How do I tell my sister?

[MissScarletinthePantry]

Hi,

I’ve just found out that I’m pregnant. I’m delighted, but consumed with anxiety about my younger sister. She has been trying for 16 months and is convinced it won’t happen for her. She’s been told by her doctor that preliminary investigations suggest that she and her husband should be able to conceive and she should keep trying, so all hope is not lost, but she is pretty down about it all, even depressed. She has as much as said that me getting pregnant would be the last straw.

I have seen horribly insensitive stuff on eg AIBU and am only really interested in the thoughts of those with experience or at least empathy. I thought this might be the best place to get advice as to handling everything with the most sensitivity I possibly can (assuming the pregnancy sticks: I’m conscious that I still have a 25% miscarriage risk). My current thoughts are:

• She is going to really struggle with my pregnancy. I should be sensitive to this, including understanding if she has to see less of me.

• No complaining to her about pregnancy or newborn, ever.

• I need to make sure she hears the news from me, but by telephone so she doesn’t have to pretend to be happy to my face until she has gathered herself. A text would I think be considered too impersonal, plus if I didn’t get a response I would be really worried (and she’s not good at checking her phone).

• I shouldn’t tell her until around the 12 week mark because the longer she has to try the better. But I must make absolutely sure she hears it from me and nobody else.

• I shouldn’t suggest that she “will” or even might have a baby. This is one I have gleaned from Mumsnet, as it seems that this is an annoying/insensitive thing to say to someone struggling with fertility issues. However, is there anything at all I can say? I feel like saying “I’m pregnant.” and nothing else will confirm in her mind that I believe that she will never have a child. I do think/hope she will one day have a child/children – she hasn’t even tried any fertility treatments like Clomid yet, and she also seems to be stressed out which I imagine isn’t helping.

Does this sound right? Any help gratefully received. I love her dearly and hate the thought of causing her such pain, it’s difficult enough to watch as it is (but at my age I really couldn’t wait any longer to start a family). I’m also concerned that our parents will not be terribly sensitive, this will be their first grandchild and I’m not confident they will be able to rein it in.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sure you sis will be delighted for you and to have a niece or nephew.

My SIL has had two babies in the time I was ttc/adopt, they told me over the phone and not as a huge announcement (my brother already has 3 other kids so he's kind of the source of banter when it comes to baby making). I really appreciated this as it took the pressure off folk looking for my reaction etc.

SIL was very sensitive regarding not posting constant updates on social media. She did however create a family whatsapp group to send regular baby photos, which as much as I adore my nieces and nephews it can be like a taking a shot when having a real tough day.

Like the other posters I wouldn't go on too much about the aunt thing as being an aunt is great but can't be compared to being a substitute for mum. I appreciated a non-patronising or walking on eggshells call "Hi, just phoning to share our news with you, I'm pregnant, due dates blah blah blah.

Just seen your update...That's great news. Good luck in the rest of your pregnancy.

My SIL is trying to conceive and has been struggling. I’d had multiple problems with ovarian cysts having surgeries from the age of 13 to remove them and was pretty prepared for being infertile.

I got pregnant unexpectedly, found out late and am delighted (due next week) but I’ve always treaded carefully around my SIL. She’s 8 years older than me, married and in a perfect position to have a baby and I just hope and pray that she can. I wouldn’t talk about how I got pregnant easily even though unexpectedly or talk about how great it is to be having a child at my age or anything like that because it is insensitive. To my face she’s extremely happy for me but I know how hard it must be. I was worried it would be me who was desperately trying while all my friends kept popping up pregnant.

Just try and be sensitive towards certain things but don’t avoid seeing her with the baby/talking to her because that will make it more awkward and more like you think there’s a problem.

First of all, congratulations :)

Secondly, I’m in your sister’s position right now. We had been ttc for a while when my little sister announced she was pregnant (was an accidental pregnancy) although she had no real qualms in telling me about it. She is due in a few weeks and I have to say it has been incredibly difficult. Not just seeing her belly grow and all the nursery stuff and little baby clothes but also with the family being very excited about it all and talking about it non stop. There have been days when I’ve come home from seeing her and just cried. In fact, she sent me a video of the baby kicking in her belly the other day and I burst into tears. I assume your sister will have those same feelings. The only thing you can do is be sensitive. Include her in things but also try and think twice about what parts of your pregnancy might upset her. I find scan picture after scan picture with captions like “mummy and daddy can’t wait to meet you” hard but that said, I wouldn’t begrudge my sister for doing that because she has every right to be excited about having a baby. I won’t lie, it’s tough because she probably won’t want you treading on eggshells around her but there will be times that she will be jealous and upset and you just have to remember it’s not that she’s sad that you’re pregnant, she’s just sad that she’s not. You’ll find a balance eventually but in the meantime, just try and be as sensitive as you can without making it hard for yourself to enjoy your pregnancy :)