Partner no longer wants to do IVF

[Natw22]

3 failed IVF cycles in 12 months has really taken a toll on both me and my partner. After a few months break I'm ready to start a 4th cycle but my partner says he no longer sees the point and he doesn't want to get into a 'just one more cycle' type of situation.
I just don't know what to do. 5 years TTC, never seen those 2 lines. I know it's not as long as many others but I feel natural conception just isn't a possibly. We have tried different IVF protocols but the outcome is always BFN. Obviously IVF is no guarantee but it might give us a chance and I feel if we don't try we are just accepting our future will be childless.
Anyone had to deal with anything similar?

My DH wanted to give up after 2 cycles and 3 FET in 12 months - I wasn't ready to - who pays for the treatment or do you split it equally? The first 2 cycles we remortgaged for so technically we both paid 50/50 - but to continue with more cycles we decided that I would I take a bank loan out (I'm the much higher earner) for a 3 cycle multi package which I pay for myself. We agreed to do them all back to back though so that egg collections could be over within 3 months - don't think it was necessarily all about the money why DH wanted to stop but I guess I do have more "say" if you like when it comes to things like that because I'm the main earner which makes it harder if you aren't x

@bonetiredwithtwins we split equally and have similar salaries we're in the same field of work. It's not the money for him, he says he doesn't like seeing me go through it only to fail and doesn't see what else we can try in terms of treatment.
Thanks for the reply x

I'm sorry to hear this. Have you done any further tests to understand why your embryos aren't implanting? What has your embryo quality been like?

What has your clinic suggested about next steps?

I'm in a different situation to you, but my dh and I have spoken about how much longer we'll do this and that's helped give us boundaries. X

@VenusStarr thank you. Yes had laparoscopy and endometrial biopsy all ok. Partner has low motility and morphology testicular scan normal. We get a good number of eggs and fertilisation but poor quality embryos. They have suggested a few options but state these are all experimental and might not actually improve egg quality, and other than icsi which we've already done x3 nothing that can be done for the sperm

Can you tell him that you are emotionally able to do it again more than you are emotionally ready to give up?

@bonetiredwithtwins that's a good idea thanks

@Natw22

I said that to my DH - at the end of the day - and this may sound really really harsh - but I made it quite clear to my DH along with the financing of it - that's it's us women who go through the treatment - the drugs, the invasive scans, the egg collection, the transfer and sadly the miscarriages (I also nearly died from 2 ectopics) - the men get to spend 3 mins in a side room - often with "reading material" Of their choice and a happy ending. If I wanted to carry on then he had little say in it (I admit this may sound awful but I was hormonal and desperate!)

@Natw22 this is such a tough one.My DP was also really keen to have an end point. In his words he didn't want to be "one of those couples you see in the waiting room just going on and on forever".

We have a DD from our second round and to cut a long story short have done various things since including embryo banking and testing. I hadn't factored in that we'd also want to do loads of tests on me before transfer and with various other things it has ended up as a really long road which is exactly what he didn't want.

It has caused a lot of anger and resentment. He doesn't sleep when we're doing a cycle because he's so traumatised by it. I agree with @bonetiredwithtwins that he does practically none of it so I get frustrated that he hates it so much BUT he's entitled to his feelings.

We're between cycles now and he's way happier and things have improved between us. It's given me hope that we will survive this as a couple.

Why am I saying all this? It's really hard. You have to find a balance between doing what you need to do for your own sanity and valuing what your partner wants and needs. You don't want to lose him. But equally you need to make sure you do enough so that, in the worst case scenario IF it doesn't work, you don't have regrets or resent him.

If he's open to talking (my DP isn't!) then it's worth a discussion about it. Tell him you feel ready to cope and you feel you need to keep trying but maybe agree an end point too.

It is also worth looking into a few other treatment options as @VenusStarr says. It's always a good idea to see if you can rule out the reasons why it's not worked in the past.

Best of luck xxx

Have you considered changing clinics?

Also wondering if adopting embryos or using donor sperm would be something to consider?

You clearly haven't given up and being childless for the rest of your life probably will make you mentally even worse...
I agree with @bonetiredwithtwins. Women are the ones who go through all the procedures and injections. Might sound b.tchy but he doesn't have so much say in this... My husband also has 1% morphology. If I agree to torture myself for one more time, I am sorry but he cannot say anything about it.
I don't know how old you are but 3x ICSI is not too much. Some people I know did it 10+ times. I am not saying that you should. I also agree that there should be a reasonable limit and we shouldn't age poorly in clinic corridors... But if you are still young enough and have the energy, why not do more tests and try one more time.
I feel like your husband is a sensitive person from what you said. I am sure you will come to a conclusion if you openly talk about it. Maybe a nice vacation in between will ease the pain & pressure and you guys can find energy to try it one more time 💐

If your husband has low motility and you’re getting poor quality embryos, have you done further testing into his sperm (eg DNA fragmentation)? There’s lots that can be done to improve sperm and therefore embryo quality…

You can take a break of ivf, but at this time I would continue getting tested and possibly taking a second opinion. There are a lot of parameters for infertility and there are ways to improve quality.

Thanks everyone! I am trying to encourage my partner to see a urologist at least. I discussed DNA frag with him but my consultant said there is no point as we will need Icsi regardless. Our first ever SA showed possible infection so partner had antibiotics course then and has also had an ultrasound before we started TTC for a testicular lump, I'm not sure what else the DNA frag could pick up?xx

It’s vaguely similar with us; l increasingly don’t want to do it anymore but he is more motivated than me. Like l pointed out to him, then l do the heavy lifting with the medication, medication side effects, appointments etc. It appears to be more a sperm issue as well, not that lm blaming him but it’s additional frustration that l need to go through all of this. His emotional support has been variable, with him dropping radio silence for 13+ hours during tricky points and when l was feeling particularly unwell. But it is different when you’re the woman in it. I know it’s easier said than done and very personal but when would enough be enough? Would you want to do 1 extra round or want to continue until financially it’s not viable or you’re too old to continue?

I’m not convinced by your clinic’s explanation that nothing more can be done. I think there’s is nothing more they can do, which isn’t the same thing at all. There are other sperm sorting options e.g. MACS, PICSI etc

@Natw22 If you DP has severe sperm damage then there may be medications or even procedures that he can do to improve it in addition to the usual probiotics and lifestyle changes. It really depends on the cause. ICSI, PICSI and other sperm sorting doesn't really help with DNA fragmentation and it can't be "seen" even with a super effective microscope. I was told that my Mr Ramsay who is one of the leading urologists in this field.

I would also look at your clinic as well as others and decide whether you feel they are the best option. They may well be but there are definitely better and worse clinics out there. I've obviously no idea which yours is but always worth considering.

For what it's worth I have done ERA, EMMA, Alice and NK testing and am currently seeing a recurrent miscarriage/immunology specialist. The evidence for many of these things is shaky so I'm not suggesting these are the answers (and there is definitely a rabbit hole of endless add-ons that you can go down) but there are things to try

Best of luck

Xxx

[quote bonetiredwithtwins]@Natw22

I said that to my DH - at the end of the day - and this may sound really really harsh - but I made it quite clear to my DH along with the financing of it - that's it's us women who go through the treatment - the drugs, the invasive scans, the egg collection, the transfer and sadly the miscarriages (I also nearly died from 2 ectopics) - the men get to spend 3 mins in a side room - often with "reading material" Of their choice and a happy ending. If I wanted to carry on then he had little say in it (I admit this may sound awful but I was hormonal and desperate!) [/quote]
I really disagree with this and I think it's actually quite damaging for men to tell them that it is "easy" for them.

My partner has struggled throughout our treatment and if you said this to him, implying that all he has to do is spend 3 minutes in a room for a "happy ending", he would be extremely upset. He absolutely hates that part of the procedure and finds it demeaning and very difficult, but that aside it's certainly NOT all he has to deal with. He struggles emotionally with the whole process just as much as I do.

If either of us wanted to stop then we would have a thorough conversation about it and both people's views would be respected - I don't understand how it can be any other way.

@want2bemum it might not but very easy but it is a lot easier for them though. Quick bit of masturbation. No meds to remember, no side effects from medication, less appointments etc. Everything is relative at the end of the day. I have told my fiancé a number of times l would be loving life if all l had to do was masturbate and pay half. As it stands I have had zero enjoyment out of IVF. Unless you count weight gain and an ovarian cyst rupturing

finds it demeaning

More demeaning than stripping down half naked and having a stranger - or several - at the business end several times a week - vaginal ultrasounds, egg collections, transfers etc?

I'm sorry but it is "easy" for them in comparison to what we go through - any man who thinks it's hard for them too is bigging up their part really. I know for a fact that the Priory provides porn in their side rooms for the men!

Whilst i agree they are also emotionally invested my husband has never had to inject himself several times a day - insert progesterone up the front and back end - deal with hormonal changes, bloating, intrusive scans, literally clenching so you don't wet yourself whilst waiting for a transfer.

I'm pretty sure if men had to go through what we did then no babies would ever be born through IVF as they just simply wouldn't do it

OP. We are on our second IVF cycle and have capped it at 4 cycles. Then we are moving on. I see the failed cycle as a part of the journey in us moving on. So either way - we either get to 4 cycles and have a baby or we say we did what we could and tried and feel emotionally free to leave this journey.

@bonetiredwithtwins well, exactly! It’s not as if they watch him masturbate. During transfers l always think lm going to wee myself (l have an especially tiny bladder -last transfer they told me off for drinking too much, even though l only drank half of what they said ) and the pushing down for the scan makes it a lot worse

@Natw22 your partner does seem to be emotionally invested and finding it difficult, and I wouldn't want to disregard that... but at the same time I wholeheartedly agree with others: IVF is mostly women's business.

My DP had 50:50 say in whether we were trying for children. He never had 50:50 say whether we had IVF as part of trying, because I went through that, it happened to me. He was quite against the idea at first, but I'm glad I pushed ahead. He wanted children, and as the hardship of IVF fell so heavily towards me, I thought the least he could do is go along with it.

I also have to add that on the whole, infertility is also women's business, even when it's male factor. Yes, a man may be desperate for children too, but it's often the woman who finds herself asked about it constantly, on the receiving end of countless comments, gossiped about, left behind socially, bombarded with babies and baby talk from friends etc. It's also women with the ticking biological clock that severely limits our future possibilities.

I will say though that, if after years of many rounds a person wants to move on and try to look positively at a different kind of future, then that's fair. I think that's why it's important to discuss upfront how long you're willing to try and agree a plan together, but I would expect that plan to take into consideration that the woman is more affected.

I do understand both sides. Agree that the physical side of things is all on the woman. However, mentally this can take a huge toll on the relationship ( not thinking or doing anything other than ttc) , watching your partner in pain mentally and physically, being stuck in a rut for years always waiting for the next cycle. My dh used to hold everything together when I was falling apart after losses and failures. I think it’s simplistic to view this as just a physical thing

Thanks for your messages everyone. A lot to think about. We are Muslim and it's our holiest month next month, we will be visiting a few holy sites as well in that time, so my plan is to take a break until then and rediscuss afterwards. My partner has said now he may consider another round in the future so hopefully this gives him a bit more time to come round.

Hi @Natw22

I just saw your post. How did you go?

I'd say that you have to change clinics, sometimes a new clinic gives you better answers. I spent 4 stim cycles in a clinic that didn't give me answers but I didn't know better. Read blogs and articles, learn more and ask many questions to specialist. Sometimes I also give feedback/input on trying new treatments I researched.

I changed clinics and got better results, not there yet but having more answers now. It's a big decision so think it carefully, it's a lifelong one. And you are right, women have the heaviest part on IVF, for them is very easy, when DH complains I remind him so. We also have MFI and that's why it's taking longer than usual; however DH is also determined to have children.

Best wishes on your journey.

Please get a DNA fragmentation test. It drives me crazy when consultants say it doesn’t matter. It does!! It’s so important. We did x2 rounds with no embryos using ICSI. Found out frag was v high and had a variocele embolized and after that starting making AA embryos!!!