Please can you just sit with me

[TheQuietestSpace]

Today is the lowest lowest day in my entire IVF journey to this point.

First cycle - live baby. 5 subsequent cycles - two miscarriages, rest just didn't work. This one, now 5dp5dt and test is negative this morning.

I KNOW it's early, I know there's potentially still time etc but I also obsessively and thoroughly know all of the facts around when it should turn positive dependant on what test etc. These are the Boots FRER equivalents. Negative 3dp, 4dp and now 5dp.

I have cried to the point of making myself sick all day. I had to sit down outside the car outside softplay and dry heave into a drain whilst my poor daughter told me it was going to be okay. I have done EVERYTHING to get to this point. Embryos are A grade, PGT-A tested, I'm taking extra progesterone, doing iron, b12, every supplement under the sun, probiotics, this time I've started steroids too (prednisolone). Embryo was fully alive, hatching, perfect. Transfered into exactly the right spot, everyone was falling over themselves to tell me it was a perfect transfer. They're all as desperate as I am. So why WHY am I not pregnant.

Please just sit with me, I need people who understand. I'm a shell of myself, I have decimated my life and my marriage and our finances and I'm still not pregnant.

Please, I feel so broken

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.I feel your pain.3 failed cycles since I had my daughter and 2 miscarriages.I don't want to get your hopes up but I see the faintest of lines in your 5dpt test.x

Hi OP, I’m so sorry to read this. Those lows in IVF are the hardest of times in life. I realise you won’t be able to do this right now but eventually I believe you will reach a point of acceptance with whatever happens. You have a live birth which is amazing and something most of us are still chasing.

I, like you, have tended to always have the 5 day FRER timescale in my head but I’m sure you know that is it so early to test. So it’s really not over yet.

If you can, try to do literally anything to take your mind off it, watch a film, do a jigsaw etc.

I will never know, but I had a ‘perfect’ transfer like you that was a BFN last year and I’m convinced it was my stress and anxiety that influenced the outcome.

Wishing you well whatever happens. Be kind to yourself.

Please don’t give up yet OP. Urine pregnancy tests are not always perfect - false negatives are possible even on the official test day & it’s still very early days for you. Sending you my very best wishes. Take care of yourself ❤️

Have you sought counselling? You can throw money and vitamins etc and hope and pray for eggs and embryos but you and your mental wellbeing should come first. Especially if it’s affecting your marriage and child.

@TheQuietestSpace I am so sorry. Life truly is unfair sometimes. If you're in a dark place please do reach out and speak to your family and/or friends, as well as a professional. You don't have to go through this alone. After my third cycle I was in a very bad place. I had counselling which helped me get back on my feet, as well as giving my body a rest from all the hormones.

You should never have to go through this process alone x

I see it too.

Good luck OP, it’s an awful thing to go through and I’ve everything crossed for you!

Thank you all for being there. @Lozzy000 and @ivfjourneyandme I've done therapy with every cycle that I've done, so I'm well into double digits of therapy hours but it's just not a solution, is it? I just want it to work the way they say it should work and for everyone to stop saying that it will be fine because my body already carried a child which patently is not turning out to be true.

Think I'm feeling so utterly hopeless because there isn't anything else left to do now. I've tried everything. So do I just keep throwing embryos back in and letting my body destroy them until we run out? I'm exhausted from the fight 😭

@Noname34 and @Firefly42 I think i see it too but it definitely didn't come up in the time limit and it's totally colourless in real life. I'm sure it's just an indent. The Boots test reviews have plummeted recently so I'm expecting it's just a duff stick with a nasty indent. Spent £50 on proper FRERs which are coming tomorrow but feel like just sending them back and accepting defeat.

Sorry to be so woe is me. I'm grateful to be around you all x

This is heartbreaking, sending hugs.

@TheQuietestSpace I’m so so sorry to hear you had such a low and painful day yesterday, it sounds like everything you’ve been through so far and the fear of the outcome of this current round completely consumed you and became all too much ❤️ it’s so so hard when it’s something you dream of and want so deeply. How are you feeling today?
I’ve had two failed FETs so far, and have my third FET tomorrow, so I really understand and appreciate how dreadful and daunting the tww is. I’m feeling sick at the thought of doing a test next week! I think all we can do is take it a day at a time, or even just an hour at a time. You got through yesterday which was really tough, so you can get through today. Wishing you so much luck, I understand your loss of hope already, but it honestly is still early to test, there’s still a chance. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you xx

Thank you so much all.

Today's test is super super feint. So feint. But there is a line and it has colour.

I feel totally numb today. I'm so grateful for the space to talk about it here. Thank you all for sharing your journeys with me.

Definitely see a line! 😄

Sending you love @TheQuietestSpace it's an awful journey. I can also see the line in 5dp, todays looks even better, wishing you all the luck xx

I see a line too! Everything crossed for you 🤞🍀. Sounds like you are getting FRERs today so hopefully this shows the same. They’re expensive but I believe worth it in my experience.

Yay that’s looking really promising! There’s definitely a line there! 🥰

FRER today seems reassuring but a bit flattened by the Boots test not appearing to be darker than yesterday. But I know urine concentration etc can make a difference. Argh.

Mostly managing to stay zen and just take one day at a time. Today I am pregnant.

Really good news OP. My test line was no darker than your Boots tests on my official test day & despite freaking out at the time & feeling certain that I was having (another) chemical pregnancy, I’m now 18 weeks pregnant. Keeping everything crossed for you.

i feel like the boots one does look darker! As you say, today you are pregnant and hopefully you are managing to get some joy from that in such a stressful situation!

This morning's tests, I felt quite overcome by anxiety this morning before peeing on the sticks but I think they are actually okay! Today I am pregnant. Thank you all so much for being alongside me, I'm isolated in lots of ways in real life as infertility has stripped so much from me so I'm really grateful for this little Internet community of wonderful women.

Those all look like clear positives to me 😀Today you are most definitely pregnant.

Infertility is horrible & affects life to a much greater extent than people think. I am also really thankful for an online community of people that truly get it.

Keeping everything crossed for you

So... still going okayish. I think. I was hopeful for a 'dye stealer' this morning but not sure I'm quite there yet.
Tomorrow is my clinic's official test date so from tomorrow I'm going to test on the clearblue numbers one on Mondays and Thursdays.

Feeling very wobbly going into this week as I've done this twice now where I tell the clinic I'm pregnant, pay for more medication and book a scan, then miscarry and have to ring to cancel it all. I know there's nothing I can do to change the outcome but it's extra painful when you have to ring and tell people it's failed.

@TheQuietestSpace really nice progression. Wishing you all the sticky baby dust x

Hopefully this will be the embryo that makes it all the way! Wishing you so much strength on this journey. When are you booking a scan for? Is it the 8 week scan?

Thank you so much, I really hope so! A lot of cramping today, choosing to hope it is settling in and not escaping.

The ivf clinic will scan me sometime around 6/7 weeks and then discharge if all is okay. Feels like an absolute lifetime away from here!!

Oh my goodness I remember the waiting it really does feel like forever doesn't it! Having said that I think my clinic only does an 8 week scan😅so your lucky with your 6/7 can you push for it as early as possible like 6 weeks rather than 7? And my advice would be lots if distraction between now an then. I know easier said that done! Wishing you lots of sticky baby glue! 💚