Sick of partners lack of support

[NorthSouthcatlady]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in relationships or here? We are in the 2WW after a FET, l don’t feel lm getting the support l want or need from my partner. He said he’s burned out emotionally and he wants me to talk to my friends about it all. Personally l don’t want to do that as they either frame it as it is 100% going to work or say they don’t know what to say. They are all super fertile with 2 or 3 children each, they are the type who is they tried for more than 3 months it was a big deal. I have asked him to remind me to take my medications -4 different medication times and different doses / medications each time. He hasn’t reminded me even once, even before transfer. I’m not really sure what he’s contributing, as emotionally he appears checked out and practically he doesn’t appear to want to do that either. I’ve told him I’ve had enough and quite frankly l hope the transfer has failed. I won’t be doing anymore fertility treatment ever after this and l will be stopping trying full stop. He’s unhappy about me saying all of these things and he’s said lm mean . Claims he’s doing loads to support me but when l ask him to clarify what those things are he isn’t able to say. Since transfer he hasn’t asked even me how lm feeling once

I’m sat here burning up with frustration. I know he will want me to act like nothing has happened (we argued last night about all of this) and will be annoyed if l don’t. We work together and it has been an especially stressful week at work, l have a new manager who has made a few dodgy clinical decisions which impact on me. He has been invalidating about that as well, acting like lm going on about nothing and refusing to talk about that too. I feel totally invalidated and have the urge to bin the medication to end all of this. Who wants a child with someone who is unsupportive and doesn’t have your back?

It sounds like he is going through something as well, from what you've said you'd both benefit from some counselling, either individual or as a couple.

I'm sorry to hear you have a lack of support. People that haven't been through IVF tend to not understand, I only speak to two friends about it, they listen and help me cope rather than talk about outcomes, they are both doctors who don't have children.

I think most men are quite hands off when it comes to medications. I organise all my medications and have a printed off list for what I need to take every day, I keep it in the kitchen where I notice it and cross off the medication when I take it. My partner would be terrible at reminding me.

I'm sorry you feel unsupported

I do think it's hard for partners to understand or empathise with what it's like for us who actually go through the fertility treatment - like anything in life I guess it's hard to truly know unless you've gone through it yourself?. My DH didn't like talking about it either and to be honest over 5 rounds I felt like I just had to get on with it - his sole contribution was his sample on collection day and outside of that rightly or wrongly I knew not to rely on any emotional or physical support from him. I remember screaming at him once that if I could remember to insert various medications in various orifices several times a day the least he could do was remember to take one measly pre conception vitamin. I've always been the strong practical one in our relationship though and maybe he just took that for granted. I don't think it meant that he didn't want it to work any less than me though?
Get through this 2ww and then take stock - be honest with him about what you need from him. If he wants to try again then set out the minimum you want from him in terms of support?

I'm sorry you're not receiving the support you need at such a stressful and lonely time

My partner was very hands off, and we didn't talk at length about any of it. He wanted children but I think he wanted it the fairytale way and was unsure about IVF. To be honest, this didn't bother me too much. I steamed ahead anyway. He's a wonderful partner generally and we have a great relationship, so I just accepted it and got on with it. It had no bearing on his parenting. He just didn't understand the ivf thing, probably felt useless, and I think he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. From reading threads here, that's very common. It doesn't really happen to them. My partner wasn't present at either of my 2 transfers and I was fine with that. I didn't mind minimising the process, for both of us really.

Carry on doing what you're doing and then take stock when you get a result. It matters whether it's only the IVF he's not supportive about and if he's a decent partner otherwise. I'd also consider counselling because resentment is a destructive feeling.

It's so hard and I do think that it's quite common for men / partners to be hands off.

My dh doesn't know all the ins and outs of the treatment and I think that recent covid times haven't helped as they are even more removed from the process. It's surreal for my dh as he wasn't there at transfer, he doesn't know what it's like to have to take lots of medication and injections and the effect that they have on me. No way would I rely on him to remind me to take my meds, I like having my checklist and ticking off when I've done them, that helps calm my anxiety. I have alarms on my phone as well. We have barely spoken about the treatment and subsequent outcome. Some of that is self preservation on both sides, we've been on this journey for a long time and probably in denial.

It isn't that he doesn't care or isn't interested, but it's not happening to them, same as its not happening to friends, so their perception of the impact is different.

This process is really tough ❤️ it's OK to have bad days and find it hard. It's easy to get consumed by it, but maybe try to carve out some time for yourselves as a couple.

It's reassuring to have seen this thread. I posted similar a while ago and one woman said her DH ran her warm baths and gave her gifts so I thought I was unusual with my DH.

Mine's supportive on the most part. There's been a few times I've had emotional meltdowns after a chemical or a pregnancy announcement and he's cuddled me and made sure I'm ok. But on the other hand I think he does think I'm overdoing it. He said the other week that I talk about IVF all of the time. I'd been trying to let him know how our first round would work but he kept walking off and doing other stuff whilst I was speaking. I assumed I needed to repeat it later when he was listening, then he got annoyed and said he had listened.

When I phoned him after my pre-meds check in he was more concerned about how the timelines would fit around his work schedules and didn't ask me how I was or how the appointment had gone. He's also not stopped drinking too much beer in spite of mild MF issues.

But then I have had no issues getting him to go for multiple tests or do IVF or the likes. He said the other week that this was the most emotionally tough thing he's been through. I had totally no clue he felt like that as he seems very relaxed about the whole thing. Maybe it's just some people (men) are different in how they deal with it.

It sucks to say but I totally agree with the above posts. It is true that it's not happening to them. They don't understand the impact it has on our lives or the emotional torment of it all and maybe I'll just take the advice from above of just expecting to manage it myself. My DH has been away this week and it's given me a lot of headspace to relax, drop some of my anxiety around how my body is somehow blocking our happy life as parents together and focus on myself a bit. I feel so much better for it, although I wondered if part of that might be that I'm pumped full of Ovaleap (does Ovaleap make you feel pretty upbeat/emotionally strong?)

@CycleGirl20

Warm baths and gifts!!! Does he have a brother 😂

My DH becomes visibly very uncomfortable when I talk about IVF and the 7 losses we had. Like it's something that should just be forgotten about. But since it wasn't him that physically (and emotionally) didn't go through them I guess that's his way of compartmentalising it all.

Even though our IVF worked and we eventually had twins I joke he wasn't there at the conception. (FET) and missed the birth (covid) and was actually hardly engaged at all during pregnancy. I got the feeling he found it all very weird and uncomfortable. I didn't want to push him but talking to a male colleague when I was moaning about DH once 😂 he said that for majority of men pregnancy and babies is just an abstract concept. Even seeing a pregnancy bump they don't feel what we feel so they don't equate it with an actual baby - their baby - until it actually arrives and the same goes with IVF - it's a process, means to an end, there is little to no emotional investment in it

Hi @NorthSouthcatlady I’m sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I would really try put it out if your mind for the TWW and try focus on yourself. It could be worth looking into counselling together after this if you are holding a lot of anger.

Personally my DH has been wonderful and I think it’s a bit of a cop out to say ‘oh but they’re men’ in a similar way to how you often see ‘oh but DH doesn’t see dirt so he doesn’t clean’ in other threads. You’re going through a very difficult time and the least your DH can do is support you how you want to be supported.

My DH has always done all my injections, collected meds from pharmacy and made sure everything was correct. He calls me in when he’s ready to administer. It’s taken a huge load off me and I haven’t had to worry about this part. He has always been very attentive to me around egg collection and embryo transfer - I had an embryo transfer this week and he went to the shop to buy my favourite treats and made me a hot water bottle and he’s been doing all the cooking. He brought me breakfast in bed this morning while I was lying down after putting a pessaries in etc.

Interestingly I have 2 friends who did IVF after us. When they asked me about it before they started I said DH is responsible for meds and injections and so that’s what they told their husbands and they did the same so it seems when other men are doing it and they see it as being expected of them men are completely capable of stepping up. Just putting this view forward that you don’t need to put up with so little help from your DH as he’s ‘a man’.

@Dochas121

I think it depends on the DH....my DH is not a planner or organiser...wouldn't trust him to organise a piss up in a brewery 😂 I think the stress of letting him do all that for me would tip me over the edge! admittedly I'm a control freak and like to micro manage (my job involves managing hundreds of largely men) so I guess I bring it home to my private life too 😂 - my first injection I told DH to do he - he dithered that much I just grabbed it shot it in and carried on

He did keep a ready supply of chocolate in the fridge though

My dh did all my Ivf meds but only because I was scared of needles and actually felt like my brain was scrambled and I’d do it wrong! It was one less pressure. He also wfh so did all my meals etc
However, in the tww we didn’t really talk about it and after lots of losses I feel he’s not been engaged really with the pregnancy like he was with our first. I did all my meds in tww and onwards and have done that myself, even the injections! He’s scared and hands off , although very supportive in other ways. The tww I just handled myself basically. Do you have to work the whole way through? Can you plan some nice things for yourself? Try not to get angry with him if you can and discuss your needs after tww . Hope it works

Another one here with a hands off husband when it comes to ivf. He's hands on with our child and our life. I think they mostly a) don't get it or how tough it is, and b) it makes them feel insecure particularly when there is male factor, or also guilty as we have to go through all this and they don't.

Mine won't even go to the urologist. Claims they'll just tell him to take the vitamins which he is already doing. I have to research and order said vitamins though, obviously.

It's v frustrating but I try and just get on with it and see the bigger picture!

Others on the thread appear to have better trained partners! I told mine I'll be doing bed rest after my next FET and he will be looking after our child and bringing me supper in bed. He seems onboard so far as these are things in his comfort zone.

Also my husband plans how we are going to pay for the relentless amount of treatment we are having so that's also a weight off to be fair.

@Dochas121 you're very lucky! You're right it sucks to say "oh it's just cos their men..." but it does make me feel a bit better that loads of others feel the same as me! It's hard to balance coaxing DH to drink less, understand my meds, listen to me more Vs feeling that I'm whinging at him. Sometimes it's just better to focus on what he does do like driving me to appointments and taking all the tests or I think I'd go crazy!

I'm pleased to see this too. Mine i want to throttle at the moment. Transfer day is tomorrow for us. But he just doesn't think about the impact of anything? He doesn't think about how I might feel at all. Even when I point it out, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. He is coming for transfer and obviously was there at EC but the rest is pretty much non existent.

He's very much of the opinion it is what it is. He suggested going out for food tomorrow night, rather than tonight which was my suggestion. I said but why would I want to do that? I might feel crap and just want to snuggle up on the sofa. Or if transfer doesn't happen (we won't actually know until tomorrow if any embryos made it to day 5) then do you not think I might be upset and not want to go out or see anyone? He's still suggested it twice since I said that! 🤦‍♀️ He does not acknowledge the physical or mental strains at all.

Awww sorry to hear this, mr partner doated on me (if that’s how you spell it) he did everything from meds to house work, was at every appointment etc couldn’t imagine if he wasn’t so I bet it’s really hard for you
Good luck take care x

My* not mr

I think I might have ticked the double transfer box rather than the single on a form. I asked my partner to remind me so we don't accidentally get twins. His eyes seemed to glaze over. I think it might be going a bit far not to correct it myself to teach him a lesson

@paintfairy how was your transfer? Did your partner get his meal out 🙈

@CycleGirl20 🤣 no he didn't!
So, transfer was fine. I was really pleased we had something. And I've since found out only 1 made the freezer, but I guess I should be thankful i have 1. We are in the middle of sorting the house out for the plasterer coming tomorrow. Terrible timing but it was booked 6 months ago. So he's spent most the weekend doing that and luckily was tired etc. Also we have a dog, so I suggested leaving him dog the fireworks probably wasn't a good idea anyway and it never occurred to me about that before. The dog doesn't actually mind them though.

I think DH did at least feel some connection with the transfer. He was fascinated being able to see the screen etc. Because of course he's been allowed in for nothing until now. So at least he feels part of that and I'm pleased he got to do that. Probably made it more real. I insisted on my McDonald's fries after too! 🤣 But because he's been busy I haven't exactly been waited on. Just carried on as normal really? I'm rubbish at taking things easy though and I have horses to look after so I can't get away with doing completely nothing. He was actually going to come and help me yesterday but he was still busy and I'd have ran out of daylight. So he did half think. 🤣

Glad to hear @paintfairy! I didn't realise you get to see the transfer. I hope we get that too. It might help to connect things together for my DH too

@CycleGirl20 yes. He could see the scan screen. But its also recorded so they played it back again after to see properly. They printed a photo of that and also gave us one of the embryo. And obviously he saw what was going on throughout (he was sat in a corner and not at the bottom 🤣) so I guess then at least it seems more real.

@Gardenlady543 l don’t see the point in counselling, as the counsellor can’t make him step up. He was terrible during round 1 of IVF, disengaged and checked out through most of it. He just dipped in and out when he felt like it. Upped his game for round 2, transfer 1. This was round 2 transfer 2 and he’s pretty much slipped back into his old ways. Plus counselling will be more expense and effort l will resent spending

I don’t see why l have to do everything: taking medication, side effects, procedures etc. All l want is a reminder when my heads all over the place. The irony is the 1st clinic we used left us with the impression it was a sperm issue. So probably not even my fault but lm expected to sort it out

@tiggerwhocamefortea this does sound familiar. We also argued about his vitamin compliance as well. Reluctantly l am continuing with the medication but in all honesty lm willing it to fail. I would only end up on AIBU next year, as one of those women with a baby and a lazy arse dad who is reluctant to do stuff!

@Holskey lm very resentful and l don’t see why l should let go of that. I gave it to him with both barrels in the past so he knows what my expectations are. I think l can do better than the endless appointments, medication side effects, no alcohol, no exercise etc. For a process that often doesn’t work.

@VenusStarr lm trying not to sound judgey but don’t you think you deserve and need more than that from him? Surely it’s happening to us both / you both? I suppose part of the problem with me, is the further we go into this then the less and less motivated l am by it all. Whereas my partner claims he wants it more, l want it less

@CycleGirl20 no gifts or baths here. He claimed l was ungrateful as he made dinner last night. It was his turn as l cooked all day Saturday, so why would l be grateful