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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Egg donation

77 replies

Fabaunt · 11/01/2019 18:11

Hey just looking for other opinions here.
If a child is conceived from a donated egg, but carried by the intended mother, should the child be told the mother is not biologically related?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2019 10:49

You’re punishing the girl for their behaviour. You wouldn’t be giving the information for their benefit, it would be for hers.

Are these autoimmune diseases passed on genetically?

Original poster

Fabaunt · 12/01/2019 10:54

They are apparently genetic however they don’t seem to affect people until they’re older. In my case neither parent has the condition but they go hand in hand together. I was late 20s with both. When they we’re diagnosing me they took a medical history about my parents health. This is a really personal matter and one I won’t be disclosing to those manipulative bastards.

OP posts:

lucy2204 · 12/01/2019 11:03

I'd tell her,
so sorry your having to go through this 💗

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2019 11:30

lucy do you honestly think that’s in the 12 year old girl’s best interest?

Eatmycheese · 12/01/2019 11:31

You are juxtaposing your experience with her parents, your medical details and your feelings onto her and her young life.

You need some professional help to deal with your mindset, your anger and your feelings. All of which are entirely understandable but as PP have said, telling this girl in such a manner will change none of that. It seems likely that her parents will use you doing this as an opportunity to paint you as vengeful and unstable. She is a minor and they are her parents.

Think very carefully. Please.

Original poster

Fabaunt · 12/01/2019 11:34

Did you miss the part where I said I would never tell her while she’s a child?

OP posts:

Eatmycheese · 12/01/2019 11:40

Well with the greatest of respect, if your telling her is six years away then you need to stop doing this to yourself right now.

This will make you ill and very very unhappy, more than you are already. As others have urged you, I will to in that you ought to put your life and your need to heal first and seek some sustained support and time to focus on yourself.

A lot can happen in six years. That you will have no knowledge or control over.

Original poster

Fabaunt · 12/01/2019 12:10

I think you’re right, in order for me to start to deal with this and get over it, it needs to stop being my secret. I can’t cope with it. I have made the decision to tell my parent, and address it in counseling

OP posts:

Eatmycheese · 12/01/2019 12:13

I’m glad I didn’t upset or offend you with what I wrote.
It takes a strong person to seek help and to deal with things: and your experiences are complex and longitudinal. I wish you well and I hope that you find some answers as well as a happy future.

Original poster

Fabaunt · 12/01/2019 12:19

Thank you 💙💙

OP posts:

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 12/01/2019 12:22

What happened to you when you were 18 is still eating you up 12 years later. You say you were ‘Little more than a child myself’ why do you see yourself as a young Naive child but expect this girl to be mature enough to handle a bombshell like this (assuming her parents haven’t told her) If you’re not careful you’re going to mess this girl up at 18 and leave her as bitter and angry as you are

Original poster

Fabaunt · 12/01/2019 12:34

Awittyusername, why are you being so horrible? It is recommended that children used from donor eggs be told before the age of 5. Telling a young adult that her mother needed help to have her is in no way comparable to taking advantage of her, lying to her and practically stealing her genetic material. It is her parents responsibility to tell her, I do not dispute this, however they are unwilling. They had their minds made up about that before ever even having my eggs. There is a little girl in the midst of all this who has no idea who she actually is. It is her parents actions that have damaged both of us.

For now, I am going to share what happened to me with my parent, and take their advice on how to proceed. I will also have counseling. When she is 18, I will hopefully be in a better place to share her secret with her and pass on health concerns she may need to know in the future. If she wants to maintain a friendship with me then I would be so happy, and hopefully she will get to know her new cousins if I am lucky enough to have children by then. If she doesn’t want anything to do with me, I respect that but at least she can make an informed decision

OP posts:

OneForTheRoadThen · 12/01/2019 12:41

I think that's a good plan @Fabaunt and I wish you the best. I'm also really sorry you lost your daughter

I agree with you that children from donor eggs should be told but many people who have used them don't. There's a frequent poster on these forums who is quite open about not telling her child so your post may have hit home with some people which could explain some of the responses you've had xx

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 13:24

Cantdoright1 I too jratd about the genes being switched on so the mum's body affects the embryo.

Cantdoright1 I have said repeatedly I personally think it should be the parents telling. Your biological make up does affect you. Of you do not see that I can't be bothered to explain it. Normally, if people grow up knowing the truth it doesn't negatively impact.

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 12/01/2019 13:37

I’m not being horrible. I’m giving you an opinion, which is why you say you started this thread. But you’ve been resolute since the off that you were going to tell this girl at 18. People have offered their opinions as to why they think it’s not your place to do so. You have ignored them. You were only seeking validation that what you’re planning is the right thing to do.

I hope the next six years brings you all of the happiness in the world and that you find peace and come to terms with what happened to you. And that whatever happens that the girl and her family are safe and happy.

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 13:41

heard about the genes

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 13:48

PurpleDaisies

"...do you honestly think that’s in the 12 year old girl’s best interest?"

The OP has said repeatedly she would not tell until the girl is can adult. Of course it is in her best interests to know the truth.

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 13:57

Fabaunt great plan.

The patents made the mistakes and are responsible for this hurt of the OP and potential future hurt of the child.

The truth should never be a secret.

Whatever happens the girl will be better off eventually knowing.

I've read of people who found out they are adopted after the adopted parent died (yes it's not adoption I know) and the hurt they felt having not known the truth.

All this about donor eggs and the best thing being to tell was well known about 12 years ago. I started my (unsuccessful) treatment about 9 years ago after reading extensively about this.

Good luck OP. Spend the next few years looking forward positively.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2019 14:11

I wasn’t responding to the op italian.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2019 14:13

There was a big clue where I started my post “Lucy”.

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 14:14

Lucy said to tell her. Not when.

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 16:02

PurpleDaisies

"There was a big clue where I started my post “Lucy”."

Sorry Purple I thought that Lucy just mean to tell the child at some point and I you thought it meant now. If it means now then I would agree with you Purple.

Apologies.

lucy2204 · 12/01/2019 17:28

I didn't mean now actually,Purple :)I was agreeing the child needs to know. (Y).... itd be crazy telling the little girl now. But she's bound to come asking questions when she's older,

Original poster

Fabaunt · 12/01/2019 17:32

I really liked the quote telling the truth should never be a secret. Maybe I’ll finally find peace telling the truth

OP posts:

Original poster

Fabaunt · 13/01/2019 13:41

Just to update the situation I spoke to my parent last night. They’re horrified. And very upset. We will be seeking legal advice tomorrow and seeing what can be done as when we read back over the contract it states my age as 21, not 18.

OP posts:

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