To those without kids - how do you feel when you wake up on a Saturday morning?

[SniffleCentral]

I always feel flat. Weekends seem a bit 'meh'. Of course, I think wistfully about the 'bustlingness' that I imagine to happen in households with kids.

Doesn't help that DH isn't very dynamic round the house i.e. he's not up early busying himself round the house doing things.

It's 9.15am and I've got up and made myself a cup of tea and just feel like I might as well go back to bed. I'm not sure if I can cope with a lifetime of this. And yes, I probably need to develop a weekend morning hobby. I used to run, but I have a bad knee .

We are thinking of adoption, but sometimes I wonder if it's fair to adopt to give 'me' something (ie. fill an empty life). Adoption should be about the child.

I also feel very old and creaky and wonder if I have the energy. I'm 40 in six months.

Just wondering if there are any others out there who feel the same .

I love it. I make plans to do things they wouldn't be as easy with children - weekends away to see friends, gigs on a Saturday night, reading in bed till 11am, that sort of thing.

I found I had to change my mindset about it, and think about all the things I could do instead.

Yes Caulk I definitely do need to change my mindset. I'm just not sure how. Any tips? (Genuine question, that!)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed, but it's hard sometimes to disentangle the 'inevitable' sadness around infertility from depression, if you see what I mean.

Sorry you're feeling rubbish

In the early days I was very sad that we were still not pregnant, and spent them googling or reading or obsessing. Or imagining what it would be like when. Over time I've just switched off a bit. We still want children but I think (hope) we'll be ok if we don't.

I'm pretty much back to "normal" most of the time. Nice food, lots of time to spend with DH who is still the funniest person I know, and I relish every moment we have together as I know nothing is certain. We laze around in bed, watch movies, go out somewhere. I read Mumsnet obsessively.

I guess I haven't given up all hope yet but it won't be the end of the world if we don't. That's taken years to get to mind you.

How long have you been trying? Have you talked to a GP about the depression? It can definitely be caused by infertility

*we were still not expecting, not pregnant. Obviously "we" can't get pregnant!

Just wanted to pick up on something- you aren't adopting to give YOU something- thousands of children will be damaged beyond repair the longer they wait in the care system for a placement. The good that can come from a successful placement is immeasurable. Adoption although you think will be for your benefit is absolutely vital for a child who needs a loving home

Thanks Klassy. We've been trying about 3 years, but husband has very poor motility. We tried ICSI but didn't work.

I have thought about going to GP quite often, as I really do feel like I'm struggling. But if we wanted to adopt, antidepressants don't look good! Horrible situ really.

Glad things are improving for you Klassy.

Thanks dontbesilly - and yes, of course that's one of the key reasons why we would adopt rather than keep pursuing fertility treatment.

It was just an acknowledgement really that many people say they adopt to 'save' a child whereas the truth is the children save the adults just as much. If that makes sense.

Your desire to be a mum is an absolutely essential part of wanting to adopt. A child needs someone who needs them just as much.

I love the weekends, even though I work from home so sometimes they're indistinguishable from a weekday

I relish the peace and quiet, although we have a lot of animals so we don't really get a lie in, but I read, batch cook/bake, go out for lunch or dinner, do what we want when we want to

I definitely have days like that sniffle. There is so much scope for flat, 'meh' time when going through infertility. Our social lives have dwindled from endless fertility treatment and also because our local friends all have children and we cant really take part in the things they do. Sometimes I feel horribly lonely when an empty weekend stretches out before me.

My most successful survival technique has been getting a rescue dog - she is the best thing ever and at times has been the only thing stopping me giving up on life entirely. She gives me something to fuss over and care about, companionship, love and also lots of walks, so there's always a reason to get out of the house. It's hard to be sad when you're woken up by an insistent little pointy nose nudging you under the duvet!

I also fake it till I make it a lot. Even if I feel shit I try to do something to make myself feel better. It doesn't always work - there are times that are too dark for that. We make ourselves an elaborate brunch, or go out for lunch. I give myself little house projects to obsess over - planning the garden, putting up shelves etc. I bought a sewing machine and have taught myself to make a few things. We also try and go away for weekends and holidays as much as possible, we buy theatre and gig tickets in advance so we always have little things to look forward to. It's not really enough but it keeps us going. I do lots of Yoga and I also try and swim once a week - starting my Saturday and Sunday with a class is nice - I like the feeling of being with a likeminded group of people.

Thank you Mumma - that is really nice to read and a really nice (important) way to look at it.

Tiger and Coffee you both have such good attitudes, I'd like to get to where you are. Your weekends sound lovely.

Funnily enough my husband is a musician so spends most of his Saturdays gigging himself - that would be a busman's holiday I guess! But totally get what you mean about lots of little things. Keeping busy.

Maybe I am depressed because I just don't feel the get up and go to do much. I wanted to bake something for my class before Xmas (I teach) but I'm not sure I even have the energy to do that.

We also did get a dog Tiger. We actually got a puppy because some adoption people we spoke with said it's easier if the dog has a known history, in terms of going to panel. In other circumstances I definitely would've like to get a rescue.

Maybe the difference is that I'm child free by choice, plus I'm 51 and post hysterectomy, so I've had a lot of child free time and no longings or regrets

I know I couldn't cope with the noise and chaos of children, and having to shuttle them from swimming lessons to parties etc, that's just not for me

It's difficult if that would be your ideal kind of weekend though, I appreciate that

Maybe the difference is that I'm child free by choice, plus I'm 51 and post hysterectomy, so I've had a lot of child free time and no longings or regrets

Did you miss this thread is in infertility? It's completely different if you've chosen not to have children rather than desperately wanted them but couldn't have them.

op Saturdays aren't the worst time of the week for me-we have a routine where we always go out for lunch somewhere and do the crossword. At the moment we're redecorating so there always seems something to do which helps.

Seeing all the kids come out of our local primary is when I feel sad.

I think self-care and hobbies are very important.

However, depression treatments don't automatically rule you out of all adoption agencies, are you sure they do in your area?

Could you talk to your GP anyway? You don't have to start antidepressants (they might not even think you should) but they can advise you. You need to have finished all fertility investigations and give it at least 12 months before applying anyway, I think, so in the meantime you could try a course of treatments.

It could also be proof that you've tackled it too, in case it was flagged in your application process anyway?

Sounds like you don't get much time with your husband - are you lonely a lot? That would get me down too.

Yes I did, which was why I explained and put what I did at the end of my post - my initial response was just about child free weekends

Costa - it's okay, sometimes seeing the benefits of being child free can be helpful to read too!

Purple you are right...kids en route to school has recently made me sad too!

Especially as I'm nearly 40, I now look at 10 year old kids and think their mums are most likely my age (if not younger).

Klassy maybe I should speak to someone. I'd just read that it can complicate things with a hint of depression on your file. Though it must be so common for couples with infertility to have depression...the adoption people must know that!

You're right Klassy in that I do get lonely sometimes. It's not helped by the fact that since the infertility diagnosis, my husband's libido has taken a hit (self-esteem related I guess and a lot of other complicated psychological things, as it's male factor infertility).

I turned 39 in May and we've only had sex three times since then .

It was a source of frustration, then anger, then sadness. I'm now trying just to be understanding. But it has hurt me. It feels like...okay, no kids. Now no sex life either!

He's still very affectionate and cuddles me all the time, and he tries to make me feel loved. But it is hard.

Sniffle infertility related depression is a real thing, it is a form of grief for something intangible. I would be surprised if use of antidepressants were held against any potential adopters for that reason, and it is much worse to go into adoption with any untreated MH issues. It may be that you don't need antidepressants and talking therapy such as CBT would be helpful. Please talk it through with your GP. It took me a year before I approached anyone and was told that I didn't need to have suffered for so long.

But in answer to your original post, yes I've felt 'meh' at weekends for years. My social life has suffered, the depression can't have helped, and anytime I got myself into something regular like exercise or classes, something would come up one weekend and it would ruin my routine back to square one.

Bluerises that's helpful, thank you. Maybe I will look into it. I know what you mean too about trying to start a routine for something and that can be difficult too.

To be honest sniffle, I've described me at my best there, when I'm surviving pretty well. I've had some much darker times too. I was very depressed about two years ago - hated my job, my life, everything. In the end I took on a big promotion but 100 miles from home and stayed away Mon-Thurs. It turned out to be the right thing to do - the space and the focus helped me get back on track and appreciate what I had.

It's all gone a bit to shit for us recently - I miscarried our much longed for baby (concieved on our third IVF transfer) this week and I'm still in shock - the first two scans were perfect and then at 10.5 weeks the heartbeat had just stopped. I feel like I'm watching it happen to someone else but it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks sooner or later. Not sure that any of my coping mechanisms will get me through this shitstorm.

sniffle just to say, I can totally relate to that meh feeling. I find I either fill our weekend with jobs or I watch back to back box sets and my husband ends up working. Life feels on hold - before infertility, we did a lot of running and triathlon but initially I stopped as thought it was pointless training hard for something when I might be pregnant before the event so would need to pull out (hahaha) and then I convinced myself it wasn't good as I was putting too much stress on my body.... It really is hard not to get stuck in limbo - I've drifted away from my friends who are still single and love a drink and don't fit in with those with kids.

I do find if I make a list on Friday of things I want to do and make sure I actually book in things like dinner or cinema it gets us out and about more but there are many weeks I just can't face it and it feels like holding my shit together and being positive at work is enough for one week.

If you do decide to pursue adoption, I hope it works out for you xx

tiger

Tiger I'm so sorry - you poor thing. Thanks so much for taking the time to post and try and cheer up a stranger when you're going through so much awfulness yourself this week. Please take care of yourself - and post here if you need support.