Losing friends due to infertility

[blueskyinjan]

Has anyone else experienced this?

I naively told everyone when we started to TTC and then months turned into years of infertility. During lockdown I broke the pattern of telling everyone everything as it was becoming too painful to update every month that the latest infertility tea or supplement hadn’t worked. I told them all we had stopped TTC about a year ago...we are still TTC and are now 2 years 9 months into this journey and it’s more painful than ever. Part of the reason I blocked them all out on our journey also is 2 of them got pregnant and 1 gave birth during lockdown and the chat never stopped about the pregnancies and newborn pictures kept flooding in. I can’t lie, it destroyed me and although I sent a smiley icon etc I was absolutely miserable seeing these chats. So the other day I told them all I want nothing more to do with them...
Does it make sense I did that? Is it me over-reacting or were they rubbish friends?
I was there for them during break-ups, job losses, family deaths, illness. And I find their complete lack of empathy for my situation so incredibly inconsiderate, but part of me thinks if it wasn’t for my infertility we would still be friends so is it my issue I’ve let take over?

To clarify, this is a particular group of friends - 6 women...

@blueskyinjan I'm sorry you are clearly hurting. I feel the same, it is so hard to have constant reminders of babies, it's like it's everywhere. At the supermarket or in the park, or in a tv show, literally everywhere. I've come off social media because I ended up muting everyone who gets pregnant or has a child and even then the constant reminders were there.

When close friends and relatives get pregnant it is so hard and I don't blame you at all for trying to protect yourself from the constant reminders the friends were sending you. I've had to stop speaking to friends too. Is there a way you can let them know that you are hurting and just need some time where you aren't reminded of the situation you're in and that you hope they understand?

Also worth noting, I think people are oblivious sometimes, they don't know what the situation we are in is like.

Sometimes I have just had to tell people: I'm having IVF, hearing about babies reminds me of my situation and causes me to be really upset, so I'd appreciate it if you won't speak about pregnancies or babies with me.

Hi, I understand this. I am the last of my group of friends who is not pregnant or had a baby. When we had a zoom call recently it was all baby baby baby school prams etc. I chatted away about it too but after the call I realised not one of them had asked me how I was or if I was doing any treatment (they all know I’m doing ivf). I am unfortunately just left out now and I think now they’re all in happy happy land with babies and pregnancies they just don’t want to know what’s going on with me. So I have just decided for now not to do any more group calls and I will consider meeting some of them one on one. You’re not alone it’s another thing infertility ruins. What did they say when you told them you didn’t want anything more to do with them?

When one of these girls was pregnant she started sending me bump photos every week and it was actually affecting me so much and ruining my day. My DH said to just cut her off but I decided to tell her first and she apologised and stopped doing it but it’s hard to tell everyone they can’t talk about something with you as it’s what going on in their lives so I feel like you can’t do that. Infertility sucks!!!!

I'm only going off what you have written here so granted we don't have 100% of the info - to be fair to your friends you said on your post you had told them you stopped TTC? And this was a year ago and you are now at the 2 years 9 month mark so you would have "only" been trying to conceive around 18 months at the time which whilst it's hard to hear is still within the 2 year timeframe doctors say you Can expect to fall pregnant? So I doubt they suspected there was anything wrong?

How would they know you are experiencing problems if you haven't actually told them?

This is going to sound harsh but if you have said to them you want nothing to do with them because they post about their pregnancies and babies then without them knowing what you've been going through then your reaction is just comes across as jealous and bitter? That you can't be happy for them?

I suffered 5 years of infertility had 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics and lost both tubes and then went through 5 rounds of IVF - whilst I did limit some social media use during the bad days I never begrudged anyone the happiness I so desperately sought for myself? Friendships are about being there through the good times as well as bad and whilst so much of friendship is built on shared experiences which if they have conceived and had babies already they may not totally understand what you are going through can you honestly say you have given them the opportunity to try?

To pop up and try and rekindle friendships when you do have a baby could look very disingenuous and it may be too late by that point to get back what you once had?

I'd urge you to be honest with them - tell them your message was heat of the moment when you were feeling particularly low and vulnerable - that whilst you are happy for them the constant baby talk makes you feel sad for yourself and whilst you don't want them to stop you may not always reply

@ivfgottwins to be fair if I recall correctly most of your ivf rounds were after you already had a child. I’m not belittling your experience but if for the majority of that time you were already a parent it’s very different to being completely excluded

[quote Changenameforshame]@ivfgottwins to be fair if I recall correctly most of your ivf rounds were after you already had a child. I’m not belittling your experience but if for the majority of that time you were already a parent it’s very different to being completely excluded[/quote]
I also experienced several years of infertility before my first child.....

I don't talk about that time much - my sister gave birth on what would have been my due date but I lost my baby at 12 weeks, I was also the last in my friendship group to have children

So yes my experience spans primary and secondary infertility

I would still advise not cutting off friends.

ivfgottwins I understand where you’re coming from but I’ve never had a pregnancy and 18 months of failures at the same time as others successes, rightly or wrongly, was extremely hard. But thanks for your perspective, it’s made me see it a new way.

And thanks to all ☺️ It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

@blueskyinjan I completely understand this, I've been TTC for 3.5 years with 2 failed ivf cycles, quite a few friends have had children in that time and I do really struggle with all their baby talk.
I think infertility is one of those things unless you've gone through it yourself you couldn't possibly understand how traumatising and triggering it can be. People don't understand why them discussing their kids might upset you, and how what they say to try and comfort you actually makes you feel worse. I also don't think people really know what to say and it makes them uncomfortable too. That's not me trying to excuse their behaviour but perhaps looking at why it happens.
I would suggest telling you friends the truth if you feel you can, that whilst you're struggling to have your own kids you find the baby and pregnancy talk hard, and there might be times you won't always reply to all of the messages in the group chat.
If they are your friends they should understand this xx

@blueskyinjan yep l relate to what you say after 3 years trying to conceive -5 rounds of Clomid and 2 rounds of IVF. You just have to cut some people loose. Friend 1 got cut loose after countless cringey gaffs e.g. telling me l couldn’t be that tired from Clomid, she has 2 young children to care for. Or booked a few days out and a weekend away to cheer ourselves up after not getting anywhere conceiving, to be told she would love to do those things but had to “spend all her money on childcare” I told her our 1st round of IVF failed and very little interest or support. There are many more examples.

Couple 1 got pregnant 5 minutes into trying, his 3rd and her 1st. This coincided with just before us doing our 2nd round of IVF. They wouldn’t stop banging on about it, numerous messages on our friends group WhatsApp group. My fiancé even had a quiet word with the guy, saying we are finding IVF tough and the odds aren’t great. We are pleased for you but it’s a tricky time but onwards they went. Round of IVF failed and they still continue. Consequently l am making zero effort to see them and l can’t see this changing. Needless to say l left the WhatsApp group ages ago

It must be nice to get what you want but some tact and diplomacy doesn’t go amiss to others

@ivfgottwins 3 children in then you’re likely to be at quite a different viewpoint and see things differently to lots of people on this thread.

@EL8888

Yes 3 children now 🤷‍♀️ my point is I've been through this and come out the other side so I actually have the benefit of hindsight here and BEFORE I had children I experienced what the OP did (or is someone who now has children not allowed to offer an opinion/perspective even if they went through it themselves? Me having a happy ending doesn't negate what I went through all those years ago?)

And believe me friends who have been told they are cut off for talking about the most exciting and happiest times of their lives then don't take too kindly to you suddenly popping back up saying "hey I'm pregnant now let's talk about my baby and my pregnancy"

@ivfgottwins l appreciate you have been on both sides of it. But you actually got there, there’s a chance a fair few people on this board won’t. So yeah maybe not everyone wants to cut some slack to our tactless, self-absorbed fair weather friends. Still amused by the friend who thought l wanted to get up super early for a “family walk” with her 2 children after cycle 1 of IVF failed. Why the fuck would l want to do that?!

At no point did l say you succeeding has negated what you went through, it’s never the simple and l doubt it would for me. You’re filling that in for yourself

I have no wish to hijack this thread but you have forced my hand. Being blunt l inwardly cringe when l see you comment on threads. The flavour is ALWAYS like this from you. I find if wearing and it’s unlikely l am the only one.

I take the view that if friends are real friends they will understand us taking a step back whilst we go through the challenges of infertility and try and make time for us outside meet ups with their kids. People just need to think of others more. I know not to harp on about my wedding to a friend whose DP unexpectedly ended their relationship. It’s not that hard for others to acknowledge the feelings of those going through infertility and we have the right to call people out if they don’t respect our feelings.

Most people have been fine with me explaining I’ve stepped away from WhatsApp groups if there are lots of baby pics etc. Out of a wide circle of friends there’s only a couple I’ve decided to cut off as they have just been too insensitive and I don’t see it as a bad thing as it takes a challenging situation to realise who your real friends are. If I was lucky enough to ever have my ivf work I would never criticise anyone else going through ivf from stepping away from me whilst I was pregnant (chance would be a fine thing 🙄).

Hi Op. I’m sorry -infertility is so rubbish and it doesn’t sound like your friends have been very sensitive. I agree with a previous poster -saying that people should think and be sensitive -e.g. I wouldn’t go on about my marriage to my friend who is single -it’s insensitive. People should be the same about infertility -though sadly people can sometimes be wrapped up in it all and get carried away without thinking.

It may be that you feel you don’t want to tell your friends about the infertility at the moment -which is completely understandable As it’s a very personal matter-but I found for me -I always did tell people how hard it was and the problems I was having-and if they then were insensitive about talking about babies etc -I would step away. I certainly avoided very kiddy events and would make my excuses for baby showers etc. I just didn’t want to make life any harder and more triggering than it needed to be.

I wish you all the best.

I would agree with @EL8888 I don’t see the benefit to others who may not be as lucky to have 3 children @ivfgottwins to say ‘well I’ve been through loads and I never had to stop seeing friends. I always went to baby showers etc. How do you think that makes those of us who aren’t strong enough to do it feel? How does it benefit others who specifically say they find it hard to hear you could do loads of IVF and have loads of kids and never had a day where your friends made you feel an inch tall or you couldn’t go to a baby shower as it would’ve broken you. We already feel less than as it is, we have all done loads of IVF and for lots of us never even gotten a positive test. And maybe that’s why! As we’re not strong enough like you to power on with life as normal , maybe that’s why we’re not getting our happy ending. It’s not helpful to put the blame back on women who are just doing their best that they should be able to deal effortlessly with their friends too.

And I really think if they are good friends they will understand this. Ones that don’t prob aren’t worth worrying too much about.

[quote ivfgottwins]@EL8888

Yes 3 children now 🤷‍♀️ my point is I've been through this and come out the other side so I actually have the benefit of hindsight here and BEFORE I had children I experienced what the OP did (or is someone who now has children not allowed to offer an opinion/perspective even if they went through it themselves? Me having a happy ending doesn't negate what I went through all those years ago?)

And believe me friends who have been told they are cut off for talking about the most exciting and happiest times of their lives then don't take too kindly to you suddenly popping back up saying "hey I'm pregnant now let's talk about my baby and my pregnancy"

[/quote]
And cheers for telling me the friends I have tried to sensitively stepped back from, explaining I’m having a tough time, won’t take kindly to me coming back into the friendship circle if I do get a happy ending. I definitely need that additional worry.

ivfgottwins

I looked over the undertones in your first message as you made some valid comments but please don’t put words into my mouth

I am not going to pop up and say as you have said ‘hey I'm pregnant now let's talk about MY baby and MY pregnancy". That is simply not my style.

When I cut a friendship off that’s it. I’m a private person which is why I’m on here. I don’t expect these friends to come back and I’m okay with that. I have a few other friends that I’ve had for decades which I can talk deeply to, it’s a particular group that I’ve found difficult and there will be no ‘popping up’ from me with them again.

Thanks all for all your advice, having seen so much insensitivity and lack of understanding over infertility I’m starting to come to a realisation that keeping matters private apart from very close friends is the way to go for me.

Ivtgottwins / ivfbeenbusy posts on each and every single post to do with infertility/conception.

Me having a happy ending doesn't negate what I went through all those years ago?)

Maybe not 'negate' but certainly you have the comfortable feeling that it was all worth it.

@blueskyinjan just jumping on to say please don't feel like you need to keep matters private. There are some lovely ladies on this forum. I was like you and struggled with my emotions of infertility and announcements were huge triggers to me and I felt like no one understood, even my OH and I've never felt so lonely. I came onto MN and have made some amazing friends through it. In my journey, there's no right way or wrong way to feel. Your feelings and views are always valid and you should always do what's best for you. Sending hugs ❤️

Having gone through primary infertilty, and having been so so lucky with my outcome (a dd from ivf and then an unplanned and huge surprise ds). I feel a huge distance from what I went through. I can empathise with my former circumstances, but almost feel like all that shit happened to a totally different person. It is difficult to look back on those years now as I feel almost like it all happened to a different person.

All I want to say is that I'm sorry your friends are shit. Sometimes being kind to yourself is all about self preservation and being selfish. We can't always know if we're cutting off our nose to spite our face, but sometimes we aren't, if that makes any sense. You gotta do what's best for you, even if your friends can't see that's what you're doing.

Be kind to yourself. It's shit.

Totally understand how you feel. I was so dramatic after knowing my sis-in-law got pregnant - which stirred up other emotions, i.e. relationships with parents in law etc.

I cried for a few days, and had a really deep talk with my husband. I even cut off social media for a month (deactivated everything), but then I went back to them eventually.

I've been trying FOUR years and ONE miscarriage - during this time I've done my master and another diploma etc. I feel like as long as you work hard, you'll get something but this DOES NOT APPLY to infertility... I changed my lifestyle etc but it never helped. Never. So rubbish...