Hoping for friends - anyone having a really hard pg after ivf?

[October2020]

I'm about 11 weeks pregnant after an IVF cycle after 3+ years of infertility. IVF was hard - I know it is for everyone. Got our positive test and was over the moon...

...and now I'm having a really hard pregnancy. No sickness or any real symptoms which is great but I am bleeding plus lots of hospital visits/admissions.

Really want to be excited and join the threads for mums due in october etc but I can't shake the feeling that this pregnancy is going to go wrong/isn't meant to be. I don't feel like I belong with all the excited first time mums. Every time I allow myself to get excited I panic that I've tempted fate and now we will lose the baby. I am trying to find the statistics reassuring but having been infertile, you suddenly realise that it is possible for you to be the 1% or the 0.001% that something bad happens to.

I knew infertility and IVF were hard but I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy to be this hard too. I'm feeling really down and tearful when I know I should be trying to be excited. Feeling a bit broken and hoping for some friends :(

@Littlebb2020 so true. I think I spent so long when I was preparing for IVF listening to podcasts about people's horrendous journeys which at the time was super supportive... but then when we did the cycle and got pregnant it felt impossible for it to have worked. I think in my attempt to prepare myself for it maybe being an unhappy outcome, I managed to talk myself into now being sure it won't work. I really hope your scan went well this week? Message me if you want to, we are at very similar dates.

@EarlGreyT you are so right. Congratulations doesnt feel natural when you're so used to preparing for negative outcomes. I look at people announcing their pregnancies on facebook at 4 weeks or buying loads of clothes at 8 weeks and think, are you insane??? But I know that most of those pregnancies will be fine, and statistically mine will be too. But I think I've convinced myself that this pregnancy cannot possibly be okay.

@Shmabel and @Betsyboo87 thank you for acknowledging my feelings. It helps to be seen in this really strange pregnancy experience. 'Anti climax' is so true. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today and I should be absolutely thrilled but I'm sat on the sofa watching crap tv and wondering if my baby is going to be dead on the scan tomorrow. I should be happy!

@October2020 hi how are you?
Yeah exactly the same! I still now can’t believe it worked, had a scan yesterday and I’m now 10 weeks and 5 days my baby was asleep at first but the sonographer woke him/her up and it was rolling about and moving it was amazing but even today I wasn’t sick this morning so worried. It’s strange what infertility and ivf does to your mind xx

You're so like me lol. My bleeding has basically completely stopped which SHOULD be reassuring- but I'm worrying that it has stopped because the baby has stopped growing so isn't pushing on the haematoma anymore. Even though I'm not even sure that's how it works anyway lol.

Really glad your baby was fine on the scan. Congratulations will your next scan be the 12 week one now?

I look at people announcing their pregnancies on facebook at 4 weeks or buying loads of clothes at 8 weeks and think, are you insane???

I know that feeling well. I think exactly that too.

The buying of baby stuff is a real headfuck too. I was convinced that by buying baby things it would tempt fate and end in disaster and I didn’t want that. The slightly more rational part of my mind realised that at some point I would have to start buying things and also thought that if the buying of baby stuff was going to cause a disaster with the pregnancy that I’d rather have got it over and done with as soon as possible. I think I was about 26 weeks when I first bought some things, but it felt really wrong and like I was being stupid.

I was also convinced my first cycle of IVF wouldn’t work like you and @Littlebb2020. Everyone else on fertility the boards I found at the time seemed really over positive and unrealistic about their chances of success that I couldn’t relate to them. It took us numerous cycles to have a successful one, but I’m not convinced my negativity about the outcome of pregnancy was related to how many cycles of IVF I’ve had- I think it’s just me.

Wishing you all the best for your scan tomorrow.

A perfect baby on our 12 week scan. Such a huge, huge relief.

lovely. Fingers crossed your bleeding has stopped permanently and your pregnancy runs more smoothly from now on.

@October2020 congratulations! Great news. I found the weeks started going a lot quicker after 12 weeks so hopefully it does the same for you. Hope you have a nice relaxing evening

Congratulations OP! That’s great news your scan went well!

I’m interested to know, if they said anything more about your bleed from your last scan? Has it got smaller?

I too got diagnosed with a haematoma, I had a really big bleed around 6weeks. I had a scan at 7weeks and everything was fine with the baby and there was a strong heartbeat. But the doctors at my IVF clinic were really concerned as the bleed was very near the baby. I was put on bed rest and had a few scans at my local EPU. I no longer had any more bleeding but it was showing And growing on the scans. Sadly, I did end up miscarrying at 10weeks, they said it was probably the bleed forming on top of the placenta that made me miscarry. I do think mines was a really rare occasion as I’ve heard many women have this type of bleed and go on to have a successful pregnancy.
I just wanted to know if your doctors have said anything more?
(Sorry for all the questions!)

Fantastic news👏👏👏👏👏

Congratulations @October2020. Brilliant news.

@October2020 lots of us in similar position who didn’t want to join an ordinary birth club thread for exactly the same reasons. We have our own thread in Birth Clubs Dec19/Jan20 IVF Graduates - Thread 2
(Not sure how to link the thread) you’re more than welcome to join.