Egg donation

[Fabaunt]

Hey just looking for other opinions here.
If a child is conceived from a donated egg, but carried by the intended mother, should the child be told the mother is not biologically related?

OP you wouldn't be 'ruining her life' what a load of shit. I think a lot of people would want to know if this was the case with their parents. It's a sad situation and yes you were only 18 probably not long out of school if I'm right? Do what you think is right but do it when she's an adult. It sounds like you were taken advantage of.

I’m her “cousin”. Yes I would never take someone’s childhood off them like that but as an adult I believe she has the right to know who she is.

I'm adopted and agree, she has a right to know where she comes from. Your biology is part of who she is and she deserves to know that. I"m also an adoptive parent and can't imagine keeping such a secret.

Awittyusernameishardtofind "What do you mean by ‘who she really is’? Finding out that your mum needed someone else’s eggs to get pregnant doesn’t change a thing about her."

Of course it changes things about her. You are saying in one breathe that it will break up a family and in another that it doesn't matter. It can't be both.

My son is adopted and we have had a few chats about this. A while ago I said to him "It doesn't matter to me at all that I am not your biological mum." My son said "It matters to me." It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means that our history can matter to us.

I don't believe at all that Fabaunt wants to wreck this girls life or get her own back at the mother. I think it is just very hard nowadays to keep these kinds of secrets. DNA, medical tests etc, the truth does sometimes come out, whether it is donor IVF or the fact that a man one thinks of as 'dad' turns out not to be one's biological father (although, of course, still dad).

Having had treatment with donor eggs on a number of occasions, and having adopted, I have read and talked a lot about identity issues etc.

I totally agree that it is the families place to talk to the child about this. Had they done this from the start, it would not be a big shock or ever really potentially 'a life altering thing.'

Just to give some UK context, I know three couples with multiple kids by donor conception. As far as I know at least one couple has chosen not to tell them yet.

Prior to (I think) 2005 it was not possible in the UK to trace the donor and that made it seem (perhaps) more understandable to not tell. However, it was made very clear to us via our clinic, post 2005, that telling (age appropriately) really was best for the child.

www.dcnetwork.org/telling-your-child

Once again, it really is the parents place to tell but OP I totally get where you are coming from. Please do pursue some counselling specifically about this (and your loss of your baby too, I know it cannot 'solve' things but sometimes it enables you to process grief in a way that might help you).

If in the future this child does want to have a relationship with you, being as 'sorted' as possible about the past, would be best, IMHO.

I am so sorry the parents lied to you and that you have been left so affected by this. What you did helped to produce this lovely child and so I do think if you can make your peace with the past, if you can, it will be better for you, IMHO.

But exactly what making your peace with the past means (for you), I am not sure.

Thank you ItalianGreyHound. I’m personally unsure I’m willing to live my entire adult life with a secret as huge as this eating away at me because they took advantage. It IS upsetting knowing someone more like you than anyone else is out there in the world, being reared by people I know will stop at nothing to get what they want.

There IS already a bond there, she is the one who is persistent in contact, her parents haven’t curbed this, Ive had to block her because I feel it’s very unfair to both of us but especially her, to continue this relationship when she thinks I’m just this really cool cousin she wants to hang out with and meet. I don’t want any part in manipulating her or lying to her but I believe she deserves to know who she is, who she looks like, and who she shares traits with. If she ever goes down the route of ivf herself she deserves to know her true family history. And to be honest I am unwilling to share anymore information about my health with her parents, and have been diagnosed with two autoimmune conditions that I won’t disclose to them, but will to her when she is an adult.

Medical history is all very important. I think it is also, if you can, important to take a step back and think, she is a person in her own right. Yes, your DNA helped to make her, as did her dad, as did her mum, whose body gave life to that egg.

Without all three of you should would not be here and who she is.

Please get your life in the best shape you can so that if there is a future relationship you will be able to make it about her.

I am fully prepared my son may want to know his birth mum (again I know this is not the same as donor eggs) but I am also prepared for the fact he may not want to know her, perhaps for many years. In the end it will be his choice. I need to control my emotions so he makes a choice right for him.

You must still be relatively young so you have opportunities to pursue your own family now, I assume.

All the very best.

she would

But that’s the thing, I just feel like I’ll never be free from them. When I was pregnant, her dad wanted me to go over there, and let them take care of me. They said they would help me out because I had lost my parent, but they seemed totally dismissive of my relationship and said my priority should be me and my baby. I can’t help but feel they just saw another opportunity to have another baby. After I lost the baby, I did feel fleeting moments of guilt that maybe I hadn’t known what’s best.

The dad has also offered to be a donor if I ever want to have children down the line and am not with anyone. He mentioned this but I didn’t engage with it or acknowledge it.

If at 18 she doesn’t want a relationship with me I will accept that. I am reluctant to carry on the relationship we have going on currently because it’s not honest and I think she knows deep down there’s more to it than a friendship. Her own aunt would admit they don’t see a lot of her at all and she wouldn’t be close to her aunts or uncles.

If she decides this is too much of a head game and she doesn’t want to know me as anything more than a cousin then I totally accept that. But she is the only person who can make that call.

I think your 'relationship' with her parents and your relationship with her are two very different things.

The fact the father offered to be a donor for you is really quite weird! you must be 30 so completely able to find a man to have a baby with if you wish to, not someone who would need to use a donor. And a further link with the family would seriously complicate your life.

"They said they would help me out because I had lost my parent" This is one reason why I think (IMHO) donor relationships are easier with altruistic egg donors in the UK, there is no family relationship and that is easier.

"...but they seemed totally dismissive of my relationship and said my priority should be me and my baby." Are you still in a relationship with the father of your baby?

"I can’t help but feel they just saw another opportunity to have another baby." That may be possible but no way of knowing now.

"After I lost the baby, I did feel fleeting moments of guilt that maybe I hadn’t known what’s best." I don't understand this. Usually when you lose a baby it is nothing you could control or not control, so I can't imagine how it could be your fault.

As i say, I really think a counselor could help you separate up these issues. If you go to your GP you will need to explain why you want to see a counsellor without going into the whole issue. It is still possible to see a GP for depression etc on the NHS. But you can also go private.

Good luck.

If you go to your GP you will need to explain why you want to see a counselor, I mean 'bereavement' or 'loss' or 'depression' etc, not the complicated story.

The fact you brought up being conned out of money for your “donation” makes me believe you aren’t fit to parent

Justagirlwholovesaboy I find it hard to imagine you can ascertain this from one phrase on an internet forum! It's also highly offensive.

“I was promised cash at the end of the treatment, which was never given to me”. Sorry is this a parental sentiment, maybe I missed something

Justagirlwholovesaboy you are missing that she was a vulnerable young woman, of 18, just out of being a child, she was misled over money and the nature of the 'fertility treatment' and there may be other things that she was told, which did not materialize. She was asked to keep a secret, which, IMHO, no one should ever be asked to keep.

The fact you are focusing on the money aspect of this, of all she has said, does really say more about you than it does about the OP, IMHO.

She is not asking to parent this 12 year old, she is saying she is finding it so difficult that she has to bear this huge secret - not that she wants to 'parent' this 12 year old.

And finally, the OP has lost a baby to still birth so you pontificating on her ability to parent based on a line in her comments seems incredibly cruel.

She stated that line now, not as an 18 year old, as an important factor to her. Let her respond, rather than presuming to read her mind and defend her

@Justagirlwholovesaboy what an incredibly awful thing to say to someone who has suffered a baby born sleeping. What the fuck is wrong with you.

There is medical evidence that a donor egg or embryo is affected by the mum that carries that baby. DNA has markers and it's believed the pregnant woman determines which of the markers are turned on and off. For example sperm may say blue eyes, egg may say brown eyes, pregnant mums body decides which one happens. Obviously it's not a conscious thing. That's where the information that the baby will be a mix of the 3 of you comes from. If you had carried this embryo yourself the baby would likely have turned out differently even if only in tiny biological ways. So you weren't lied to about that.

@Justagirlwholovesaboy I read the part about the cash as OP just showing another way in which they misled and took advantage of her

Italiangreyhound
‘Of course it changes things about her. You are saying in one breathe that it will break up a family and in another that it doesn't matter. It can't be both’

What does it change about her then? Her personality? Her upbringing? She’s not going to become a new person. And your certainly not going to make her happy by bulldozing into her life and saying that her parents lied to her.

I’m sure that it will matter very much to this poor girl. At no point have I said she shouldn’t be told but that decision shouldn’t be down to the op.
People have been saying ‘wouldn’t you want to know?’ Well how would you want to find out? A conversation with your parents explaining that they needed some help to have you but that your still their child or your mums cousin who lives in another country and holds a grudge against your parents telling you thay they lied to you and to her and that you’re ‘50%’ hers?! Don’t tell me that that’s in this girls best interest

@Fabaunt i am very sorry for the loss of your baby. I hope you can get some more professional support.

I don't think anyone is saying that this girl shouldn't or won't ever find out,but please really think about your motives for why you want to tell her. And did I also read about the girl's father offering to be a donor for you if you ever needed it? This is a very tricky situation all round but my gut feeling is your desire to tell her and the way in which that might happen may jeopardise the relationship you might have in the fullness of time should she be told in a way that is appropriate or indeed want to find out.

I think you are playing with fire here.

But I really feel for you and can imagine how overwhelmed and conflicted you must be at times

My reasons for wanting to tell her are many.

1. I believe she has a right to know.
2. She has a right to know and be able to give a full family medical history, her being female and having her own children one day, this seems especially important.
3. I was little more than a child myself when I was lured into donating the eggs, totally and utterly misled. Did I know the child was going to come out being a mini version of myself? No. Did I realize how devastating it would be looking at a miniature version of myself, how much of a mind game that would be? No

I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I had no support, I have this kid contacting me daily (up until I blocked her) wanting so much from me, when she has no real idea of who she’s interacting with. And that is so incredibly unfair on her and also on me. She begs me to come visit, to come spend time/holidays with her. That is difficult.

In regards to the money, wow you’re a nasty piece of work aren’t you? I’d be an incredible parent. Not to the donor child, because she has parents and I have no desire or wish to be her parent, but one day, I’ll be a great parent, and had my little girl made it, I’d have been a great mom.

But that money was supposed to cover my flights out there, the fact I spent weeks being pumped full of drugs unable to spend my holiday the way I wanted to spend it. I was unable to have sex for almost 3 months, unable to drink, had my food controlled. I lied to my parents and so did they. They told my parents her husband had a job for me so I could support myself during the summer. I went home with absolutely nothing. Not one cent. The lying to me about the money was an issue. Had they got the eggs from the clinic, the price would have been 3 times more than what she had agreed to give me. Of course the minute the eggs were taken from me, they completely shut me out. I wasn’t included in anything anymore. I went to stay with her sister and her mom. My food wasn’t covered then.

I didn’t owe them part of my body, They weren’t entitled to my eggs because she had none of her own. But that’s all I was used for.

I am now uncomfortable sharing my private intimate medical history with them and refuse to do so. Anything that is relevant will be passed on to the child when she is old enough.

I want nothing more from her than an honest friendship but of course, If she decides she doesn’t want me in her life then of course I would respect that.

I am now uncomfortable sharing my private intimate medical history with them and refuse to do so. Anything that is relevant will be passed on to the child when she is old enough.

And if she develops autoimmune problem before you’ve told her? If she’s 12 now, that should be at least 6 years away.

I totally understand things are very hard for you. The answer isn’t to tell the girl-that won’t actually make things better for you. You need counselling.

Purple daises, I am not willing to expose myself to her parents anymore. They burrowed into my life for the past 12 years, he flew half way around the world to introduce himself to my parent before they died so he’d get to meet his child’s biological grandparent but my parent wasn’t afforded the same respect. I am entitled to a reasonable expectation of privacy, I just feel they’ve taken too much from me and I am unwilling to give them anymore.