Struggling with starting my third round

[Clt1983]

Hi all,

I’m due to start my third round of IVF this week. No identifiable issues but because I’ve only managed to create one embryo each time from my previous cycles despite having 7 and 12 eggs collected respectively, the doctors think it may be an egg quality issue.

This time round we’re doing milder IVF with ICSI to improve our chances but I feel so defeated going into this cycle. I feel like my eggs are no good so this is a pointless and painful exercise and that emotionally I don’t know how many more failed cycles I can stand. I’ve felt ok up until a few days ago but now I’m remembering how painful the failure of the previous cycles were and I almost want to protect myself and not even try even though I know I will. My partner has been great and he’s very supportive but I know how much he wants to be a dad and it breaks my heart that I might be the missing link here that stops it from happening.

It also doesn’t help that due to the world opening back up again and expectations around being in the office etc plus to socialise more, we’ve had to tell more people than we would choose to. Eg my in laws are now being told as we can’t go to a family birthday, my mum wants to come and stay whilst we’re going through it so I’ve had to tell her and other friends and family have events that we can’t commit to so I’m sure they’ll also guess. It feels more pressured now.

Added to that, my partner’s best friend is expecting his first baby through IVF with his wife. She has a large Instagram following and posts about being pregnant repeatedly and has deemed herself the expert on IVF after one round and two transfers and now wants to write a book on her experiences. She has also classed her first failed implantation as a miscarriage which isn’t how I saw my two failed implantations which has stupidly made me feel worse. I don’t follow her now but I know my partner is also struggling with hearing about it all from his friend. Oh and my good friend is now expecting her third baby in three years which I had to find out from a distant friend because she felt awkward telling me which made me feel crappy but at least sparked a conversation about me feeling sad about my own situation doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy for her.

Not really sure if it’s advice I’m looking for or if I just needed to get it all out. I’m tired of trying to be strong and positive. I don’t want to wear pineapples and recite mantras or feel like I’m doing IVF wrong because I can’t make it the very centre of my entire existence because I’m scared of being so hurt again. I just want to feel sad and down and just grit my teeth and get through it. It just makes me feel so shitty that a month from now I can be sat here again with another BFN.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far. I think I just needed to vent today.

Hi @Clt1983

Your post is the same as my current situation. I have no kids & in Sept starting my 3rd round of IVF, we have unexplained infertility & I can never get any blasts, so another long protocol.
I found working from home amazing as I can hide away, basically I have hid away all ofthis year… & probably will continue to until it works. Its sad & lonely but all my friends now have babies & I just cant stand to be anywhere near them.
Im really sorry to hear your going through it too, the only comfort I get is knowing that lots of women on here don't get any success until their 3rd or 4th try & that is actually normal. Im also not looking forward to my next round as I feel its not worked before Ive even started but I try to keep some hope.
Are the doctors making any changes to your protocol? I believe menopur is better for egg quality than Gonal F (didnt make much difference to me), are you taking CQ10?
Good luck for the next round X

Hi @Clt1983

I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling and that you’ve had such a difficult journey. IVF is such a f*cking slog. I’ve read of a number of people on here having much better results from a mild cycle so I hope you have similar success.

Have you considered speaking to a counsellor about how you are feeling? I speak to one (who specialises in fertility) every two weeks and it helps me deal with the frustrations/worries of this process. It’s also useful to speak with someone who isn’t my partner/friend and who I can be completely honest with. I still have my ups and downs but I’ve found it massively helpful.

Hi @GingerBrummie, thank you for your kind message. Yes, changes to my protocol for this one and only taking Menopur (along with Fyremadel from day 6. Past two cycles have also included Menopur but last one was much heavier on the Gonal-F. No known sperm issues but doing ICSI this time to improve our chances. Also taking Q10.

100% relate to not wanting to be around friends with babies. On the day I started cycle 2 we were due to see my nephew. He’s adorable and I love him but the relief I felt when it fell through made me realise how much I’d been having to psyche myself up to get through it.

I really hope your next cycle works out for you. There’s something about the third round which just feels different to me. I almost felt embarrassed walking back into the clinic. On my second attempt I felt quite upbeat and as though now I’d had my trial run we were ready to do the real thing. Instead now I just feel like saying ‘sorry, me again, still not pregnant, guess we have a problem now’

@CurlyJ21, thank you for suggesting the counsellor. It is something I’ve been thinking about in recent weeks. Have all your sessions been solo or has your partner been involved? I think the thing that’s put me off is that I hate crying in front of people and I can easily envisage it would just be an hour of me getting upset which I’m sure they see all the time but still worries me.

@Clt1983 how funny, I feel exactly the same at my clinic! When I collected my meds last week, I tried to avoid the usual nurses, I was certain they would recognise me! I felt embarrassed to be there again. Just goes to show we’re all human, & ultimately they probably couldn't care less who walks through the door, its just another patient & its just their 9-5 job. Probably not articulating myself well, but what I mean is its all in our minds.
I tried counselling, it was really good, maybe a little too good & I ended up talking about my childhood… so probably went slightly off topic!
Just put yourself first & if you don't want to see family/ friends then go with you gut, we have to already endure so much.
All the best X

All of the sessions I’ve done have been solo but a lot of counsellors do couples sessions too!

If your partner is struggling he might benefit from some solo sessions as well.

I know what you mean about crying, I was embarrassed about this at the start but I am a firm believer that crying can be cathartic. There are times that I’ve spent (most of) the hour crying but I haven’t felt judged (and doing it over Zoom helped). This happened at the beginning (probably because I had bottled things up for so long) but happens much less now. Also, I’ve found that, because the counsellor knows so much about fertility, I can have sensible conversations about my options/issues that I’ve had with my clinic etc.

See below for a link to the British Infertility Counsellors Association:

www.bica.net/

@Clt1983 hi there, I just wanted to say you're not alone - I am in the same situation as you. Starting my 3rd round in September. I also have a low fertilisation rate, I seem to get around 5-8 eggs, but only one fertilises so I just kind of feel like 'what's the point'.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, and if you ever want to rant/wallow in disparity, get it out of your system, or whatever, just message. Infertility is truly one of the hardest things to go through. Have you had any counselling? I found it really helpful.

Thanks @CurlyJ21 and @ohsheglows. I’m going to take a look at counselling. I’d previously thought ‘oh, I’ll consider it if things get really bad’. I suppose we’re at that stage now.

In the space of 10 minutes this afternoon I’ve had to tell a friend why I won’t be meeting up on Bank Holiday (can’t risk mixing as if I get Covid this cycle is off), my mum asking me what date I’m likely to have egg collection as she’s obviously still planning on visiting despite me telling her that this will be a stressful time for us and my MIL text to remind us to be at hers for 12.30 on Saturday so that’s going to be a conversation for my partner to have with her later.

My second cycle felt much less pressured as I only told one friend and my manager. This time round it feels like we’re broadcasting it just due to timing and people’s expectations of seeing us and I could massively do without it but I can’t face trying to keep lies straight about why we can’t be mixing at the moment or have them think it’s something more sinister.

Fundamentally what I really want to say to everyone is ‘sod off and let us just get on with this without having to worry you’re going to be asking me how it’s going or feeling pity for me in a months time when it hasn’t worked yet again’.

Thanks for the support today everyone. I’ve massively appreciated it. Infertility is a real fucker and today was definitely a down day xx

Hi there, I’m coming back on these forums where I’ve had infertility for many years. I had three mmc In a row at 9 weeks and a chemical. Then I had two ivfs. First one I collected 7 eggs but only one normal blast ( pgs tested) second went so wrong I ovulated b4 egg collection but I managed to get pregnant via a sudden iui.
I didn’t believe people who said it only takes one egg. Now I do.
I was on a high meds short protocol.
I think it’s really important to look at the clinic you cycle with and their stats and their monitoring.
I did all the vitamins in it starts with the egg. I took ubiquinol instead of coQ10 as it’s a better form of it. I took wheatgrass for fsh. I did acupuncture weekly.
When I was depressed at having just four follicles my consultant told me about several women in their 40s who had one and produced one egg and got pregnant. I held onto that.
I understand the mental anguish, I’m on antidepressants still and cut off most of my pregnant friends. It was good to hide away in lockdown.

@Clt1983 I just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm in the same situation 2 failed cycles sperm issues but my consultant wants me to have a laparoscopy to check for anything causing implantation failure prior to another cycle and we've got a date now for next month and all those negative feelings stress anger grief are coming back so strongly now after a 6 month break from IVF. They never really went away to be honest.
I did do some counselling which was helpful and I'm planning to do a some more prior to a third cycle as my anxiety is at an all time high at present, I'm also looking at reflexology (who knows if it helps but I did one session so far and relaxing at least) if I don't commit to that then some kind of 'self care' activity that helps me feel better mentally.

I have heard mild IVF tends to be better for yielding better quality eggs and icsi might help any sperm issues leading to poor quality embryos so fingers crossed.

It's an incredibly sh*tty journey and we all understand completely, feel free to vent whenever xxx

Thanks @Roo45, you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I’m going to go through the list of counsellors this morning my and book a session. I naively thought that because I felt relatively calm with my second cycle then this would be the same but actually I keep getting flashbacks to how it felt when my cycles failed and I feel sick about going through that again. Last night my partner told his parents at for the first time we were doing IVF and hearing him trying to be strong and field their questions made me cry a lot.

@Littlemissnc, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had the anguish too and are still on anti-depressants. Hiding away is exactly what I want to do. At least with my other cycles we were under stricter restrictions so I didn’t have to see people and could be fairly insular. Much harder this time.

Thank you everyone for all your comments and support. At times this feels like a very lonely journey and whilst I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I’m glad others can share in how bloody hard this is. Yesterday I felt very weak and desperate, today I feel a little stronger with all your kind words.

Hi all,

I thought I’d come back and update. My third cycle was quite heavy going, I definitely felt worn out and lethargic compared to cycle 2. Egg collection was Saturday which saw 25 eggs collected (first cycle was 7, second was 12). Of those 11 were mature and 6 fertilised (first cycle was 5 fertilised and second was 7).

However, today is day 3 and the embryologist has called to say that the cells have divided on all 6 but are very fragmented so there is nothing that looks particularly good quality or that indicates it may evolve into a blastocyst.

So not good news. It seems that every cycle has resulted in worsening outcomes not better. I’m seeing a counsellor at 5pm but the way I feel right now, I don’t want to do this again. I’m exhausted, drained and emotionally spent. I know I still have to wait until Thursday to find out exactly how they have progressed but the fact they look worse at this stage than ever before gives me little hope. My partner has been great but I just feel like telling him to leave me and go try and have a family with someone else because I can’t give him that. I feel completely done with it all.

Sorry, 15 eggs collected not 25

@Clt1983 so sorry to hear you’re not having good news. I feel your pain, Im about to embark on my 3rd cycle.
Both times my day 3 embroys havent been good & had fragmentation, they transferred 2 at day 3 as they wouldnt make blasts. Can they transfer now at day 3? I can never seem to make blasts unfortunately so waiting til day 5 is pointless for me.
I hope they improve x

Thanks @GingerBrummie, they don’t do a 3 day transfer at my clinic and from what they’ve said, they all have fragmentation and it’s hard to see any difference between them so I’m not sure what they’d choose to put back anyway. I wish you all the best for your third cycle xx

@Clt1983 hello, just wanted to share my recent situation with you. I had my first ICSI round last month which was a freeze all, I had 19 eggs collected, 10 were mature and 6 fertilised. On my day 3 update I was told all 6 had fragmentation. I was devastated, had no hope at all, cried and cried but by day 5 the embryologist told me that 2 had made it to blastocyst and were frozen! Couldn't believe it and I'm now just starting my first FET.
I know it will seem impossible, especially after all you've been through so far, but it can turn around. My embryologist sounded pretty negative on my day 3 update but did say embryos are amazing things and they can 'fix' themselves by absorbing the fragmentation. Good luck to you, I hope it works out.

Hi @dogmam, really glad things turned themselves around for you and wishing you all the best for your FET. Hearing stories like yours does bring me some peace and a little hope but I’m almost scared to go too far down the path in case there’s just more disappointment at the end of it. I hope you get the result you’re hoping for and again, thank you for sharing your experience, really nice to have a bit of good news from someone

@Clt1983 I don't know how many times I said this kind of thing.
My partner has been great but I just feel like telling him to leave me and go try and have a family with someone else because I can’t give him that.

But DH did not want to go anywhere. Our first clinic thought his sperm was great, then had did the Examen sperm comet test and saw a urologist (Mr Ramsay) and the results were not great at all, and we went from infertility "all being my fault" to maybe a bit of both.
And I didn't feel any differently about him, and didn't think I'd swap him for some guy with supersperm. So if your partner wants to be with you, and have a family with you, and not some random woman who got luckier in the egg department, then believe him. Really.

DH's sperm improved and my eggs did not but we're still in it together.

Good luck for your update, and to the other posters embarking on more treatment.
When to keep going, take a short break, take a long break, stop all this shit, is very individual. A good counsellor who knows about fertility can help you get your thoughts in order. But if they give any "relax and it will happen" stories demand a refund. Yes really!

Thanks @LongerthanMrTicklesarms, I’ve been lucky in that my partner has always said even from the outset whether it turns out to be an issue with him or an issue with me, it doesn’t matter because we’re in it together and it’s our issue. It’s just my own insecurities talking which will take a while to quieten.

I’ve just finished my first session with the counsellor and I think it helped. I cried the whole way though but she was lovely and has made me realise how much of what I say is couched in terms of blaming myself and having to decide the next move, whereas today is not the day to be making decisions.

My DH has been pretty consistent too but like you say it is our insecurities and they are deeply ingrained, fertility is so tied up in societal expectations of being a woman.

Glad you had counselling today, don't be surprised if it leaves you wiped out or tearful, it's no quick fix but it really should help you understand what's going on in your head.
Try to be at least as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend if they were telling you your story. 💐

Sorry to hear this @Clt1983 hoping for good news for you, this journey is exhausting isn't it. When you get unexpected news it's easy to feel like it's somehow your fault but it isn't. Imagine if it was purely a sperm issue and your partner told you the same what you might say to him. At the end of the day it's you as a couple going through this. xx

Thanks @Roo45, exhausting is the word. I feel like I have nothing left to give at the moment. In coming weeks there’s probably going to be discussions about whether we do one more or now move to donor eggs but at the moment you might as well be asking me to climb Everest, it feels insurmountable.

@Clt1983 bless you, take it one day at a time at the moment xx

@Clt1983

Hi *@dogmam*, really glad things turned themselves around for you and wishing you all the best for your FET. Hearing stories like yours does bring me some peace and a little hope but I’m almost scared to go too far down the path in case there’s just more disappointment at the end of it. I hope you get the result you’re hoping for and again, thank you for sharing your experience, really nice to have a bit of good news from someone

No I totally understand that, you don't want to allow yourself to be hopefull in the fear that the disappointment (understatement I know) is harder to take. Just wanted to let you know that there is a chance that fragmentatiom on day 3 embryos can resolve itself. I don't know what the likliness is of it happening but, it can happen. I really really hope you get good news tomorrow.

Hi OP, thank you for sharing your experience and feelings and I am so sorry that you don't have good news so far on cycle 3.

You sound exhausted and rightfully so.

I am glad that your counseling session helped, and think about that if the 1st session helped you, how much better you're going to feel in the future. The time is not to make decisions, the time is to let your body and mind recover (I think).

Thank you @IsabelHerna, it has been a relentless cycle of bad news and I’m dreading the call from the embryologist tomorrow. Trying to plan nice things to do at the weekend to take our minds off things and relax a little. I called my dad earlier to let him know that things weren’t looking good and there was a terrible misunderstanding at the start where he thought I was crying because I was happy and I was calling to tell him I was pregnant so having to tell him he’d got it wrong was awful and then he felt terrible. Gave me a little glimpse of what could have been, and maybe will be in some way in the future, but what feels so very far away right now.