I really dont know what to do 😥

[Pass1818]

Hi All.

I will keep it as brief as i can.

History - Me 34, OH 55 we have a beautiful 3.5 son together. He was our 4th attempt of IVF after 2 miscarriages, twin pregnancy (lost one in 1st trimester) and premature birth.
We decided to have one more go. Not because we wanted another baby as such, but more so a sibling for our boy. Lots of other reasons, particularly surrounding OH age and when he goes i dont want me being a complete burden on my son. My son would love to be a big brother, it would suit him. Loves babies and has the type of personality to thrive even more being a sibling.
We had a cycle in November, it failed miserably, not even reaching fertilisation. I believe the clinic were at fault, i put a complaint in and eventually 'as a good will gesture' they said i could have a few freebies (a scratch and embryoscope)
So we were all set to start on my cycle next month, then OH goes to work on Monday, and his overtime has been cut as its January, its too quiet.
So this has stalled us in going forward in treatment.
Doing this cycle would make us up to our eyeballs in debt. With OH overtime, it would have meant we could afford to pay more than minimum payments on our debts. Now, who knows.
Im so torn and its quite simply doing my head in. I know by us doing this will massively overstretch us.. massively. We have our biggest debt (the car) ending in November so that will help us out but i cant wait until then to do treatment.

Someone tell me they would do the same in my shoes... that they would go with their heart and not regret a thing than go with their head and forever think what if??

You can always get more money but you’ll never get more time.

I learned the hard way.

Sorry to hear you have really gone through such a rubbish time

Thank you

Im sorry that found out the hard way.

Life isnt all about money but i feel guilty for my boy. Its hard to know what to do for the best and i feel tearful and low.

You words helped sometimes, it really is just that simple xx

It's difficult and no right or wrong way. If it were me I would look into adoption for a sibling but that's me and your heart has to be in it. Also not always that easy to adopt so may not even be possible. I wouldn't get into more debt, would stay with one child as my second choice.

Our first was IVF, we got lucky and second just happened, but it is so hard and hope you find the right way through for you.

Thanks penguin

Adoption isnt for us. Its not somethin i would want.
I feared someone would say this. I have gotten into debt to get married, for the latest cycle so i think, why not this.

Urgh, its just so bloody hard.

Ive worked out that if i dont get pregnant. Things will be tough for about 18 months, which isnt long. And i would live knowing i tried....
If i do get pregnant.... well, quite a bit longer!

Even if you were considering adoption (and I am not saying that as one of those 'why don't infertile couples just adopt' comments you usually get on MN), as your husband is quite a bit older than you you may find that they would not approve you for a young child so your son would not be the big brother.

It is so difficult. My head would usually say to not get into too much debt as if circumstances change you could end up with a massive issue, but I think when children are concerned the heart wins.

The first thing to do is to sit down and work out your finances. What would you borrow, how are you going to pay back, how will you manage if it works, how you would manage if it didn't work and you wanted another go or had frosties you could use (the temptation would be great).

Make sure you have a plan, but only you can know and if you are like me you would know that as long as you can pay it back you will always regret it if you don't at least try.

Thank you cornish

Adoption isnt for us. Perhaps if we could have never had our own biological children i may have considered (OH wouldnt have) but i want our children.
I thank you for your kind words and advise. Whilst you were typing this, me and OH had a chat this afternoon.
We worked out that without his overtime, there isnt alot of movement with his finances but i was paying most of the CC bills anyway and only wanted a small amount from him. We also agreed that if things got so bad, we could sell the car and get a cheaper one.... as a last resort only.

I just need to do this now... if i dont do it now... i will be worrying the whole time and quite possibly end up making a decision that i would regret forever...

OP it sounds like your joint decision is made. I haven't had any luck yet but as IVF has failed we've moved the goalposts of how many cycles we'd be willing to try.

So from a practical point of view maybe get a credit card with 0% interest on purchases for as long as possible, or with a reward scheme that is useful to you. Or both!

Good luck 🍀

Hi

It sort of has been. I figured that we both have agreed that we still really wanted to do it and would regret it if we didnt and i didnt want to waste 3 or 4 Months waiting but more so worrying about the finance side of things.
We have also moved the goalposts but needs must.

I hope you get your baby soon. Good luck to you.

Yep, already on it with 0% interest :-)

That's such a hard situation. If I were you I would throw everything at this one last shot and that way if it doesn't work you can make peace with it knowing you have it absolutely everything you had and it was just not meant to be. For me that would be easier to gain closure on than the 'what if' scenario.

Yes on selling the car if you have to - we have a nice car now but for years we had cars that cost less than £1500 and they were great for that time in our lives. There are also some great threads running about cutting costs, being frugal and also generating extra income. Every bit helps. Also (sorry to say this) but if it doesn't work you can sell all the baby stuff if you've been holding on to it just in case, and get a bit of extra cash that way.

Fingers crossed for you

Forgive me OP but I may have missed it, but why the need to get into a cycle asap

Would you consider sperm donation? Your OH's age means your chances of success aren't great. Added to the fact that he'll be well over 70 when your potential 2nd DC finishes school - it's not ideal

Hi @Pass1818,

Havelock makes a good point regarding DH sperm quality. We are in the middle of our second cycle of IVF for unexplained infertility on my side. DH is 50 and, whereas last time he provided a sample for analysis he had approx 90% motility and 39% morphology (in a sample containing 115 million sperm per ml - usually they expect to see approximately 19 million per ml so way above average) this time round, 15 months later, they found 80% were no longer motile and morphology had also diminished. There could be a number of reasons for this, including length of time between ‘emissions’ and general health (it’s winter and more bugs about can affect sperm production) but our consultant said it was most likely because of his age.

Thankfully they were able to use good quality sperm found in the sample and, using icsi, produced 5 very good quality embryos from 15 retrieved eggs. However, it does add to our thoughts for future treatment if we run out of embryos we have at the moment.

Good luck for your decision making but I would advise caution about getting into debt to fund your treatment as, whatever the outcome, the debt has to be repaid xx

Tbh I would not be in so much debt I can’t afford to give the child that is here the same quality of life .

Thanks 😁

Dontbite - you share my thoughts. Id rather regret something ive done, rather something i havent.

Ani - Lots of reasons, mainly because im so impatient but others like me and (especially) OH are not getting younger, im soon approaching 35 and my egg quality isnt the best. If we wait until after our holiday, we will have to be referred all over again and pay out on more consultation fees. Also, DS is nearly 4, i dont want the age gap to be much more than it is.

Havelock and remember - We dont need nor want sperm donation, the sperm the lab have from my OH is of good quality. He had a retrieval and we have 7 Vials of sperm in the freezer.
We have factored in OH's age and again, this is probably giving us more reason to have another child, now. I dont want my son having to deal with everything when i am on my own and i need caring for. I want my son to share memories of his childhood, someone he can turn to when im here and when im gone. Someone to learn from and with. There are a million reasons why i want a 2nd child and only 1 reason why i dont... which is money. Yes its an important reason not too, but not a deal breaker as there are so many just as important reasons to have a child, if that makes sense.
Starlight -ive played with this in my head 1000 times, keep coming back to the same thing... some things money cant buy. Memories and family and for me, these are more important.
We can pay the money back, just means no holidays for 2-3 years, thats all.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. All valid and i appreciate it 😍

Pass1818 I know that they arr big on the whole 35 and egg quality thing but its not always the case, my first egg retrieval was 36 with onmy 5 eggs but grade A quality, second egg retrieval was 19 eggs all mature and all grade A quality at 37 years. My DH is 48

I agree with previous poster about not getting into lots of debt when there is a child already but you choose what is best for you and DH.

Thank Ani

Ive already had 5 cycles and i already know my egg quality isnt great. The only time i had an embryo good enough to freeze was when i conceived my son (we decided to have both transferred instead of freeze one) and that was when i got 38 eggs (i did egg share though, had 14 to myself)

As for the money, ive been going round and round in my head what is best to do. But in the grand scheme of it, im only getting 2.5k more in debt by doing this next cycle. Im owed money back from the clinic due to my failed previous cycle. We are not talking 7-8k. Only 2k. Originally, i budgeted 5k debt, we only went 3.7K... ive paid £950 off my CC since my cycle and i only cycled in november so im still well in my 5K budget. If it was for anything else, i would 100% agree with you.... but when it comes to this, but gut is saying to do it, once more.

I'm sorry for your losses op.

This stood out for me: "We decided to have one more go. Not because we wanted another baby as such, but more so a sibling for our boy."

That's quite a lot of pressure to put on your son. By all means do this for you but I'm sure your son would be extremely happy as you are.

Good luck with your decision.

We have factored in OH's age and again, this is probably giving us more reason to have another child, now. I dont want my son having to deal with everything when i am on my own and i need caring for.

^ I'm sorry but this is a really terrible reason to have a child. If you're already struggling for money please don't make it worse by getting into debt. You should never expect your DC to give up their own lives to look after you in old age - instead you should save so that you can afford care if you need it. It's a dreadful burden to put onto a child to care for elderly parents or see them in a council-run home.

Olivia - Pressure on my Son? He is 3.5 years old....

By all means, im happy for advice that has been mostly provided but i have to draw a line. Im not going to be made out as bad or my reasons for wanting another child as wrong. They are my reasons.
I have been bought up by my mum, a single parent. And i know that she worked hard to give us the best life. So, when the time comes, i want to do right by her, its comforting to me that i have my sisters around to help, guide, make decisions with and ultimately grieve with. Why cant i want that for my son? I think its really really unfair of you to decide that its a terrible reason, we have all been bought up differently with different values and expectations. Not once did i say i wanted my son/children to give their life to look after me, not once. Please dont assume, you may offend.
I appreciate the comments regarding the money aspect, after all, that was my original worry that i came on here to seek advice on.

Clearly I and the last poster have touched a nerve.

I stand by what I say, I was going on your comments in the op. Quite frankly, no 3.5 year old cares about having siblings. And from what you say you are putting this on him.

For the record I agree with the last poster about old age. You cannot bring another child into the world so your children share the burden of old age.

By all means go for it, but you need to recognise you are doing it for you, which is as it should be.

Of course it has hit a nerve. Its really bloody upset me!
I never asked for that. My reasons are not what i was seeking advice on.

You have grabbed on one reason, 1 reason in so many on why we want another child, but taken it to the extreme. I am just so conscious that my son will have nobody to turn to when im poorly or not here, that was all and im so so upset that you have twisted my words and made it into something else. Regardless of money... i could have 1 mil in my account when im older, to afford for me to go into a lovely care home for the rest of my days, i still wouldn't want my son to be on his own, looking out for me. Perhaps ive worded it wrong but i feel, not so much you Olivia but remember has jumped on something without knowing fully what i was getting at.
You really have upset me tonight to the point i feel im making shit choices and ultimately, a shit mother... so i thank you for that.
Im not interested in anything else you have to say now so id be thankful if you can just leave me be

I'm sorry op, I didn't mean to have upset you in this way and in no way was I inferring you are a shit mother. Your comments just stood out to me.

I will leave the thread as you ask but perhaps this is something that you would benefit working through with a counsellor.

I wish you well, truly.

Pass1818 sorry to hear about your previous cycles, did you try ubiquinol or NAC? It sucks I know and we have to factor in age, time, cost and everything else, not to mention you have a lil one already. You do what you feel is right but do also remember there are lots of only childs out there too. Stress is one of the worst things for a cycle so don't put yourself in a position where you will stress yourself more. Good luck with whatever u decide

OP, your opening paragraph seemed to say that the baby was for your son, because you have an old DH, not for you. So your son could share the looking after of you in your old age. That's what you implied.
Your DH has less income now, so the debt you are already in will only get bigger as you will find it harder to pay off. I'm assuming if you do succeed in conceiving again, you will get into even more debt until you're able to return to work?
I can see why you would want to have another try, as you've been through a great deal of loss. You need to draw the line somewhere, both for financial and emotional reasons. Although I was able to have a child without the need for medical intervention, therefore can't begin to understand your position emotionally, I can understand it from a financial position. I was mid 30s and had debt from my divorce. I desperately wanted more than one child. I just knew we would not be able to afford it. It took us 12 years to get financially secure eventually, but it was very very hard and nearly broke us up more than once.
You're facing a massive dilemma and no one can advise you either way. You can choose to get into more debt which will impact on your child despite you thinking it won't, and this may not result in a positive outcome. Or you can come to terms with having one child only, and try to move on.
It's irrelevant as to why you want another child, you shouldn't need to justify it. However, please don't be mean to people who are giving their opinion because it doesn't match what you want to hear.

Do you have any eggs left frozen? I can’t see that you have any in storage. Sorry if I missed it. Wondering if your next round (if you choose to have one) entails so much of the eye-watering expense. We achieved our pregnancy using donor on a drug-free cycle. The donor cost is about £900 but the drugs would have been more than that & I never reacted to them so we stopped using them)

Have your clinicians suggested egg donation or mentioned it in passing? (You said your eggs weren’t that great hence my asking) Would it be worth considering this as it may well be your final attempt?

Go for it big-time with no ‘compromise’ and, if sadly unsuccessful, you truly know you tried several avenues.

Sorry - I am aware I have gone off on a tangent. Just trying to offer more food for thought.

Someone I know had a child the same age as your DS. They said they’d try two attempts for a sibling. Each time they failed her yearning for a positive result got stronger. They ended up having 5 rounds (all privately funded)

Her happiness now can’t be measured by the money spent. It suited her but it’s not for me. You’re in such a hard position at the mo. No-one, unfortunately, can make this decision for you

Whenever I am torn like you currently are, I try to work out how I’d feel at the end of each scenario to help me work out which feelings are strongest.