Every day gets harder

[Catlover2014]

Hi ladies,

I've posted on the mc threads a few times but I'm not on here very often. Usually in the mc thread.

Me and DH are both 34 and have been trying for baby #1 for over five years. I've had two mcs following successfully fertility treatment this year and I'm just crumbling apart now.

I've tried all I can to accept that I can't be a mum but it's impossible for me to fathom. It's something I wanted so so bad and now morbid thoughts occupy my brain for much of my waking day. What else can I do with my life now?

How do you come to terms with "the cards you've been dealt"? I can barely find the strength to get out of bed every day let alone be positive about my chances of having a good life.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but it's how I feel and I need to get it off my chest. I daren't tell my GP for fear it will go on medical record and jeopardise adoption chances for the future. Feel so lonely :(

XX

cat

I'm not sure what to say to help but just wanted to reply to you.

I think you should go to your GP, it sounds like you might need some support, I would be very surprised if someone who has been through what you have been through didn't feel the same way as you do.

I don't have any experience of what you are going through but it sounds awful.

Oh love - you sound so sad, what a horrible situation. Im not going to pretend I know what youre going through as I am so fortunate to have one dc but a couple of years ago I TFMR and have had fertility problems since then, and some of the feelings you describe sound familiar, the sadness, longing and guilt, the dread of each new pregnancy/ birth announcement. have you been offered any counselling? Are adoption boards really so harsh that they wont allow someone such as yourself to be overwhelmed by grief and need help? I think your perserverance shows a great strength of character, there is no shame in needing help and i think the majority of people in your situation would be finding life extremely hard. As a side note are you on fertility friend? I think its better than this site for finding someone else to talk to in a very similar situation.

Hi Catlover!

Sorry to hear how down you are I haven't any words of advice I'm afraid, struggling myself although have never experienced the heartbreak of MCs. Accepting the prospect of never 'naturally' having children is a huge, overwhelming concept for most people, I think. My head is firmly buried in the sand but you are facing up to it and all of the potential consequences which can only be a good thing for coping with it properly.

If you are seriously considering adoption though, are there some steps you can take to progress that? I find lack of progress one of the hardest things to deal with, so even tiny steps forward might be helpful to feel like you are on a new path, rather than reached a dead end.

adoption boards have all sorts of odd rules. life is bloody unfair op and rather than trying to accept not being a mother maybe it would be better to start by accepting that you are grieving, totally normal reaction I imagine and it will be a long process to learn to live with it.

Thank you all for your lovely responses and support.

Last night was a low point but I'll pull myself up and fight again. My husband has booked me to see a counsellor next week and I see my GP Friday. Hopefully I can get some help!

Wishing all you ladies who are ttc good fortune and stick beans v soon.

Xx

I was on your other thread, Cat.

Gp and counselling is a very good step.

My counsellor was 100% amazing and she pretty much carried me through some awful fertility related anxiety and depression.

X for you

There will be people on the adoption boards here who've been through what you are going through, and who now have a family with adopted children. Perhaps ask for people to PM you with experiences if you don't want to start a discussion?

Try to look at it differently also - perhaps the child(ren) you were destined to have was never supposed to be yours biologically? Sometimes one door closes and another opens. You could give a child the chance of a good family life, of love, guidance and security. That is an amazing gift to be able to give, far more than most of us will every be able to say we've done for another human being.

Much love and sympathy.

I am in the incredibly fortunate position of having two children, but I have also had six miscarriages, thus far without, despite investigations and various indications, definitely pinpointed cause. I am coming to terms with probably not having the third child I very much wanted and dh and I have begun to think around fostering.

I bought myself this book, although I know it is not directly relevant to my position - gateway-women.com/book/ - and it's very thorough, taking account of all sorts of situations, and while its thrust is upbeat it doesn't shy away from the pain and grief. It's perhaps most relevant to those who have made the decision to not try any more, but also to those who are still hoping. If you PM me your address I will be happy to send you my copy.

Hello, Catlover. I'm also lucky enough to have a beautiful ds, but have not been able to give him the sibling that we all want so much and this has been a great sadness. We have also had the grief of miscarriages to deal with - it's so cruel when all you want is a baby and you have the joy and excitement snatched away from you.
I went through a really bad patch last year, when I turned 40, because all the stats say that conceiving after 40 gets harder and I'd resigned myself to the fact that if it hadn't happened by the time I was 40, it probably wasn't going to happen. DS is now 6 1/2 and asks for a little sibling on a regular basis.
I can only say what helped me - and hope that it helps you at this miserable time. I reminded myself of the things I enjoyed doing before the need for a child consumed my every thought - for me, it was indulging my creativity and I made myself get out there and play more music, learn upholstery and write, write, write.
I also had acupuncture - for fertility reasons in fact, but the unexpected side-effect for me was that I felt as if I had been driving through a tunnel and suddenly driven out into the sunshine. Although I still didn't have a baby (it did help me conceive, I think, but that was when I had my spate of miscarriages) - I felt better able to cope with it.
Sending you all good wishes. xxx

Seeing your GP and a counsellor really is the best step when you're feeling like this.

Forgetting about adoption for a minute, it's most important for you. You need and deserve access to help with what you're going through. Concentrate on your own health first and foremost.

But I wanted to reassure you that seeing your GP and counselling will not jeapordise your chances of adopting. Never put off seeking help because you're worried about what social services will think. In actual fact, they understand how common depression is, and how common it is to need to see counsellors, when you have been going through fertility treatment. They see it as a positive thing to seek help with this - it would be more worrying for them if you had refused to see your GP when you were having difficulties, because they need to know that you can manage your health after adoption, and that you will seek help then if you need it.

We have or have had people on the adoption boards who have suffered depression and anxiety (and anorexia, drug issues and so on and on). In fact, I think it would probably be easier and shorter to list those of us who haven't had depression, than to list those of us who have!

I wish you all the best, and I really hope you find your GP and the counsellor helpful x

Thank you all for your kind wishes. Infertility has turned my life upside down and the thought of moving onto a life without my own children breaks my heart into pieces. I hope in time the pain can go away but in reality I know it won't.

Hugs and love to all of you who have also wanted a child (be it #1, 2 or 3) it's so tough.

X

Hi Cat

We too started TTC at 30 and progressed to fertility treatment, the first cycle ending in a MC. It was so hard to carry on after this.

Are you having any more treatment? x

Oh Cat. I wish we were closer. I feel we'd get on. If we were, we could meet for drinks and put the world to rights. Hope you feel better today.

I thought I was doing better then DH started to talk about when to get rid of the baby stuff. Hey, it's been 4 weeks now, time to move on apparently .

I know how you feel, sometimes I think it would be great to end this life and start again in another. I would never ever do anything about it but at low times it does pop into my head.
I have seen a counsellor in the past and wouldn't give them permission to tell my GP as I know it will go on my record and if I do go on to adopt I don't want depression on my medical records.
It's not fair that I can't get anti depressants because of this but I work within the "system" and I know they request medical records and judge you on it.
I only suffer from mild depression and can manage it but if your seriously struggling then you have to get yourself help.
I cope by planning ahead to stop me from dwelling :) One more IVF and then it's adoption for me :)
Good luck x

CanIsay, yes I think we will try again and who knows maybe we'll be lucky. Adoption is totally an option for us but I have to get myself to a place where I'm ok with that.

Sorry to hear you had a mc :( what treatment did you have and what are you having now? It's gotta be worth fighting for?!

Resipsa, we would sooo get on! I'm so glad that mumsnet has put me in touch with lovely people like you!! One day we will all meet up with our babies and laugh about this harder time.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Don't remove the baby things until you are really ready. Maybe just put them away for now and you can get them out when better times come along?!

Suzy, today is a much better day and I feel brighter. Most days it's only mild depression but there are darker and harder times. How long have you been ttc? Feel free to PM me anytime and we can chat.

Thank you all for being here at difficult times. There are so many kind people on here. Makes me proud of the sisterhood!

XXX

I feel your pain and those same thoughts are going through my head today. What is the point of it all without a family. I am so ready to start the adoption process but my dh isn't yet. I have the extra guilt of having a termination many years ago and my infertility now just feels like punishment for that. I miscarried a year ago and can't believe I still don't have a child (been trying 5 years). I,ve looked at the gateway women website and some days I feel like I WILL survive this and WILL thrive in this new, unexpected, role in my life but other times it's just so hard to see the point.

Sorry, this was meant to be sympathetic and instead has just turned into a moan. But what I meant to say is, you,re not alone x

One phrase that keeps me going is "it's not about the cards you were dealt, it's about how you play the hand". Let's be absolute hustlers and win some way or other

I had three IUIs. The first one ended in an MC as I mentioned. The second was a BFN and the third was a BFP. The BFP resulted in my DS who is now four months old.

I'm 35 and had never seen a BFP before treatment despite a number of years of NTNP and then some hardcore TTC with OPKs, temperature charts, timed intercourse... All that romantic stuff!

I honestly thought it would never happen for us and at times felt desperately sad. But it did. And it could for you too. If you feel you have the strength to keep going, do. You never know if your next cycle might be the one x

Bouncing, that's a great saying! I'm sorry you're having a hard time too :( I really don't think you're being punished but I can see where those thoughts come from. I have similar around my behavour in the past like how I had an STI once and how I didn't wait for true love - not helped by the fact DH is a good catholic boy and waited for me. Please PM me so we can chat. It sounds like we have a lot in common!!!

CanIsay, it's good to hear a positive outcome although I am sad for the hard times you went through. Congrats on your lovely baby :)

I've had such a weird day and totally didn't handle certain things well. At 34 I thought I was through with childish mistakes but it turns out I can still make them haha!

Hugs to all xxx

I have a very similar background and we're just waiting for placement of our second child through adoption. We decided to give ourselves a time limit and if we were no further forward at that time, to close the door on pregnancy and go full on for adoption. We were actually impatient to start adoption before that time but I think knowing there was a time limit helped us too.

I'm happy to PM you too.

Thanks for sharing :)

A PM would be great if you have some spare time. I could use an ear and I have lots of questions about adoption etc.

Thank you xx

Will PM you both cat lover and dr spouse if that ok!

I'm sorry.
Didn't want your op to go unanswered.
Could you access private counselling?
Then it wouldn't be on your medical records?
I don't think your understandable depression about your losses would be used against you tbh.
X

Oh Catlover you sound so lovely. Please do seek and accept all the help going.

I do agree that the pain of not being able to have a baby is a unique type of pain, one that you can feel powerless to overcome, and one that a lot of people don't understand.

I'm not going to pretend it will all turn out well for you - some stories don't have a fairy-tale ending, but I hope you and everyone else out there going through the same thing finds a way through.

I'm so sorry you've experienced so much pain. One thing that really helped me feel like I had some control over my emotions was following a mindfulness course. I used a CD and a book and every day for 8 weeks got up an hour early and did the session. I can't pretend it solved everything but it felt like I was doing something.

The program I followed was one by Jon Kabat Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living. It is used in a medical setting in the USA to help people who (for want of a better word) are at their wits end.

Happy to tell you more if you are interested.