Husband refusing to have ivf

[Ro18]

Hi everyone, I just need someone to talk to.

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for the past 3 years with no success and have discovered that I have thyroid issues and a low egg count. Two weeks ago we were offered a referral on the nhs for one cycle of ivf and all we had to do to get the referral done was go for the final blood tests.

After years of cycle monitoring, thyroid blood tests, fertility blood tests, scans etc my husband has now decided that this final blood test is not worth his time and he is no longer interested in the treatment. Not to mention, he has only ever attended one appointment with me through out this process.

He moans about how hard his life has been having to deal with me doing through my infertility journey and that I’ve been a nightmare to deal with and going through ivf would make his life hell. He does not understand at all. If I cry he rolls his eyes and tells me to get over it and walks away. He continuously reminds me that this not his fault and I should learn how to manage my emotions.

This evening he’s officially said no and said that I’m a spoilt brat and he will not be pressured into going to get the blood test done.

Is this normal behaviour?

You do not want to go through ivf with this man. Infertility is a journey you are on together, it's not your infertility it's both of yours! How awful of him to put all the blame on you regardless of diagnoses. Our infertility is primarily male factor but I wouldn't for a second put any blame on my DH. Ivf is a bloody tough journey!! So much harder than ttc each month, you need to go through it with someone you can really rely on to be there on the shit days, because there is alot of them! Sorry he's been so unsupportive. Would you go it alone?

It's normal for him. He doesn't have to do it....but it sounds devastating for you. I would leave him. I really would...he sounds like he doesn;t want children.

My gut reaction would be to just get rid of the whole husband if this is a deal-breaker for you. Do you really want this man with his current behaviour to be responsible in any way for a child?

But, could it be that he's scared? Struggling? That absolutely wouldn't justify how he's behaved and he totally owes you about a million apologies, but I wonder if rather than pressing the nuclear button right away, it might be worth asking him to consider speaking with someone about his thoughts and feelings, before he makes a final decision. If he refuses and continues to be so cruel, toss him out. You don't need that kind of negativity and cruelty in your life. He doesn't have to want children or IVF, but you don't have to give up your hopes for him or put up with his behaviour.

My goodness! I have never said this on MN before but I would leave this man. I would be very surprised if this insensitivity, cruelty and blatant disregard for your feelings extends only to the subject of infertility.

It's not just that he doesn't want IVF (which, for me, would deal breaker in itself); it's the lack of care, respect and understanding with which he's treating you. Rolling his eyes? Calling you a spoilt brat? Nah.

You're not a spoilt brat and you deserve better from a partner

I’m not sure if I’d go through it alone as I’ve always wanted that family unit. I’m really confused on what to do as I’m going to be 34 at the end of the year and have been with my husband for 6 1/2 years now so starting all over again is really worrying.

He doesn’t see this as an ‘us’ thing, he only talks about it as a ‘me’ thing so it’s never been like he’s been apart of this journey at all. I just thought that when we got to this point he would say yes but I guess I was just kidding myself.

The icing on the cake is that I’m not even sure I want to do ivf. All I want is to go to speak to the clinic so that I know what my options are and then I can make a decision for myself. Instead he’s taken that away from me and just said no.

He has 2 children already with someone else but isn’t part of their life so when we got married he was obsessed with having kids and now he just tells me I’m a different person and having a kid would be a big mistake

This is where I get really confused as he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions at all. He’s a proper mans man and thinks that anything emotional is stupid and thinks that infertility is something I should only talk about to women as he’s not a women and doesn’t understand.

I know if I got pregnant naturally he would be the best father but he’s just so nasty about all this infertility stuff and I’m not sure how much more I can handle

You’re right - his behaviour is like this towards me in many ways. Every time we have a fight he threatens to leave me and the last fight we had which was last year, I told him he can leave and I won’t stop him and I’ll sign divorce papers. Guess what?! No divorce papers came through and he didn’t leave, he just told me how much of a shit person I was and then everything went back to normal.

Don’t get me wrong, majority of the time things are really good between us but as soon as something difficult comes up then he gets angry and starts saying all sorts of mad things

I’m sorry but IMO actions speak louder than words and the fact that he already has two kids he has nothing to do with says it all! He sounds more like a man child than a man’s man to be honest.

Infertility and IVF is lonely enough without having your partner onside as well, that must be incredibly hard to deal with.

Even if he won’t do the blood test there’s nothing from stopping you having a private consultation by yourself to see what your options are.

I think you have some tough decisions to make and I hope for your sake that you put yourself and your future first, however scary that may be.

Best of luck to you.

@Ro18 this is not normal behaviour, he sounds like a class A prick. Has he always been like this and is he like this about other things. Does he ever do or say anything nice? Because this sounds horrific.

When someone has a DOR time is not on their side and you need to pursue this ASAP. Why does he not want to go along with it? Does he not want children and thought it wouldn't happen naturally so he'd go along with things up until this point and hope for the worst?!

I would book in with a couple counsellor if I were you, if he doesn't want to comply with that then it sounds like he has no interest in making your relationship work.

@Ro18 reading your updates it sounds like he is emotionally abusive. This pattern of being super nice with some things and a complete dickhead with others and threatening to leave but then not going through with it, it's classic abuse behaviour.

It's also concerning that he has kids who aren't in his life, what makes you think your potential child will be any different. Why was he so keen to get you pregnant straight away? Was it that he saw his existing children as replaceable or did he want to get back at his ex- Eg look at my new family.

I honestly feel for you, you have funding for treatment and time isn't on your side. I think couples counselling is really the best option right now. If he can't see he needs to change then I worry about you and any potential child that is brought into this situation.

Those updates just make me more certain in my gut reaction that this man should be yeeted with extreme prejudice.

He's emotionally abusive, manipulative and has been a poor father to his existing children. He's shown no indication of wanting to change. Would being single for a while really be worse than staying with him and putting up with his s**t for decades to come?

Also, there are options such as egg freezing which you could look into, which could help you have a family in the future with a man who treats you better.

How does someone struggling with infertility equate to them being a split brat?! The fact that he can say this, whilst already having kids he doesn’t see, just shows how unkind and selfish he is, which is not what you want in a partner or father.

Everything you have described it very worrying and anyone reading this can easily see that this is an emotionally abusive relationship. Think about whether you really want a life with someone like that before you embark on IVF or even continue trying naturally.

You’ve said as soon as difficult things happen, he gets angry and can’t handle it - well that’s life. In future one or both of you may suffer severe illness, unemployment, bereavements etc, is he going to bail out of being a supportive partner then and blame you for everything that goes wrong?

Don’t waste your life on someone who isn’t prepared to compromise and support you.

Could you go to the appointment on your own so you can get more of an idea of your choices? I don't want to worry you but with low egg count time is of the essence when it comes to IVF. It sounds like an extremely difficult situation.

This is such a horrible situation for you OP. It sounds like he's not invested in the process or in you and the family unit you're dreaming of. Whether he's incapable of talking about his feelings or not, it doesn't mean he has the right to be emotionally abusive towards you. His behaviour is unacceptable and I would question yourself as to whether you want to be tied to this person for life by having a child together.

I left my ex husband at 30 after 8 and a half years together, I have been with my new partner for 3 and a half years now and am pregnant with twins through IVF at 40 years old. So you absolutely do not have to give up on your dreams if you leave. There are so many options available to you and so many men out there who would be the most supportive partner to you.

Infertility is a couple's journey that they go through together (unless you're going it alone without a partner of course) - it's not down to one person or the other. Personally I would worry what things would be like not only during treatment but with a baby with this person - would he see it that you are the one who wanted a baby and it's you who has to do all the work because you're the woman? I only say this because he sounds quite old fashioned in his views and behaviour.

I hope you find a way through this that is right for you - sending lots of love.

Sounds like you need to have a very open and honest conversation about where each of you stand on kids and how far each of you wants to persue fertility treatment or not as the case may be. Then some time to decide if one or both of you is willing to be flexible and meet somewhere in the middle. If not, how much having children is important to you versus staying in the relationship is a big decision to make.

I was in a relationship with a man for 6 years, married for two. He was ambivalent about starting a family and although that wasn't the only reason for our divorce, it was one of the major ones. I was 36 when we divorced. I then dated someone for the last two years but again he was non committal and it ended as we wanted different things. This year aged 39 in February I embarked upon IVF via a sperm donor and so far I have been extremely lucky that the treatment has been successful and I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

I always wanted children with or without a man in the picture. Although this isn't how I'd imagined my family life when I was younger, I am so grateful that I walked away from the marriage when I did. I really was running out of time (as it turned out I have one blocked fallopian tube, so I might have needed medical intervention regarding conception within a relationship anyway). My ex husband has recently told me that he doesn't want children, he's 41). Had I stayed with him, he would have most probably robbed me of my chance to have children.

Your husband already has children, regardless of what happens to your marriage, he will always have them. You on the other are reliant on his participation to achieve a family. Be careful he doesn't end up wasting your fertility years only for you to reach a point by which it really might be too late.

Sorry you're going through this OP.
What he says and does is information for you to know what he's capable of. He's not involved in the lives of his own little ones. He doesn't know if they're being bullied in school, if they've had a fall and isn't fighting to be involved. Why do you think things will be different with you?
If your husband is to change I fear it won't be until he's confronted with the real possibility of loosing you. If he's not aching for his children though I'm not sure he'll be that bothered.

You need to decide if you want to give this man more children and watch him grow up or remain a child.

@Ro18 after 3 years TTC and being told you need IVF it’s unlikely you will conceive naturally so by refusing to do IVF your DH has essentially said you won’t be having children. He also sounds like if you did have children he would be a terrible father - based on both his callous attitude toward you and how he has nothing to do with his existing children.

At this point you need to decide if you want to stay with someone who refuses to have children with you or cut your losses and find someone else and hopefully have children with them. I would leave him.

Good luck.

Thank you all so much for taking the time out to respond.

I’m so confused about the situation as I want to have a child but I’m unsure if I want to lose my marriage over it. My husband can be so nasty at times but when he’s good it’s perfect. We’ve also got a business together so it’s even harder just to walk away as we would both have to start again which is really hard to think about as we’ve both worked so hard to be where we are.

All of this aside, I know the way he has treated me over the years when it comes to infertility has been wrong. I could leave him and go and try to do treatment myself but there’s no guarantee that ivf will give me a baby.

I fear being left alone and with no baby. I also have thyroid problems which scares my husband.

I’m so lost.

@Ro18 does he realise the stakes are this high, that you're so fed up with his behaviour that you're close to leaving? Quite often people that behave like your husband don't think their partner will walk away and see no reason to change their behavior.

It sounds like there are many aspects to consider when it comes to your decision. That's why I mentioned counselling as a starting point. He needs to understand how you feel, because if he knows that you're close to leaving and still doesn't change, he has made your decision easy for you.

You’re spot on, he knows I won’t walk away so he carries on behaving like a knob. I’m 99.9% sure he won’t do counselling which is also sad as I think it would be good to have a third party involved when we speak about this.

I’m not sure what I’ll do next but I know I’ll forever thing he robbed me of an opportunity

@Ro18

You need to go to the fertility appointment, tell him you know you want children and you're going and that he can either come with you or you'll pursue it alone.

You clearly know that you want to pursue fertility treatment and if you don't go because of him then you will always regret it and resent him. Your relationship definitely won't survive with that level of resentment and you don't deserve to wonder what if forevermore when it comes to children.

@Ro18 My husband can be so nasty at times but when he’s good it’s perfect

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and bringing a child into this relationship to a man who is nasty to you and has nothing to do with his existing children would be wrong.

Maybe set up a thread in relationships as there is much more than ivf going on here and they always seem to give really good advice.