How To Tell My Friend (Who Has Been TTC For 5 Yrs) I'm Pregnant!

[ballerini]

My friend has been TTC for 5 years.
She asked me in January if I was going to start a family and I told her I was trying that month for the first time.
Last month she had her 2nd round of IVF and it did not work. I am now 10 wks pregnant. I'm seeing her this weekend when I will probably tell her I'm pregnant then. I feel like waiting longer to say might upset her more.
Has anyone got any tips on what to say or what not to say?
I feel so bad that this 2nd round of IVF didn't work for her and guilty for falling pregnant straight away when she's had a 5 year struggle and has not managed to get pregnant yet!
We have other friends who are going through IVF and one of the husbands told my husband that every time his wife saw a pregnancy announcement she would get upset and my friend also mentioned last year that she struggled a bit when her friend had a baby!

I wouldn't tell her in person TBH. I'd call her when she is at home with her DH and give her the chance to get off the phone and react in private before she has to be happy for you. But I think it'll be tough no matter how you tell her.

I completely agree with @gingerfoxcub when my best friend told me in person it was very hard to put on a brave face, when all I wanted to do was cry. I would have preferred a text to be honest so that I could have faked my happiness better, but you might feel that's not appropriate and want to call. Don't be offended if she doesn't want to see you straight away, the pain you feel when you find out a friend is pregnant is overwhelming! Although she will still be happy for you to some extent. Telling her in person although you thinks it's best, is just unintentionally cruel, which is not your fault at all, you just couldn't possibly understand what she has been through or what she is feeling. Do not tell her in person,give her room xxx

@ballerini I have to commend you for posting this on the infertility site, it shows you really are going out of your way to try to understand how she will feel and how best to deal with it xxx

You are very considerate.
I would tell her via text personally.. if she does have a moment where it's hard then she can have that moment and then this weekend will be easier.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Another who agrees on a non-face to face option. I would always prefer a text over phone call and definitely over face to face - and do please tell her in person and not wait for her to see a Facebook status with a scan photo - those are also awful for someone struggling with fertility issues.

Remember that you are allowed to be excited about your pregnancy but also remember that she's not going to react with excitement, the first thing she will undoubtedly feel is pain and she may want or need to shy away from you for a while.

Personally I always need time and space to get my head around my feelings before I can physically see anyone I know who is pregnant. I'm aware that this is possibly hurtful for them, and I try not to make it obvious but I have to for self preservation.

I still can't remember the Christmas that a family member announced her pregnancy (with scan photo) in front of the entire family. I had to walk away and cry on my own while everyone else congratulated them. It was the most lonely I've ever felt.

I think it's great that you're aware that this is going to be difficult for her to hear. If she's a true friend, she'll come around but it might take some time.

But definitely a personal message, either a txt (no scan photo, please, it's too painful) or a phone call, depending on how you usually conduct your friendship. I'm not a caller so if a friend called me I'd find it weird and intrusive.

Congratulations OP, you sound like a lovely friend xx

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'd also tell her by text. Would you usually drink wine/coffee with this friend? If so then before you see her could you just slip in that you won't be drinking any alcohol/caffeine this weekend as you're pregnant, although it's still early days? I wouldn't say anything about how she might find that news difficult to hear because I think that can come across a bit patronising. Just let her react how she wants to. Once you actually see her in person, don't bring it up unless she does.

Agree about the not face to face option. When my super fertile sister in law got pregnant and texted me, I sobbed in public (was on a train from Birmingham up to Edinburgh so had time to compose myself) was glad I wasn't in front of her at the time.

I agree - don't tell her in person. Let her deal with her reaction in private.

Congratulations OP, you sound so lovely and considerate. I hope your pregnancy goes really well

I agree with the message option, and I'd also send something along the lines of 'I've got some news I was hoping to share' first. Sometimes news hits you hardest when you're least expecting it. I hope it goes ok with breaking the news, but be warned she may need to keep her distance in order to stay sane, however you tell her. That doesn't mean she's not happy for you but some things are just too raw

Definitely via text. I'm sure someone will be along with some wise wording soon

Don't be offended/hurt if she backs away from you now. It's so so hard and not personal if she does

X post with @ApplesTheHare

As per everyone else - text her.

Do it at a time when you know she'll be at home though and hopefully when her husband will be with her. my sister chose to text me she was pregnant on my first day back at work just as I sat down to start my clinic. She knew we were really short staffed and I was super stressed and starting ivf that week. It was really hard to carry on with the day and I still feel angry towards her for not thinking about what I'd be doing when id receive the text.

Be prepared for her to distance herself from you and don't take it personally. I find it so hard to be around pregnant people - exhausting, upsetting and pretty much soul destroying! I still love them and wish them the best - just hope to join them one day.

Good luck - sounds like you are a good friend xx

Also I hated it when another friend text and said "I didn't know how to tell you as if knew you'd be upset". I found it quite patronising.

I'd just say something like "I have some news I wanted to share" and "I wanted to tell you first". I didn't like the idea of my friend asking our other friends how to tell me so helps to know you were told first x

How about something like:

Hi Hun

I have something I need to tell you, which I appreciate is going to be difficult for you to hear, so please take all the time you need and get back to me when you can. As of today I am 10 weeks pregnant.

That's all I can think of, any other suggestions. I have no idea how to end it. I only write what I myself would find easier to read, everyone's different xx

@Hoping2018 I found that patronising too.. I was sad for me not because they were pregnant.. it was just another reminder that at the time I wasn't!

I absolutely hate the “you will find this difficult” or “it will be hard for you”. Just send something normal like “I’ve got some news, we’re having a baby whenever and we’re really happy”.

Whatever you do, don’t attach a scan photo.

Thanks for all the responses.
I don't usually ring her so I will tell her by text as suggested. If so many hadn't have told me I would have told her to her face thinking I was doing the right thing so thank you.

I'm not a fan of 'you'll find this difficult' - I absolutely agree that she may, and I think texting is a good move, but telling people what emotions you're expecting them to have can go awry. Equally, though, I wouldn't say 'we're really happy' because that might sound a bit like rubbing it in.

ballerini good luck, hope it goes well and enjoy your pregnancy.

My friend told me in person, I would have preferred a text. Perhaps acknowledge her potential pain

Tell her by text message.
My friend told me in person with a scan picture. It was so hard.
You are a very considerate friend and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Fiestylittleowl that sounds awful, I'd have really struggled to keep it together. I remember naively sending friends scan pics when we had DD but it was way before any of my friends were married or trying. I wouldn't dream of telling friends that way now I'm older!

Def tell by text so she can read and digest

Rather then be put on the spot

In the 10trs of ttc and 4 failed ivf many many friends got preg some with 2/3 baby

Obv I was always happy for them but did think why not me
And easier to come to grips with finding out not face to face

But you deserve to be preg

4 IVF's in and I actually don't feel more or less sad with each failed attempt. I can only speak personally but pregnancy news is completely irrelevant to me. I am neither happy nor unhappy for the couple and their happy news. I'm aware that is spiteful but your mate could very well feel the same.

I don't think I feel sad when I hear people are pregnant. I feel devastated that Im not though each time I hear it, and gutted that I don't feel thrilled for someone else as I wish I could but I don't feel sad, just gutted for me that I'm not over the moon or pregnant