Losing my shit!!!

[Sunshine19]

Hi ladies.

I have nowhere to turn about my infertility and need to rant before I lose my shit and kick off!
We went out for dinner with my parents last nite..my sister had her wee boy last week and for the 3rd time in a fortnight mum kept going on about how much she hated being pregnant and how much of a hard time she’s had during her pregnancy..I’ve listened to the same story for the past 2 times ive seen her. Not once did she even pick up I wasn’t saying anything back and listened patiently while she told me the same story AGAIN how hard it’s been for her. Secretly loathing the fact she had no trouble at all getting pregnant in the first place!! Mum knows our infertility and I wish I never told her about it now cos she doesn’t ask about appts and makes comments to me like “time is running out so hurry up” as well as go on about the sister hating being pregnant at all. When I told her about the IVF she made a daft comment saying “you’ll get twins then, great!” And is so clueless about the treatment only being 15% successful 🤬

I’m so angry the now!! Angry I have this problem, angry that she doesn’t get it and bloody boiling that she comes out with stupid insensitive comments! Does anyone on here know what I mean? Thanks for reading xox

Yep completely get it. I've had friends and family say stupid things but I know it's just because they don't understand it. Ive made the decision just not to talk about it with them anymore

Could it be some terrible, terrible way of her telling you it's not all it's cracked up to be?

@Sunshine19 oh i get the anger hun its like nothing ive had in my whole life

Completely understand you.People think that IVF will make you pregnant for sure and the joke about twins is always there.i wish I hadn't told my family either as they are not supporting at all and they always send me pics of family members with newborns...

Have to agree with you ladies and glad I have somewhere to vent..@pumpkin18 yeah, I’m with you there! I don’t go out my way to talk about it now. Her wee precious boy is perfection and now all I hear about is how they can’t get any sleep as he wakes most of the night. Nicer problems to have eh! @2fingers22018 yeah, the hormones make me a shadow of my former self and sometimes I barely know who I am anymore! All 4 of us sisters went for breakfast and my sister who just had her wee boy told me how her pal is raging that’s shes pregnant. Her man had a vasectomy and thinking about sueing the nhs 🤬 I had to get up and leave. Everyone has a story to tell but I didn’t need to hear that and she could’ve had the chat with my sisters who just think about having a child then low and behold they are pregnant 😢 @WeShouldBeFriends maybe it is? And I totally get why some women give up with the heartbreak of it all but I owe it to myself to keep going and pushing forward for IVF, even give it the 3 tries and decide what we do from there if there is no outcome? But yeah completely understand why some couples stop going and my heart goes out to them! Thank you ladies, anytime you want a rant too then jump on here! Xox

Yeah I thought the same, maybe it's her way of saying it's not all good being pregnant, not that her saying it helps but she might think it does.
Bearing in mind it's your mum I would probably just be frank with her and say you'd appreciate a bit more sensitivity and support. As we all know, most people don't have a clue what going through ivf is like, emotionally or even the facts of what happens so I'd just be honest with her. Hope you feel better soon 😊

Sending hugs. I completely get it. I'm not sure people really do unless they've been through it. People either think they're being helpful, or just don't think about how hurtful it is to hear these things. Xx

I suspect your sister’s pregnancy and Labour has reawakened some of your Mum’s trauma about a difficult pregnancy/birth.

If she’s repeatedly mentioning it it’s more likely to be about how she feels, it’s not about you (as difficult as it is to hear).

And even though you’d love to have a baby and don’t want to hear people complaining about baby related problems don’t fall into the trap of thinking “well I’d never complain about lack of sleep”. Don’t set yourself unrealistic standards.

It’s hard to hear other people talking about having difficult pregnancies or finding the early days with a new born hard but that is their reality.

Infertility is very, very hard, but so is being a parent.

You aren’t unreasonable to expect a certain level of sensitivity from your friends and family but at the same time they aren’t unreasonable to expect the same from you.

I know it’s hard, but the world doesn’t stop. We have to try to put things in perspective.

@Happyandshiney i get what ur tryin to say but ppl are allowed to rant and vent in this situation and i for 1will always be here to listen..of course we re irrational at times we ve been dealt a shit card.

Ranting and venting is fine 2fingers and healthy to a degree but it’s not always healthy to have an echo chamber either.

There are a variety of “shit cards” that life deals, infertility - while awful - doesn’t trump everyone else’s problems.

It’s very hard for the OP to have such trouble conceiving but that doesn’t mean her Mum doesn’t have a need to express how very hard her own pregnancy/birth experience was particularly when she’s emotional over her DD going through the same thing.

It’s very hard for the OP to have such trouble conceiving that that doesn’t mean that dealing with the physical aftermath of labour, emotional impact of post partum hormones and the mental impact of sleep deprivation isn’t very hard for her sister.

If her Mum is saying things like “hurry up” etc then she should honestly tell how those comments make her feel and ask her to stop.

But that’s quite different from expecting her family not to mention anything negative about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting because it upsets her.

Having children is indeed wonderful, so wonderful that it makes the hard parts worth it. But that doesn’t make the hard parts any less hard while you are experiencing them. Not even for people who have much longed for “miracle” babies.

Listening and providing support don’t always mean saying “there, there you poor thing, aren’t they awful”. Sometimes it’s about providing an alternative perspective or a kick up the arse.

Could be what WeShouldBeFriends said, clumsy but some people are clumsy.

However you should explain to your mother, calmly, how the talk makes you feel. Don't tell her you hated your sister being pregnant though, that's really not nice, it's not her fault. Tell your mum all the rest including the fact that IVF is not only a long and unpleasant process but that it rarely ends in a successful pregnancy. Also get in the fact that adoption is not an option (if it isn't), before she suggests it.

Some people are just insensitive, mothers are no exception.

(I wouldn't have told my mother had I considered IVF. I would have simply said we cannot or are not going to have children and refused to discuss further.)

Good luck with your IVF but please do try hard to enjoy your life as it is, there is so much that is worthwhile.

@Happyandshiney its called providing support have you actually struggled with infertility? What do we need a kick up the arse for exactly? At no point did i say other ppl dnt have problems but a baby not sleeping isnt a problem its a fact of life when you have a baby ul lose sleep.Trying to have a baby for over 3yrs and still no child isnt something you expect in life! As i already said yes SOMETIMES we re irrational and we re entitled to feel that way doesnt mean we act like that everyday.

Nearly 6 years of infertility and several rounds of fertility treatment in order to conceive my children 2fingers

During that period every single one of my friends and every female in my generation of the family produced one, if not two children. Half my team at work had babies and I had to deal with their maternity admin.

I spent the entire six year period visiting new babies, going to Christenings and first birthday parties for other people’s children. I was a Godmother 4 times.

It’s fair to say that I know what it’s like to struggle with infertility 2fingers.

And you’re wrong - a baby not sleeping can feel like a huge massively overwhelming problem.

And even though you’d love to have a baby and don’t want to hear people complaining about baby related problems don’t fall into the trap of thinking “well I’d never complain about lack of sleep”. Don’t set yourself unrealistic standards.

^This.

@2fingers22018
At no point did i say other ppl dnt have problems but a baby not sleeping isnt a problem its a fact of life when you have a baby ul lose sleep
Have you experienced prolonged sleep deprivation to the point where you are beyond exhausted and it begins to impact on your health? If you have then you would know that a baby that has issues with sleeping can absolutely become a "problem" and something that can devastate your life for a period of time.

I understand that people moaning about issues with their babies,pregnancy and birth can appear to be insensitive, but as @Happyandshiney suggests, sometimes people just want to talk about and want help to process their own feelings and experiences. It's like anything really, there is always someone worse off but does that mean that someone with a cold can't have little moan because they don't have the flu? Of course it would be better if they could pick their audience more wisely (and not moan to someone with the flu!) but I don't think that means that you should attempt to minimise their problems or assume that they have purposely chosen to make you feel bad.

I also think that it's really difficult for someone that hasn't experienced infertility to understand the (justified) high levels of sensitivity that some people have to any talk of pregnancy or babies. I may have in the past assumed that negative talk about these things wasn't so bad as it would almost act as a form of reassurance to someone struggling with fertility that pregnancy, birth and babies weren't necessarily all that it was cracked up to be. I know now that this would be the absolutely wrong thing to do, but if I had made the mistake in the past it would have been well intentioned if also completely misguided.

I get it. I really get it.

Yes, parenting is hard. I have my babies now and believe me, I’ve complained about the sleep deprivation, the tantrums and all that comes with it...but NEVER to someone who I know is struggling because that gut wrenching, deep pain is so awful that I would never want anyone to experience it. I can find someone else to reach out to for help with my parenting struggles.

Infertility sucks. It feels endless, you’re surrounded every minute by reminders of what you don’t have. You can’t griece and move on because...what if??? It’s akways there.

OP came here for support and the space to vent. I really don’t think ‘giving a kick up the arse’ is at all what’s needed here.

Weed

I didn’t actually say that this OP needed a kick up the arse.

I was responding to 2fingers about the nature of support and saying that it wasn’t always about saying “there, there”...

Sometimes it’s about providing an alternative perspective or a kick up the arse.

For this thread I was fairly obviously trying to provide a different perspective.

As for not talking about your problems to someone who is suffering from infertility while I don’t necessarily disagree it does mean that you shut down lots of avenues for conversations that a pregnant woman or a new mother might need to talk to their friends about.

Quite aside from the fact that you won’t necessarily know who is suffering from infertility and who is not.

I agree with everything you say about how horrible infertility is, I wore that T-shirt for a long time.

My point is really that because it’s so difficult and so long term so you do actually have to try to find practical ways of coping with it.

Shutting out or shutting down every friend or relative who might discuss pregnancy and children isn’t really practical or healthy long term. Particularly as there are probably they exact people you’ll need support from if you do get pregnant.

@Weed exactly space and support is what everyone on here needs👏thank you for understanding @Happy u did insinuate we needed a kick up arse soo much for supporting other women 6yrs off ttc u should really have more empathy

I did not imply that every woman on this board needs a kick up the arse nor is that what I wrote. Please don’t misquote me.

I have plenty of empathy for infertile couples, it’s pretty offensive for you to suggest otherwise and there’s nothing in my posts to support your charge.

However I survived six years of absolute misery with my mental health, my marriage and all my relationships in tact - something that’s not that easy to do. I try to give other women the benefit of my practical experience.

Venting and crying in a corner is fine, necessary even. But at the end of the day you have to get up and live in the world.

That’s the bit I’m trying to help with.

People find their way to deal with it in their OWN time, not when someone provides that’perspective’. The words ‘kick up the arse’ were used and unhelpful even in your intended context.

I agree shutting people out long term is unhealthy, however, people find their own ways to cope. In OPs case, she’s not there yet. Be there for someone where they are, not where you think they should be...and you can do that without saying ‘there, there’.

OP and 2fingers, your feelings are valid and you need to preserve your own sanity any way you can and if that means you can’t ‘be there’ for a new mother or listen to someone else’s baby related problems then that is absolutely fine. Look after yourselves x

@Weed thank you soo much hun glad you understand your right its about us finding our own way to try and move forward x @Happy i do not misquote u uve said something foolish accept responsibilty and maybe try and learn from it..im not going backwards and forwards arguing with u thats not what i come on here for

I understand that people moaning about issues with their babies,pregnancy and birth can appear to be insensitive

It’s not that it appears to be insensitive it IS insensitive and quite frankly nasty to moan about these issues to someone you know is suffering with infertility. I understand people need to have a moan sometimes, but if they don’t consider who to choose as their audience it’s insensitive.

@EarlGreyT exactly they could vent to their other friends who have or dnt want kids

@Bumpity yes ive had insomnia soo bad i had to take meds for it, my point is no one tries for a baby thinkin theyl sleep the whole night through unless theyr very naive. You know what ur letting urself in for im not saying its easy but when ur ttc ur willing to take the gd and the bad

@2fingers22018
I agree that they will expect some level of disruption to their sleep but as with most things there are extremes and I don't think the fact that some people struggle to conceive means that those who are suffering with chronic sleep deprivation due to a non-sleeping baby should be forced to suffer in silence. When you conceive you don't anticipate that you will be in the small percentage that is the worst case scenario whether that be being made permanently disabled from birth or suffering from crippling PND. Sleep deprivation may not be as serious as these things on most cases but it absolutely can be a serious "problem" and should not be belittled.

Even with infertility there will be some that have struggled for longer or had more issues than others but this doesn't invalidate and diminish the suffering of others. Can't we all just try to have compassion for each other? That also includes those who are suffering with pregnancy and baby issues choosing their audience more wisely too. I just think we all should try to be more sensitive to each other and not make it an us Vs them issue.