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Original poster

Coping with people’s insensitivity?

31 replies

Dodeedoo · 02/08/2025 17:47

How do people cope with comments from people such as ‘as a mother’ or ‘making mum friends’… these comments that come from people who know what you are going through? I know they are not intentionally trying to cause upset but the comments cut deep. I feel so lonely. I get these type of comments from most people I know as most are parents. Some have gone through infertility themselves. It seems like they have forgotten what it feels like.. one person sent me a video of her new born wriggling around in response to a message I had sent about how down I was feeling re my infertility. Just so fucking fed up with it all. Sorry for the rant. Nobody to talk to because nobody else gets it :(

OP posts:
Serendipity24 · 02/08/2025 18:50

OP, I hear you. It's difficult to navigate infertility as so many people do not realise the implications of what they say including those who had faced it before. There are also people who would intentionally rub it in your face.

Sending you the photo of the new born in response to your message about feeling low due to your struggles is particularly insensitive. I have no idea why she thought it was an appropriate response.

I too face similar insensitive behaviour all the time. There's someone I think used to do it on purpose. She went on and on about how having kids is the most amazing thing, how it changes your life, how they mean the world to her etc. But the thing that really bothered me is when she bragged about how quickly after getting married she fell pregnant and was wondering why it was taking so long for a couple we both know to have kids, knowing full well our long struggle with infertility more than ten years into our marriage.

I think the best thing to do is to keep your distance from these people. Yes, you will be lonelier, but at least your mental health will be better. Confide only to those who understand your pain.

Original poster
Dodeedoo · 02/08/2025 19:29

Serendipity24 · 02/08/2025 18:50

OP, I hear you. It's difficult to navigate infertility as so many people do not realise the implications of what they say including those who had faced it before. There are also people who would intentionally rub it in your face.

Sending you the photo of the new born in response to your message about feeling low due to your struggles is particularly insensitive. I have no idea why she thought it was an appropriate response.

I too face similar insensitive behaviour all the time. There's someone I think used to do it on purpose. She went on and on about how having kids is the most amazing thing, how it changes your life, how they mean the world to her etc. But the thing that really bothered me is when she bragged about how quickly after getting married she fell pregnant and was wondering why it was taking so long for a couple we both know to have kids, knowing full well our long struggle with infertility more than ten years into our marriage.

I think the best thing to do is to keep your distance from these people. Yes, you will be lonelier, but at least your mental health will be better. Confide only to those who understand your pain.

❤️❤️ thank you so much for your kind response.
I think some people are actually thoughtless but they shouldn’t be :( I can’t imagine being so inconsiderate.
whoever the person is that rubbed it in your face sounds like an absolute dick!
how are you getting on in your journey? I’m very close to giving up on it. It will definitely be the time when I have to distance myself from these people. It’s very sad xx

OP posts:
Mrsplants · 02/08/2025 20:40

I’m so sorry. It is so difficult. For me I find it very hard when people share stuff on Facebook along the lines of ‘I didn’t know love until I had my child’, as if those of us with infertility are never going to experience the same life changing love.

I agree with the previous poster about distancing yourself and talking to those who actually understand your pain. Or even if they don’t fully understand it, the ones who want to comfort you and be there for you. Not the insensitive ones. I am so shocked your friend sent you that video after your message. That really isn’t what I would call a normal or appropriate response.

It can feel like the loneliest place, but just know you are not alone. There are so many of us all around the world having the same battle and struggles 💗

Rosiestraws · 04/08/2025 11:47

Two great ones..

Messaging a pregnant friend after my chemical pregnancy (her being well aware of the struggles and what was going on with me) and asked how he was and she replied with a photo of her bump and saying how big she was!!! I couldn't believe it. I actually didn't reply/speak to her for about a month until she text again (still not having realised how upsetting it had been) but luckily I was feeling in a better place and able to respond normally and let it go.

Second one...unintentional but still. I've literally JUST got back this morning from a cancelled egg collection- they cancelled in theatre as my ovary was inaccessible...I decided to work and then I get an email reminding us about a colleague's baby shower this month (I mean, it's still 3 weeks away!) and asking for contributions. Nice little sucker punch there...

Mrsplants · 04/08/2025 12:34

I’m sorry to hear about your egg collection @Rosiestraws.. sending you a gentle hug. What a crappy journey this is. X

Original poster
Dodeedoo · 04/08/2025 21:24

Rosiestraws · 04/08/2025 11:47

Two great ones..

Messaging a pregnant friend after my chemical pregnancy (her being well aware of the struggles and what was going on with me) and asked how he was and she replied with a photo of her bump and saying how big she was!!! I couldn't believe it. I actually didn't reply/speak to her for about a month until she text again (still not having realised how upsetting it had been) but luckily I was feeling in a better place and able to respond normally and let it go.

Second one...unintentional but still. I've literally JUST got back this morning from a cancelled egg collection- they cancelled in theatre as my ovary was inaccessible...I decided to work and then I get an email reminding us about a colleague's baby shower this month (I mean, it's still 3 weeks away!) and asking for contributions. Nice little sucker punch there...

Bigs hugs ❤️❤️❤️
that lady who sent you a pic of her bump is a dick

OP posts:
blacksnow · 05/08/2025 17:47

Hi, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can relate — my circle changed completely during my fertility journey. My parents couldn’t understand how difficult it was, and to make things harder, my sister got pregnant almost instantly. Because of that, my parents believed I was just making excuses for not getting pregnant, which was incredibly painful.

Stillhoping1990 · 05/08/2025 21:18

I remember the infertility pain very clearly - I actually just stopped talking to people about it as they either didn’t understand, or it made them feel awkward or even worse they’d be insensitive. I removed myself from social media for three years and didn’t go to any baby showers etc - this was my way of coping. Keep the circle of friends very small. Unfortunately you’ll probably meet even more nobs when you do have a baby - they will be annoying but just in a new way - gloating about how great a mother they are and how amazing their baby is. My journey to becoming a mother and motherhood itself has shown be a whole new side to people.

Original poster
Dodeedoo · 06/08/2025 17:46

Stillhoping1990 · 05/08/2025 21:18

I remember the infertility pain very clearly - I actually just stopped talking to people about it as they either didn’t understand, or it made them feel awkward or even worse they’d be insensitive. I removed myself from social media for three years and didn’t go to any baby showers etc - this was my way of coping. Keep the circle of friends very small. Unfortunately you’ll probably meet even more nobs when you do have a baby - they will be annoying but just in a new way - gloating about how great a mother they are and how amazing their baby is. My journey to becoming a mother and motherhood itself has shown be a whole new side to people.

I strongly do not think I will have a baby so I suppose I will never come across the other knob heads.. every cloud!

OP posts:
Serendipity24 · 06/08/2025 20:24

I was talking to my sister today about this topic and realised I didn't reply to your message. We are now waiting for a donor match. This will be our second and last donor cycle. I never thought we'd need/want a second donor cycle. But the doctor didn't test and treat me for immune issues (even though I repeatedly asked him), so we want to see if it makes any difference. There's no time and money left to do anything if it fails, so it would be the end for us. To be honest, I'm preparing for that outcome as that seems more likely.

Original poster
Dodeedoo · 06/08/2025 20:54

Serendipity24 · 06/08/2025 20:24

I was talking to my sister today about this topic and realised I didn't reply to your message. We are now waiting for a donor match. This will be our second and last donor cycle. I never thought we'd need/want a second donor cycle. But the doctor didn't test and treat me for immune issues (even though I repeatedly asked him), so we want to see if it makes any difference. There's no time and money left to do anything if it fails, so it would be the end for us. To be honest, I'm preparing for that outcome as that seems more likely.

Aww it is such so unfair isn’t it 💔 are you looking at donor ivf in the uk? I might consider it but honestly I don’t want to pay for money and it not work xx

OP posts:
Ginnygi · 09/08/2025 16:23

OP, I'm so sorry.
I always am extremely careful with people that I know or suspect may be going through something. Sadly, some people don't care.
I don't have infertility but had multiple losses and there was one friend who would honestly try to rub it in my face. I don't care for her anymore and pretty much just ignore her messages. I know you can't just ignore everyone who says something insensitive but if you have people that bring in more pain than good, I would consider giving them less time.
When you share your feelings about infertility and someone sends a baby video, that's just tone deaf.

PeonyPatch · 10/08/2025 22:21

Serendipity24 · 02/08/2025 18:50

OP, I hear you. It's difficult to navigate infertility as so many people do not realise the implications of what they say including those who had faced it before. There are also people who would intentionally rub it in your face.

Sending you the photo of the new born in response to your message about feeling low due to your struggles is particularly insensitive. I have no idea why she thought it was an appropriate response.

I too face similar insensitive behaviour all the time. There's someone I think used to do it on purpose. She went on and on about how having kids is the most amazing thing, how it changes your life, how they mean the world to her etc. But the thing that really bothered me is when she bragged about how quickly after getting married she fell pregnant and was wondering why it was taking so long for a couple we both know to have kids, knowing full well our long struggle with infertility more than ten years into our marriage.

I think the best thing to do is to keep your distance from these people. Yes, you will be lonelier, but at least your mental health will be better. Confide only to those who understand your pain.

“Confide only to those who understand your pain.”

This is the best advice I’ve read.

I experienced loss when I was 19 years old. I am now 35 and ttc with my husband, however we are struggling to conceive. I worry that we have now sadly left it too late, and I’m absolutely devastated. A couple of friends I have confided in haven’t understood and brushed it off practically. I discovered I have PCOS a few months ago, and not long after, a friend told me they were pregnant and showed a baby scan. It felt incredibly painful as they knew what I was going through. I have distanced myself from that friend now. I’ve decided not to go to any baby showers in the near future until I reassess our situation. I’ve had recent conversations with good friends about how we might need to start coming to terms with the idea that we may not have children. I wonder how to find purpose and live a fulfilling life despite not being able to have children - which for so long - was what has motivated me in life.

PeonyPatch · 10/08/2025 22:22

Serendipity24 · 02/08/2025 18:50

OP, I hear you. It's difficult to navigate infertility as so many people do not realise the implications of what they say including those who had faced it before. There are also people who would intentionally rub it in your face.

Sending you the photo of the new born in response to your message about feeling low due to your struggles is particularly insensitive. I have no idea why she thought it was an appropriate response.

I too face similar insensitive behaviour all the time. There's someone I think used to do it on purpose. She went on and on about how having kids is the most amazing thing, how it changes your life, how they mean the world to her etc. But the thing that really bothered me is when she bragged about how quickly after getting married she fell pregnant and was wondering why it was taking so long for a couple we both know to have kids, knowing full well our long struggle with infertility more than ten years into our marriage.

I think the best thing to do is to keep your distance from these people. Yes, you will be lonelier, but at least your mental health will be better. Confide only to those who understand your pain.

“Confide only to those who understand your pain.”

This is the best advice I’ve read.

I experienced loss when I was 19 years old. I am now 35 and ttc with my husband, however we are struggling to conceive. I worry that we have now sadly left it too late, and I’m absolutely devastated. A couple of friends I have confided in haven’t understood and brushed it off practically. I discovered I have PCOS a few months ago, and not long after, a friend told me they were pregnant and showed a baby scan. It felt incredibly painful as they knew what I was going through. I have distanced myself from that friend now. I’ve decided not to go to any baby showers in the near future until I reassess our situation. I’ve had recent conversations with good friends about how we might need to start coming to terms with the idea that we may not have children. I wonder how to find purpose and live a fulfilling life despite not being able to have children - which for so long - was what has motivated me in life.

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 06:14

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PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 06:33

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Hey :)
it was the baby scan photo itself that I found insensitive. It was the way she shared the news with me. I’m glad she told me. But I felt it was shared rather insensitively x

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 07:50

PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 06:33

Hey :)
it was the baby scan photo itself that I found insensitive. It was the way she shared the news with me. I’m glad she told me. But I felt it was shared rather insensitively x

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The thing is… it is genuinely so tricky telling friends you know are trying that you’re pregnant. You are literally bubbling with joy and excitement but really try to very much keep a lid on it, at the same time you don’t want them to hear it someone else. And you also don’t want them to think you think getting pregnant is no big deal and to minimise it.

PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 07:55

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 07:50

The thing is… it is genuinely so tricky telling friends you know are trying that you’re pregnant. You are literally bubbling with joy and excitement but really try to very much keep a lid on it, at the same time you don’t want them to hear it someone else. And you also don’t want them to think you think getting pregnant is no big deal and to minimise it.

Show quote history

Yes, I understand that - I completely do!!!
but I still think she could’ve shared it with me more sensitively. Just dropping the baby scan in a WhatsApp message felt really casual to me. I would’ve preferred a phone call with some understanding

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 08:01

PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 07:55

Yes, I understand that - I completely do!!!
but I still think she could’ve shared it with me more sensitively. Just dropping the baby scan in a WhatsApp message felt really casual to me. I would’ve preferred a phone call with some understanding

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But on mumsnet, lots of posters have said they prefer to be told over messaging so they’re not put on the spot

PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 08:43

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 08:01

But on mumsnet, lots of posters have said they prefer to be told over messaging so they’re not put on the spot

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And…?

I am “not everyone on Mumsnet,” I am an individual person in my own right. I am just telling you how I feel and what I would prefer to be told - I can’t speak for everyone else.

The friend in question did reply and ask how I’d prefer to have been told, and I told her. I have been ghosted ever since. Some friend!

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 08:45

PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 08:43

And…?

I am “not everyone on Mumsnet,” I am an individual person in my own right. I am just telling you how I feel and what I would prefer to be told - I can’t speak for everyone else.

The friend in question did reply and ask how I’d prefer to have been told, and I told her. I have been ghosted ever since. Some friend!

Show quote history

Yes my point is to reiterate how tricky it is

she didn’t know you’d prefer a phone call. She result my thought you’d like space to digest news in your own time, as many do.

Laxonaweekend · 01/09/2025 08:47

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Mrsplants · 01/09/2025 10:42

@Laxonaweekend what are you hoping to gain from your messages? I don’t think it is in tone with the supportive nature of this thread otherwise mumsnet would not be deleting your messages.

I agree most people prefer to be told by a message, however sending a scan picture via message is unnecessary.

PeonyPatch · 01/09/2025 10:46

Mrsplants · 01/09/2025 10:42

@Laxonaweekend what are you hoping to gain from your messages? I don’t think it is in tone with the supportive nature of this thread otherwise mumsnet would not be deleting your messages.

I agree most people prefer to be told by a message, however sending a scan picture via message is unnecessary.

Exactly !!

Why do I need to see the scan photo?!

Original poster
Dodeedoo · 01/09/2025 10:54

Hi all, laxonaweekemd is trolling this page after I challenged her on a separate aibu thread yesterday. She was essentially bullying the OP. She’s now trying to bully me by coming onto a very sensitive thread that I created. She has searched my previous posts and used my infertility as a part of attack. She basically said it’s aswell I don’t have children on the thread yesterday. I’m sorry you all have been caught up in this. I have no idea why people are so cruel.
I have reported the poster now xxx

OP posts: