselves ❤️