How do I tell my sister?

[MissScarletinthePantry]

Hi,

I’ve just found out that I’m pregnant. I’m delighted, but consumed with anxiety about my younger sister. She has been trying for 16 months and is convinced it won’t happen for her. She’s been told by her doctor that preliminary investigations suggest that she and her husband should be able to conceive and she should keep trying, so all hope is not lost, but she is pretty down about it all, even depressed. She has as much as said that me getting pregnant would be the last straw.

I have seen horribly insensitive stuff on eg AIBU and am only really interested in the thoughts of those with experience or at least empathy. I thought this might be the best place to get advice as to handling everything with the most sensitivity I possibly can (assuming the pregnancy sticks: I’m conscious that I still have a 25% miscarriage risk). My current thoughts are:

• She is going to really struggle with my pregnancy. I should be sensitive to this, including understanding if she has to see less of me.

• No complaining to her about pregnancy or newborn, ever.

• I need to make sure she hears the news from me, but by telephone so she doesn’t have to pretend to be happy to my face until she has gathered herself. A text would I think be considered too impersonal, plus if I didn’t get a response I would be really worried (and she’s not good at checking her phone).

• I shouldn’t tell her until around the 12 week mark because the longer she has to try the better. But I must make absolutely sure she hears it from me and nobody else.

• I shouldn’t suggest that she “will” or even might have a baby. This is one I have gleaned from Mumsnet, as it seems that this is an annoying/insensitive thing to say to someone struggling with fertility issues. However, is there anything at all I can say? I feel like saying “I’m pregnant.” and nothing else will confirm in her mind that I believe that she will never have a child. I do think/hope she will one day have a child/children – she hasn’t even tried any fertility treatments like Clomid yet, and she also seems to be stressed out which I imagine isn’t helping.

Does this sound right? Any help gratefully received. I love her dearly and hate the thought of causing her such pain, it’s difficult enough to watch as it is (but at my age I really couldn’t wait any longer to start a family). I’m also concerned that our parents will not be terribly sensitive, this will be their first grandchild and I’m not confident they will be able to rein it in.

I don’t really understand what all this walking on eggshells is about. Also, she’s the only person responsible for her own feelings including intense jealousy over other people getting pregnant. If she can’t cope, then counselling could be a good idea.

It’s a very happy occasion for you and you must be dead excited. I’d just tell her. Out of consideration, it might good to do it over the phone but being apologetic in this situation sounds quite odd. Other than that, don’t rub it in over and over again or patronise but it’s fantastic news and so I hope she can be excited for you.

JoJo I don't know what you're doing on the infertility board when you obviously have no understanding of the pain it involves, but could you just fuck right off? Unlike you, the OP is an empathetic, considerate person who actually cares about not hurting her sister.

I'm sorry, I advanced searched and clearly you do have experience of infertility. Frankly that means I find your complete lack of compassion even more inexplicable, but I am sorry for my assumption that you hadn't experienced it.

LisaSimpsonsbff, why are you so aggressive? I’ve got several years of infertility under my belt, than you very much. I just don’t think the whole world revolves around my infertility and everyone needs to walk on eggshells or apologise for having a normal life or getting pregnant easily the old-fashioned way.

No further advice OP but just to say congratulations, you sound absolutely lovely and your sister is lucky to have you.

Jojo some people suffering from infertility take pregnancy announcements in their stride, like you, but clearly from the supportive messages on this thread, others don’t. OP is trying to be sensitive to her sister, and this should be welcomed.

JoJoSM2
I have to say, I think the way you react to baby announcements and other people’s pregnancies is unusual though. Most of us experiencing infertility don’t react like this. From what the OP has told us about her sister, I think she’s unlikely to react like you and more likely to react like the rest of us.

While it’s great that you’re able to cope better with these announcements than a lot of the rest of us, please don’t criticise us for our feelings. The vast majority of us feel horrible and selfish enough as it is that we feel bitter and upset by others pregnancy announcements that we don’t need to be verbally beaten up or made to feel even worse about ourselves for having these feelings.

This has nothing to do with thinking the world revolves around me or my infertility, but some compassion towards those of us who struggle with others’ pregnancy announcements wouldn’t go amiss.

And OP, to reiterate what others have said, you do sound lovely, kind and considerate. Please don’t take it personally if your sister does withdraw for a bit after you’ve told her-I’m sure it won’t be personal and if she does, it will be to allow her to process her own feelings.

It took us years and multiple rounds of IVF to get pregnant. During that time every man and his dog seemed to be having babies and it was hard seeing scan photos and baby announcements all over social media.
I just felt a bit sad but thought it's going to happen and they're acquaintances, so get on with things. And that was okay.

Then a few closer friends got pregnant and either announced in a whole group chat or on social media and/or proceeded to have lengthy group chats about being pregnant. That really upset me because they knew about my situation and had lived through it over the years. It's like all they could focus on was their baby and how awesome it was.

Other maybe not such close friends who knew specifically messaged me before it went on social media etc. I wouldn't necessarily expect that, but it was very thoughtful and kind and made a big difference.

My advice would be to

1. tell her yourself. Maybe preface it by I know this is going to be really difficult but I don't want to keep it from you...I'm pregnant. And then say that you will talk to her as much or as little as she feels comfortable with it, and be guided by her.

1. Don't talk to her about the experience of being pregnant unless she asks. No one likes a baby bore anyway ;) but it's the worst if you're talking to someone who thinks they might never experience it too. So not just the moaning but all the exciting/new things that someone might feel during pregnancy or with small children.

Also on the same note, maybe don't post too much stuff publicly where she can see it (depending on whether you would do that anyway).

It's a really hard position to be in. Please don't feel any guilt or whatever that it worked for you. im sure that mixed in with her sadness at the news will be happy feelings for you. And you can't just not get pregnant ever because it might upset her. It's horrible but sometimes it's part of life and hopefully it will get less painful for her over time, even if it never happens for them.

(Also I would never ever say this to her, so just to throw in some context for you... but 16 months is not very long in the grand scheme of things - most people need to try 2yrs or even 3yrs before qualifying for NHS funding -if you can get it - because actually it's not that long. I know it feels forever but the time guidelines are there for a reason. There is every chance that with help they may conceive, you just don't know either way. If she's younger than you, and I dk how old you both are, then she has more time too. I guess it might make a massive difference if she's 25 or 35 as to how she feels).

I wish you all the best with it x

Thanks everyone,

Rubyboots, do you think it's okay to say "I know this will be hard for you"? I'm worried she might feel patronised if I say that, whereas if I text her, then tell her in a matter of fact rather than excited way over the phone (we see each other in person all the time), she will infer that I am conscious of her position.

I totally agree re 16 months not being long in the grand scheme of things, and do not think it is hopeless as no problem has been identified in preliminary investigations and she has yet to try IVF or even eg Clomid, plus she is stressed which I imagine can't help. So it is hard not to say "Don't give up hope" etc, but is that the wrong thing to say? (Not in the course of the pregnancy announcement, more generally!).

To be honest my biggest fear is that, because she is both proud and lovely, she will feel the need to feign huge enthusiasm, bottling her feelings up and increasing her stress/depression.

(Not suggesting that anyone who did want to withdraw would not be lovely! But she is the sort of person who puts others first to her own detriment, and who is usually too proud to admit unpleasant feelings but bottles things up.)

Hi OP, congratulations on your news . You sound like a lovely sister to have - and it’s good you are trying to do the best thing. In my experience when people have announced pregnancies I have found it easier when it’s been by text to just me, definitely not a group text, as then you get inundated with zillions of congratulations messages which you can’t get away from... if she really is rubbish with looking at her phone then a call would def be better than face to face, as others have said, having to sit with a fake smile plastered on your face isn’t fun. I would be careful with when / where you call her though - do you know when she is likely to be at home with her DH? Pls don’t tell her on the phone while she’s out in Tesco for example...
The other thing I would say is that I had a friend who was very conscious of how I would feel when announcing her 3rd pregnancy (2nd in the time we have been ttc) she was lovely and she texted to tell me etc so was all good, but then every time I saw her after that she was SO overly apologetic about it all it made me feel a bit patronised. When you tell her I’d tell her that you know it might be hard to hear but you wanted to tell her your news... then tell her and say you know that it’s not fair and shit that things haven’t happened yet for them and that you wish more than anything that they will. Also, one last thing - i’d probably tell her (and her Dh) before 12 weeks - by 12 weeks she might have guessed. Good luck x

plus she is stressed which I imagine can't help. So it is hard not to say "Don't give up hope" etc

I don't think you would because you're lovely but just to reiterate - please, please, please don't hint at the fact you think she's not conceiving because she's stressed. Someone said that it was my anxiety that kept making me miscarry and I think about that most days. It is horrible to be told that the worst thing in your life is your own fault.

It's hard to know with the 'don't give up hope' - I think it's so individual. I hate anyone saying that my next pregnancy will be fine because they can't possibly know that, but I feel the same about 'I'm sure it'll happen for you eventually'. But other people do genuinely find that comforting. I don't think I'd say it as part of the conversation where you tell her, and then I'd be led by her - if she is saying she feels hopeless then she's unlikely to want to be told not to give up hope, but if she talks about trying to keep positive then encouraging her in that is kind.

Thanks Lisa, that's helpful. On reflection I'd say she hasn't totally given up hope in that we have (recently but before I got pregnant) had conversations about maternity leave etc. When talking about the fertility struggle itself she will say "I'm infertile" but I don't think she has lost all hope...she's just feeling understandably worried and thoroughly fed up.

I wouldn't dream of mentioning the stress, and the "Relax and it will happen" is infuriating, but I have personally missed periods through stress just before I conceived so am wondering if the same might apply to her.

I have decided not to say "I know this will be hard for you" or anything like that. I will show my sensitivity in action but not in words like that. We are both proud, and I think if the boot were on the other foot I would hate the assumption that it would be hard for me/feeling pitied.

I feel like I have a little more empathy because my friends wrongly assumed that I was trying given my age and I was outraged by how patronising people were. I got the "Relax and it will happen" (How will it happen if we are not trying? Are you threatening me with a contraception failure?). One friend told me she knew her pregnancy announcement would be hard for me and that really got to me, to be honest. I was delighted for her (less so after that presumptuous comment and accompanying look of pity!).

I think that all sounds really good and thoughtful. She is lucky to have such a considerate sister, she really is.

I think the thing is with the stress thing that it can be both true and unhelpful, if that makes sense? Extreme stress can affect fertility, and there are some links between stress and miscarriage - but that just gives you one more thing to worry about. I can't force myself out of being anxious, it doesn't work that way, so saying it causes my miscarriages just makes me panic more. I think you could gently, if it seems appropriate in a future conversation, suggest that she think about trying yoga or whatever, but framed as 'to help you get through this and look after yourself', not 'so that you relax and then you can get pregnant'.

I think you are going about this the right way OP. I personally hated the idea of being pitied or patronised when I was struggling to conceive. I think picking the right moment and being sensitive and matter of fact is the best way to tell her, without making assumptions about how she will feel.

When my friends were pregnant and I wasn't I saw them occasionally but I found it hard to offer support etc and keep in touch between catch-ups. I didn't feel I was in a position to do so, or the right person to offer sincere support. So if you sister does draw back for a while then it's nothing to do with you, just about her own self preservation.

Incidentally, once they'd had the babies I found it was far easier to see them and enjoy baby cuddles than seeing the bump! So with any luck she will be able to hopefully have a relationship with her little niece/nephew in time.

I think you know your sister best so do what you feel is right.

If I thought someone would find something tricky or upsetting, I would personally/professionally (my job is sort of relevant) preface it with a this isn't easy as I want this for you too or I imagine this might be hard for you but I wanted to tell you... I wouldn't keep banging on about it, I'd just say it the once, tell the news and make it clear the ball was in their court with how much they wanted to discuss it.
But I'm not your sister so please follow your intuition. It sounds like you guys are super close and know each other very well.

Also as the other posters said, there is no evidence whatsoever that stress affects fertility. So whether she is stressed or not might feel crap for her, but it won't be the thing changing the likelihood of pregnancy.

It is still early days but if she's that stressed about the time factor now, then commenting on it won't help. Maybe if it came from someone who'd been in that position and it worked out...but not from someone that hasn't. I wouldnt say don't give up hope (or any instruction at all) or even that you hope it for her (added pressure!!).

I had a fertility doctor once say to me if you just relax you're much more likely to conceive. Apart from being patently inaccurate, I wasn't the slightest bit anxious (am not an anxious person) and he mistook my anger towards him being a pillock the whole consultation as anxiety. I could've punched him 😂 Telling someone to relax and it will happen is just the worst isn't it ;)

Oh OP I remember this well with my little sister. I decided to tell her first, just before the rest of our families. I told her I was pregnant and I started to cry before I could get anything else out! ( I had two older DC). So she got really confused and asked it it was planned. I told her it was and she said " then why are you crying?!" I told her I was just a little bit sad as I would just love it to be her news. Guess what? She had news too! We were due one day apart! I bawled like a baby(!) and have such happy memories of that moment. I actually had a mc shortly afterwards but her DS is a joy. I really hope your sister gets good news soon OP.

I think you are a lovely sister to think about her feelings

It took 10yrs ttc and 4failed ivf and 5th successful

In that time pratically all my friends and cousins had children

It was hard to hear. Esp those that got preg first time ttc - or after a few months - or by accident and esp when two revealed preg after my 2nd ivf failed

But

Sadly it's life. Agree don't say your time will come - you will be a fab auntie etc

Hope she takes the news well but yes likely she will possibly distance herself for a while

I think you are being wonderfully thoughtful. I do think given the circumstances she needs to know first so there is no risk of any stupid slip ups. I really really think she should be told Before her DH- she's your sister after all.
Your parents could easily let the cat out the bag in excitement and that would be a total disaster for your sister.

Good luck OP -

Wow, it is so strange listening to this story from your side. I have been on your sister's side for so long. I would get so envious everytime I heard a pregnancy announcement. Eventually, I would be happy for them, but at first it was just envy and a realization that life just isn't fair. Your post has made me realize that being on the other side of the table isn't easy either. You seem to have the right ideas. Just follow all these and go with your gut. She's your sister after all. She'll come around soon enough. Good luck!

I suffered infertility for 3 years and was very happy for others. Each pregnancy highlighted how crap my body was though.

Tell her on the phone but don’t wait 12 weeks. Tell her now and tell her that there is a 1/4 chance of miscarriage. Tell her You’ve been worried about letting her know as you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Don’t tell her just to relax and she’ll get pregnant. Just listen if she opens up. Ask her how you can best support her.

You sound lovely OP.

I don't think it was helpful of brother in law to make the 'if you got pregnant she'd jump off a cliff' comment though.

I think it's important to think of both of your feelings here. You want to be sensitive about a subject that is painful for your sister. But the fact that you are pregnant is also very happy news. So it is for both of you in that situation to manage each other's feelings tbh.

So yes it will be painful for her (and you may need to give her some time and space to adjust to news) but it is also wonderful news for you. You shouldn't feel you have to minimise anything related to pregnancy or having a newborn - it seems too much to me to be planning on not moaning about your newborn sleeping etc.

I have pain and sorrow (not about infertility) on a daily basis and so many things hurt and I feel envy. But as well as expecting others not to be crass about my painful subject, I also have expectations of myself too and work hard to stop people feeling they can't have joy or moan about something in front of me cos I 'have it worse'.

Congratulations on pregnancy and hope everything goes wonderfully!

Thank you so much for all the responses. I do think DM can be trusted not to reveal to my sister but I might tell my sister first anyway.

@Bunnystew I really don't want to tell my sister or anyone else now. I wouldn't want everyone to know if we had a miscarriage and/or needed a termination for medical reasons. I don't want to tell anyone at all until we have some assurance about the viability of the pregnancy, which is likely to be no earlier than 10 weeks and possibly a little later.

In any event, I don't want to tell my sister too early for two additional reasons: (1) to give her a few more months to try (2) because I remember a Mumsnet post a while back where the OP was struggling with fertility and was angry/upset that her sister felt the need to tell her the news at the earliest possible juncture, almost like this was a gratuitous early start to the upset she would inevitably feel.

The 12 week mark falls at Christmas so another issue may be when is best to tell her to minimise any upset at Christmas/allow her the chance if necessary to change Christmas plans (though as I say I think she is more likely to grin and bear at and bury her feelings rather than avoid me).

Despite my best efforts, my early symptoms have already elicited suspicion from friends so the decision as to when is best to tell may be taken out of my hands somewhat.

A little update: I told my sister. She needed a little time to process and said it was tough. But a relatively short time later she was warmly congratulating me, asking me about symptoms, expressing what seemed to be genuine excitement etc. I'm not foolish enough to think that this means that she's 100% okay but she definitely wishes me well and is just so full of love and kindness that I feel quite emotional about it. Her DH told my DH that he felt we had dealt with everything with just the right amount of sensitivity so I'm happy and relieved about that. Our family has been very sensitive over Christmas also, thankfully.

I was preparing for the worst but I think she will be by my side more than I could have expected. I bloody love this woman!