It's all over

[bouncingbelle]

Been refused ivf on health grounds. I don't ovulate naturally (tho managed once on clomid but miscarried). It's the end for us. I want my partner to leave me so he still has a chance of meeting someone and having a family. I,ve spent the last two days in bed crying and can't see a way forward.

I don't even know why I'm posting, I'm just bringing you all diwn. I'm sorry. I just can't imagine a future any more.

Oh you poor thing, what a horrible situation to find yourself in. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you. What's your partners reaction? I absolutely thing that being in bed is the right thing if that's what you want but please take up any offers of real life help too, people can come and see you where you are. Take care

How severe is your Heart Failure? HF is very life-threatening.

Don't beat yourself up about staying in bed! Just don't. I lost a child to cancer, believe me, there's a lot of staying in bed when it comes to bereavement. And this is.

My mate I wish I could help, they lost their son, too, to cancer. And have not been able to have another. She is in her 40s, too, with health conditions.

It's a hard road.

If I were younger, I'd have loved to help! But I cannot even carry for horrible, Grade 4 piles and prolapse.

(((()))))

Hi, how are you this morning? I hope today is just a bit less awful than yesterday for you. Maybe try getting up for a short while, just to have a hot shower and a cuppa? x

Xxx

Hi bouncing. Of course you can lie in bed and do nothing. This is your way of dealing with the news at the moment. It doesn't mean though that mentally in a few days times you won't turn a corner.

I don't know how close you are to your sis, but maybe just text her to start off? Tell her you are struggling to cope with face to face life at the moment. i'm sure once you text each other a few times, the thought of chatting on the phone will become easier. No matter how supportive MN can be, it's no substitute for RL consolation.

About your DP. You are being very noble telling him to go to be with someone else, but maybe just worry about yourself right now? I'm sure as the months pass he will work out the best future for himself. I don't think you'll ever want to look back and think you 'pushed' him away. I hope that isn't coming out wrong.

I don't know enough about your condition or the options, but you do have have a future. Could you have the surgery and then once you have better health go on to adopt or even foster? I don't know the guidelines, and I'm sure you are looking at all possibilities.

Take care of yourself x

Pin me down as insensitive, I don't really care.

It's really important with heart failure that you get up and about as soon as much as possible with light intermittent activity. You've had your 2 days in bed & there will be more, but with heart failure you MUST get up and about to slow progression of the illness. It's a circulation problem. Please don't be more sedentary than you need to be.

Thanks expat for putting things in perspective for me - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your child.

I got up and actually went out today! admittedly to the gp (where I cried) and my reflexologist (that I used to use for help for fertility) where I cried but at least I got out and felt slightly better for it.

I just need to accept that the hope is all gone and that this is my new normal, I don't think we,d be eligible to adopt due to my heart condition but maybe we could foster,p. why have one child when I could have loads??? ;) but I'm not anywhere emotionally ready to investigate that yet.

My heart failure is as a result of a genetic condition, I,ve had it so long but never ever thought this would be the result, it's like coming to terms with a double whammy at the same time.

My heart goes out to you. You sound like a wonderful, kind and thoughtful person - however, if you can, now might be the time to give yourself a break and think of yourself, not just your partner. You're in this together and I hope he's there for you as much as you are for him. Stay in bed and cry if it feels right (even in a wrong way if that makes sense!) - you're grieving and may need to give yourself time to do that before you can move forward. If you're like me, you're always trying to find solutions to make things better - sometimes, you just need to give yourself up to the (cliched) healing nature of time, which is bloody hard! But in time, I'm sure you'll be able to move on - in whichever way is right for you. Enormous online hugs.

Hang in there, bouncing. Be kind to yourself.

I'm in bed by 8.30 and just had a tub of ice cream for dinner, I'm getting quite into this self pity thing! (Tbh I have terrible back pain just now and can't do much else).

You are right Buffy, I'm always looking for 'plan b' and having something else to be working on and this time there IS no plan b, and for me that's very hard.

Dp has went out to the pub tonight, he's been great but I feel he needs a night off from it all and to off load a bit, so I'm not bothered by it. He's just texted to say he'll be home soon.

Spoke to a good friend on the phone tonight too, she really made me laugh and cheered me up for a bit. IS there Life withiut a child?

You sound like you are doing a bit better.
Good that you got out.
Yes, there is absolutely life without children. Our best friends tried to have kids for over 10 years. They couldn't bring themselves to go down the ivf route, then they hit their mid forties and they have a very nice life now. They also have lots of friends with children and nieces and nephews. I would never say that comes close to having your own, but they say they have children in their lives that they can still love and buy presents for and have around them at special times in their lives. But they also have the fabulous life with just each other doing what they want on a whim and eating out A LOT!
Hang in there. x

I've been without Internet for a while hence disappearing off the thread but wanted to come back to say thank you for all the support. The tears still come but only every other day now, so a slight improvement,

I've realised I need to get my own health stabilised before we could perhaps think about surrogacy or adoption (if I get myself well). I was keen on fostering but there's so much loss and goodbyes involved in it I think it would finish me off!!! I'm just waiting on an appointment with my (health, not fertility) specialist coming through.

Two RL friends, who randomly I'm not that close to but both work in caring professions, picked up that something was wrong and have been very supportive.

So things are moving on, every day is still hard but maybe in 6 months time there may be other options open to us. I just can't quite get rid of the last of the hope!!