Losing friends due to infertility

[blueskyinjan]

Has anyone else experienced this?

I naively told everyone when we started to TTC and then months turned into years of infertility. During lockdown I broke the pattern of telling everyone everything as it was becoming too painful to update every month that the latest infertility tea or supplement hadn’t worked. I told them all we had stopped TTC about a year ago...we are still TTC and are now 2 years 9 months into this journey and it’s more painful than ever. Part of the reason I blocked them all out on our journey also is 2 of them got pregnant and 1 gave birth during lockdown and the chat never stopped about the pregnancies and newborn pictures kept flooding in. I can’t lie, it destroyed me and although I sent a smiley icon etc I was absolutely miserable seeing these chats. So the other day I told them all I want nothing more to do with them...
Does it make sense I did that? Is it me over-reacting or were they rubbish friends?
I was there for them during break-ups, job losses, family deaths, illness. And I find their complete lack of empathy for my situation so incredibly inconsiderate, but part of me thinks if it wasn’t for my infertility we would still be friends so is it my issue I’ve let take over?

It's not totally clear if you've actually told these friends that you are still trying, doing ivf, and struggling. Even if you haven't its a bit unfair and thoughtless of them to keep on going on about their pregnancies etc, but it may just be down to genuine thoughtlessness. Or I've had a couple of friends (who knew I was going ivf pre lockdown) not ask at all, which has upset me, but then recently I've seen them and they've been kind and listened - and said they don't feel comfortable or that it's appropriate to ask over WhatsApp, but they've been thinking of me!

I suppose the main question is do you still want to be friends with them? Have they supportive in other ways in the past and have you got shared history together?

And if you do want to keep their friendship tell them honestly how you are feeling, maybe in separate individual messages, and that you value their friendship but are finding it hard to hear about their families all the time. It may not even feel like all they talk about to them, but you're just (understandably) more sensitive to it. Like when you but a new car then suddenly you set that type of car everywhere. Maybe try to meet them one on one for now rather than in bigger groups when it may be more kid orientated?

@blueskyinjan just wanted to say that I can relate to your post. I have found IVF hugely isolating. Particularly because I’ve been doing it during lockdown and shielding. I’ve spoken to a couple of close friends only. No family. My sister in law had her second child very recently and I found this incredibly hard. I’ve tried my best to put on a brave face and ask regularly how my new nephew is but deep inside I feel a mixture of sadness, anger, bittterness and frustration that I feel like this. The hormones don’t help and make me hugely emotional. I’ve got neighbours who’ve had babies recently and as everyone has said, they are EVERYWHERE. I just went for a short break which I really needed but again, you can’t escape babies, families enjoying themselves and it does make you feel sad and remind you that something you so desperately want is out of your reach no matter how hard you try. To be perfectly honest if I wasn’t trying for a baby I’d be considering antidepressants right now. That’s how awful I’ve felt this last year during IVF. If the friends who knew what I am going through presently were sending me photos of their bumps or constantly talking about prams etc too I’d be mortified at their lack of empathy and would probably break off the friendship too. There’s a difference between remaining friends with your friends who have children / or are having children and taking an appropriate interest /giving support in contrast to say organising baby showers, talking about prams etc etc we all have different friends that we discuss different things with. I wouldn’t see this as anything different to that: eg one of my best friends has a 2 year old girl. She wouldn’t dream about talking about her experience of breast feeding, nursery drama etc with me atm because of what I’m going through: because she’s a good friend. If she needed to talk to me about something she could, but the difference is that she is intelligent and knows what is appropriate and not appropriate to talk about as bd she’d talk about it with someone else who probably also has s baby and can relate. Lastly I’d also like to say that I’m not a fan of the post which is calling out the original poster on her behaviour. There are ways of putting your point across without being so negative. As another poster has said. We are all going through hell here. Let’s try and be a little bit more supportive and understanding. The posters feelings and actions are valid. Of course her friends may not know or understand what is happening and perhaps explaining how she felt first could have been another approach. It wasn’t the approach she chose this time and laying blame wont help her feel any better.

@blueskyinjan bless your heart, I totally relate to this I really do. I don't want to rub any salt in any wounds but want to offer somewhat some comfort if I can? I too struggled for many many years with ttc, I had countless surgeries for endo, heartache time and time again, ivf after ivf and I had friends who stuck by me however when I did fall pregnant with my ivf cycle I found those friends really drifted and I felt in some way I was grieving some friendships. On the other hand I also became so distant with one of my oldest friends who had 2 babies in the space of me trying with someone she met and was only with for 6 months before falling pregnant. I shut myself off from everyone and now I know I did that for my own reassurance to protect myself however along the way my oldest friend actually came to me when I was pregnant and apologised for her being so distant with me and she said it's because she felt so guilty that she had what I wanted. We are now closer than ever and it's made me realise that some friendships are built on being on the same wavelengths in life, other friendships become distant when trying and even conceiving and when they're on that same path you become the go to and it makes you close again (in such a bizarre warped way). Then there's other friendships that never change and those ones are the ones that will pull you through. Those friendships are the ones that need no effort, the ones who understand your woes and stick by you when you're feeling pretty shit - look out for those ones, it may be only one person or you may find it becomes a family member or work colleague. I hope that brings some form of comfort, I've found myself my friendship circles have completely changed and whilst I wouldn't say we're "not friends" we've just learnt where we kind of sit with each other x

Firstly @blueskyinjan I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. It's shit. In response to your initial question, yes- I have experienced a loss in friendships and I know I'm not the only one.

From what you describe, it makes total sense (to me) that you decided to cut off this particular group of friends. They were being crap and self absorbed. In the loneliness & despair that is infertility, you need to do what you can to protect & look after yourself. If you weren't experiencing infertility, you may well have been able to remain friends with them...which makes things all the more shit. The lack of empathy from some people is shocking though.

It might help if you contact them individually, maybe by text to explain why you've had to withdraw yourself- but it's totally up to you. I found that the friendships that lasted were there for me thick & thin. The ones I lost.... well, perhaps we just weren't as good a friends as I thought we were. It hurts though, and it's another loss to contend with.

Everybody has different ways of managing it. Some people are open, but I hated talking about it. In the end I did have a small select group of people that I told, and I would text rather than talk. They knew I wouldn't always reply, but it was nice to know they were thinking of me.

The only other thing I would say is your feelings are valid and there are many of us here who empathise with you.

I would also agree with @EL8888 & @Changenameforshame regarding the sheer number of posts from you ivfgottwins/ivfbeenbusy/itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted.

I'm sure there are some who find your replies/advice & experience helpful, but it may be worth taking a step back to reflect on your position and some of your responses. Unfortunately I found some of your opinions on the use of donor eggs particularly unhelpful, especially as you have been lucky enough to now have three biological children.

Apologies for hijacking the thread OP. Wishing you the best.

I feel your pain :( It is really hard struggling with infertility when everyone around you seems to be having such an easy time of getting pregnant (weirdly I just started a thread along very similar lines).

I know it's so important to try not to project these feelings onto others. My best friend is pregnant and that genuinely makes me so happy.

Try to rememeber that your friends haven't actually done anything wrong. They can't actually know how you are feeling if they haven't been through this themselves, they are just sharing their good news.

A good example is I would actually be sad if my best friend didn't keep me updated on everything about her pregnancy, because I love her and want to be involved. My infertility is a separate issue. Others might feel differently, but how is she to know? She assumes I want to know about her life and be involved (rightly!)

Unless you make it clear that you are finding it very painful to hear about these things, people will keep you in the loop just because they see you as a friend and they want to share their news. Perhaps you need to be more assertive and direct in telling them what you need?

Thank you to everyone for sharing all your experiences. You’ve certainly made me feel a lot less alone. ❤️

After 3 1/2 years of ttc for dc2 I have learnt to be honest. I just say "no thanks, I don't want to do the zoom as it will understandably be about the new baby and the pregnancy in the group and I can't handle that at the moment". I then say it's not personal, still value them as friends etc. Everyone has been very understanding.

It does sound like that group of friends isn't great in other ways so maybe you are just better off without them.

I have had some thoughtless things from friends. One of my best friends who knows we're doing ivf came round with her dh for dinner and announced their third pregnancy, an accident. They did it with "I'm so sorry faces" and I had to pretend to be happy for them. I think that was just ignorant by my god did that hurt. I spent the whole next day in bed crying. Just send a text! And I have secondary infertility; I'm sure it's even worse for primary infertility.

I also am having trouble keeping up with friends through my infertility, but what has been most shocking to me has been their reactions. One of them said