The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

I think I'm a magnet.

Out for dinner tonight with friends. PG (with her first) lady says 'there won't be a very big gap between our children'

I just bit my tongue and slurped my very alcoholic cocktail while wanting to scream 'have you heard of secondary infertility??!!!' Xx

This is what I mean, it's everywhere I go. This is why I just want to curl up and hide away and nit see anyone.

This is maybe the cocktails talking a little bit....

Well there was cheese, and wine, and chocolate, and rum. Fortunately today there is peace and quiet! And decisions to make. Also been over to join the berries. That may be the most productive I get!

sammy that sounds like seriously sucky dinner conversation. Time to find new friend? (or have virtual dinner with us) . Hope you feel ok today.

Can I start by saying you're all fucking BRILLIANT.

Sorry to hear of all the struggles everyone is going through. I've read this entire thread through since yesterday and have LOLd so many times. I had to pretend in front of family yesterday that I was just reading a book, shaking with laughter. I can relate to so much of this but really appreciate your humour with it all!

I recognise some of your names as I was on here a few months ago but then took a bit of a break from it. Back again as needed something while I wait for our referral. We've been TTC for 2.5 years but due to moving twice (to a shitty region that makes you wait 3 years for treatment and then back again) we are back at step one of being referred and now have all that ahead of us and no doubt have to have all the tests again, which is pretty depressing.

So many amazing things on this thread but what sticks with me right now is the image of a unicorn with sparkly dog shit on its horn. I could so use one of them to go around stabbing everyone who baby bombs (my best was a couple who were snogging holding a pumpkin with a glowing candle inside, caption 'our pumpkin due October'- instant unfriendly) and people who aren't TTC but say 'oh I can't make that trip in a year's time, I will have a baby then'.

Hope you all are doing OK today.

Hi kiwi! That baby bomb; I don't know which made me throw up in my mouth more - the snogging or the fiery pumpkin! People are such smug wankers!

Potatoes, that sounds like my perfect menu! Hope you're having some R&R today.

Sammy - serious congratulations on not stabbing her in the hand with your fork. Honestly.

Our next door neighbours brought home their very screamy new born last week which we can hear through our bedroom wall so we're getting all of the sleepless nights too. ARENT WE LUCKY! saw them on the drive this morning, and she trots out with "oooh better get a move on you two, - insert baby name- is already asking for a little neighbour to play with!"

Oh do fuck off you smug bitch.

Kiwi Hello! People who post pictures of themselves snogging, whatever the occasion, should not be allowed to reproduce.

Potatoes hope you have had a snoozy day today and aren't too hungover after wine and rum and cheese-fest. Been thinking of you loads.

Biscuits your neighbours sound awful. Time to start a campaign of vexatious noise complaints I think.

Our neighbours' scumbag son had his kids taken into care last year, so he's gone and spawned another one. He turned up with the new baby just before Christmas. We thought we'd have to spend the holiday tormented by newborn crying, but we couldn't even hear the baby over the adults' imbecilic bellowing. Have any of you seen the film ? This is basically what's going on next door to me - evolution's going backwards.

Sammy I know what you mean about wanting to hide away. I was telling a friend over email that I live in constant fear of running into the mums from my antenatal class & their happy healthy toddlers. Her reply: 'I can see how this might make you sad, but it's not their fault.' Of course it's not their fault - but clearly my friend thinks I'm some type of idiot who doesn't understand causation. She actually finished the email with, 'Chin up.'

Chin up, FFS. I'm trying to come up with some equally patronising phrases I can wheel out next time she rings me needing a shoulder to cry on. Currently favouring 'calm down, dear' or 'damnit, woman, you're hysterical!'

Bip - your friend sounds like she has no empathy skills at all! Chin up????? Seriously. I know people don't know what to say, but surely she could have come up with something better than that?

Biscuits - thanks, I think it showed considerable will power! She did deserve a stabbing tbh. And gahhhhh to your neighbour. Are you even friends, or just neighbours? People have to stop asking this kind of question, it's so personal!!!

Hi Kiwi - and welcome! The pumpkin baby bomb sounds horrific. I think I would have de friended too. Someone announced it on fbook on holiday recently by writing 'mummy and daddy to be' in the sand! Bligh!

Potatoes - us lot and dinners sounds perfect! I'm ok today, bit of a fuzzy head but not as bad as I should be! Thanks for asking. Xx

Hello everyone - thanks for the welcome over the weekend, was in the middle of nowhere on a big group trip with no chance of internet connection!

Was a double edged sword really, nice to do something normal and not think about it but at the same time had a few random moments of bursting into tears as it sort of highlighted the fact that I don't feel normal atm - difficult to get into the student drinking games spirit (especially as I also had a few group mum/you're going to be so good at being a mum type comments when I was being Florence Nightingale for the hungover)! DH was there though, and another friend who knows the back story who were very good at ushering me off to one of the quieter rooms with a hug and a glass of wine if I looked slightly upset at any point!

On the subject of pumpkins I had one on my fb around halloween time with a couple dressed as mummies with a sign saying mummy and another saying daddy (get it )...didn't even know the extent of my own issue then but still...how twee can you get?!

I've missed lots!!
I am really sorry to see the result potatoes there is no words. Can only offer you my apologies at this shitty time. I hope you and your DH have time to think and get your head around what's next.
Bip your friend sounds a real delight!
Next time she calls you answer by saying "what is it now?!" Bitch!!
biscuits sorry for the smug neighbour. Next time you see her comment on how awful she looks through lack of sleep.
Why can't people keep comments to them selves and not post annoying baby bombs
I've just calmed down from a melt down. Been feeling wobbly all day and could have done without having dinner at the in laws today. Was made worse by a cousin arriving with her new born. She's such a smug cow, asking in front of all the family when I am going to get pregnant. Then continuing to make smug comments to me all evening. Then my MIL who knows our situation shoves the child into my arms. Took all my strength not to have a melt down till we got home. Feel like a total waste of space now and can't bare to face them for a while.
Hope someone gets some good news soon.
Lots of love to all of you! Xxx

Bip, biscuits and Pebbles- annoying friend, neighbour and family! I can't believe the things people come out with. I think you all have mighty self restraint.

Potatoes I'm thinking of you, I hope you're looking after yourself and being looked after too.

Glitter that sounds tough but great you had DH and a supportive friend to help you through it.

I'm glad you all think the pumpkin couple are smug wankers. I'm ashamed to say at the time I wailed, in front of DH (in bed actually) like a total loon. That's the kind of thing I can't tell people in real life. Now I hope I would just think 'fucktards'.

Bip- chin up?! Chin fucking up?!! Is she for fucking real the mindless twat! I'm seething with rage for you!

Actually I'm annoyed for all of us, what the fuck is up with people being arseholes this weekend?! wine all round for you lovely brave ladies. Fuck the world. In the arse. Fuck it all.

Bip, your friend sounds like a dick. I know how you feel. My best friend made similarly twattish comments over email. She actually said to me that she envies my life/freedom to do what I want and added "I know you're desperate for a child...but really try to enjoy your freedom whilst you can...I'm just offering a different perspective." That brought tears to my eyes (I was in work at the time) because I couldn't believe what she said - she knows our history and what is happening! I wrote this long email and deleted it (I should have sent it!) In the end I told her all of this is shit and there is no freedom. I added that she should never, ever say that to someone who is struggling to have a child.

She apologised but added she just meant I would have a child - either through biology or adoption. Even that pissed me off - she has no idea.

Other friends have said to me how this (ivf) is easier than trying naturally. I nearly smacked get with my mug!

People suck.

Meh - IVF is easier than trying naturally??!
A) have they tried injecting themselves every day, taking pills, spending thousands only to get a bfn?
B) what does she think you were doing before you were referred for IVF?

Idiot. Xx

Ladies I need your advice/ calming down from my hysteria. Received a letter asking me to book a Fallopian tube scan but to wait for the first day of my cycle so they can schedule it. The problem is, that I'm on day 56 of HIGHLY irregular cycles so it's not looking likely any time soon. Is there anything I can do/take/ingest to get things moving along? I

Pebbles - 'What is it now?!' is how I'm going to answer the phone to everyone from now on.

Laughed out loud at (b) there, Sammy.

Glitter I really feel for you having to deal with all this heavy stuff at a point in your life where you might otherwise be joining in the student drinking games with giddy abandon. Glad you've got some people around you who get it & a lovely DH.

Jesus, Meh. It is never, ever a good idea to do 'offer a different perspective'. That should really be the first lesson in being a human being. It's like saying to the homeless man in a shop doorway: 'You think your life is hard? Try being tied down to a mortgage!'

It's really not hard to say 'that sounds shit, I'm gutted for you,' rather than 'you're looking at this wrong' / 'what you feel is wrong' / 'you're doing things wrong'. It is breathtaking how hurtful a glib comment can be. Fuckers.

Biscuits ask GP if you can get put on progesterone for a week or so - when you stop taking it it should bring on bleeding. Birth control pills can have a similar effect but I don't know how long you'd have to take them for. If you explain why you need it they should prescribe. Good luck!

Bip - you're a star! Thank you! I'll call them on my lunch break

Indeed sammylou I think I did say to her something along the lines of "you do realise I have to inject/take so many drugs and be put under sedation etc.?!" Tbh, this same girl thought ivf still included having sex so there's not much to say to that! I also pointed out that I'd done the pissing on sticks and got fuck all for it! She has had her first baby already.

Bip, they ARE fuckers! The episode with my best friend has made me not want to talk to her about this stuff with her. It's easier as she lives overseas so we mostly talk over email, I've just been hiding behind work now as I never initiate contact. My dumb SIL told me to be positive. I wanted to tell her to fuck off with her positivity too - this is the woman that struggled to have her first as well. Thankfully, my husband's SIL has been great, just listens to me rant and even acknowledged how this can be all consuming.

I am living up to my name today, totally mehhh and pissed off. Had a friend from law school send me a pm on fb with a photo of her newborn. She doesn't know about the ivf drama so wasn't insensitive. Just makes me remember how fucking shit this whole situation is. AF/withdrawal bleed started today and have just eaten a cookie because I've been running around London for nothing. Now I get to go to the office (outside of London, close to where I live) and work.

I want to go back to bed [\rant over]

Hi Ladies, thanks so much for this thread, have spent my time going 'yes! Yes! that's how I feel too!' whilst reading it. Me and DH have been trying for nearly four years now. I'm 40 now so no NHS assistance (as an appeasement they've given me lose dose clomid for 3 months but since my problem isn't ovulation - we're 'unexplained' - it's really just a shot in the dark) and we can't afford private so that's that really. This thread has really kept me sane during the last few days when i've been revising for an exam which forces me to look at pictures of babies, and learn information about babies and other shit which I am just not in the mood for. Oh, and AF just turned up so that's one month of clomid wasted.

I had to laugh at the consultant (who looked about 18 to me!) warning me that one of the dangers of clomid was multiple births. I said 'that's a bit like telling someone the danger of winning the lottery is that you win 2 million instead of just one' but she didn't laugh.

Welcome Tammy, sorry you've found yourself here but hoping we can help support you in the meantime...

I aced the passive-aggressive stance on Saturday - went to have a catch up with friends (and all their various offspring) ready to have to say 'I know you care but please don't ask about how the IVF went when we get back' only for NO FUCKER to even ask! Grrrrrr! So they wanted a group photo of all their kids on the sofa and I deliberately stayed out then the host's dog wandered in so made a massive fuss and started to take pics of him instead. Ha. That'll show them! (Like they even noticed in between the cooing).

Have booked hotel for Czech Rep and will book flights in next couple of days, it's all go now!

Hope everyone else is ok.....

Hi all. laura I'm impressed how fast things are moving with your Czech clinic. Fantastic! Good to see you again meh. That perception of ivf as some easy option is scarily common. Good for you for putting them right. biscuits good luck getting your cycle under control. That sounds dreadful. Impossible to time or plan anything! bip you're right about people who can't just empathise. I do think ten years ago I would have been the same with bereavement, infertility, or any sadness - trying to cheer ppl up not just listening. I think empathy comes naturally for some ppl but for others maybe it is something you can learn (I certainly learnt it, doesn't come naturally).

hello everyone else I've forgotten to mention!

So - weird news here. After Sturday's bfn and Sat/Sun's food and alcohol blowout, like an obsessed idiot I continued taking pg tests. And got a BFP on Monday. Two in fact. And again today. Could not be more surprised. The clinic were totally sceptical. Had I taken the test on the wrong day? Was there pain? (Could be ectopic). Was there blood? (could be chemical). Then they said well.... Test again on Friday.

So.... I'm waiting to test again in a few days. No idea what is going on. Have I had a weird chemical pg that's shown up late? Or am I pg and the result took longer to show? No idea. Obviously work is fine, really easy to concentrate with this going on!

Potatoes! - eeek I am keeping everything crossed for you! I'm sure work will be a piece of cake (!) xx