IVF Longhaulers TTC #1 35+

[charja100]

Any other IVF long haulers out there?

I started IVF two years ago after 4 years TTC. 3 ECs and 6 transfers later were still TTC #1. I’m now 40. Watching all the threads progress and I’m so happy for every positive as it gives me hope, but filled with heartache when it inevitably fails.

I guess I’m looking for a tribe who understands how hard it is to pick yourself up after every fail and keep going when all the odds seem to be against you…. Anyone else out there going through / has been through this awful experience?

Not totally but TTC 9 years
One failed cycle - nothing in freezer - last year
Lots of things going on keep pushing back second cycle but hopefully going in September

Am 36

took me way longer than expected to get over the failed fresh transfer and losing the other four embryos in the same week

Oh it’s so shite

Yup feel like I’ve been doing this forever. 7 years TTC, 4 years since started IVF, 7 egg collections, 4 transfers, 1 embryo left which we’ll transfer later this year then I think we’ll call it a day. We’ve always been good at staying resilient and picking ourselves up after every disappointment but it’s getting harder.

HI ladies sorry to find you on this thread with me.

@FlutteryButtery2I’m so sorry your fresh failed and you lost your other four. Were they lost through testing or another way? I don’t think anything can prepare you for the grief of every failure. I found one of my hardest cycles to recover from (apart from miscarriage) was from my first round of egg collection and what should have been transfer #3. But on way to clinic they called me to say my cycle was cancelled as my embryo was “lost” they couldn’t find any evidence of it from the thaw. Of all the failures that one hit me hard as it was such a shock I went from being on such a high to such a low. It was our last embryo from the round. It was all over, now I had to wait to start again… so I can imagine how you must have felt or might be feeling. I think you can try to prepare yourself for other stages sometimes a little. Although obviously hurts and is disappointing when it doesn’t happen. I hope there are no more nasty surprises and second cycle is a success for you.

@TakeMeOnATrip you are a trooper 7 EC is a lot, emotionally and physically. I understand how each time there’s a failure it chips away at the resilience. I’ve always been a really strong person, however I find I just don’t have the strength or fight in me that I used to anymore. All I want is an easy life these days. I also find it really hard to be positive before each round these days. It’s like I already know it’s probably not going to work. It’s so sad. There’s no positivity in anything.

What do you both do to help keep yourselves happy and distracted? Have you found ways to fulfill life in other ways? X

i know exactly what you mean @charja100. Chipping away is such a good phrase to describe how it feels after so long! Don’t want to sound like a total downer but at the moment there is no distraction or fulfilment. Work keeps me occupied for a bit, I try to exercise regularly and enjoy spending time with friends and family but it’s always there. We’ve been doing this for so long now and it takes up so much headspace it feels like a big part of who I am now. I’m sure if it doesn’t work for us it will be difficult but we will manage to put together a good life, it will just be very different to the one we wanted. Right now, it’s nice not to have to face up to that and to have the hope that it might work but as you say, it’s hard to be positive when you have so little confidence that it will work.

Long term IVFer here! 4 egg collections, 6 transfers (4x bfn 1 chemical and 1 MMC) oh and an added bonus of TWO natural pregnancies in the space of 4 months however BOTH turned out to be ectopic and I've now had BOTH tubes now removed. Currently recovering from surgery from my second. Couldn't get a bigger kick in the teeth than that. 5 years on this journey, very close to throwing in the towel but have 1 frostie left from last cycle, convinced they are a bad batch though.

@charja100 They just said they’d stopped developing overnight day 5 - d6
No explanation or any suggestions just that it happens 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi to the long haulers! I’m in year 6, had 3 ivf transfers resulting in an ectopic and 2 miscarriages and then a further natural miscarriage and then an endometriosis diagnosis and then a further failed transfer after that. Exhausting. Just about to do another transfer but questioning how much I can keep going. It’s so hard when you really want something but you are also so fed up of the process. I also just feel sad that my life isn’t where I thought it’d be, equally I’m also sort of accepting that. Sending love to you all!

Hi all, long hauler here I suppose, 8 years of TTC, 3 years IVF 3 collections 4 transfers, 1 chemical 1 miscarriage before 12 weeks, I have one frozen and super scared to use it age 40 so this I'm assuming will be my last go and was around 18 last time but will be lower now, never thought in my wildest dreams it would take this long and be this hard

Can I join, I'm not quite 35 but will be in a couple of months. Been ttc for 5 years. We had our first round of IVF in June 2023 which resulted in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. In December 2023, I had another egg collection and fresh fresh transfer which ended with a chemical pregnancy. Then two frozen transfers in 2024 - BFNs. Then another egg collection December 2024, 20 eggs collected and 0 fertilisation. Just gearing up for another egg collection now with the Evewell and waiting for my period to start although we will do PGTA testing this time round (if we actually manage to get any embryos, that is!). So hard to stay positive and believe we'll actually get a baby at the end of all this. All my friends are either pregnant or have kids too so feeling really lonely and left behind 😭. And so very bitter and angry. Not sure how much more failure I can take tbh.

Sorry to hear of your journeys.
@FancyGoose i am also at the evewell now too (sitting in here as we speak!). I totally relate to the friends situation, many of my friends now have 7 and 5 year olds, and I still can’t get past the first trimester. It’s so rubbish and I am feeling super isolated at the moment.

How have you found the evewell so far? Is it the harley street one? It's my first cycle with them but so far I've liked them. I'm heading in for my baseline scan tomorrow as my period finally came today. Hope your appointment this AM went well! It's such a lonely experience isn't it, feel like I am just losing all my friends as we're in such different places and I can't bear to see them/hear about their pregnancies and kids while I am just stuck still. Wish I could be a bit less bitter but it's so hard!

@FancyGoose ive found it really good.
I was at the agora in Brighton, near where I live where I did 3 rounds, but had 3 losses, then I was at the ARGC for 2 egg collections and then they were giving me drugs for my high immune markers which just weren’t budging and so I did some research and found Colin Davis at the evewell as I was suspicious that I had endo. He did a lap for me in November and I did have endo so he took it out (for now), my first transfer after that at the evewell in Feb failed but even so I feel that he has been the most considered consultant I’ve had. I prefer the pace of the evewell compared to the ARGC which I found a bit too much. It’s a minefield!
I totally agree with friends, I feel the same, like I’m starting to lose people a bit, I’ve got some friends really enjoying family life and their weekends are packed with stuff and I just feel like a lemon. My husband and I were always super social and hosted a lot but I can’t bare to host bbqs with everyone else’s kids running round in my garden and then I also put pressure on myself for being selfish. It’s so hard, I totally get it. If you ever fancy a coffee near the evewell, feel free to DM me.

@Ems123456789 no way, I also had a couple of rounds at the Agora too! We were only entitled to two as we had done a previous private round with ABC IVF. I thought all the staff there were really lovely but obviously didn't get the results we wanted. So sorry to hear you had three losses - I've had a couple through IVF too and it's absolutely devastating. Really glad to hear you've had the endo removed and are feeling listened to at the Evewell. I'm with Dr Jujilia who seems good but early days. Do you have frozen embryos left over or are you doing another fresh cycle? And yes, absolutely - would love to grab a coffee, will PM you!

No way you were at the Agora too @FancyGoose. I live in Hassocks.
I have got some remaining frozen embryos. Are you doing fresh? Great re the coffee, I’ll wait to hear from you.

@Ems123456789 great that you have some frozen embryos left. yes fresh for me, started my stims weds. Great, have PM'd you! I'm a bit of a mumsnet novice so hopefully I've done it right but let me know if you can't see anything!.

oh I am so glad I have found this thread, it’s so lonely when you’ve got to this point!
@charja100i recognise your username, I think we have been on a previous thread together that filled up?

I have had

4 egg collections
2 FETs
1 mock cycle for ema/alice/era
3 cancelled cycles (2 due to thin lining, 1 due to cyst)

My husband has obstructive azoospermia and has had 2 micro tese surgeries to extract sperm.

In total we have had 5 embryos transferred, all BFN and last FET was a chemical pregnancy, which was our first ever BFP and hit me hard.

It’s been exactly 2 years or near back to back IVF, one year of investigations before that and one year of trying naturally before that.

Officially sick of eating healthy, stuffing myself with supplements and pomegranate juice and f*ck right off now.

Think I was very close to a mental breakdown last week but my husband help pull me out of it.

We have 2 frozen embryos and I’m not sure of our next steps if those two fail.

Sorry for the typos, literally typing this on the way home from my cancelled FET. Obviously I meant pomegranate juice CAN f*ck right off. Sick of the stuff

@Ems123456789

‘I also just feel sad that my life isn’t where I thought it’d be, equally I’m also sort of accepting that.’

This is exactly what I am struggling with and what I feel has made me feel like I am on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I think I am still bitter, resentful and upset that my life right now isn’t what I had planned. I am struggling to accept this. I should have 2 children by now and be done. That was what I had always planned out.. and I am such a planner!

And on top of that, if by some miracle we do get pregnant (which I would be eternally grateful for) it is also then accepting that child will be an only child, which wasn’t something in my ‘plan’ either.

Basically no matter what happens now life will not be as I had always dreamed of. I am somehow still holding onto that previous life I had imagined.

I had a conversation with my husband at a really low point last week and he said he thinks I need to grieve and let go of that previous life and plan, because that’s not the hand we’ve been dealt. This really resonated with me as I didn’t really think about it in this way until he said that.

So I’m trying to work on myself right now in terms of accepting that the life I had planned hasn’t happened, and I need finally accept that and to accept something different.

I Am not sure just HOW I am going to accept this. I suppose just dedicate time to self reflection? I debated writing a letter to myself but I’m not sure. Perhaps now I have realised it, time will just help to heal.

It really is so tough. Especially seeing friends live out the dream with their easily conceived children.

So sorry @lemons44 to hear about your journey and your news of another failed FET, where are you cycling?. It’s so tough. I think there is so much truth in what your husband has said. A therapist once said to me that the bitterness and anxiety is often caused by a mix of burn out and unprocessed grief. I think when there’s back to back rounds it starts building up, but it’s hard because you know you aren’t getting any younger so feel that pressure too. It’s such a difficult situation to navigate.
When my last round failed, my husband also said to me perhaps there is a degree of acceptance here. And I felt like for the first time I agreed, I’ve fought so much and whilst I’m not giving up I am so tired of seeing myself as a problem to fix and going at the pace I have been.
I Also hear you on all the healthy eating/supplements etc etc. It takes over everything.
I think if my next transfer doesn’t work, I will take a break as I can see it’s impacting my mental wellbeing.

Hi, I just wondered if anybody else who has had multiple IVF/FETs etc has been experiencing issues with brain fog and forgetfulness? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worried about early onset dementia but I think it’s because of all the crazy hormones. I’m in a break between FET attempts but feel like my body is now trying to get back to normal hormones and honestly my brain fog is BAD. Just wondered if anybody else is experiencing this

Hi @Ems123456789i am with CRGH Great Portland. I am happy there but it is quite expensive. How about u? Your therapist sounds good. Have you found it has helped you? I’ve still not had any therapy relating to this journey. I am scared of opening that can of worms. I genuinely think I have some sort of IVF related PTSD and just keep squishing it down whilst I push forward. I know I can’t keep doing it forever though.

Just checking in with you all. I had a full blown mental breakdown today. Absolutely trashed my bedroom then collapsed on the bed having a panic attack and crying. Got up, tidied my bedroom and the mess I’d made and put a smile back on my face to carry on my day. God IVF is hard. Hope you’ve all had better days.

Didn’t want to read and run @lemons44 but nothing helpful to add other than to say I hope you’re feeling better today.

Hi all,

I thougth I would join this thread as this forum is like therapy for me (I would love to do a real therapy but for now need to save money for more IVF).
It’s nice to be able to share with other people who are going through similar hurdles, as all my friends have children now and have no fertility issues.

I am 35, but with the ovarian reserve of a 45 year old. We have been trying for years now, and have been doing IVF for a year, with 3 ECs and 2 fresh transfers so far.

I am really frustrated that the NHS made us wait 2 years for a referral. We knew my partner had MFI and I had a blocked tube but we still had to wait for 2 years. It’s only once we got referred to the fertility clinic that they tested my AMH levels. I feel like if I had tested it earlier I would not have waited for IVF funding as I have now lost years that I will never get back.

Our NHS funded IVF cycle was successful, I had a fresh transfer and we managed to freeze 2 embryos, but unfortunately it ended in a MMC.

We did another cycle earlier this year, privately this time as we have used our NHS funding, got one embryo, did a fresh transfer and it ended again in a MMC.

After a lot of reflection we decided to try IVF in Prague as we now want to do PGT-A and do a couple of cycles of embryo banking, and can’t afford 15K per cycle.

I have done my first cycle in Prague and learnt today that we have one blastocyst, that has been sent for PGT-A.

My AFC has drastically declined from 6 in January to 3 now, and my right ovary that was initially my dominant ovary has stopped producing follicles. With such small numbers of follicles and MFI, it’s really a struggle for us to make blastocysts, and I am afraid that the Doctor will soon recommend donor eggs, but I am just not ready for that yet.

Part of me is thinking we are pouring money down the drain for such a low chance of success, but another part of me is just not ready to give up!

Hi ladies, hope you don’t mind me joining, feeling so down today. Found out Friday that I have no blastocysts to show from my 4th egg retrieval (collected 9 eggs but nothing made it). Seemed to feel ok over weekend but woke up feeling really hopeless today and then period started just to hammer it home! Just to add insult to injury there’s baby photos going round my work chat today too as a colleague just had a baby.

I hope you are feeling a bit better @lemons44 ? I can relate to that feeling!

As this is our second round with no blasts at the end, I’m starting to think this is not going to work for me. I’m 41, We don’t have any more rounds, and only one blast from Nov sent for PGTA testing. Trying to accept that I might just not have my own children but it seems quite bleak looking ahead. Also have unhelpful thoughts such as I should have done this or that eg. Started trying earlier, frozen eggs at 20 etc! As if that’s going to help me now. I’ve found journaling helps and getting outside, but that’s about it as struggle to talk to people about it as so many people say the wrong thing and make me feel worse.

Anyway not sure if any of that resonates, just wanted to say we are all not alone in this and it’s really hard 😞 x