Struggling with starting my third round

[Clt1983]

Hi all,

I’m due to start my third round of IVF this week. No identifiable issues but because I’ve only managed to create one embryo each time from my previous cycles despite having 7 and 12 eggs collected respectively, the doctors think it may be an egg quality issue.

This time round we’re doing milder IVF with ICSI to improve our chances but I feel so defeated going into this cycle. I feel like my eggs are no good so this is a pointless and painful exercise and that emotionally I don’t know how many more failed cycles I can stand. I’ve felt ok up until a few days ago but now I’m remembering how painful the failure of the previous cycles were and I almost want to protect myself and not even try even though I know I will. My partner has been great and he’s very supportive but I know how much he wants to be a dad and it breaks my heart that I might be the missing link here that stops it from happening.

It also doesn’t help that due to the world opening back up again and expectations around being in the office etc plus to socialise more, we’ve had to tell more people than we would choose to. Eg my in laws are now being told as we can’t go to a family birthday, my mum wants to come and stay whilst we’re going through it so I’ve had to tell her and other friends and family have events that we can’t commit to so I’m sure they’ll also guess. It feels more pressured now.

Added to that, my partner’s best friend is expecting his first baby through IVF with his wife. She has a large Instagram following and posts about being pregnant repeatedly and has deemed herself the expert on IVF after one round and two transfers and now wants to write a book on her experiences. She has also classed her first failed implantation as a miscarriage which isn’t how I saw my two failed implantations which has stupidly made me feel worse. I don’t follow her now but I know my partner is also struggling with hearing about it all from his friend. Oh and my good friend is now expecting her third baby in three years which I had to find out from a distant friend because she felt awkward telling me which made me feel crappy but at least sparked a conversation about me feeling sad about my own situation doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy for her.

Not really sure if it’s advice I’m looking for or if I just needed to get it all out. I’m tired of trying to be strong and positive. I don’t want to wear pineapples and recite mantras or feel like I’m doing IVF wrong because I can’t make it the very centre of my entire existence because I’m scared of being so hurt again. I just want to feel sad and down and just grit my teeth and get through it. It just makes me feel so shitty that a month from now I can be sat here again with another BFN.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far. I think I just needed to vent today.

Hi all, I thought I’d update further. Unfortunately, the eggs were only around 10 cells today on day 5 when the embryologist said they should be around 100. So nothing to transfer and a complete failure of a cycle. I haven’t cried yet, I’m sure that’s coming. I had to go straight in and chair a meeting minutes after the call so I haven’t had a chance to think about it much yet. The news wasn’t unexpected but there was still a part of me that thought ‘well, maybe one could possibly…..’.

Not sure where to go from here. I’ll have the review with the doctor and then see. Frustratingly we have managed to make one good quality blastocyst in the past so we know it’s possible, if it had never happened then this would be more clear cut.

Thank you everyone for your support in the recent weeks, it’s meant a lot. I re-read the thread last night and I thought ‘I would love to give every single woman in this thread a big hug and tell them how much they’ve helped me’. I hope you all get the outcomes you deserve.

@Clt1983 so sorry to hear your news, its a really crappy situation. I fear I will be in the same place in a months time, I also cannot get blasts. Have a good cry tonight, wine & hopefully you have your partner for support too. I really feel for you, keep trying, you will get there eventually xxx

Thank you @GingerBrummie. I just cried updating my manager who thankfully has been great throughout this whole process. Her sister is due to have egg collection tomorrow but they are only expecting to get one egg so she’s familiar with the pain that this process can bring.

I hope it goes better than you hope and that this is the attempt that changes everything xxx

@Clt1983 I was thinking of you today. I'm just really really sorry that this was the outcome. There are no words to make you feel better. I hope you are able to have some time off work, especially with such an understanding manager. I don't think you should think too much about next steps just yet, leave that until you have your follow up appointment. Take care xx

Thank you. I’m hoping the Bank Holiday weekend gives me a bit of time to process all this and then I can take some more time if I need to. Going to arrange another counselling session too so I can make sense of my feelings a bit more xx

@Clt1983 I'm so so sorry to hear this. Look after yourself this weekend and reach out on here whenever you need it, thinking of you xx

Thanks @Roo45, I think this weekend will see a long awaited glass of wine, a lot of chocolate and plenty of bad tv. If ever a situation warranted it, this is it! xx

@Clt1983 absolutely! Not the same situation but I'm CD1 and doing the exact same thing this weekend! X

@Clt1983 - I totally feel for you. My last 2 Ivf attempts haven't been successful either and I have been told

• I have been told my egg quality isn't good.

I feel so devastated and feel I will never be able to become a mother with my own eggs

I struggle socially too.Every time I meet my friends the only question I get asked is are you expecting/ when will you have kids / oh you are not drinking alcohol so congrats you must be pregnant and what not!

Hi @hopeful02, so sorry to hear this. I know that feeling well of the lack of children being the elephant in the room. For those who don’t know we’ve been struggling I assume they think we don’t want kids when nothing can be further from the truth. I had my review appointment after my failed third round last week, we discussed donor eggs and whilst psychologically I have a bit of work to do to feel fully on board with that, that may be the road we have to go down. The doctor said he didn’t think we were clinically there yet and he wants to try Clomid and a lower dose of Menopur on round 4 to produce less eggs but try and improve the quality. It feels like the last chance saloon but I think I need to do it so I can move on.

@Clt1983 - how old are you if you don't mind me asking. I have read some ladies go for natural modified cycles with clinics like create fertility owned by Dr narung

I was thinking if I should go for this option too but their success rate is not as high and I am scared loosing all my saving on Ivf and still not being able to have a child of my own..

I turn 38 in a couple of weeks which I’m told by the clinic is still fairly young in terms of IVF treatment. I asked last week if my age would make a difference in terms of successfully carrying any baby conceived by donor egg and was told it doesn’t and they will still do an embryo transfer with a donor egg up to age 50.

I did consider changing clinic but we weighed up a number of factors. Ultimately the fact that I’m familiar with my doctors, they know well how I respond and what works and doesn’t by now, I do believe they’re working with me for my best interests plus the practical factors such as I can walk there in 25 minutes so my time away from work or having to travel is less which means I’m less stressed overall is something that also mattered. I was a little wary of success rates as some clinics are more discerning as to who they take and what sort of women they treat in terms of known issues so it can skew results.

I think my body is only going to do what it’s capable of doing and that’s irrespective of clinic. The treatment were trying for the next cycle is something I feel comfortable with and I think I’ll feel confident we would have covered a range of bases by then and can move on to donor eggs if that also doesn’t work.

Only you know what’s best for you and what you can afford to give, emotionally as well as financially. My view has been that I was to try and if it fails at least I have that certainty. If I hadn’t tried then I’d never know but the one way to guarantee it wouldn’t work would be never to try. But that isn’t always a real life option. If you haven’t as yet, I’d suggest having a counselling session to talk through your concerns with someone independent and help to clarify your own feelings.

@Clt1983 - I really like your approach and you are right it's worth giving that a shot so atleast you've tried this option and there won't be any regrets and if it works it will be the best decision

IVF is such an emotional journey. every step feels like an exam that we have to pass from egg collection\embryo outcome\ egg transfer \ results - you have to pass all the steps to win else you have start all over again

I am offered a counselling session with NHS but I don't know why I feel they are not going to be as personal so never opted for one.

I’d definitely make use of the counselling session. For me, it actually helped that it wasn’t too personal and she didn’t already know my background and history so far. She asked what I wanted from my first session and I said ‘I just want someone to listen’ and it was great for that. I’m not looking for answers or reassurance, I just want someone who doesn’t know me and won’t judge me to listen whilst I run through how I feel and try and make sense of it myself. Fundamentally the answers have to come from you but having that sounding board is really helpful.

Hi all, I’ve been re-reading this thread today as it’s been a bad few days and wanted to remind myself of your support. I had a 12 day period after I stopped my pessaries which felt relentless. (Is it a period if they took all my eggs? not sure how that works).

Things have felt overwhelming again. This morning I was vomiting with anxiety and I get low moments where I just cry and don’t want to be with anyone. It’s my birthday on Monday and I’m meeting my dad in Bristol today for lunch, out for dinner with friends tomorrow night and have a nice day planned with my partner on Sunday…….and I don’t want to do any of it. It all feels too much, I just want to be by myself and not speak to anyone which I know isn’t healthy as these are all people who love me. But it’s still how I feel. I’m going for lunch with my dad and I’ve already had to warn him I may not be able to eat and I may get nauseous and panicky when we sit down.

I’ve carried on with counselling and my partner joined in last week. She struck a chord when she mentioned that my partner is going full steam ahead with the work we’re doing on the house (which I’m taking a back seat on as I don’t want the stress) as it’s something tangible and where he can see results so its a different experience to IVF. I’m not sure I have much like that in comparison.

So no news to share, still looking at potentially end of October for another cycle but if I still feel like this I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. Ironically as I was re-reading this, my SIL sent a photo of her nephew dressed up for his first day at school which twisted the knife a little more.

Hope everyone is doing ok wherever you’re at in terms of treatment and decisions you need to make.

@Clt1983
The bleed directly after IVF is a withdrawal bleed, not an actual period.
Really sorry you are not in a good place, I find the wait in-between cycles so hard as you are not actively doing anything. At least when you’re injecting you are on a plan.
I cannot remember your history, will you try naturally in-between cycles? But either way if you start end of Oct it will come sooner than you think.
How was your lunch with your dad? I cant offer much words of advice as Im in the same boat, I keep thinking about another Christmas not being pregnant & its only Sept! Im about to embark on my 3rd cycle but sometimes I just think whats the point, I make average day 3 embryos at best, never any blasts so a fresh cycle each time. Im also worried about all the drugs Im pumping into my body with each cycle. Sorry, I should be trying to cheer you up but I guess what Im trying to say is, they are so many of us in the same boat, with multiple cycles behind us but we have to stay strong, it will happen eventually & all this will just be a distant memory.
I “hid” for my birthday, it wasn't difficult as Ive cut out almost all of my friends but its what I have to do now, Im being super selfish but Im past caring, my state of mind is priority & I just cannot handle baby talk with friends. So be selfish if you need to be. Keep going with the counsellor & if you dont click with them perhaps ask to try a different person.
I hope your 3rd cycle comes soon & you have the success you deserve xx

Thanks @GingerBrummie, you’re right, this limbo period is hard. I feel aimless and directionless which doesn’t help. Lunch with my dad went better than expected, I was able to eat most of my meal and when I started feeling overwhelmed I just put my cutlery down and tried to ride it out.

We are trying naturally in between but a big part of me thinks ‘what’s the point, it hasn’t worked naturally up until now, why would this month be any different?’ But I’m trying not to be bitter about it.

I hope your third cycle works out for you, will they be trying anything significantly different to last time? Xxx

@Clt1983 Im glad your lunch was nice :)
I also try naturally between cycles, you always hear of those stories where magically it just works so I keep going (never seen a bfp in 3 years of trying…)
Im with the NHS, its very standard, they arent changing anything! So I’ll likely get the same results but I have no choice. Im doing research into where I go if this fails, its all so expensive! Ive never had to think of the cost beforehand. I keep hearing people talk about Create for women with bad egg quality as they offer natural & mild IVF but Im still not convinced. Who are you with if you dont mind me asking?

I’m with Kings Fertility. Two rounds of private and one of NHS so far. Future ones will be private. Generally pretty happy with them and I had more scans, blood tests and monitoring on the NHS cycle so it didn’t feel like they were trying to boost the price on the private ones, especially as there were some additional things like extra Covid tests they didn’t charge for when we were paying privately. Sometimes it can be a bit conveyor belt with a different doctor each scan but I’ve got to know them all a bit now so it doesn’t matter as much. Nurses are lovely and the clinic has been pretty efficient. Plus I can walk there in 25 mins which has meant I need less time off work and less stress overall.

We’ve been very lucky that my partners health insurance has covered 80% of the cost for the private ones, last one will be the final subsidised one though and if we want to use donor eggs if the next one fails then we’re better off paying the next one ourselves and claiming back the money on the donor one as that’s more expensive (if the insurers are fine with that).