TTC for 18 months or more. Moving onto IUI/IVF/ICSI -part 2

[bluebird3]

We have relocated from the conception board where we were previously chatting under the thread 'ttc for 10 months or more'. A lot of us are now long term ttc-ers and are going through infertility treatment or looking to take steps in this direction so we feel this might be a more suitable home for us!

Feel free to stop by and say hi and hopefully we can share the journey together and make it a little easier along the way!

I wondered how many people here have shared their problems with friends and how they found it? I have quite a close group of 3 friends and told them but I really kind of wish I hadnt now. They are pretty good and talk about it and suggest things but whilst I know they are trying to help and so try not to let it bother me sometimes when they make silly suggestions or say thoughtless things I really do regret it lol. Such as my friend "maybe relax and it will happen". . My parents know too but OH is not at all close with his so his side are oblivious.
There seems to be a lot of people who keep it very quiet, was wondering how you guys have dealt with it?

Oh you lot have been chatty tonight!

Star so pleased to hear from you and glad the injections and system is going well! I didn't find the yummy ones too bad but terrified of doing it into the leg! Tummy has more padding surely?! I guess I won't have much choice if I run out of stabbing space! I think it's probably a good thing you have been so busy - when do we normally ever get a chance NOT to think of infertility! Good luck for Thursday - keep us updated!

Just welcome to the thread and sorry you find yourself here. You are similar to me - all tests normal and unexplained. I think it's good there is a plan - I just keep trying to look ahead and take each appointment as a goal. For me that's a patient info session next Friday - but I might be due to cycle in March too!

Rosie well done on getting the bmi down! Think everyone in the same boat with overindulging at Christmas!! I can't remember how long it was for the appointment, maybe 3 months?

Pteradactyl no word from the doctors yet??
As to your question about telling friends, apart from my 2 bosses I've told 3 others. One I told when I was a bit drunk as she asked me outright about babies - she has been the worst. And I avoid her now, had some very insensitive messages when she fell pregnant and I just can't deal with it. Other friend has been brill, no silly suggestions and let's me rant and always willing to listen - she is often outraged on my behalf by other people's insensitive comments.
Finally my best friend, she has been great but it got complicated recently when she fell pregnant in her first month trying. I find it hard to be excited unfortunately - but we have had very honest conversations about how we both feel and she has been very understanding. I just wish I didn't feel like such an awful friend not being there for her in the way I wish I had hoped I could. Sorry for the long post there!

Blue hooray for the +ve opk! I tried a couple of times with cheapies and never got a positive and then with the digital ones I skipped the flashing smiley phase - never knew if that was a bad thing?! Not long to wait for the scratch! Looks like it will be just after star's!

Sorry your takeaway was rubbish - hate it when that happens - so disappointing

Thistle I'm sorry you are getting crap from people. It's very hard for people to understand unless they have been through it themselves. I'm 30 and often get told I still have time, which of course I know I do but it doesn't stop me from having wanted a baby 2 years ago!

Yummy = tummy obvs!

We could be cycle twins maple!

I've told my boss as I need time off, my family know and I have told 3 friends. 1 because we started TTC at same time, she now has two! Another because she asked. And finally my bestie. Who has been fab. She's just had her first baby. I dreaded going round to see her but was glad I did, was mortified to cry all over her newborn's head . She called me afterwards to say how much she appreciated me coming even though she knew it was hard.

I find it better to be open. I think more people should talk about it. Get rid of the stigma.

Have had some massively insensitive comments too. I am a master of the fake smile but usually end up sobbing somewhere.

Relax is my most hated one. Fuck off.

Sorry ladies I just had a bit of a bad day today.

Woke up in the middle of the Japan flag today and realised that this month was not my month again...

DMIL was asking about grand children that i seem incapable of giving her. (I had to leave the room and pretend i was going to the toilet so that she couldnt see me upset). She has no idea that there is problems. But i think she realised when i came back from the toilet with a face resembling a smacked wellyboot...

Pteradactyl My DH, DM, DS all know. DH is my rock. DM cant understand why i have problems as it took about 2 mins to conceive me apparently!. DS tries to be understanding but acts like its nothing and i shouldnt be upset i should just accept it. and i told one of my good friends, but she doesnt understand and keeps saying "when you have kids" such and such has a kid now... blahh blahh blahh and TBH i thought she cared more about me than to say that kind of stuff to me. How is "just relax" going to suddenly going to 'upduff' me.

Just i do try to not be bitter as everyone desserves to be happy but i know exactly what you mean. Sometimes the smile and congrats comes out but all you want to say is what happend this time did he sneeze on you! or did you accidently slip on his dick. Honestly the amount of people that have told me that they got preggers by "accident". And i know all about going somewhere to cry in private all the people in my work are pretty insensitive to the point where i have thought about handing in my notice more than once ... They have no idea but some of the comments over the past little while are : why you not having kids? is there something wrong are you broken? is your hubby a jaffa? do you not want kids? you will need to start thinking about it you are about the right age... when i push a trolley "are you practising?"... why do you look tired, you will be when you have kids.. do you care more about your career than having a family?... and my number one fave is: "the only reason that you enjoy christmas is because you have no kids to pay for!" and then they are really nice usually so it is either a good day or not. I just think ignore them and save the money i will need it incase i need IVF.

Apparently you lose your dignity giving birth i disagree you lose your dignity every time a dr asks you how often you have sex...every time someone stares up your foof... every test you have. when you have to give up all the good things and have sweet fuck (sorry) all to show for it. "Relax and it will happen..." can go take a flying fuck (sorry) to itself...

thistle some of those are shocking. I've had some bad comments but nothing like that. The worst one for me is myself best friend who had two kids young and they are 12 and 8 now. She is constantly complaining about them and whenever I try to talk to her about fertility stud she says "want one of mine?" Needless to say we don't talk about it much anymore!

I've told loads and loads of people. It helps me to talk about it. Maybe because I'm American! Sometimes I wish I had told less people but normally I prefer to talk about it openly.

Seems everyone has told people at least!
blue I always want to break down the stigma but at the same time it is scary. I am on fb and it seems everyone announces every single medical condition they have on there but I have never seen an infertility one, although my OH has an old school friend who had ivf recently (unsuccessful sadly, also not very reassuring!) I have this idea that if (when?!) we finally have a baby and they have arrived safe I will share the struggle a bit more. It may offer hope to someone I know without realising.
Sorry thistle you really seem to be having a time of it right now. Hope you are feeling better soon and sorry about the arrival of af. I have a friend who also says "when ypu have another" despite me repeatedly telling her it's an if not a when and I think they are just trying to be positive but it is so, SO irritating!! Also, I have given birth and have to agree, infertility tests are far less dignified.
maple nope no word. Will ask OH to chase them tomorrow! It's good you have good support. I have a friend who tries so hard to help but I can almost get a vibe that she is...very much confident we have a big problem and its something she doesnt have to worry about for herself. Which it 99.9% isn't tbh, but still. Must be tough about your friend falling in the first month. I really think my aforementioned friend will be like this when they start ttc in the next year or so
I was awake a couple of hours in the night (apparently infertility causes me insomnia in the form of wanting to google cures/alternatives/success rates at stupid times of the night) and was looking at potentially using donor sperm if OH has genetic issues. I need to learn to just take things one step at a time! I am awful for wanting a plan for every eventuality though lol. I even looked at IUI with donor but I don't think I can do it as have a potentially blocked tube. Plus of course I don't think OH even would be up for donor. Just get ahead of myself a bit sometimes!!! Hope everyone enjoys their Sunday x

Hi all, I'm hoping I can join in on this thread?

To introduce myself - I'm DJ, 35, TTC #2 for 2.5 years, 3 early MC, unexplained infertility.

Currently on Day 3 of Gonal F injections for our first IVF cycle and feeling absolutely crazy. I think the hormones are really affecting me, felt sick this morning too. Poor DH got the brunt.

Big hugs to everyone, it's so, so hard.

Bluebird3 The people in my work they think it is just banter and to be fair they make fun of everybody. Im just a bit sensitive about it . I dont think they mean to be horrible. I am alot less upset today. Feeling much more possitive.
Im sorry to hear that some people are so insensitive they have no idea. That is quite brave to tell alot of people it must be a quite a releif. I mean where did you start? i worry if i tell people and then i get preggers and it would have all been a big fuss for nothing. I will tell more people close to me soon it wouldnt hurt to talk to more people.

Just very brave of you to go to. She sounds lovely we always wish the best for our loved ones... Though it may be hard for us to admit. Im sure she didnt mind the tears.

Rosie fantastic on keeping that BMI Down the weight just creeps up. I was also a bit indulgant over christmas. Well Done!

pteradactyl Tbh i dont know what is less dignified i only have experience of one side and i spoke before i thought. Its horrible not being able to sleep im rather the opposite i could sleep for 14hrs+ easy if i didnt have work to go to. Brace yourself for March on FB everyone that got preggers at chrimbo will be posting scan pics. 'Avoid google it lies'. Would it help you sleep if you just sat down DH to talk out more options? sperm donation egg donation adoption ect.(Just a thought tell me to bugger off if im out of line). My DH actualy asked to talk to me about it. I tried to avoid talking to him about it but he could see that i was getting rather upset as i blamed myself so we had a longgggg talk about it last night and i feel so much better.

Jack warm welcome. Im sorry for your loss . The sickness will be worth it eventualy just keep a possitive mind set. Easier said than done i know. Im sure DH understands its difficult I wouldnt worry on that side.

Thank you ScottishThistle :) I got lots of hugs and 🍫, so that helped. I'm glad you managed to have a chat with your DH, I had underestimated how hard it is for them sometimes. Has it opened more options for you to think about?

Thanks thistle. My OH is awful for talking about it. He always just says let's see what they say and I'm definitely not doing donor. But then other times he has said he might think about it. I feel we would have to talk about it. It is just such a crappy situation isn't it. I think he feels very sad, angry and disappointed that he has such a low count but I also feel like he is living in dreamworld cos when I do try to talk about it he is always saying how we should try naturally once I get a cycle. Which of course we will if and when I ever get a cycle but realistically it is hugely unlikely to happen naturally and annoys me that he won't talk it through.
I am planning to have a chat with him later though, this whole thing has taken such a huge toll on our relationship. Everyone else seems to find it brings them closer, we are def the opposite here unfortunately.

DJYes more options im happier just knowing that we are on the same page 100%. hugs and chocolate always help. Well not with the BMI but defo makes you feel better .

Pteradactyl It sounds like he needs a hug its not easy. Especialy when you feel that your to blame... just keep trying to talk. Its just one of the shitty things in life. There are statistics and someone has to be it. Thats the only good thing about this forum we are all in the same boat!

We should set up a partners chat and stick them all on it so they could talk.

You are right. My dd is going to her dads tonight so planning a technology free evening and just spend some time together and talk it through. Hugs all round.

Good idea about the partner chat.. all men though. What is the betting they talk about football and cars only?!

thistle I guess it started because I told loads of people we were trying when we started. Stupid but I was so happy and excited and confident it would happen easily. Fast forward 2 years still no baby...most people can put two and two together. So it wasn't breaking a huge revelation. Also I work in a fairly close office with about 10 ladies and 1 of them went through IVF almost 2 years ago. So it wasn't too hard to bring up as everyone had known about her and you can't really hide it from work when you are in a job like mine.

Sorry everyone's partners are having such a hard time. My dh doesn't really care. He never wanted kids and agreed because he knew it was a deal breaker for me. He cares that it's upsetting to me. When we found out we needed IVF he just said "sounds like a lot of hassle" and is leaving it all up to me to sort out. His attitude is 'point me in the direction of the spunk cup at the right time' and the rest is up to you. It sounds bad but I don't really mind. I don't have the guilt that I can't give him a baby and don't have to worry that he won't be able to perform when necessary. The worst part for him is that we can't plan big holidays too far in advance because we never know what is going to be happening. I guess everyone is different.

Blue That is not stupid no one ever expects to be in this position . My work think that my appointments are for other health reasons i never tell them though. They are always asking how i am getting on. Very much of the same i work in a small office too! I hate being elusive with the truth but tbh i dont really know if i could face them if they knew.
I am actualy one of those people who deny wanting to have a child because it hurts so much to admit that i do and im having difficulty. I will need to tell my boss eventualy he is really nice its just well.. i cant trust him to not tell anyone. I also worry that they will try to give smaller wage rises which happen every year but we are told do not talk to each other about wage rises so you never know what someone else got ect. As i told DH i am worried that if i cant eventualy have kids then i would need my job to keep me busy. Probs in my head. Im just not ready to tell my work yet. I dont really need to hear their opinions that i know they would try to give me.

"Spunk cup" That is brilliant! haha

pteradactyl DH Hates football ha ha. Good Luck for your chat and i hope you have a lovely night.

Just would be rest if we were! Well done on seeing your friend and her baby - I know I will find it incredible hard - I'm happy for her but sad for me

Thistle sorry AF came. And some of those comments are awful! Even if they were said in jest, that's incredibly insensitive and not funny in the slightest. Sorry it's tough at work when really it should be trying to keep mind of it all.

Welcome DJ and I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I'm unexplained too. Good luck with the stabbing!

My DH does talk about it but it's more me talking at him! I just like to go over things I think - he's more of the positive one. He doesn't like cars I'm afraid though pteradactyl but will happily talk about football!

My DH doesn't like football either! Maybe we need to separate them into cars vs football. Films and music, now ...

Bluebird, my DH and I had a laugh about the analysts having to work the "spunk shift" on a Thursday morning when all the semen analysis is done ;)

Maplebaby, I had worked it up in my head to more than it was, it was so weird having to overcome your natural impulse NOT to stick a needle in your leg!

ScottishThistle, I haven't told my work either. I'm lucky that I can schedule most of my own work and it's quite flexible, so I've managed so far. I'm having to miss a meeting this week though for an activity scan.

Pterodactyl, I'm sorry your DH doesn't want to talk. I know mine found getting the SA done a really terrifying thing and quite upsetting, but didn't feel able to tell me as it was such a "small thing" that he'd done compared to all the invasive tests I had to have. Perhaps he feels the same? That's it's not comparable to what you're going through?

Ptera, I think you and your dh are some way off donor sperm yet. I don't know what his count was like, but with icsi they really only need one per embryo so you can have a really low count and still be ok. I think if there's issues with fertilisation then they look at donor sperm but until you've done a cycle you won't know if that applies to you.

Sorry, I can't recall who was asking about timelines but I was referred in October 2015 then had scans, bloods and SA done and saw a consultant in Jan 2016. So it's been a year between seeing a consultant and starting treatment, it that's because we tried a few things first, few months on proxeed, then three cycles of Clomid and then my holiday got in the way so we just got started. I don't regret trying those other treatments as I definitely didn't feel ready for ivf a year ago. Also, I'm at King's - I think someone else was just getting started there.

will let you know how the scratch goes on Thursday! Blue, are you booked in yet since you got a positive opk?

Good luck with your appt tmrw Tea and yours is just next week now geeup, almost there!

Ah thanks for thinking of me star. Yes just over a week and counting!!! Trying to think of something to do every evening to make time pass faster!

star I'm booked in for next Monday. Then should start injections the week after. It's all getting real now. I need distractions too!!!

Good luck gee! Keep us updated.

Loling at the spunk shift DJ. I wonder what they analyse the other days? I am clueless about that kind of job. Are there special spunk shifters?!
Gotta be honest on the football and cars chat...I was being stereotypical and OH hates both lol. You get my jist though, they would talk about anything other than feelings etc.
We had a lovely chat on sunday. I cried which was nice to let the emotions out. Feeling much more positive and united now :) still no results however!!!
star I was thinking more on the genetics than the count for the donor really. Although, the consultant we saw in October said with such a low count they would probably go for a surgical sperm retrieval. I always understood as long as sperm were present, that's all they need for ICSI?! He confused me.
Also how many SA did you guys have if there is male factor involved? OH had an incomplete one then another with really poor results and they wouldnt do another. But I have heard you can only get a true result with 3 tests at least a month apart. I wouldnt expect a miracle jump or anything but just to see the comparison would be nice (and hopefully he would have a few more than the one we got results for!) They did mention they would do one more if the genetics come back ok. Such a long wait for these dang results!
Anyway, sorry that was a mini essay again guys

Pteradactyl no useful info as my ours isn't MF but DH had 2 SAs (first had low morph) and then because we had 3 IUIs they had a good look then too. He's recently done a semen culture too, don't know what the results were!

Tea has AF made an appearance?? Can you start stabbing?

Ptera we had three private SAs - 2 at Create a month apart and then a very expensive, detailed one with Dr Jonathan Ramsay at the London Clinic who's a leading urologist.
It's so weird. My DH went to his doctor after the first couple of SAs to ask for an NHS referral to investigate the low morphology. The doctor said relax and keep trying and that was that.
I went to my doctor, had a million tests, a lap and dye and hysteroscopy etc which found nothing. However, my (different) doctor then referred us to a fertility consultant and we have now been referred for IVF without a single NHS SA but based on MFI. Just shows it's often the women plugging away that actually get us anywhere. Bizarre.