Husband refusing to have ivf

[Ro18]

Hi everyone, I just need someone to talk to.

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for the past 3 years with no success and have discovered that I have thyroid issues and a low egg count. Two weeks ago we were offered a referral on the nhs for one cycle of ivf and all we had to do to get the referral done was go for the final blood tests.

After years of cycle monitoring, thyroid blood tests, fertility blood tests, scans etc my husband has now decided that this final blood test is not worth his time and he is no longer interested in the treatment. Not to mention, he has only ever attended one appointment with me through out this process.

He moans about how hard his life has been having to deal with me doing through my infertility journey and that I’ve been a nightmare to deal with and going through ivf would make his life hell. He does not understand at all. If I cry he rolls his eyes and tells me to get over it and walks away. He continuously reminds me that this not his fault and I should learn how to manage my emotions.

This evening he’s officially said no and said that I’m a spoilt brat and he will not be pressured into going to get the blood test done.

Is this normal behaviour?

@Ro18 it sounds like there is a lot to think about here and it sounds really difficult. I agree with others that there seem to be a few red flags in the relationship.
Essentially whilst you're together it will be difficult to do IVF without his support and if he refuses to cooperate then he's made that decision for you.
I would suggest couples counseling as others have done but if you have the opportunity to have some counselling on your own too I think that might be helpful as discussing his behaviours with a third party might give you greater clarity on what you're prepared to deal with it the future.
Is there an option to freeze your eggs? It might take a little bit of pressure off whilst working through everything else xx

Don't allow yourself to be robbed of an opportunity to be a mother. That's more important than staying with someone who won't put your happiness first. You don't need a man to do IVF and start a family. Honestly, if he doesn't get his act together soonish, I think you need to seriously reconsider your marriage. It won't end well with him but could be very beautiful without him. Good luck!

I’ll have to book a consultation separately from the funding we have been given because we won’t get the consultation without him going for the blood test.

But you’re right, I will end up resenting him

@Ro18 it could be worth doing that final step yourself anyway.

One thing I just wanted to say is don’t let this man make you feel like you have to stay with him as no one else will have you given your fertility issues. I know infertility can break you down and make you feel worthless (I think we have all been there) and you have him being cruel to you on top of that to deal with.

You deserve to have a happy relationship and at a minimum to have the chance of having your own baby

I would definitely consider getting some counselling for yourself - it really helped me to evaluate my life and make the decision to leave my ex-husband. I’m a much better person because of it as well.

What if you went ahead for the consult said you're using a sperm donor, will that make him sit up? Although I worry he'll still be unkind when you need support.

It seems he has to see that you're willing to remove yourself from the business and the marriage.

Agree, you need to go to the appointment to show you’re serious about this. If you don’t make a stand now, you’ll be in the same position in 10 years time or sooner and your chance of kids will be gone - plus I can almost see it now that your husband will switch the blame on you and say that if you really wanted kids, you would have gone to the appointment and/or left him and had kids alone or with someone else.

I ended a 13 year relationship (about 3 years too late), but am far happier single than I was in a bad relationship and am now doing IVF alone. My only regret is not doing it sooner. My relationship was great for many years, but people change, it doesn’t mean you have to give up on something as huge as having a baby.

Sounds like you are going through this journey alone just like me. Honestly, I will tell you what my mother told me almost two years ago. "This is going to get worse. Are you able to live another 50-60 years only with this person? Are you going to be able to admire him?"
We weren't married but we were together for a long time, a really long time!
I know it is hard, especially coming from a stranger, but please think about yourself. You are not the problem! We all have issues, medical, mental, physical etc.
If you want to have children take the next step. Talk to a consultant, discuss your options. Find someone to support you irl. Personally, I am 38yo, I am single, I have found out that due to PCOS is gonna be difficult to become pregnant, so now I am exploring my options. IVF, egg and sperm donation (possibly even embryo donation), or even surrogacy.

He sounds a knob. Sorry. Vey unsupportive

Plus if he doesn’t see his other 2 kids, will he stay around for your child

Plus, you are unlikely to get nhs ivf if he has kids, cruel but true

I lost my nhs go after met a man with kids

Have you filled out forms and mentioned he is a dad

Hello! I am sorry you are going through this especially without support. Have you considered going to councelling alone at first?
Maybe they will help you on how to proceed and how to talk to him, how to go on about the subject etc.

@Ro18 hey lovely - sorry but this is going to be tough love.

This man is never going to give you the family unit you want. Leave him. You're young still! Go enjoy your life, meet someone else, do it on your own - either way having this man in your life long term will be bad news - would you really want him around your children anyway with the way he's behaving?

I'm sorry your in this position but he's overtly showing you he doesn't care about you - there's no more you need to know.

I hope you are okay :(

I know exactly how you feel as I am going through the same, but just been told that my husband cannot use him sperm for IVF due to his steroid intake which he will never stop so I am stuck do I get a sperm donor or leave

This sounds toxic as hell.

Infertility aside, this is someone who emotionally threatens and controls you. Why on earth would you want to raise a child with a person like that? It seems like you go from treading on eggshells, frightened he might leave, to believing he’s perfect. Where’s the in between?

Sorry you’re experiencing this. Infertility is a hard road so you really need to be on the same side, as a team, but you won’t achieve that or create a unit with someone so abusive and manipulative.

Also, why do your thyroid issues scare him? Aren’t they manageable?

Hey, I know this post is very old but I’m intrigued how you got on if you don’t mind sharing. I’m in a very similar situation right now and I’m not sure how to navigate!

He will not be the best father. You mentioned he isn't involved with his own kids life from previous relationship. What makes you think if you had kids with him he's any different?

Also the way he's talking to you right now he's not even worthy of being a partner let alone a dad. Cut your losses short with this one. You already wasted enough time on him.

Having a child with someone who treats you like this is not what you want. Being a parent is no walk in the park and you need to be selective with who you want as your life team member. Otherwise you are stuck co parenting with him and your kids turn out to copy such behaviours when they become adults.