IVF to conceive a sibling

[Giraffephan]

Hi,
I was on this board a couple of years ago whilst going through IVF and now I’m back.
I have a 2 year old dd who was conceived with ICSI following unknown infertility.
DD is my world and I know how incredibly lucky I am to have her.
I am getting to the stage where a lot of my friends who had their first baby the time as me are now pregnant with number 2 and I don’t know what to do. I swore I would never go through IVF again as I found it mentally really challenging and I don’t want to spend money on something which might not work when I could spend it on DD.
DH would like DD to have a sibling. Has anyone else found themselves in this situation and what did you decide to do?
Many thanks

I was lucky enough to conceive via ICSI (MF infertility) and wanted to have a sibling for DC.

We spent several years, and £££££, on cycle after cycle. We remortgaged, took out bank loans, spent on credit cards - I had 4 mc, at between 6-9 weeks pg, and 3 failed cycles. We got to the point that we couldn’t even afford the sperm storage fees. It nearly broke me and l am so, so sad we didn’t get the chance to have a sibling. I wish I had been content with the DC I was lucky enough to have instead of spending most of his small years miserable, hormonal, stressed, devastated and skint. We could be nearly mortgage free now for all the money we spent or we could have had nice holidays, trips, clothes, carpets instead of scrimping and endlessly worrying about money.

Of course if I had been successful I wouldn’t have given all the stress and money a second thought but it really was a lot to go through to have nothing at the end of it. Its your body and you who would have to go through it all so, if you don’t want to go through it again, your DH will have to accept DD will be an only child.

Hi, I have a 4 year old conceived via first round of ivf. I had two embryos remaining and when he was 2 had them both transferred. Transfer was successful but unfortunately lost my twins at 19 weeks.
I am back doing ivf again now. Egg collection should be Friday.
Like you I am so grateful for my child but I do want him to have siblings and the need for another baby is even stronger since I lost my babies.

If your diagnosis was unexplained infertility there’s a chance you may conceive naturally. Have you been trying?

I think I’d be tempted to return to the clinic, have some tests done and see what your chances are of success, whilst continuing to try naturally. Then you can make an informed decision about whether to pursue further treatment.

No we haven’t been ttc.
I know it sounds nuts but I found the 3 years we ttc really soul destroying when everyone around me was falling pregnant and it just wasn’t happening for us. I’m scared to get back into that again and I don’t want to become obsessed about getting pregnant when I should be enjoying DD.
I’m a bit reluctant to go for fertility tests as what is the point if we aren’t going to do IVF again.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. We conceived DD through a medicated IUI, she's now 2.5. Would love for her to have a sibling and we've been TTC for just over a year. No luck whatsoever. We are now self funding IVF and have our consent appointment in a few weeks. I'm quite sad tbh, I'd hoped the pregnancy would have "cured" our unexplained infertility and like you've mentioned - pretty much everyone I was friends with first time around are now expecting or have number 2.
I don't obviously have the experience of IVF first time around but I can understand why you are reluctant because of the impact on your DD, I'm feeling that too but to give the context of TTC with her around - its nowhere near as consuming as it was first time around - she doesn't really leave time for much ruminating! And certain parts of that sadness don't apply anymore if that makes sense? Like we do get to have Christmas with a little one? Probably a ridiculous example.

On the money side, I think Covid has made that a bit easier, I used to say to DH that I didn't want to spend all our money on IVF and miss out on holidays with DD, but obviously opportunities for that are a bit limited anyway.
I think for us, we know there are no guarantees and that it'll be extremely hard, and expensive and exhausting. But we do still want to give it a chance because we want a sibling for her? Saying that, there is also part of me that thinks we will be fine if she is a singleton because I find parenting really challenging at times.
That's maybe a very garbled response but just sending a bit of solidarity. Infertility is so shite.

I have a naturally conceived approaching 5 year old and been ttc for coming up 3 1/2 years now, including 4 embryo transfers, 2 egg collections and 2 cancelled cycles. I have at times been a very miserable mum to my dd as I've been so sad about it all. If it eventually works then of course it will be worth it, but if I eventually give up then I feel I will have wasted years not being 'happy mum'. I started trying for dc2 at the same time as my NCT friends and some of them have had their second and third in that time. It hurts.

Hi OP, I'm fortunate in that I have frozen embryos to try with, but otherwise very similar to you, DD is nearly 2 and I am broody again, but I found IVF incredibly stressful and emotional. I'm more keen than DP who is happy with one. When we were trying to have our first our attitude was basically "whatever it takes, however much we have to spend we will try everything" but now we have DD I'm mindful of the effect on her quality of life, both financially and emotionally. We have decided we will use the frozen embryos but if that is not successful, that's the end for us. I don't know for sure but I guess in your position we would have set a limit of one or two tries.

I’m in a similar position. Had DD on first round of IVF and started trying for no 2 when she was 1,5 years old. That was two years ago. In the meantime, I have had 4 transfers, 1 new egg collection, 3 chemicals (including a random natural one) and spent a small fortune. Once you get started, it is really, really hard to stop. I keep saying “this cycle is the last one” and then when it fails, I jump straight into the next one so as not to have to deal with the pain of giving up. Like other ladies have said, if it ends up working then it will have all been worthwhile, but if it doesn’t it will feel like a huge waste of time, money and joyful moments spent with DD. Each time I go for a cycle she feels something is wrong and becomes very difficult (she usually starts rejecting me).

@Totallyworthit Thanks for sharing your story. It really got me thinking. I think i need to stop this madness before it eats us all up...

I feel this thread was written just for how I am feeling. I have a 2 year old who was a bit of a miracle natural conception. I have low ovarian reserve (AMH 3.5 at 35 years old) and husband has low sperm count. We have just had a failed ICSI cycle, we didn't manage to get any embryos to transfer. We have our consultant review regarding this failed cycle tomorrow. I really don't think I want to do it again. Due to covid and the fact that I was a poor responder (so stimmed for 16 days) ended up isolating for almost a month. Which meant taking my 2 year old out of nursery and normally my mum does childcare 1 day a week too. My 2 year old spent the month asking for "Nanna" and to see her friends in nursery. I know its done her no harm and we have had lots of quality family time, also used the time for potty training. But I dont think I want to spend so much time focusing on IVF and feeling I'm neglecting my daughter. For the past week when things didn't work I have been an emotional wreck which my daughter has definitely picked up on. On the other hand I really want a sibling for her. I have a really close relationship with my sister and I want that for my daughter too. I am thinking about adoption now instead of another round of IVF. But my husband is quite keen to try the IVF route a little more. We said prior to starting this cycle if the response was poor (which it was- I only got 1 mature egg which didn't develop past 6 cells) we wouldn't try again. I am so torn!

Me.

Had DC from 1st ivf cycle FET. Since then I've had 5 ivf cycles (including 1 donor egg cycle) - 5 failed transfers, a MC, and a cycle where nothing was suitable to transfer.

Currently undertaking immunes testing to see if that's what the issue is.

Started TTC number 2 when DC was 2. They will be 7 this year

Thanks for all the replies. Nice to know I am not the only one.
I need to sit down with DH and have a proper conversation about it. Part of me must want a second baby as I can’t throw or give away any of DD’s baby stuff just in case.
DD was born 7 weeks early and was in hospital for 3 weeks so I would also love to experience a “normal” birth where I don’t have to leave my baby in hospital.
Having to have IVF and then a premature baby has really tested me and I just don’t know if I can do it all again.

It's really hard to know what to do @Giraffephan

I have a DD aged 7 months who was conceived on cycle 3 and we are about to start again.

I found IVF extremely rough first time around but feel very different going into it again. It was such a battle to get DD and I won't let IVF ruin my precious time with her.

We have said we'll do 4 cycles and hopefully get two ECs in this year. I really want to experience pregnancy and birth again, and for DD not to be an only child.

Good luck whatever you decide!

I am in a very similar boat.
I just had my first IUI two days ago.
We already have a 5 year old who was conceived naturally after 2 years!
Diagnosed as unexplained infertility, all our tests were fine both times.
Can I ask why you went straight to IVF for your second and was IUI successful for you on the first cycle?I am really hoping this first IUI works as hubby doesn’t want to do IVF and as I have really struggled with the meds for IUI I agree that it might break me!
I have definitely acquired a lot more respect for women that do IVF as I have felt overwhelmed at times and know IVF is far tougher.

Hi @Violet36 - is that question for me?

All my blood tests to confirm ovulation were inconclusive first time around so the medication boosted ovulation. This time around my bloods are showing ovulation so the consultant has said there is too high a risk of multiples with a medicated IUI and realistically it doesn’t give much more of a chance than continuing to try naturally. Needless to say, that’s just their advice for our circumstances and we do having living proof that IUI can work!

Yes it was, sorry am new here.
I think I would have tried another IUI if my first one worked first time.
From what I’ve read it’s extremely lucky to succeed first time though..
Like you say it’s all different for individual situations.
Good luck with the IVF.
I would give it a go but it’s the money situation for us..
Just paid well over 2k for IUI and like you said you can’t help feeling a bit guilty because of all the other things it could have been spent on.

Hello, please can i join you ladies?

I am in a similar situation, have a DD after 3 rounds of ICSI (male factor infertility). She will turn 3 in the summer and i am desperate to give her a sibling.
We have been trying for a sibling naturally for just over a year, was kind of hoping taking a slightly relaxed approach to having a second might magically work for us and we would get lucky but as each month comes and goes i am reminded just how sad and unfair it all is, and has been anything but relaxed, it quickly becomes all consuming.

I work in a nursery and all the children my daughters age already have siblings or one on the way which just seems to highlight our failings more, the jealousy is unreal.
When going through it all the first time i just wanted to be lucky enough to have one child but now we have her i want nothing more than to do it all again and give her a sibling.

I think me and my husband have been putting off having the conversation about where we go from here, but after reading this thread i brought it up and we have decided to look in to doing ICSI again, work out finances and options and then get the ball rolling.
In a weird way feels like a weight has been lifted knowing we have a plan to go forward with but i am also filled with dread thinking about going through it all again. We were lucky enough to be NHS funded before, this time we will be paying so the money factor adds stress too and will end up dictating how many rounds we can do.

It's just all so unfair.
Good luck to you all xx

Hi Coco,
I feel your pain with this.
We have now been trying 3 years for no2 and I honestly never thought it would end up like this.
I think I was convinced that the first pregnancy would shock my body and conceiving a second time would be easy.
I think we have tried everything over the years..preseed,temping,ovulation kits,and of course the one everyone thinks is a winner...
The forgetting about ‘trying’ and enjoying ourselves approach.
This one does make me want to smash something when people suggest it to me mind!
The jealousy is unreal and soo unfair especially when you see parents with multiple kids that they don’t look after properly!
I think for me I find it so frustrating that they can’t find anything wrong with our tests because i always say you can’t try and fix a problem that doesn’t exist.
You were lucky to get funded with your first treatment,did you go straight to that or did you try something else first? What is ICSI,I’ve actually not heard of it before?
The nhs got as far as a lap and dye for us and literally the following month after that I was pregnant!
I would start the ball rolling with your next go, I wish I had of done around the year mark instead of holding out.
Go for it and don’t look back xx best of luck

So we had our consultant review on Friday about our failed round where we were not left with an embryo to transfer. He has said the chances of success are virtually zero if we try again so has mentioned donor eggs. I really don't know how to feel about this. I am not against it and it would (hopefully) give that sibling. But will it be the same? Anyone got thoughts on this?

Oh no that’s not what you want to hear at all is it.
If it was me I’d refuse to believe there being zero chance if I had already conceived naturally.
Is there nothing else they can try to improve your eggs..different drugs etc? It’s a lot of money to risk though isn’t it.
Only you can decide what’s best for you on this one and how badly you want another child.
If it was me I would take donor eggs over adoption any day but then I guess that all depends on if you really enjoyed the whole pregnancy part?
I loved being pregnant so that’s part of wanting another child too.
How does your hubby feel about the donor eggs? Will they use his sperm?
It’s a big decision to make so take your time with it x

Also.. my friend was told they had zero chance of conceiving naturally because she had a diminished egg reserve and was going through early menopause!
They did it though..their little boy is now 2 and they are trying for their second.

Thank you, the consultant did say there was a small chance we can concieve naturally as we had already (my daughters only 2) and I am only 35. But he did say this would be unusual and not to set our hopes on this. We also have male factor as well as my low ovarian reserve so feeling its probably unlikely. My husband hadn't even considered donor eggs as he didn't think I would. But we are both thinking about it now. I have just emailed the counselling service at my clinic to have some sessions as think I need to talk it all through. I have spent all weekend feeling like there's no purpose now. As spent the last year focusing on this cycle and not sure where to turn now. Thank you for your support

Hi everyone. Can I join? We have a 2 year old DD conceived from our second round of IVF. Our FET last summer ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks. My fresh IVF cycle has failed (just tested this morning). I am 44 so there is practically no chance of either IVF or natural conception working. But I feel that I should give DD a sibling if I possibly can - especially with us being older parents.

@Donimo sorry your consultation was so negative.

I have a friend who has a second child with donor eggs and another who is currently going through FETs with donor eggs for her second. I think it is a great option - my hesitation personally is partly that I don't think I could persuade DP (just because he hates the whole process of IVF so much that adding a donor in would be too much for him). The other challenge is that I think I would want a known donor (ie someone who the child could contact) and I'm nervous about the time it would take to find one, given my age.

I joined a FB site about it a while ago. Also my friend is part of a support network for donor recipients. I can find the details of both of you are interested?

Xxx

@Donimo sorry to hear your review didnt go well, it must feel like such a blow. I think your right to book in with the councellor and talk things through, it might help you come up with a new plan. Donor eggs are a good option although i will admit i dont know much about it so it must feel overwhelming. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family.

@Janefx40 welcome, i am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and failed cycle, it is all just so unfair.

@Violet36 it must be incredibly frustrating to be given a diagnosis of unexplained, i really hope this one works for you.

We were very lucky to get NHS funding the first time round, we were rejected by the CCG twice then tried again and got accepted. We went straight for ICSI as we have male factor and our consultant felt it was our best chance. ICSI is intracytoplasmic sperm injection, they select a single healthiest looking sperm and inject it straight in to the egg.
Took 5 years, 3 rounds and a miscarriage but we got there in the end.

Had my patience tested again today when someone at work asked me will i be having anymore children as my daughter is nearly 3, it immediately got my prickles up and i said well yes i would like another child but it was a long and hard journey to have our first as we did IVF so we will just have to see. She replied oh well your lucky to have one then so it wont matter if you cant have anymore. And i just felt so annoyed i thought yes i know i am incredibly lucky to have our DD but that doesnt mean i am not like other people who want to have more children! Maybe i am just being over sensitive, all the looking in to doing it again has made me emotional!

I started looking in to our options today and at packages they offer, feels so wrong looking at what 'package' is the right one to give us a chance of having another baby.

@Coco24 I'm sorry that person was so insensitive. I don't think people who've never been through infertility understand what it is like.

I have found IVF different this time around. It has been less stressful because last time I was overwhelmed by this panic and grief that I would never become a Mum. That isn't there now which has made it much easier. On the other hand, I feel a bigger responsibility to try to give my daughter the best life possible which in our situation means a sibling. So that is a different pressure.

It's also harder logistically doing IVF when you already have a child because of childcare. But overall it hasn't been bad...it's just shit that it hasn't worked!!!

@Donimo I am really surprised to hear that was what your consultant told you. Did they give a specific reason why they can be so confident- especially given that you conceived not so long ago your first child? Did they not suggest further examinations etc? We know that many people take multiple rounds (especially with low amh as it might be in one month there aren't good eggs but in another there may be?) , there is learning from the first cycle and medicines can be modified according to your response etc, so it is very surprising for me that you were given this advice.