The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

We did eventually, thanks karla

Re vitamin D, it'sinvolved in balancing sex hormones I think. But as far as I know there haven't been many studies into the exact mechanisms and relation to fertility (or at least not in humans). There was a claim I think a few years ago in the paper that vitamin D supplements could 'cure' infertility but I don't think the science was especially good. Worth knowing about though as low vitamin D can make you feel a bit rubbish and is really important for bone health.

www.nhs.uk/news/2012/01January/Pages/vitamin-d-fertility.aspx

Actually that might be worth a read if you want to know a bit more. Seems that in summary vitamin D plays a physiological role in fertility but there isn't much evidence into supplementing it leading to increased fertility.

If ever there was a reason to ditch FB due to my barren status, it must be the horror that is 'the motherhood challenge' that is appearing in my newsfeed....

Motherhood Challenge I was nominated to post 3 pictures that make me happy to be a Mother I'm tagging 10 people that I think are great Mother's to post 3 pictures to the Motherhood Challenge! I will copy and paste this in the comments below for you. Here are my 3 pictures that make me happy to be a Mother!💜💛💚

Perhaps we could have a rival 'barren challenge' where we post pictures of our sports cars, bank balances, spur of the moment spa trips, immaculate houses etc.

Aaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moomin - I thought exactly the same earlier! Talk about smug. X

Smug with shit grammar.

Moomin I love your barren alternatives! my bank balance is soaring at the moment (work bonus & IVF savings but whevs), I'm going to the Maldives in 22 days and I slept in until half 10 today, had a sausage sandwich and read books and drank coffee in my sunny, beautiful living room which is full of light grey child-free furniture, with radio 4 on and there isn't a plastic shit toy in sight. Now I'm going to look at a new garden shed, get a paper and then come home do the crossword and binge watch some sopranos, and maybe buy some fun shit for myself off the internet.

glitter thanks for the info.

icy you sound like you have had my perfect day and reminded me why having kids isn't so bad after all.
Just been photo bombed by a friend with her 20 week scan photo..whilst I was sat filling in IVF paperwork. How ironic.
But I shall not think about that! Instead I will carry on with my attempt at baking, indulge in a huge pile of magazines and eat cream eggs whilst hubby is at he football..

I had the same thoughts Moomin when it started filling up my newsfeed. Wankers, the lot of them!

Ahh icy that is awesome, I hope you're excited - the Maldives are amazing, I want to go back! Enjoy yourself

Can I hide? I'm dreading next week at work - we have a conference (which I have been organising) and now I am bricking it! I have my scan on monday and should start injecting on Wednesday night. I really, really need a drink after the last couple of weeks! (Also, free booze next week which I can't partake in!) I'm not a raging alcoholic I promise!

Smug wankers indeed Icy, Sammy and Meh. As if people like that need more encouragement to post pictures of their kids - it's like some sick joke! Knobheads. Icy
your day sounds barrentastic as does a trip to the Maldives - only 21 days now

Sad morning for me. 2 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.

Next week is my MA graduation ceremony. I was pregnant throughout the first year of the course, so all my fellow students saw me get bigger & bigger, felt my belly when she kicked, etc. I told them when she died, and have seen 1 or 2 of them since but haven't come into uni much (research year).

Since then 2 other women from my course have had babies, and they will be bringing them to graduation. So everyone will be there cooing over their little bundles. And as usual, nobody will know what to say to me, so nobody will say anything, and I'll have to spend the whole evening colluding in the pretence that I was never pregnant so that other people don't feel too uncomfortable.

So, fuck that, I'm not going. They can send me my diploma in the post.

It just fucks me off that I pulled out all the stops to finish my dissertation in the horrible first months after my daughter's death & got a distinction ffs & I can't be celebrated for that without having to pretend a massive part of my life didn't happen.

Moomin that sort of status is why I'm not on FB anymore. Makes me want to break things & be sick in my mouth at the same time.

Maldives sound lovely, Icy! Sun and sea.... sounds so nice right now.

Good luck with jabs & conference, Meh Can you take a little medicinal dose of free booze?

Glitter hope you're having a nice weekend away.

I'm so sorry bip - that sounds unbelievably difficult. It's a fucking joke how much of it is still hush-hush.

I really admire you for managing to finish your masters (and despite everything everything going on today still being able to come on here and wish me a good weekend away!). I'll be thinking of you and your family today, I hope it's as peaceful as it can be for you.

When is the graduation? Pretty sure you can celebrate on here, I'd be up for a glass of bubbles in your honour!

bip I'm laying in bed with a cold feeling sorry for myself. I read your post and realised nothing can feel as shit as what you have been through and still managed to graduate. Congratulations on your Masters! You should be able to go and receive your diploma with happiness and with pride. It's probably not those womens fault that they are thoughtless and ignorant, they just don't know any different because they are wrapped up in their own lives. Anyway, I'll be cheers-ing to you with glitter

Bip - congratulations on your distinction. That's a huge achievement by itself, let alone in light of everything you have gone through. I'm truly in awe of you! I'm sorry your course mates are completely shit and I'm so sorry your little girl isn't there celebrating her mummy's special day. You should never have to silence a part of your life to keep other people comfortable, and if they can't see that and offer even the slightest bit of recognition, then fuck the fucking lot of them.

Icy your plans sound amazing! I'm unbelievably jealous! The Maldives are on my travel list for when our treatment inevitably fails and we take a six month career break. Can't beat forward planning.

Glitter hope you're having a lovely weekend!

Moomin- I deleted my Facebook a few weeks ago, but stupidly clicked on the thread about it on here and now I'm ITCHING at some of the comments.

Aw, thanks, peeps. Thanks for the virtual cheers. And cheers to you lot for being so lovely.

There's one amazing woman from my course who also had a stillborn daughter 10 years back. She has been wonderful & brilliantly supportive & a total life-saver. So they're not all shite. But most of them are. Particularly the one who never sent any condolences, but asked me for fertility advice a month after I'd lost my dd. I was still bleeding ffs. Obvs she instadiffed & is bringing her 6-month-old to graduation.

Karla I hope your cold clears up, or at least you have some powerful meds. Tripping on potent decongestants is the silver lining of flu season for me.

Bip- just wanted to say congratulations for your distinction and sorry for the graduation situation, I can see it would be so tough to go. You really are an inspiration, you're an amazingly strong woman and have accomplished so much.

Love everyone's barrentastic days! Also jealous re Maldives Icy, you'll have a lovely time! I'm also having a barrentastic day of Netflix and coffee, planning Easter holiday and baking :)

Oh and good luck for the conference Meh- I'm sure you'll be great!!

Wow Bip amazing achievement congratulations! What a very proud day and so sorry it's tinged with sadness for you. It's not fair.

Hope you feel better Karla that blood cold has been lingering on for ages!

Loving the barrentastic days, they all sound fab! I've been horseriding this morning then out for Sunday dinner later. Just got to fit in visiting my dad somewhere!

I dream of holidays daily but daren't put any cash aside to actually book them in case we need it for treatment argh! I need to stop waiting and start living....

laura and bip thanks for the get well wish.
I am sure I will survive , got beechams, chocolate, magazines and p-j's. My OH is downstairs doing the chores so can't be bad.
Today I am thankful that I only have myself to worry about.. Isn't that selfish of me!
icy can we all hide in your suitcase? Like the idea of barrens holiday! A trip to the Maldives sounds amazing. You are so right to be trying to do things that make life continue on for a while. Enjoy every moment and leave the shitness behind for a bit!

Hi ladies, I'm still lurking, hope that's ok. Sorry to hear so many of you having a shitty, shitty week. This thread has been a godsend for me in my whingiest moments. So nice to have somewhere to come where ppl will understand.

bip you are one amazing lady. You have the most incredible capacity to give time and empathy to others while what you are dealing with is unimaginably horrible. Plus you now reveal you're super smart as well. It just reinforces my belief that women make the world go round. What we go through and still keep going is huge. I hope today hasn't been too awful. I'm sure it's just a horrid day. I hope you and you lovely sounding DH have been able to be together.

I love the "post three things that make you an amazing barren" idea. I mean, who thought up the motherhood one? Might as well call it "any excuse to post three more pictures of your kids, not sure I've seen them enough this week, thanks".

icy you are right to revel in the joys of barrenness. Some of my friends haven't been abroad in five years. At least I've travelled the world (although it means any potential kids are paying their own way through uni ;-)

Seems like there's loads going on with people taking drugs, prepping for drugs, getting schedules etc.... For all those with treatment starting or underway, best of luck. Oh and for anyone foregoing alcohol - best of luck with that too!

I'm in limbo. Got an early scan booked. Feels like the pg test all over again. I've pretty much convinced myself the embie won't make it that far so as not to get my hopes up. No point in taking more tests as hcg hangs around in the system for a while even if embie dies. So no way of knowing. Just keeping fingers crossed and distracting myself with work.

Just browsing the AIBU board while waiting for dh to get out the shower and noticed one titled 'AIBU to hate the motherhood challenge posts' (or words to that effect. I've read through it and it's made me sooo mad. I agree with the op who actually refers to how much it might hurt the infertiles (!) but others have commented on it saying things like ' people are taking this too seriously' and ' so can I not mention my mum on fbook in case other people's mums have died?'
Gah!!!! Xx

Hate the stupid Motherhood challenge my aunt was nominated for it and instead of nominating other mums she nominated uncles aunties fur mums which I thought was a sort of dig at the whole thing got someone on mine who hasn't even had a baby yet was nominated and posted 3 scan photos . Just catching up on this thread as having a month where I don't even want to think about any of it at all grandmother has been in hospital for 12 weeks so that's been taking up a lot of my time . Hope everyone else is ok ?

Thanks kiwi and bip! bip you are an amazing woman, I am sorry your little girl isn't with you but you deserve to be at that graduation more than anyone else...think of it as a big fuck you to the rest of them. As others have said, you should never have to hide your experiences because it makes other people uncomfortable. I've had that too and it's frustrating.

Re the boozing - does it affect the fertility stuff? I had it in my head that I wouldn't drink and it's a bit shit really! I thought it was a good thing to do...heh!

Meh I've always been of the view that a bit of what you fancy does you good. As long as you're generally healthy I should think the difference between 2 glasses of wine a week and no glasses of wine is pretty negligible, fertility-wise. All depends what you're comfortable with. I reckon a lot of general public health stuff gets smuggled out under the guise of 'fertility advice' & the conscientious among us end up terrified & living on wheatgrass shots, while crackhead alcoholics go on obliviously breeding like locusts.

I remember reading in some fertility book (TCOYF maybe?) about the importance of exercise, and feeling horribly guilty for not spending enough time at the gym - until I came to a bit that suggested starting by going for a gentle walk for 10 minutes a day and gradually (steady now) working up to half an hour. And then I realised that much of the advice is probably aimed at fat Americans people whose health habits already need a pretty radical overhaul.

Sammy AIBU gives me the rage, you've always got people on there shouting about, 'so am I not allowed to X then in case someone gets upset?'. You're allowed to do what the fuck you want! But if you're a smug thoughtless dick about it, then people are going to bitch about what a smug thoughtless dick, and unfriend you. You don't get to be a smug thoughtless dick with no consequences, you dick! GOD people are stupid.

Chocolate So sorry to hear about your grandmother, and I hope you're hanging in there.

Potatoes Ugh, the wait for the early scan is excruciating. I'm thinking of you! How are you feeling?

How's this for a barrentastic Monday - with an added frisson of freelancer freedom - lunch with friend, then spa afternoon with another friend, followed by dinner & drinks & fertile week shag (with an edge of pre-IVF desperation). Woo hoo.

My manager (who is well aware of my situation) is having a conversation with 2 others about pregnancy, labour and how she is so thankful that she 'never has to go through that again' - seriously. What is wrong with people? Why doesn't she see that this might be like stabbing me in the heart? X

I'm so fed up with feeling like this.
I'm boring myself.
Sorry everyone.

No need to apologise, sammy, least of all when you are on this thread. One of the bad things about this whole journey is how few people really, truly understand what it's like, or even consider your feelings, even when they know about your problems. (for example that AIBU thread which is full of people completely misunderstanding why people who have lost children or are suffering from infertility would be upset by the stupid facebook thing. In fact, the worst part is how many people are saying 'we struggled to conceive and I don't see why other people could be upset'. I've made a firm promise to myself that if we are ever lucky enough to have a child then I will never, ever forget what it feels like not be able to).