Overcoming the trauma of failed embryo transfer

[BreakfastOats]

Does this feeling of deep loss get better and how can I come to terms with the possibility of never having a child? I dealt with the failed transfer alright but we went to see my consultant and he couldn’t access our notes. We have 2 blasts in the freezer (not tested) but he started by saying that we could do another ivf round with more drugs (lots of detail around the drugs) to fix the fact that we only collected 4 eggs due to my low AMH. During the appointment I started thinking that this can’t be my life. I’m not strong enough for all this. I struggled to make the decision to have one round of IVF as I got cold feet before starting treatment. When we eventually managed to mention the embryos he said that they will stay frozen and lots of couples like banking more and more embryos. He eventually talked about lots of blood tests and biopsies I could do before another transfer but he said these are usually done after multiple implantation failures. I have feelings of deep regret for not starting ttc sooner (started at 33 now 35 classed as unexplained). I feel like my body is failing me. Starting a family was meant to be a happy time in our lives but instead it’s turned into tears, pain, loss. I want to feel like myself again but it’s really difficult. I know so many other women on here who are strong and do multiple rounds of IVF till they get their miracle. I wish I was like that but I’m not :(

I'm really sorry OP. I truly am so sorry for what you're going through. I also feel like that often. "I can't go on." But then I go on. Because it's too important to us not to. We'll go on until we can go on no more.

In my view therapy is essential, if you can access that. There are lots of therapists around who specialise in infertility, and can help you to process and clarify your feelings. I also find podcasts helpful. I recently started listening to one by a support group called Uniquely Knitted. The host of How to Fail has also spoken a lot about her coping with infertility, she's very strong, confident and wise about it so i'd recommend tracking her down too. It really helps me with feeling less alone, as this is such an isolating journey.

Do you have any hobbies? I started yoga and reformer pilates last year, and it's really helped me with keeping my body image in check. Reminding myself that I'm physically strong and fit and healthy, and can still be that regardless of my fertility struggles.

And finally - I remind myself every day that this is just a chapter, and regardless of the outcome, it WILL end. I'm a bit older than you at 40, so realistically it's just a few years left for us. Which is scary, but also relieving in a way. This helps me in a few ways - reassurance that however hard it is now, that's going to end someday and I'll be so resilient from this journey that I'll be able to cope with the grief if things don't work out to plan. And it also makes me determined to approach this chapter with as much hope, love and positivity as I can muster. I struggle to hope sometimes, but if i'm only doing this for a few years - I may as well go all out, right? I may as well dream about my baby, visualise it all working out, advocate for myself and do everything that I can during this time.

Thank you so much for responding to me @wonderingwonderingwondering I really appreciate it :) You offer some really good advice. I’ll look up those podcasts for sure. I used to be really active running etc before starting IVF but now I feel too weak physically to do much.. I’m already in therapy and it helped me overcome my fears and start IVF but I feel like I’ve now unlocked lots of new fears about the future that will take time to work on :( I’m sorry to hear about your fertility struggles it breaks my heart. You sound really resilient and this makes such a difference 🍀

I am sorry you are going through this. IVF is a hard hard process and it only works on the first cycle for very very few people. I wish clinics told people that. I remember the devastation I felt when my first cycle was a bust.

if you find the strength to continue, I would do so, you are still very young. But keep in mind that it could be a longer journey.

clinics see the first round as a trial round, as there’s no way to know how you would respond to meds.

and yes, I definitely recommend therapy. It helped me and my partner immensely. We were so depressed and crushed.

Thank you @contentsmayb we did get carried having 3 blasts from 4 eggs and thought it would work first time. How naive we‘be been. You’re absolutely right that it doesn’t often work first time. But as you say IVF is really hard and I’m wondering how can I find the strength to resume everyday life, let alone do another round. I admire you for continuing despite how you felt!

Hi OP, like the others said you do find the strength. And you do forget about the struggle when you get your miracle. Therapy helped me loads too and also talking to friends who were going through IVF too. Just taking it a day at a time helps. Maybe give yourself a break/go away for the weekend if that’s possible and then do another transfer. I don’t see why you’d need to bank more embryos when you are still quite young (I got 4 when I was 35, froze 3). And actually 3 blasts out of 4 eggs is really good, so that’s a small victory in itself even if the first round didn’t work. All it takes is 1 and it may well be your next transfer!

to put things in perspective, I had 13 eggs collected and one didn’t stick and the rest didn’t survive. No eggs left in the freezer or anything. Had to start fully from scratch. And one more time after that. So that’s a tough journey and in my experience that’s what most people have to go through.

i definitely think it’s helpful to talk to friends who have had ivf or try to make new friends through your clinic or on here even!

you got this!!!

Hi breakfastoats

Have you had counselling from the ivf clinic ?

Im in my 30s but a fair bit older than you.

Youve got this.

We are part way through our first round..

We are awaiting pgta testing..

Re amh - my friend has low amh - after failed ivf - shes now preg naturally

Dya mind me asking a few questions ?

Has your nhs gp recently tested your feretin , b12 and vit d ?
.
Are you celiac or - have you recently had celiac ruled out ?

Have you read / heard of the book - it starts with an egg ?

My advice and its obviously just my opinion
But if they haven't already recently been done..

Id talk to nhs gp

Explain whats gone on

Ask them to test

Vit d
Feretin
B12
Thyroid
Prolactin
Crp
Celiac
.
If they ask why - say youve read the book- it starts with an egg
( and your trying to get a fuller picture before potentially next ivf )

My friend was infact celiac
And also needed her feretin sorting.

Those tests helped her
They are due in sept now

Thanks @Frenchie86 my consultant also used to say it only takes one before doing our first cycle and now he switched to saying we need to increase the number of eggs we collect 😭

That’s tough @contentsmayb I read so many stories of brave women here. I need to find the strength and do some more tests before another transfer but honestly not sure what would be next if none of the embryos stuck!

Thanks @worldwidetravel2017 I haven’t had my prolactin or vitamins d tested. I didn’t know about the crp and celiac tests but the rest came back normal. I’ll check these out. Glad things worked out for your friend!

It’s totally up to you but I don’t know why he’s pressuring you, especially given your age? I know some people do bank embryos and I can see the benefit of it but we didn’t. We were unexplained infertility like you. It’s an incredibly draining experience for sure and every time we had a loss or disappointment I thought ‘I can’t do this or I’m not strong enough’ and then I did find the strength after licking my wounds but obviously you are the only one who knows what your limits are and where you’d like to draw a line in the sand x

I feel your pain @BreakfastOats - I think a lot of it for me is the feeling of grief that it’s not as easy as it is for so many people for me and my husband (29f & 33m- TTC for 22 months. Unexplained infertility) and like you said it’s meant to be such a happy time.

My first cycle of IVF failed a couple of weeks ago and unfortunately from the 15 eggs we collected, none made it to blastocysts but they transferred two slow growing embryos with no success- never did we think we would get to this point, no blasts let alone IVF!

It’s heartbreaking and the idea of going through it all again just exhausts me and leaves me feeling so weepy at times. But if someone said to me that they guarantee me getting pregnant and having a baby I’d keep going through it time and time again- it’s just the fact that it might not ever work.

I have no words of advice as such, but all I can say is I fully understand your pain and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Sending lots of love 💗

I’d love to know @Frenchie86 , I’ve been upset since I went to that appointment I want to forget about it. At times I’m trying to convince myself that this is all for a reason and that I’m not meant to be a parent but days like today when everyone’s out in the sun with their chubby babies and toddlers I look at them and think that this is what I want. Surely it’s not impossible for me 😞

So sorry to hear what you’re going through @MissEmily5 That’s just devastating, especially at such a young age. The uncertainty of it all is so painful. You invest so much in the process but you know so little after. I’d love for someone to tell me what is going on and what my chances are. Thank you for your message it’s nice to think that there is a community of women who understand each other and feel for each other ❤️

It’s not impossible, it sounds like you aren’t ready to give up yet deep down and so you will find a way. The lady who does my acupuncture once said to me everyone she’s treated ended up having their baby, one way or another, and I found that comforting. Sending all the love

@BreakfastOats the first time it doesn’t work hits the hardest (well in my experience) I was having panic attacks in the shower over thinking what if this never works for us. I went through 2 rounds of IVF with 6 transfers in total before one worked and before that none implanted at all I had 5 failed transfers. By the 5th I stopped even going for the blood test for the result I was so over it. But it never stopped me trying to find a way for it to work. It’s incredibly hard and you have to advocate for yourself. These clinics will tell you it’s a numbers game and just try again without making any adjustments or giving you any reason for why it hasn’t worked. Partly because they don’t know and partly because you’re just a number to them and they just do a one size fits most approach. You definitely have days thinking what’s the point but the desire for it to work can pull you through those trenches. I wish you nothing but luck and hope and please try to be strong. I’ve seen so many others like myself get there when they thought there was no hope and it can just be a matter of finding out what works for you. Some very positive feedback on this post that I needed to see when I was in those trenches.

@BreakfastOats I should add it was doing the PGT testing that led us to finding our successful embryo. Something the NHS clinic wouldn’t cover and nobody really recommended it to us especially as our embryos were already frozen. It cost about £5k but narrowed down 6 embryos to 2 and the first one of those we tried worked so in our case it definitely was worth not having more failed transfers. It took us 5 transfers of let’s just see if the next one works, let’s add in more drugs and see if the next works before we actually just scaled it all back tested the embryos and let my body just decide which it did.

Sorry to hear @BreakfastOats . We are the same age and am my doc advised just transferring first because if one works we will still be young enough to do more ivf for a second baby. We are gonna use up our embryos before we do another round. Good luck!

also second what @Nk11 said that the first time it fails is the hardest. I’m on my fourth transfer and am much more relaxed about each failure now.

@Frenchie86 Thank you so much, it’s nice to hear you got support from your acupuncturist. What they said is very comforting indeed x

5 failed transfers sounds incredibly hard @Nk11 I’m glad the next one worked and thank you for sharing your story. Having a low AMH I’m really worried about the embryos not surviving the process of genetic testing as we don’t have many! We paid for IVF privately and we’d pay for genetic testing as well but we’re too scared! 😞The thought of doing another IVF round from scratch seems like a nightmare right now! I know not all embryos are healthy and not all healthy embryos implant but after everything my consultant said I’ve internalised the idea that something’s wrong with me and not the embryo :/ I appreciate you commenting! x

Sorry you’re going through this :( @SamVan The advice from your dr sounds sensible to me! I hope your fourth transfer is the lucky one 🍀 Did your dr say anything about why the transfers might not have worked? It’s a thought that’s torturing me these days! x

@BreakfastOats thank you! I hope so too! No they don’t know but it’s probably just abnormal embryos. I’ve never had a known euploid embryo transferred and embryo abnormality is the most common reason for failures. I see it as our body doing quality control rather than failing to work which makes it easier to accept.

Thanks @SamVan that’s a nice way of looking at it. There’s so many experimental practices and tests it’s a rabbit hole once you read about all that it’s difficult to come out x 😅

It's so hard isn't it. I went into fertility treatment very naïvely (same sex couple) thinking it would work early on as all of the pretreatment tests came back good, regular cycles, young age of 27 when we started etc. 6 rounds of failed IUIs later (having to pick myself up every time and carry on) I thought well surely IVF will be the fix. In the first IVF round it was all looking great, they collected 24 eggs and 19 were mature, looked good quality. Then the next day we get the phone call to say that none of them had fertilised. Absolute shock to us and the clinic. Then had to decide if that was it or I'd keep going. Something in me said try one more round. With some tweaks the next round I got 24 eggs again, 21 mature, 10 fertilised (so still a lower rate but much better) and 7 blasts. The first fresh transfer failed. Then I'm thinking well we got over a hurdle of failed fertilisation but what if I can't carry etc. Thankfully the following transfer (frozen) worked and now I'm 25 weeks pregnant.

I look back and think how the hell did I keep pushing on especially after that failed fertilisation round when I thought that was it for me. I know it's not as much as some people go through but I definitely struggled a lot. But so so glad I somehow found the strength to keep going as it was so worth it.

Sending you lots of strength and good luck 💕

Congratulations @strawberrylaces12 I’m sorry you had to go through all that. We did 6 rounds of Letrozole with the trigger shot to get more eggs released each month and increase chances but that didn’t work. It was devastating month after month thinking what is wrong why is it not happening. This is why we moved to ICSI - my husband has low morphology although the embryologist told us they don’t usually do ICSI with his parameters but IVF - we insisted and got a good fertilisation rate but I’m thinking what if I can’t carry. I never got a single positive pregnancy test in my entire life :/ It’s great that you persevered and for your miracle! Can I ask was your fet natural or medicated? x

Thank you yeah it's really difficult isn't it. I did a couple of medicated IUIs which didn't work. Both of my IVF rounds were ICSI too which is why with the first one we were so shocked. Unfortunately the failed fertilisation round was our only NHS funded one too after having to self fund the 6 IUIs (due to being a same sex couple) and then the second IVF round and the transfer. It's cost us around 20k which added to the pressure etc of it all. But so worth it now! The frozen one was completely natural (no progesterone supplements). I knew I had decent progesterone from previous testing with IUIs etc. But they also tested it on transfer day and thankfully it was the highest I'd ever had it (50.7 and they wanted anything over 30) so that was good. Do you know if your next one would be natural or medicated?

@strawberrylaces12 Yes it’s all worth it absolutely 🎉 The dr told me that a natural fet is too risky and that he doesn’t want me to ovulate before the transfer. He said there’s a high cancellation rate with a natural fet :/ He wants to give me a weeks worth of estrogen tablets, progesterone pessaries and injections. :/

@BreakfastOats I had a natural cycle transfer cancelled because they weren’t confident with when I ovulated even though I rang when I had the positive ovulation test it just didn’t seem right with what the scans were showing and when they scanned me they said they thought I had ovulated. They said it was too risky to waste a tested embryo so had to cancel and wait another 2 months to go again with a medicated transfer which worked! I was gutted when we had to cancel really stressed me out had my hopes up. Kick myself for those 2 months I could have been ahead now but I’ll never know whether it was just not meant to be like that. I was always adamant as well that natural would be best for me due to my cycle but turns out it wasn’t what worked in the end.

@n11 Congratulations :) Did they not do a blood test for your LH levels? I’m a bit confused about the lack of bloods in ivf in the UK. Estradiol and LH levels seem to be checked a lot in other countries throughout the cycle :/

I also read today that it’s best to freeze all embryos and give your body time to recover before a transfer. Had I had a suspicion about that before I’d wait before the transfer!

My consultant wants / wanted my body to have a little rest b4 transfer