Hoping for friends - anyone having a really hard pg after ivf?

[October2020]

I'm about 11 weeks pregnant after an IVF cycle after 3+ years of infertility. IVF was hard - I know it is for everyone. Got our positive test and was over the moon...

...and now I'm having a really hard pregnancy. No sickness or any real symptoms which is great but I am bleeding plus lots of hospital visits/admissions.

Really want to be excited and join the threads for mums due in october etc but I can't shake the feeling that this pregnancy is going to go wrong/isn't meant to be. I don't feel like I belong with all the excited first time mums. Every time I allow myself to get excited I panic that I've tempted fate and now we will lose the baby. I am trying to find the statistics reassuring but having been infertile, you suddenly realise that it is possible for you to be the 1% or the 0.001% that something bad happens to.

I knew infertility and IVF were hard but I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy to be this hard too. I'm feeling really down and tearful when I know I should be trying to be excited. Feeling a bit broken and hoping for some friends :(

You’re definitely not alone. Firstly I want to say that I am so so grateful to be pregnant. I know how very lucky I am to be in this position.

The first trimester was the worst for me. I had numerous panic attacks - DH found me sobbing on the floor saying I couldn’t continue more than once. I do now partly attribute that to the meds as I weened off them after 10 weeks and my MH improved dramatically. I had a lot of spotting/bleeding during this time too. I dreaded announcing the news as I knew everyone would be so excited and I wasn’t feeling that way.

I’ll be 28 weeks tomorrow and I still continually worry although it has got easier. We hadn’t bought anything until a week ago because I was worried about tempting fate. I only did that due to worrying about lockdown continuing until the baby comes. To be honest I don’t think I’ll relax until he is in my arms. And then I’m sure a whole new type of worry starts!

There is a thread in birth clubs for ivf ladies due around the same time as you. They seem super supportive.

You’re definitely not alone in feeling like this.

I don't feel like I belong with all the excited first time mums. Every time I allow myself to get excited I panic that I've tempted fate and now we will lose the baby. I am trying to find the statistics reassuring but having been infertile, you suddenly realise that it is possible for you to be the 1% or the 0.001% that something bad happens to.

I could have written this myself. I don’t think these feelings are often talked about though, because there isn’t anywhere that it feels appropriate. It seems ungrateful and selfish to talk about it amongst infertile women as obviously we’re lucky to be one of the ones who have got pregnant through IVF (not as lucky as those who can get pregnant without ivf, but still lucky). I felt like my overriding emotion should have been one of gratitude that I’d finally become pregnant rather than one of anxiety about when it was all going to go wrong. And it felt wrong to piss on the excitement of the other pregnant women in the pregnancy boards, plus I felt like a fraud and that I’d be an imposter there as I’m an infertile and my experience felt a million miles away from that of the majority of the pregnant women.

I don’t think there is an answer or anything I can say to make you feel any better, but I spent an entire pregnancy catastrophising (about ectopic, miscarriage, late miscarriage and still birth) and not really allowing myself to believe there would actually be a baby at the end of it.

The whole experience felt pretty lonely, so although I can’t say anything to make you feel any better or to relieve you of your worries, I can say that you’re really not alone.

I’m not pregnant but going through IVF and a friend who did similar said after going through infertility, pregnancy is just another 9 months of worry and stress. For all of us pregnancy isn’t an easy or stereotypical road. I think for you that accepting you’re having a different pregnancy and you will celebrate when baby is in your arms might help and don’t put yourself under pressure to be excited or react in a stereotypical way. Try to just focus on self care and trying to improve your mental health.

For context, my DB and SIL lost a baby at 25 weeks. My DSIS then got pregnant a year later with her third baby and she said that this pregnancy is totally coloured by worry about what can go wrong now that it has touched our wider family. With infertility we are going through so much hardship before we even get to pregnancy.

Take care of yourself

OP just jumping on to say unfortunately the feeling doesn’t go away. Would really strongly recommend you find or start a thread in antenatal - we had one called pregnancy after infertility when I was first pregnant in 2016 that was a lifeline (and we still catch up on babies after infertility - often supporting each other through subsequent pregnancies, ivf rounds and losses).

Agreed. With everything. I had a horrendous (ivf) pregnancy.

I had terrible pelvic girdle pain that started at about 11/12 weeks. I was on crutches by 28 (not because I didn't need them before then, but that was when I saw the physio who gave them to me). I couldn't leave the house by 30 weeks. And I'd never even heard of pgp! It all felt so isolating after ivf, which was so very isolating too. It felt so unfair after years of unfair.

I agree this definitely is not the board for this though. Is it worth you reporting it to have it moved somewhere more appropriate? Not sure where that is...

Hugs. Pregnancy can be so tough. Which is all the more awful for the terrible time you had to go through to get pregnant...

You have my best wishes and good luck!

Thank you for all your messages. I'm sorry if I've put this in an inappropriate board and hurt anybody, that absolutely wasn't my intention.

It is so helpful to hear of your stories although I'm sorry that other people have had a hard time too. It has made me feel much less alone.

I will try to find a more suitable board/thread. Just thank you so much again for showing me I am not alone xx

I recognise so much of what has been said here. I'm 23 weeks after IVF after many years of infertility. Apologies for continuing this thread which I see could be better placed (though where I don't know) but I wanted to offer the OP some support.

we’re lucky to be one of the ones who have got pregnant through IVF (not as lucky as those who can get pregnant without ivf, but still lucky).

I recognised that I was lucky when I first got my BFP but it didn't feel real. I sort of felt like a fraud, like it wasn't real, this couldn't happen to me. Years of infertility had affected my sense of identity. I guess I had always been torn between "it'll happen one day" and "I'll never be a mother". That shit is hard to shake.

Just wanted to offer some light. Without wishing to jinx my own baby boy, I do now feel lucky. Luckier even than those who got pregnant naturally because I appreciate it. I wouldn't say I'm complacent, but I'm certainly not panicking any more and have settled into being pregnant. You're bleeding so naturally you're concerned, especially after the hard road to get pregnant. My sister bled with my nephew and my mum bled with me. Unless you're told otherwise, the outcome of an 11 week pregnancy is still highly likely to be a baby. Hopefully the difficulties you're having will subside and your confidence will grow as mine did

Also, just to add, despite the current pressures on the NHS, you should really tell your midwife how you're feeling and ask for some support. I hope you're not suffering your anxiety alone and in silence

I'm sorry if I've put this in an inappropriate board and hurt anybody, that absolutely wasn't my intention.

I think although this isn’t the best place for your post, I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to put it in the pregnancy area or feel comfortable doing so as you’re likely to get a completely different set of replies from people who have no real understanding of what this is like. In some ways I think, posting here is the least bad place to put it. And your thread title does suggest what your post is about so anyone who is likely to find it upsetting can avoid opening it. The only thing I would say is that it might be worth asking MN changing “pg” in the title to pregnancy as then it would be harder for anyone to inadvertently click on the thread without noticing what it is about.

I hope the comments on here won’t atop you from continuing to post if it’s helpful as feeling the way you do is hard and miserable.

Thank you everybody. I've had a look at other places to put it and I can't find anywhere that feels more suitable. Maybe that's just my headspace at the moment... but I don't belong alongside all the other pregnancy posts.

Feeling so frustrated today. My bleeding has sort of slowed - but I have bled every single day since 6 weeks - and my head does horrible things, like wondering whether the bleeding is slowing because the baby isn't growing any more so it isn't pushing it out. Yesterday I got myself into a real state about coronavirus being here to prove to me that I shouldn't be pregnant!!! That I went against the natural order of things to get pregnant and now I am, the world is punishing me. Even though i KNOW that is ridiculous.

We have our 12 week scan on Tuesday and I'm trying to be calm. I know that the odds of a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat and a correctly sized baby at 10+4weeks is really small - but so were the odds of not getting pregnant within a year. So were the odds of not getting pregnant within two years. So were the odds of being infertile. So were the odds of needing IVF. It feels inevitable that I will be the tiny odds of a problem next week too.

Sorry for the doom and gloom. I can't tell you how much it helps to feel less alone.

The odds of having infertility really aren't all that small, and they're certainly higher than the odds for miscarriage at your stage. But from the sounds of it, you know you're not being rational and can't help it. I'm sorry your anxiety is so bad. I really think you should speak to the midwife about it when you have your scan. They are supposed to monitor your mental health, so they would want you to say if you're struggling.

Have the doctors said why they think you're bleeding or if they'd expect it to stop at some point? Is it causing them concern?

Are you still on meds? As I mentioned in my pp my anxiety lifted hugely after stopping them. It was pretty much instant too.

I asked the midwife at our booking in appointment for mental health support but understandably that hasn't been forthcoming considering everything going on. I will ask at the scan for support again because I'm really miserable.

The bleeding is coming from a haematoma - my understanding was that these were connected to the placenta (subchorionic?) but the sonographer said no, or if it was it was right at the very very edge of it. It has grown on every scan I've seen it on, although the baby+sac is now bigger than the bleed which is good news I think. And the bleed is below the baby (as in, closer to the cervix) which apparently is also good too. They don't SEEM worried - nobody has said to prepare for a miscarriage or anything drastic, but equally they just keep saying things like 'wait and see' and 'every day is better than the day before', neither of which are at all reassuring. I know they can't be too positive because you'd be devastated if you did then lose the baby but their lack of 'this looks good to me!' type comments are really stressing me out.

Not taking any meds anymore (stopped the progesterone at about 8 weeks) but obviously that wasn't that long ago considering I've been taking or injecting something since October!

Thank you for listening

Keep posting if it’s helpful OP.

The feeling of being a fraud and that it’s not meant to be will get better. I can’t tell you when it will, but it will.

Don’t be surprised though if you have the 12 week scan and all is well, but you still don’t feel any better or any less likely that you’re going to be the 1% who something bad happens to. I hope this doesn’t make you feel worse, but certainly for me I thought I would feel ok when I got to the 12 week scan milestone, I didn’t so thought I would at 20 weeks, then 24 weeks, then 30 weeks and then when the baby arrived. I think it took me between about 6 and 12 months after the baby was born to stop feeling like a complete imposter and catastrophising.

Hopefully you won’t have the same experience and you’ll feel better sooner, but I thought it was worth mentioning so you’re not too hard on yourself if you find you don’t feel any better after your 12 week scan.

'wait and see' and 'every day is better than the day before', neither of which are at all reassuring

No, that's not reassuring, but as you say, I guess they have to be careful that they aren't giving false guarantees.

I had to look up subchorionic haematoma because I didn't know what it was. Presumably you've read up on it, so it's no surprise you're feeling the way you are having this complication after infertility. But the outlook still sounds promising from what I've read and what you've said, so I think you need help to get your anxiety under control. From what I understand, the longer your pregnancy goes on, the less likely this is to cause a problem so maybe that's why you're hearing the insensitive "wait and see", but hopefully you'll be able to feel more reassured in a few weeks and won't feel like this for your entire pregnancy.

I feel for you though I think most women would worry about it even if they had gotten pregnant easily. It's just not what you expect pregnancy to be like. Have you found anyone else who has/had it? Perhaps that's worth exploring or beginning a thread about?

I felt exactly the same as @EarlGreyT. I was googling 'miscarriage at 19 weeks' and it took to 26 weeks for me to turn to my DH and say 'there's actually going to be a baby here'.

DS is nearly 6 and I still check he's breathing in the middle of the night.

Hiya! I had big problems in my ivf pregnancy. I had pelvic girdle pain from 8 weeks. Huge bleeds at 6 and 8 weeks from a subchoronic haematoma. I bled all the way to 17 weeks.Then I had restricted cord flow to baby. Then finally sky high blood pressure and the liver condition where you itch. I was scared every single day. The baby is now 5 and a funny, crazy, loving little boy who we both adore x

Oh my! That's sounds dreadful @cutesbabasmummy. Love a good news story though.

So sorry you had such a rough pregnancy but selfishly that makes me so happy to read (if you know what I mean!!) @cutesbabasmummy especially the bleeding, it just seems so abnormal you know? I wasn't expecting to wear pads the entire way through my pregnancy, I thought maybe just at the end...! Glad your baby is here and wonderful.

Thanks @Shmabel I don't know anyone else and tbh I'm not even sure if I have it - the nurse said 'haematoma' not the subchorionic bit and when I asked the sonographer she said it wasn't under the placenta or maybe just under the very very edge but she didn't seem worried.

To be fair the sonographer did say "that's a happy baby, if baby is happy then we are happy" so maybe I should focus on that. Hard to listen to her when I was bleeding like mad through my jeans though

You're all so lovely. Thank you so much for being wonderful and making me feel so much less alone xx

That all sounds really positive, October, and I'm glad you're feeling less alone

I’m about 10 weeks after my first fresh cycle and feel exactly the same. I feel it’s too good
To be true after 6 years of infertility and thinking the ivf wouldn’t work. It’s like I’m now waiting for
It to go wrong. I’ve already had 4 scans and another private scan tomorow and I’m anxious about it all the time even though the scans have shown everything is fine. I’m glad I come across this post I thought it was just me who felt like an imposter x

To be fair the sonographer did say "that's a happy baby, if baby is happy then we are happy" so maybe I should focus on that.

That’s definitely a positive comment. You should try to focus on that-easier said than done I know.

Pregnancy after IVF is a strange experience for many of us. I think one thing that highlights this is the fact that of the posters on this thread, not a single one of us has congratulated you on your pregnancy. If you were posting on a “normal” pregnancy thread that would be the first thing most posters would say to you. I think the reason none of us have said congratulations to you isn’t because we’re all a terrible bunch of people. Rather it is because we are somewhat mentally scarred by our experience and none of us assume positive pregnancy test = baby unlike many people who get pregnant the “normal” way.

^^ this 💯

But of course congratulations op!

I’ve noticed one thing I’ve done when telling my parents and siblings is “ it’s still really early so don’t get too excited” it’s like I can’t believe it’s real and don’t want them to get too happy about it either x

“it’s still really early so don’t get too excited”

Snap! I thought I'd be over the moon as soon as I saw a positive pregnancy test. Of course I was definitely glad. It's what I wanted. I certainly don't take it for granted. But [lowers voice] very secretly it was an anticlimax. I expected to feel like I was finally there but really I felt there was still so far to go.

Personally I am more settled now though and (gratefully) I haven't had the ongoing anxiety that some of the ladies above had. But then, whilst my path to pregnancy wasn't easy, it was nowhere near as difficult as many others who undergo IVF. Also, I think I'd probably freak out if I did develop any kind of problem in pregnancy.

@EarlGreyT you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I think it’s definitely a different pregnancy experience.

@Littlebb2020 this too. Everyone on the ivf thread I was on who announced their bfp then followed up with saying it’s still early days.

@October2020 I’m glad this thread has helped. I have one friend who had a SH with an ivf pregnancy and it caused a lot of bleeding. It did resolve and her little boy was absolutely fine.