Secondary infertility feeling very depressed need support

[queenqueenqueen]

Feel like I could really use some support. I just feel like other than my husband I have nobody to talk to 😥 feeling so so down in the dumps today.

So sorry to hear have you thought about acupuncture iv read a couple got told they can't have children and they ended up having 3

@greybeans

So sorry to hear have you thought about acupuncture iv read a couple got told they can't have children and they ended up having 3

Please don't come here with this. You're probably trying to help, but it's really really not helpful

@greybeans @campas yes I have because quite honestly I would try anything!!!

Acupuncture is actually recommended by numerous fertility clinics (ours does it in-house). Some clinics also partner with Chinese Medicine practitioners.

I've recently started acupuncture and it is definitely helping with anxiety (stress affects hormones etc).

As for age... if you're 37 or under, it's likely your eggs will still be decent quality, even if you don't have many left!

In my case, I started late (first child born at 36) so treatments are less likely to work for me. I'm healthy otherwise, but my egg supply is low and quality may not be great as I'm 38.

@FieldsAndSun - I really relate to how you feel... I live in fear of friends announcing their second pregnancies!

Several of our friends are a couple of years younger, so probably have a better chance than me.

Without seeing others' multiple children, it would probably be a bit easier to accept and enjoy having only one child (who we are VERY fortunate to have).

I'm pleased that tests have showed I'm generally in good shape - but my ovarian reserve is clearly reduced, and that may mean that treatments don't work well for me. We're going to try, but are also trying to accept that it may not happen (I find the stress easier to manage that way).

[quote CC81]@FieldsAndSun - I really relate to how you feel... I live in fear of friends announcing their second pregnancies!

Several of our friends are a couple of years younger, so probably have a better chance than me.

Without seeing others' multiple children, it would probably be a bit easier to accept and enjoy having only one child (who we are VERY fortunate to have).

I'm pleased that tests have showed I'm generally in good shape - but my ovarian reserve is clearly reduced, and that may mean that treatments don't work well for me. We're going to try, but are also trying to accept that it may not happen (I find the stress easier to manage that way).[/quote]
Every single one of my nct have their second babies. I'm now living in fear of third baby pregnancy announcements!

Today I called my clinic to make the switch to IVF from IUI. I feel like IUI could potentially be a waste of time and money.

Really hoping we can get on with it this month. But I'm new and possibly naive to think we can.

Apologies if I was snippy about acupuncture. Just fed up of the 'just relax' advice etc..

campus I'm hearing the third baby announcements all the time too, it's exhausting
CC81 I agree, I am so grateful for DD. I so very wish for a sibling for her but at the same time, part of me thinks what I really need to do is stop concentrating on what an imaginary sibling can give her and concentrate on what myself and DH can give her, adventures, 1:1 time, all our love and attention...I want to come to terms with the fact it might not happen for us as it's extremely painful to put the idea of the sibling relationship on a pedestal and for it to potentially never materialise...I mean who knows, they could hate each other! x

@campas - No problem  I feel a bit the same when people talk about 'fertility diets' etc - we conceived our first child at a time when we were drinking quite a lot (socially) and had just been through a massive DIY house renovation, exposed to all kinds of dust and chemicals (and frequently eating naughty food!).

I think making drastic lifestyle changes can often just cause more stress - so I'm trying to keep things pretty normal. However, I have long-term recurring issues with anxiety and bad sleep, so for me the acupuncture is worth a shot even just for helping those. If a side effect is better fertile health, then great!

@FieldsAndSun - I'm trying to 'twin track' my thoughts on pursuing a second child. On one side I'm accepting the idea that it won't happen and (like you) focusing on all the great stuff we can do with our daughter, especially in the next few years (instead of having a baby to deal with).

On the other side, if we go ahead with fertility treatment, I want to view it almost like a medical experiment... a process that we have to get through, step by step, and see what happens. I think that'll help me deal with the mental pressure better.

But I know I'll still get super-nervous at every stage

@FieldsAndSun

campus I'm hearing the third baby announcements all the time too, it's exhausting CC81 I agree, I am so grateful for DD. I so very wish for a sibling for her but at the same time, part of me thinks what I really need to do is stop concentrating on what an imaginary sibling can give her and concentrate on what myself and DH can give her, adventures, 1:1 time, all our love and attention...I want to come to terms with the fact it might not happen for us as it's extremely painful to put the idea of the sibling relationship on a pedestal and for it to potentially never materialise...I mean who knows, they could hate each other! x

It's an odd dichotomy but when I picture our future, it's me, husband and our one son. No one else, and it's happy and beautiful. But here I am going through ivf for a second baby! Doesn't make sense.

I just know that if we never get another baby, I'll make sure we have a wonderful life, with more money for leisure, holidays etc and I'll make sure my son knows he can invite friends back everyday if he wants to

@monsterad - I'm trying to take the same view as you (and hopefully I'll succeed!).

It's a funny one. When I was younger, I always vaguely expected to have children (probably two) - but had no specific plans. I was scared to death by the whole idea of pregnancy and babies.

Then by 35 I was ready to give it a go. I liked the idea of creating a person that was part of each of us. It was all pretty straightforward and we had a general feeling of "great, done that - what a relief".

The second baby idea has mainly been inspired by wanting a sibling for our daughter - and of course, the harder it's got, the more we've wanted it.

But I don't think I have strong feelings about wanting another baby (simply for the love of babies) - and I'm now unsure whether it was ever a serious desire in the past, or just social conditioning. Both I and my husband had a sibling each, who played a huge role in our childhoods - so that's probably an influence too.

I do want my child to have a sibling and it's always going to upset me seeing other multiple-child families. But I'm trying to be honest about what those feelings really are. It's tough!

I do want my child to have a sibling and it's always going to upset me seeing other multiple-child families. But I'm trying to be honest about what those feelings really are. It's tough!

This is me completely. I find seeing multiple families really upsetting.

I do genuinely want another baby, maybe I'm not letting myself imagine it when looking into the future.

I’m 40 soon and had 3 mmc and a cp since 38 and a half . Like many of you fell pg almost immediately with dd. I have low amh and guessing mcs are egg quality related as hubby’s sperm are amazing apparently! Probably why it’s getting through all these bad eggs . I’m considering donor eggs , is that an option for any of you ? I’m doing ivf but feel in my bones that the result probably won’t go my way . My main driver is a sibling for my daughter and I think it might be the only solution x

@Sunshinelove8 - I think donor eggs/sperm are brilliant and totally understand why others do it, but it's not for us.

We've agreed that we'd prefer to adopt, rather than have a child that was only genetically related to one of us (and not the other).

We'd need to give adoption a LOT of consideration, and may well decide to stay as we are - but it's a wonderful thought to give a child a better chance at life (and give our daughter a sibling).

I have thought about adoption but I’d be worried about how the child would effect our dd . I understand from my sister who went through the process that you don’t often get a baby but a child that may have issues because of the environment they were previously in . That’s just a bit of a risk in my mind . It’s so hard isn’t it :/ I think it’s a really admirable thing to do but it isn’t for me

With the donor egg situation my dh suggested we use donor sperm too but I’d want the child related to one of us . Also you still get to carry and give birth .

I’m hoping that we all get our own babies though and miracles do happen x

So sorry to hear about your MC @sunshinelove8 😔 mine has hit me so hard and feel like unless I have another baby I'll never properly get over it 😔 such a shit situation x

Yeah that’s how I feel . Totally shit 😞 I hope we all get there xx

Struggling a bit today, a good friend and I went through infertility together but she got her baby (third) about 9 months ago....I’ve said to her and everyone that we aren’t trying to conceive anymore as I didn’t want our failures known to anyone else except myself and DH anymore...she thinks I’ve come to terms with having one child, which I haven’t...so maybe it’s partly my fault but she herself experienced three years of infertility to have her third so I thought she’d have more sensitivity. She constantly updates me on her baby. Even if she did think I’m not trying to conceive anymore wouldn’t she realise it’s a long process. Another friend said it’s like a bereavement, letting go of your ‘perfect’ dream and moving forward, this other friend said it will take time for your brain to make new connections...I am in two minds about continuing so what she said really helped. But this friend whose just had a baby constantly sends me photos of her baby sleeping, in cute clothes etc...and I end up replying ‘oh so cute’ etc then feel so angry and upset after...it feels like she’s emotionally torturing me, even if she doesn’t realise it

@FieldsAndSun

Struggling a bit today, a good friend and I went through infertility together but she got her baby (third) about 9 months ago....I’ve said to her and everyone that we aren’t trying to conceive anymore as I didn’t want our failures known to anyone else except myself and DH anymore...she thinks I’ve come to terms with having one child, which I haven’t...so maybe it’s partly my fault but she herself experienced three years of infertility to have her third so I thought she’d have more sensitivity. She constantly updates me on her baby. Even if she did think I’m not trying to conceive anymore wouldn’t she realise it’s a long process. Another friend said it’s like a bereavement, letting go of your ‘perfect’ dream and moving forward, this other friend said it will take time for your brain to make new connections...I am in two minds about continuing so what she said really helped. But this friend whose just had a baby constantly sends me photos of her baby sleeping, in cute clothes etc...and I end up replying ‘oh so cute’ etc then feel so angry and upset after...it feels like she’s emotionally torturing me, even if she doesn’t realise it

Honestly I have the same issue! A friend knows I'm goi g through ivf and is always updating me on weaning her second etc!

Just because I have one, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt that we seemingly can't have another! People are so insensitive

monsterad It’s so hard isn’t it, the constant updates on friends babies and having to appear happy when I feel broken, is just so hard. I feel like she’s forgotten all the pain of infertility. She’s on the other side and I’m happy for her but she now has seemingly no understanding of how it felt...if I ever get my miracle Ive made a vow to myself I will never do that to a friend ❤️

@FieldsAndSun are you ttc your first or second? If first then she's absolutely a shit friend. Sorry if that's harsh.. but she should be the first person to have empathy.

It could be beneficial to say something. Yes, she's then know you're still struggling, but do you want to keep someone in your life that's causing you pain anyway?

I know that seems so black and white but I'm of the age and stage to know life is too short for inconsiderate people

Hi guys, I suggest you tell your friends how you feel . True friends will really understand and at least limit the constant photos and updates .You shouldn’t have to pretend with friends or apologise for how you feel . My bf is about to have her second , I’m actually missing her 40th get together this month after my 3 mmc in a year. It’s too raw , she knows that and she understands. I protect myself as much as I can with friends because I have no control over work colleagues / public etc but I can control what my friends expose me to and social media etc xx

monsterad Sunshine thanks for your replies.

We are TTC our second, I have a 7 year old...the problem is there are three friends in my social group who have recently given birth. We are in a group of 8...there were 4 out of the 8 who I talked deeply too about my feelings but when the three friends had their babies, one in lockdown, all of the friends who I had talked to swoon over the babies and pictures went flying in our WhatsApp constantly...my feelings got completely sidelined and to be honest I no longer regard them as close friends, I have felt very hurt for months, which is why two months ago I decided to tell them all we aren’t trying anymore. I do still talk to my mum and ofcourse DH

Have you told them you’re struggling with the choice and therefore would appreciate if they can keep baby chat to a minimum. Tbh if they hadn’t got what they wanted they probably would feel just like you do . I really think it’s best to be honest , you don’t have to say your still ttc’ing but even if you had decided to have one child - it would still hurt and take time to adjust to a decision like that . When my bf couldn’t have children I could not believe the amount of baby talk her friends did around her ( there are other things to talk about in life!) I had one child and didn’t feel the need to ever talk about her in-front of my friend . I think it’s totally insensitive and you need to protect your heart . Exit the chat and just talk 121 with them if they can’t help themselves
Just around ttc , I’m guessing you have had all the tests done ? Xx

Thanks Sunshine yes I only meet them 1:1 now and although I’m in the chat I keep my replies to the minimum and infrequent. I haven’t told them I’m still making the decision of whether to stop TTC, I’ve said I have stopped TTC completely. To be honest, I have a sense of relief, as now I don’t feel like they expect updates etc and I’m a very private person so I actually am glad no one else knows we are continuing on this journey except my parents and DH. It made it easier that they were so insensitive when the three gave birth as I felt I could draw a line under telling them any more personal info....Preciously I felt like I would get swept up in my emotions when discussing my infertility and it always made me feel awful.

But the truth is, we are going to go through this process wherever it takes us, I love our family as a three but I have to do this, i will stop if I mentally can’t take anymore but I’m not at that point yet.

I’ve had all the tests, there is no reason for our infertility apart from the fact I spot for five days every month before my period so possibly there is an egg quality issue, the doctor said we won’t know unless we look at the eggs during IVF, I’m on a medicated cycle with clomid, suprecur, HCG*2 this month, if it fails we may have a few more goes then will move onto IVF

Good luck , I’m moving into ivf shortly. My bf struggled and then did ivf and is not on sending child from one cycle xx