Ivf - who did you tell?

[CatRen27]

Just that really. I'm about to start my first cycle and told my parents, who didn't seem very supportive/approving, and certainly didn't ask how we were feeling about it. That surprised me and I regret telling them now. What have your experiences been? What were your expectations of support from family? Or did you just keep it to yourselves?

We are due to start our journey in the next couple weeks. We've told my mum (very supportive) and his dad (less so, we are self funding and his views on the cost is ). We have decided not to tell anyone else whilst we are going through the process. It's such an emotional rollercoaster that I'm not sure I even want to talk about it with anyone other than my partner.
Good luck to you OP x

I tell everyone 😂 I actually find talking about it easier as most people have no idea what you’re going through and are usually extremely supportive. It’s such a hard process and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.

When I had my ectopic I found it hard to tell my then male boss why I was in hospital but his wife had been through something similar and he was extremely understanding in the end so I didn’t regret it.

I’m sorry to hear you didn’t have the reaction you expected from your parents, hopefully it was just shock and they will be more supportive going forwards Xx

Just to add people also start opening up to me too and I have found out about many other friends/people at work who have gone through or are going through it too that have really helped to talk too and that has been great Xx

My parents know and have been lovely (and offered pay as we're self funding, which we've refused), my little sister knows, but not my elder one as we're not as close. Some of my friends know, some don't. My husband has just told the in laws. I'm not best pleased about them knowing as they've got form for not keeping things to themselves, but they're his parents and he has a right to tell them what's going on.

So basically, people who we thought would be supportive and not gossipy.

We told no one we didn't want the pressure and it appears everyone who has not had ivf thinks it works every time

Sorry that your parents haven’t reacted as you would like. I guess for a lot of people, especially older generations, this is all a bit of an unknown thing. I hope they come round once they have processed things.

I didn’t tell my Mum because she is a massive worrier and negative thinker and would have (unintentionally) stressed me out more. My partner is very private generally so he didn’t tell anyone at all. I told selected close friends who I knew would be supportive and discreet. I also told a few work colleagues who I trust, as I am generally an open person and didn’t want to have to hide how I was feeling from absolutely everyone. As it turned out that was a v good decision because a couple of them opened up and told me that they had treatment themselves and gave me some good support and encouragement. I only had one negative reaction which was from a friend who I had no idea was against IVF (one of those people who thinks you can “just” adopt, although of course she has kids of her own who are not adopted so knows nothing about the challenging reality of that!) so that was unfortunate. But everyone else has been great.

All I would say is that every person you tell is naturally going to want to know the outcome, so maybe think about how you will manage that. I told very few people the exact timings of things for that reason. Fortunately we were successful first time, but had we not been I would have felt ok telling the people who knew.

Massive good luck to you!

We start next month and other than the relevant people at work (as where I work we have an IVF policy and I'll be quite well looked after) we've told nobody. I'm a very private person as is my DH and I didn't want the pressure of anybody knowing. I did say to DH if he wanted to talk to his parents that was ok but he's no interest in doing so preferring to keep it between us.

I talk to anyone who seems interested. Friends are pretty supportive. My mum has been awful. Lying to me that she had similar issues and then saying she didn't, and just being overly intrusive asking me about tests and appointments and demanding I tell her results. I've now told her that I will tell her things she needs to know an not to ask.

My mil has been much better, but sent the saddest text to dh saying she 'didn't want to bother me' but reminding us of the first birthday of a niece conceived accidentally right after I had my first chemical (long story). Sad and thoughtful... I don't think she knows what to say...

The only good thing from telling my mum is it's connected me more to a cousin who had ivf and I hadn't known... so I've got her to lean on a bit.

Thanks everyone. I think I sit more in the oversharing camp but its true I think I'll also have to be ready to share the results too. I think re my parents it is a generational thing, but I'll have a word and ask for a bit more support.

Great to hear that some work places have an ivf policy - so forward thinking. I work from home so wont have to explain my movements thank goodness!

I’ve been very open about it with friends and family. Agree with a PP - there is no shame in infertility/IVF. We have had three rounds of collections without fresh transfers and will be doing our first FET soon. It’s been a long journey and it feels good to know that people are rooting for us. We’ve had lots of support and most people are very sensitive. Good luck OP.

A few PP have made comment along the lines of Infertility / IVF being nothing to be ashamed of and whilst rationally I agree with this, irrationally I feel massively ashamed that my body can't seem to do what "everyone" else's does and that I'm letting my DH down (albeit we are in the unexplained category). Part of the reason I haven't discussed anything with my mum is that I find my own disappointment nearly to much to bear and don't want to be responsible for her disappointment (in the situation not in me as such as I know she'd try to be supportive). I find infertility incredibly isolating especially as the years have passed and my friends families have developed and moved on. I keep trying to think positively about our plan B if IVF doesn't work out for us but as my start date gets nearer I'm getting more and more anxious / nervous which isn't like me as I'm usually quite practical and matter of fact.
Sorry for the ramble but I guess I just use this forum as a bit of an outlet for things I struggle to verbalise.

I'm normally an oversharer but we told no one bar one set of friends who would have noticed I wasn't drinking. They were horrified (always spoke of going through life child free) but we supportive nevertheless. Didn't tell parents as my mum is a worrier and I think it would have got their hopes up. Glad I didn't as it wasn't successful.

Told work I was having a 'procedure' which meant I may be OOO occasionally which they accepted without question and were very good about.

After the event, lots of people know know as many are going through their own journeys and we share experiences.

The first two cycles we told friends and family

They sadly failed and hard telling everyone it didn’t happen

We didn’t tell anyone about 345 as above

So shocked many people when I said I was preg

Everyone! But tbh people aren't generally very supportive, because they're not going through it themselves; they just don't understand how it feels. They aren't being mean or thoughtless, they just don't 'get it'. Don't expect too much.

We didn't tell anyone. We figured we wouldn't tell them we were ttc, or shagging, so wouldn't tell them that.

I did tell an ante natal friend later, and regretted it when she started sharing the info with people we barely knew. We're not friends any more!

I tell the people I’m closest to at work and in my family. There is nothing to be ashamed of and not telling people in case it goes wrong is stupid because that is precisely when you need their support.

My workplace has been amazing, but I think it’s because they know I’m a good worker. Like everything if you were shit at work before IVF / Pregnancy then your boss will be less supportive.

My mum knew, and one set of friend who were in a similar boat (they were actually told IVF was unsuitable for them and would be very unlikely to have a child of their own - they actually now have two both naturally conceived) knew we were going down that route but we didn't give details to them.
To me I didn't want the pressure that comes from other people knowing or the question how ever well meaning. I needed to deal with failed attempts in my way, in my space without anyone else's input.
I also didn't want anyone to think they had to hide their good news from me, or try to second guess how I would react. We had five babies born to siblings (mine or DH's) while we were trying an each and everyone was both a joy and a knife through the heart to me - I could smile say congratulations then go home crawl into bed and cry for hours I didn't want my sisters-in-law to be aware of that pain.
Once I did get pregnant I was totally open about it being an IVF pregnancy and often still mention it now (DS in 7).

Not telling anyone is hard but I think it is better as people try to help and be supportive but mostly don’t understand but if it helps you to talk so want is best for you, only thing is later you might not want to talk about it and that is hard to avoid when people are trying to help

I've told quite a few people, but I wish I hadn't told half the people about our journey, not just the ivf but right from the start. People will tell you they're supportive and want to know information but when you go through the hard times, I find they invalidate your feelings. Apart from my very supportive parents, I regret telling anyone else

I told my parents and sisters, a few friends and my managers. I think it is hard for people to know what to say to be supportive.

Thanks wineandcheese i have to agree. The times I've been told "it will happen" or even from a friend who'd just had her second (plus her first in the time we been ttc#2) that we should be "pleased" as its chaotic with two.. i was gobsmacked and so sad. There's so little understanding.

We told family (our parents and DH's siblings) and our line managers at work due to the practical requirement for time off to attend appointments. Nobody else. Our line managers were great but obviously just on an arm's length professional level, which was all we wanted from them. Our parents were supportive, but there was a barrier because they were so very worried about us, and we wanted to protect them a bit from being worried. (I wonder if being worried about you, or not wanting to show their own feelings and burden you with them, is part of the reason for your parents' apparent distance - are they the stiff upper lip generation?)

I needed to talk, but chose to have a lot of counselling appointments at the IVF clinic instead!

However...We had one failed fresh cycle (chemical pregnancy) and one successful FET. I had bleeding through the first and into the second trimester and told selected colleagues/friends on a "need to know" basis, as for me that felt easier than the pressure of concealing what was going on. And I was lucky to find some wonderful friends and colleagues who knew the right things to do and say. The support was so lovely that I sometimes wondered if I should have been open during treatment. But on balance, it was right for me not to be. It's always risky telling people about infertility, IVF, pregnancy issues, or losses. You have to be prepared that some people you trust with the information, just won't know what to say, or will say some very crass things, or simply won't be there for you. (My BIL and SIL weren't, and that sort of thing festers for a long time.) You also have to be prepared to share bad news in "real time", as well as good news, and for their reaction to the bad news to be unhelpful.

When I told the world at 20 weeks that I was pregnant, I was matter of fact about it being an IVF pregnancy, and I continued to be open with people after DS was born. Not least, to show what solidarity I could (from the pregnant side of the fence) with people who might, unknown to me, be going through their own infertility struggles. And so many people I thought I knew well have said said "oh yes, me too" - either currently ttc and having problems, or that they'd had a child following infertility, or had experienced secondary infertility. I have never regretted starting those conversations. Infertility affects so many people but there is such silence around it.

However, when you're in the midst of treatment, your focus needs to be hanging in there from day to day. Awkward or crass responses from people you trust, are just too much to cope with. So I'd share the information very cautiously. Having a few people who know, who you can lean on, is good. I hope you find them And good luck for the cycle.

We told our line managers for the time of work aspect and I've also told a colleague who has been through IVF as well. I've not told anyone else but I'm sure a few people may have twigged on to it.

My mum ( now all her friends know) my aunt, her friends also now know 😂. A bunch of people at work and a bunch of friends. The only reason I haven't told everyone is I wasn't confident it would work and didn't want to deal with people's pity.
It did work and I'm just waiting to get out of the danger zone so I can tell everyone else. I'm single and using donor sperm, so far people seem impressed. If anyone didn't feel that way I think it would say more about them than me anyway.

First time round I told quite a few people and regretted it. Everyone had an opinion and were more than happy to share it even if it was completely useless. I mean you don't do IVF without a lot of research especially of you are going abroad. 2nd time I learnt my lesson and told 1 other person and went into hibernation. Felt far happier without all the pressure and well meant interference.