When do the feelings end - male infertility
Cantdoright1 · 24/04/2018 11:46
My husband and I have 2 children following ICSI. He had a undescended testicle that was operated on when he was 8 and it left him unable to father a child naturally. Obviously we didnt know there was a problem until we had been TTC for some time. It's now been 10 years since we started TTC. If I knew then what I know now I'd do it all differently but that's no use now. One child is his genetically and one isn't. We are a happy family. I'm now 44. My cycle is still normal and I still ovulate. I'm so broody for a third but husband says no way. We do have embryos in the freezer. My question is more for any female whose had partner infertility is when do you stop feeling sad. Every announcement of a pregnancy is like a kick in the teeth especially when it's accidental and they feel too old and unhappy about another. Every month I ovulate I feel sad, what's the point in sex as it upsets me that's all it takes most people. I hoped these feelings would leave when I had my second child but I want a third and I just feel infertility will always be with us. I'll be 70 and still sad I couldn't have more kids. I know I'm lucky (I hate that word after 21 rounds of treatment) to have 2 kids and appreciate what I have and all that. But when will I finally not be do upset by it all. I'm a SAHM with a 1 and 4 year old. I want to go back to work to get away from all the playgroups with people popping babies out all the time but then I'll miss out on my youngest. I just feel so sad. I hate every part of being older when I got to have children. I'm tired all the time and people always think it was a choice. It wasnt. I wasn't old when we started trying. It's been such a hard long 10 years and I want to move on but I don't know how.
Hopingnwishing · 24/04/2018 19:13
As someone who is in their mid 30s and struggling to conceive I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you. Read what you've written and think about where you wrote it.
You've got 2 children and you're moaning in an infertility forum that you can't have a 3rd? You get to stay home with them all day but you're moaning?
You feel sad because you ovulate every month. Poor you. I and many others don't even do that. You think a pregnancy announcement is a kick in the teeth? All I see in the media are the moment is celebrities either announcing their pregnancy or giving birth and currently I haven't got a snowball's hope in hell.
And thanks for the reminder of how old I'll be if I ever get to have a child.
MyKingdomForBrie · 24/04/2018 19:21
hoping I don’t think it’s entirely fair to dismiss someone else’s sadness just because they have what you want.
I have good friends who would give their right arm just to be in a solid relationship in a position to try conceiving but that doesn’t detract from your sadness.
Everyone’s hurt and sadness is their own and is relative to their own position.
OP I don’t know the answer I’m afraid but you seem to have some internal inconsistencies there, you are sad that you’re so tired and feel like an older mum but want to add a third? That’s a huge load more work right there..
Itsbecauseimaleo · 24/04/2018 19:22
I think that's a little unfair hoping yes the OP might have been better off posting somewhere else but you could simply keep scrolling. She's entitled to feel the way she does. There are plenty of women in her position. Your feelings don't trump hers just because you can't have kids
Cantdoright1 · 24/04/2018 19:43
People have it worse , people have it better. I'm still entitled to be upset with the cards I've been dealt. I was where you are once 10 years ago desperate for a baby and I went through hell to get them. You may well be here 10 years time with the same feelings so don't dismiss them.
My ovulation every month is a reminder of our problems. My husband is infertile so that means we are infertile as a couple. The monthly reminder is crushing.
My main request really was for anyone who had been through infertility and got children and still wanted another but accepted their lot.
It makes me cross people say I'm lucky. Not sure what's lucky about 21 rounds of treatment and my life savings and more gone. I haven't had it as shit as some but I don't class myself as lucky. I moved on to donor eggs and sperm in the end to get my dream. My family is wonderful but I've made considerable compromises on the way.
Hopingnwishing · 24/04/2018 20:36
Ok I'll answer her question as my partner also has a problem with his sperm being nowhere near optimal.
I stop feeling sad when we have a child. I will be grateful that we have a child together. 1 is all it will take.
Itsbecauseimaleo · 24/04/2018 20:45
One is all it will take for YOU hoping you are not the OP. It's all relative. I will struggle to conceive but I know I'd be grateful yet unhappy if I only manage to have one as I've always wanted three. Why do so many infertile women on here do this? They jump down the throats of others who have managed to have kids in some twisted competition to see who's pain is greater. It's shit full stop. You need to stop projecting.
OP I hope you manage to find happiness either way. Hopefully your husband will agree to a third but if not hopefully you'll manage to get to a place where you're happy and accepting of your situation
Hopingnwishing · 24/04/2018 20:52
I merely answered her question. I'm not projecting. It's not a competition and there isn't a finite number of children. I found her initial post gloating, insensitive and self centred and it grated.
Itsbecauseimaleo · 24/04/2018 20:55
She wasn't gloating at all 🙄 She's venting because she's unhappy. Leave the poor woman alone. She's not hear to placate you. Ignore hoping OP
Cantdoright1 · 24/04/2018 21:20
Thanks to those being supportive. If I'd fallen pregnant naturally and moaned about it I could understand the vitreol. However I've been at the start of the journey and know the desperation. I didn't start where I am now. I too have been through the years of NHS wait list , failed IVF and nights of sobbing until I had no tears left, the financial worries, the endless injections etc etc.
Hoping - I really hope when you have 1 child it will be enough and you just feel grateful and happy. I wish that was how i felt after 1 child.
Thanks again to those trying to help. I suppose I'm just shocked that the infertility repercussions don't stop when you have a child. I just wish I could be happy and move on I just don't know how.
penguinsandpanda · 24/04/2018 21:32
We had male factor infertility and had our first after 3 years ttc then ICSI. I was very happy, sad that I wouldn't have a second but over the moon to have one. I then fell pregnant naturally with the second and got two, again delighted. I didn't like people telling me I was lucky or that I shouldn't say it was male factor esp when those telling me of my luck were people having three no problems. If someone childless told me I was lucky, that's fine as relative to them I was very lucky.
I only occassionally wanted a third, husband didn't. It didn't bother me for long and now I am glad we just have the two. I see people with three struggling. I now have health issues and wouldn't have coped with a third. My two get on really well and are close in age. I don't have the dilema of finding something that entertains a teenage and a toddler, I don't have to take kids to different schools, I have my life back. I'm not sure if that's any help as I feel very differently but hope you find a way through.
Hoping I hope you get your child soon, the fear you will never have any is by far the worst part of the journey for me at least.
penguinsandpanda · 24/04/2018 21:35
I would try looking at what you have rather than what you don't. Many women want a third husband doesn't. And some husband walks out after third leaving Mum to raise three alone.
penguinsandpanda · 24/04/2018 21:37
I think working maybe part-time might help you and / or maybe counselling.
MindatWork · 25/04/2018 14:35
I’m sorry but I agree with Hoping, the Infertility forum is not the place to come complaining that you can’t have a 3rd child when you’ve already got 2 via ivf.
I recommend you get some counselling OP - i understand having twinges of envy at other people’s easy pregnancies and large families after all you’ve been through (I strongly believe Infertility leaves deep scars that never really heal even when you get your happy ending), but it doesn’t seem normal to be so very unhappy years later.
Maybe look at other areas of your life and see where you can make yourself happier?
TipsNotHacks · 25/04/2018 16:21
Can I just poke my nose in and say I agree with hoping?
TipsNotHacks · 25/04/2018 16:21
Sorry you feel this way OP, but you do have kids. Focus on that if you can. Best wishes.
buttonz · 25/04/2018 16:50
Ok, I went through recurrent miscarriages before my ds was born. I am grateful for him, but I do sometimes wish I'd been able to have more kids. It took me a long time to stop minding, but I don't think about it now.
I do feel for Hope and can understand her feelings.
Having said that, I understand yours too but I'm not sure you should have posted on this forum.
Cantdoright1 · 25/04/2018 16:52
I am grateful for my kids.
Surely my post is positive in that I'm in an infertile couple but we still got 2 kids albeit after a long journey.
Thanks for the nicer comments. As for those bitching at me I assume you don't live in Syria or any such other horrendousness so maybe you should listen to your own advice and be grateful for what you have. Being grateful doesn't stop anyone having additional desires.
Cantdoright1 · 25/04/2018 16:55
Admin. If you could move or delete this thread it would be much appreciated. Although I have no idea where a thread asking for help in accepting my husband's Infertility and moving on would be best going. Thanks.
buttonz · 25/04/2018 16:56
It's not a positive post for those who fear that they will never have children.
As for Syria - whilst that situation is appallingly sad, so is the pain of infertility... as you know.
Cantdoright1 · 25/04/2018 16:56
And for what it's worth I had 2 miscarriages during my 21 courses of treatment.
Cantdoright1 · 25/04/2018 16:58
I hoped there would be people on here who had come out the other side of struggling to create a family but it seems there aren't.
ARoomSomewhere · 25/04/2018 17:10
ivf/isci is very isolating compared to 'normal' pgs.
to then be 'sucessful' (at a very high price) and not feel complete can then isolate you from those having tx who have not yet been so fortunate. I hope you can find some peace in times to come.
It is all relative and, whatever the outcome, i think fertility tx is painful. I am a counsellor and am going on to specialise in this area, after seeing what fertility tx did to my marriage and many other relationships i have witnessed. Very strong feelings are never simple.
buttonz · 25/04/2018 17:25
OP - I do understand. One of the things I found hard was that so many people just assumed that, having had one baby, I would/could have another. It made me sad and angry.
The legacy of infertility can continue after a baby comes along. I for, example, never bonded with the other women at antenatal because none of them had had the troubles I had... at least, they all said they hadn't.
Happyandshiney · 25/04/2018 17:51
We struggled to conceived for a very long time due to male factor infertility and eventually had our two children.
I was so thrilled to conceive the two we’ve got that I never considered wanting more.
I do however have several friends who conceived their children easily who are sad that their DH’s don’t want to try for baby 3 or 4.
Your issue isn’t really your DH’s infertility. You issue is that you want to try for a third and your DH doesn’t want to.
But even if you’d had no previous problems that wouldn’t guarantee that you be able to have a third baby.
Given your 21 rounds of treatment I have to ask where you would be happy to stop? That’s a lot to put your body through. How long would you go on? You don’t have another ten years.
You are 44 so even if you previously had no issues yourself, your ability to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term has to come under consideration.
Given the fact that you have two children, your age and the financial and emotion toll of fertility treatment I have to say I think that your DH’s decision is not only reasonable but actively sensible.
I fear that the decade of infertility may have taken a toll on you emotionally. I would recommend that you seek some counselling to work this through.
I’m particularly concerned by your comments about sex. I’ve never view sex as purely for procreation. Not even during our years of infertility.
I’m concerned that your feelings will put a strain in your marriage and mental health. Go and find some help sweetheart. I hope you find some peace.
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